Domme

I’ll call you I’ll call you 

I’ll collar you

And trace your form in ropes

And limn your form in ropes

As you fall to me

As you secede yourself

I’ll call up scouring words

I’ll scour your flesh raw

And you’ll know me

And you’ll know peace

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Fiance

Tired and wired and overwhelmed. Trying not to let my heart guts hurt over it. Reading the terrible attempts of my peers always makes me feel a little better about my prospects, even though I’m The Procrastinatress of Last Minute Manor. It’s a lot, everything is a lot. But I’m doing it. It’s happening. Tomorrow a dude is coming to look at our fucked up fridge (and hopefully just replace it). I cleaned it all out and it was pretty disgusting. Then I got to take a 100% freezing shower because there was no hot water. Cool. This thing is due by 11pm tomorrow and I plan on having it done a while before that, but we’ll see I guess. Life is crazy and I’m having just…. so many different feelings right now it’s honestly so much to process. I sort of wish I had planned out like… an elaborate proposal, somewhere beautiful. But I suppose a cuddled conversation on the couch followed by some pretty intense sex is not the worst way to do it. (And really, there’s nothing stopping me from still doing something romantic and elaborate at another time if I am so inclined, preferably when I have more money and less on my only-est plate.)  God, there are so many things I want to do. So many things I want to try. I feel keen eyed and capable. Exercising patience and restraint, stopping my hand from cutting through the air, stopping my teeth from cutting through skin. Easy, wait. It doesn’t feel like a suit I’m donning, a persona I’m exemplifying. It feels like me, keen eyed and capable. Mind racing with devious plots and thoughts and uses for knots. I want to see you cry and crawl and beg with my foot on your chest. Your wide-eyes shy away from mine, I burn and burn and exhale a dragon’s breath. I want to mark you everywhere, claim every inch of you. Breathe. Breathe. It’s late and this isn’t what I should be doing now. It’s 2am and these are not the thoughts I should be thinking. But on the other hand, I just came up with a topic for the paper I have to write. So there’s that. Now I need to go write a thesis and maybe start to outline this bitch. Then, if I’m very lucky, I’ll be able to catch a tiny bit of sleep.

Found Poetry

I found this poem on (my kinky) tumblr a few weeks ago, and it just came back on my dash and I fucking love it a lot so I’m posting it here. I don’t know exactly who wrote it and I tried to do some research to find out but so far I have got nothing. It is attributed to youreyesblazeout.tumblr.com but I don’t know if this person actually wrote it or what. Anyway, I’m posting it here. It illustrates just… awesomely how I feel about my nature as a sub and just… the complexity of that aspect of my relationship and just… aaahhhhhh it’s awesome. Shut up. Read it or don’t and yeah.

Even when I’m yours,
there’s always a little try
left in me for you
to put an end to, to put
your hand to, to let rise
and shut down, to let run
and give chase, to tire out.

Even when I’m yours,
there are doors you need to open,
windows you need to raise,
dark places in me you need
to bring to the light
of your hands, to the sun
of your wet mouth and teeth.

Even when I’m yours,
there is a cost to ownership,
there’s work to be done,
there are rebellions to quell,
foreign lands to explore.
There will always be a rise in me,
even when I’m yours.

English major problems and ROASTING HOT CARS (and rope)

Sooooooo yeah, um… I’m now going into my second week with no freelance work. I have been trying my best to get stuff going but so far no one has gotten back to me and it freaks me out and sucks. It’s making me feel pretty stressed, and wicked fucking guilty and also like a terrible shitty failure at life. Like I’m letting down my boyfriend and my parents and not pulling my own weight. I had the chance to take a temporary job that would start in the middle of August, but I turned it down. Mainly because it pays $9.00 an hour and I would make less than $200 a week. I’m used to making $20-25 per hour for my freelance services. It makes me feel gross and used (not in the way I like) to make less than half of that for really hard, really terrible customer service job where I get treated like a servant (not in the way I like). I’m not saying that I feel like I’m above that kind of work… except secretly I do. I have a BA and years of experience in a variety of different fields and I shouldn’t have to fucking work shitty jobs that pay $0.50 over minimum wage. I’m just not going to do that shit anymore. SoooOOooooo I’m going to keep trying to score some freelance gigs and try to communicate with people and e-mail them the right amount to seem determined and persistent but not annoying and obsessive and abrasive. I feel like it’s a fine line and I’m not super good at determining where it is.

