it’s my birthday
Hey little stone
Pebbling the surface
Of autumnal homes
I’ll season I’ll season
I swear that I’ll grow
This season this season
I promise I’ll grow
As flickering lantern wicks
Throw shapes and shades
Casting a wolf eye
On all that remains
Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.
It’s my last 20 minutes as a 27 year old.And how should I spend it? My base mind keeps crying out “drunk, that’s how!” but that would also mean spending it breaking a promise I made to myself, so that’s not going to happen. No. Instead, I’ve consumed my last calories as a 27 year old, and I will fast until tomorrow afternoon. yes. good. I might spend my first couple hours as a 28 year old sewing some extended pockets on my pants, or like… whatever, I guess. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, honestly. I just feel the need to mark it as something? I’m seriously so deeply terrified of time, I don’t even know how to deal with it. But, here we are. Much love.
My birthday is tomorrow (technically it’s in like four hours I guess) and I feel antsy and angsty and keyed up and let down and fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m going to be 27 fuck. I can’t even do my own fucking taxes how am I supposed to be 27? I can’t even pay for my own groceries sometimes, how the fuck am I supposed to be 27? ***internal screaming*** If I go back to school right now I could have my masters’ by the time I’m 30…. which is something I guess? But do I actually want to do that at all? And rack up debt? Like… for what? What am I going to do with a Masters? Teach, maybe, I guess. That doesn’t sound too bad really, as long as it’s not children. Teach community college or low level four year college if I get lucky. Teach online classes and not have to actually look at people in the face even. That doesn’t sound too bad. Maybe I should. But like… what would I even get it in? English? That’s not worth shit yo. Would I have to re-take the fucking GRE because I did pretty shitty on it because it was the second day of my FUCKING PERIOD and I was in AGONIZING PAIN the whole time I was trying to fucking concentrate and take that shit? I don’t fucking know. But like…. I should probably look into it and decide. Soon. Now. My parents (always) want to do something with me for my birthday, and this year I decided I just wanted to go to their house. (I have a shit ton of laundry to do anyway) because it just feels…. comforting I guess. I can pretend I’m a little kid all huddled up safe in my parents’ house and not a full on ~officially upper 20s~ adult. They can still keep me safe from the troubles of the world right? right? right? (no, sorry, no.) I swear, I’m the fucking worse at having birthdays I’m probably almost certainly going to cry at some point I’m ridiculous. But! right now, right now, while I’m still 26, I’m going to go to the gym, and fucking move my body, and try my sad sorry best to do right by it. Maybe I’ll feel better after, I often do.
Oh god it’s going to be my birthday in less than three hours. Oh jeez I’m going to be hella old, what am I going to do? I’m so shitty at being an adult it’s not even funny oh man. Upper twenties? Are you shitting me when did this happen? My birthday freaks me out. Sorta always has. Probably isn’t helping that i only got 6 hrs sleep over the past two days. I’m also wicked sunburned because of my vampire skin blaaaa I vill suck your blood!
For my birthday my dad bought me tickets to murder by death. He believed he was buying me tickets to a play by that name. They were actually concert tickets, and I happen to absolutely love that band. I didn’t even realize they were coming here. It ended up working out hilariously magically well. I’m listening to their new album right now (Bitter Drink, Bitter Moon) and it’s excellent and I suddenly wonder if I can insert a youtube video into this biz. Doesn’t really look like it. oh wait, I just figured it out.
this is my favorite song on their new album so far. I love a lot of the other ones too so it’s a tough call. I need to be working on articles but I so don’t want to. I feel physically bad now, and I just want to drink and hang out and enjoy my weekend before I go back to work on Monday but nooo I have two jobs right now and I have to do one of them in my spare time. 6 articles due by 1am Sunday night (technically Monday morning) Soooo yeah. I should get to work. ugh. blugh.
Tomorrow is my birthday (actually like 3 hours from now) My birthday makes me vaguely uncomfortable. I don’t really like the attention. I have to work really early in the morning the next day so it’s not too funtacular. I would prefer to stay home all day and get drunk with my girlfriend but some friends want to take me out to lunch and my parents want to take me out to dinner, so it’s actually going to be a busy day. I’m going to feel awkward and hold still and silently pray to atheismo that no one makes the wait staff sing to me… because that might make me crawl under the table and die forever. RIP shy girl: too shy to live.
Soooo anyways, I just spent like an hour carving at drywall with a kitchen knife. There is a huge hole in the wall that I sorta maybe made while wrestling with my SO and I am fixing it with cardboard and hot glue and Spackle. I feel like I inhaled some drywall dust which doesn’t feel super awesome, but oooh well.