It’s good
It’s better
Than what I had envisioned
for my legs
Each scratch replaced
With a pedal push
Faster and faster and go
Burn my lungs go
Lactic acid
I lean back and cruise
Play acting all calm and all
Rational cool
But I need to lose my breath
I need the pounding heart pull
Too gentle still but wonderful


late night sound byte

Should be working, should be doing more work, but I’m not. I’m totally not. I’m going to go the freak to bed instead, try to be more productive tomorrow. I don’t even know. These are so short and easy to write really, but my brain is just rebelling against it so freaking hard. Like… it won’t let me concentrate on them. Whatever. I’ll do more, I swear I will. Tomorrow the plan is that we’re going to my parents house and watching the dogs for a couple nights. I dunno if it will be easier or harder for me to concentrate there and actually do my work… but I do know that they have much better workspaces… like… actual tables and things I can use as desks, instead of sitting hunched in a ball for hours and hours and shifting positions all the time so my limbs stay awake. yeah. Right now my mind feels like it’s racing but at the same time I feel exhausted. I dunno what my deal is. My limbs are sore from a day of manual labor yesterday. But it was good, it felt so good. I like seeing things physically get accomplished, and I like moving my body, and I like doing heavy hard work until I’m truly tired, and my hands hurt and my muscles are sore and I can’t even think my anxiety thoughts. We started the work by demolishing what was left of the stump, from the day when we cut down that tree. My dad and brother were messing around with power tools and switching blades out on the grinder, and the whole time they were doing that I took the axe to the stump and swung and swung and swung. Each hit was accurate and deep and pieces came off. By the time they had the grinder ready I had taken it down by half. They were amused, they  called me a badass (they are right). I officially reached (and slightly surpassed) a significant body style goal. My halfway point. Like… it’s pretty dang significant, and I feel like it doesn’t look like as much as it is, but that might just be my self perception… I dunno. But I’ll tell you what, I feel better. I’m more comfortable, I have more energy and stamina, I’m stronger, I *fit* places. I sleep better, I can kick so high. I could kick my tall ass brother in the face. (I wouldn’t tho…) and it’s good, and I’m lowkey highly proud of myself but I’m trying to keep my emotions on lock so I can just…. keep going. Just keep going and stay strong and keep going. But yeah, it’s real. And if I can manage it I’d really like to bust out 3 extra articles, so I can have the money to buy myself the thing I said I would buy myself at this juncture. A present from brain to body, a peace offering and truce and truth. But we’ll see. We’ll see what I can do. Right now I’m going to do my best to sleep. And tomorrow, more body movement and more work. Maybe I’ll chop up some of the firewood on the side of my parents house while I’m there. Or… I dunno, something.

True facts about my life

The more I think about my relationship with my body, and my relationship with ~food~ the more I realize how fucked up it all is and always has been. Fucked up. Mentally and physically unhealthy, confusing, painful. I find myself terrified of how easily I could lose the progress that I’ve made. How easily it could be undone. Progress that is still so insignificant compared to what I want… but it’s mine and it’s true and it’s a good start and it’s something. It would be so easy to backslide and I can feel it trying to happen and I’m using a stupidly huge amount of my willpower to stop it. A stupidly huge amount of my self  devoted to stopping it, to pushing past yet another dumb hurdle my mind throws up, and to keep going. The defense mechanisms in my body that want to keep it are starting to scream in protest and I can’t explain it to them So I just have to override it. It’s a fire I have to keep lit all the time on the back burner. An awareness I have to keep at the back of my mind at all times, and usually that’s fine. Usually that’s enough, and it’s fine. But sometimes it’s not enough and I have to just concentrate. Just sit there in my head and repeat what I want, and why. Tell myself to be strong, that I can do it, that it’s working. Remind myself how much better I already feel. And if I seem far gone, that’s the truth about where I am. (({i’msorry})).

I haven’t heard anything about the writing trial I did a few days ago so I’m assuming I didn’t get that. Whatever. Haven’t heard from the client I was just working for either… and they paid me $60 less than I actually earned. Haven’t heard from my main client either. So….. nothing all around, and I have a little bit of money but it’s only a little. I need new work soon and I hope it happens. I emailed the relevant department yesterday asking about my grad school application, if anyone knew what the deal was. This is the vague and confusing response I got:

Dear (me):

While I do not know the status of your particular application, you should be hearing from the program by tomorrow, April 15th.


(literally not signed at all by anyone)

Sooooo like what the hell does that mean? Are they going to email me by tomorrow? Am I supposed to get my letter by tomorrow? What’s the d-d-d-deal yo? What am I supposed to do with that information? I guess wait until tomorrow… and see what happens. I’ve got a variety of plans for tomorrow. I would like to go to the library’s $5 per bag used book sale, because I hella want a bag of books for $5. But we’ll see if I can make that happen… or if there’s even anything I really want. Then in the evening we’re going to a rocky horror themed belly dance show, which sounds hilarious and I really couldn’t miss it because I love me some rocky horror. Yeah. okay. okay. yeah. This turned into something really long that probably no one is going to read, but that’s okay. I’m gunna go row. I’ve got this.