In other news… my brother and I did some recording last night. My brother was laying down some vocal tracks and I ran the sound board and everything. Nights where I don’t have to sing are much less stressful for me. 😛  We have been talking for a while about how we both feel like we sound really awesome when singing in our cars, so we decided to try recording in his car, because why not right??! Soooo we set it all up, which took like a half hour.

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Here’s a really shitty blurry picture I took. (The garage lighting was horrible for picture taking) You can see the sound board over there on a chair and my bro in his car (he drives a retired police cruiser which is fun and awesome and hilarious cuz people pull over for him sometimes) And we had the microphone going through his window and you can sorta baaarely see it there in front of his face. The thing about recording is, just because something sounds good to the naked ear doesn’t mean it’s going to translate well to a recording at. all. The sound we got out of this was *okay* but not spectacular, and certainly not good enough to suffer through FUCKING ROASTING TO DEATH IN THE SUPER HOT GARAGE. Soooo we packed it all up and set up in the living room and recorded there instead. All in all it was fairly successful.

In other other news… my boyfriend has been watching Shibari tutorials basically the whole time I’ve been writing this and trying out knots  and it’s hella distracting. Oh man he just made a really nice bit gag out of rope and TRIED IT ON ME to make sure it would fit and that was VERY distracting.  So, I guess despite the stress of things un-known, my life is pretty dang sweet.

Coming soon: Reviews for the free kindle smut I’ve been reading, reviews of products for curly hair, more random rambling and personal stories about my life.

AaaAaaaaAAAaaand that’s basically all that’s going on with my life at the moment. How are you guys doing? TeLl Me AbOuT yOuRsElVes!!!!111!!!

My weekend: An EXPLODING TOILET and some kinky things.

Sooooo this weekend was … uuh… weird. Fairly stressful. Let’s have a rundown, shall we?

– Friday:

4th of July. Went to my parents’ house because they were having a party and my dad really wanted me to go so I would have felt like a shitty daughter if I didn’t go. It went alright. No big monstrosities, there were a few people there I could have done without seeing but overall it went better than I feared it might. The fireworks show was fairly unimpressive. My parents bought me 30 rolls of TP and 12 rolls of paper towels at costco and they gave them to me and I was psyched. We came home and drank some weird peach flavor “moonshine” and watched movies and partook in light sexual activities and went to sleep.

– Saturday: 

AM: my bf was feeling sick so he went downstairs to hang out and drink water and whatever. I woke up to him standing beside the bed telling my sleepy grouchy self what felt like a very long winded story. The point of the story was, there was FUCKING WATER dripping from the light fixture in the kitchen. Soooooo I got up and went downstairs and  turned off all the circuit breakers so he wouldn’t get electrocuted and he took the cover off the light. We were all … what the actual fuck??! but being Saturday, it’s impossible to get a hold of the apartment management. We put a bucket under it, left the kitchen breaker shut off and just kinda shrugged. I went upstairs planning to go the fuck back to sleep. First I took a short trip to the bathroom. There was water on the ground by the toilet and I was kinda like ??? but I didn’t put too much thought into it cuz the shower is right there and I was hella tired. I flushed the toilet, and it overflowed like CRAZY. Like… there was not a good reason for it to overflow, it was just broken as hell. It basically exploded water all over the place. Water started GUSHING from the light fixture in the kitchen. Mystery solved. We frantically tried to find an emergency maintenance number. I ended up calling my parents and being like … WTF should I do? I’m not a real adult help me! Just as I was talking to them my boy found the emergency numbers. After lots of calling with little results we got a hold of a plumber who said he would come right over. I called my parents back to tell them what was happening, my dad tried to instruct me on how to make the toilet stop producing water but it was so fucked up that it just flushed again and exploded water all over again. Water was streaming down the hallway. I could hear it CRASHING DOWN in the kitchen. My boyfriend was freaking out trying to stop water from getting into the closets and I just stood there watching as the bathroom rug gained buoyancy and floated away. The plumbers finally arrived. In just a few minutes they temporarily fixed the toilet, but they said it definitely needs to be replaced. They left, we thanked them, put fans all around the house so it would dry and went the fuck back to sleep. Once it was dry we had to put everything back in order and clean everything and my boyfriend did most of it because he is a rad dude.

Before all that CHAOS went down we had been planning to ~switch~ that night and do some … adult activities together. Once we got everything under control he said he was still up for it and I said I was too. So, we went to the store and got our supplies and came home. The night actually went quite well. After a slow start we really got into it and I had a mental list of things I wanted to try on him and I tried them ALL. I made a convincing Dom (Domme I guess?) and I was proud of myself. (He acquitted himself quite well too.) I did an ice brand on him. It basically creates a burn and the mark lasts for up to a month (sometimes even longer). It was one of the things I wanted to try and he thought it sounded cool (pun slightly intended?) and gave me his permission so I did it. It came out like this

KIMG0384

Not bad considering I HAND CRAFTED a star shaped ice cube. But seriously don’t try this at home kiddos unless you reeeally know what you’re doing and have 1,000% full consent of both parties because you could cause serious damage if you fuck it up. It’s still irritated and itchy two days later, but he says he is happy with it overall. Soooo after that there were lots of sex things and aftercare and we both enjoyed ourselves and I’m not going to go into details sorry.

-Sunday 

We spent most of the day chilling, recovering from the crazy ass Saturday we had had. We had planned on doing another scene that night where we switched back to our normal (lol @ “normal”) roles. It started out okay but like halfway through we realized that it was too soon upon the heels of the previous night. As much as we both wanted it neither of us was really ready and we were grating against each other in un-fun ways so we just stopped it cold. We finished the night with alcohol and cuddling and watching GHOSTBUSTERS 2. I was so distracted that I forgot to claim my week’s earnings in a timely manner.

-Monday

which means I should have gotten paid like… NOW but since I forgot I won’t get paid for another 24 hours, which really sucks because I only had $14 in the bank. Also no word from the toilet people yet. (laughing at myself for calling them toilet people)

-P.S.

On Saturday on the way to the store we found a random pair of skis leaning against the big garbage bins and took them.

image

Neither of us ski but we have these now.

I’m not a fucking toaster

Hey kiddos, how are you doing? I’m doing alright-ish, mas o menos. Trying to bust out one more article before I go to bed. Trying to deal with paperwork to get my fucking health insurance in order, and it’s taking a million times longer and it’s a million times dumb-er than it should be. Since I’m “self employed” as a freelance writer they are making me turn in a tonnn of stupid paperwork as proof of income. SooOoooooOoooo I need to try and pick that shit up tomorrow, fill it out as soon as possible, and turn it in. or mail it and somehow magically get it there by MONDAY. Being an adult is wicked overrated, let me tell ya. 

So anyway, my boyfriend’s BDSM style tumblr has been sorta blowing up recently (I’m not going to post a link to it here because of reasons and also there might be some NSFW pictures of parts of me on there. Or maybe there aren’t … I dunno. I wouldn’t mind some of you guys I actually know from xanga and stuff seeing it but not you strangers.) And he’s been getting a lot of anonymous questions (which is a thing on tumblr) and some of these peeps have crazy misconceptions about the whole ~~lifestyle~~ and he’s gotten a couple asks from people who seem to think that he *literally owns me* Which is not the fucking case thank you very much. Anyway he always answers them well and provides info about the importance of CONSENT in such activities and the fact that I’m a FuCkInG PeRsOn and this is only one aspect of my being and it does not encompass all that I am … and stuff. I find it half amusing and half annoying and half sorta sad. (yeah I know that’s 3 halves shut up) The title of this entry was my response to one of those asks and since then I have been referring to them as toaster asks and I have been exclaiming that I am not a toaster at random points throughout the day for the last few days. 

We actually might ~switch~ at some point this weekend maybe possibly, which I’m kind of nervous and slightly excited about. We do this occasionally, every once in a while, it’s been quite a long time. In the yin-yang dynamic of our relationship, he refers to it as “getting his white dot.” (and I know traditionally the black represents femininity and the white masculinity but in our relationship he is the dark half and I am light and that’s just how it is.) A dominant role is not natural to me. It makes me kind of uncomfortable and I don’t like taking it up often, but I am not a fucking toaster and I can decide to do it anyway if I want. And really, I guess I need my black dot too. I have a couple things in mind I would like to try on him, assuming of course that he consents to them beforehand. 

Welp! It’s 5am and I did not do any more of my actual writing but hey! at least I wrote a really long entry about kinky stuff with cursing and references to small appliances! Have a good night or morning or whatever it is for you.