I can’t believe over 400 people follow me on here. Lmao. I literally just whine and complain and use this as my -public-but-private-anonymous-diary. Like I don’t even have a proper profile picture, and I never insert featured images, I barely use punctuation, and my entries are all one long paragraph. No themes, no point, just stream of consciousness bullshit. So … I guess… Thanks. I hope you’re having a good time. I’m feeling insanely restless right now. Skipping through a million songs because none of them are the right one but also I don’t know what the right one is. My brain won’t stop producing terribly terrible thoughts and I would love it if it could just chill. Today is vaccine efficacy day. That’s exciting. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still going to be careful, obviously, but we can start doing some things again, and we can feel safer than we have in like a literal full year. There’s a lot of stuff I really should do, like make doctor and dentist appointments that I’ve been putting off. And I fully intend to do those things, soon. But honestly I’m going to give myself a little bit of time to just … acclimate, you know? Give myself a chance to take a few breaths. yeah. I think we are going to host a get together with my family on Friday evening to celebrate actually being able to hang out in a semi-normal capacity. That should be cool, but also at the same time it feels stressful to me for a little slew of reasons. The fact that my period started today is definitely one of the contributing factors of me feeling restless and weird. I dunno. Maybe I should take my dog for a midnight walk. Maybe I shouldn’t do that because it’s not really a great idea. Or maybe I *should* do that because it is a good idea. wow. very thought provoking argument there. Maybe I should get some champagne (pronounced sham-paggin) to bust open with my family. That would probably be fun. Do you think it’s possible to figure out a healthy mental and physical relationship with food and eating and nutrition? Because I don’t think I’ve ever had that ever once in my life since i’ve become a sentient being, and it seems like a really cool thing to have. It seems like something I would love to have. I want to find some sort of exercise-physical-activity-something that I absolutely fucking fall in love with. I’ve never had that either. The closest was when I played soccer as a literal child / teenager, but even that… I don’t really love it. That seems like something really cool to have as well. For now, right now, I think I’m legit going to take my dog for a midnight walk. Also I will check the mail. I ordered some slap masks, which is something I’ve thought was really cool for like … the whole pandemic, because I always take masks with me on my wrist on walks and stuff, just in case I run into people and need to wear one, but they are just made of two layer fabric and we’ve been using medical grade 4 or 5 layer shit, no fabric. But now that we’re *vaccinated* I feel comfortable using one, at least for walks and stuff, but still probably not for actually going into actual places. Still, yeah. it’s cool. Ugh. I kinda wanna take a shower too. I feel gross and weird and too much. I have an assignment I need to finish by Saturday and I was going to try and work on it more tonight but uuuuuggghhhhhh bro. I’ll try to get some of it done tomorrow. yeah. I’m done with this now. peace.
Tag Archives: covid
My favorite sore arm of all time (and other stories)
Ask and ye shall receive? Maybe? I don’t know. But I do know that I was talking about how desperately I wanted to get a covid vaccine in my last entry, and I’m here today, and I have the absolute pleasure of saying this is the day after I received my first dose. It happened in a whirlwind. I always knew it would. Tuesday night we got the news that we might have the opportunity to get appointments for the next day. I was in my class, and I immediately stopped paying attention to that, and started doing everything in my (admittedly limited) power to get my family those appointments. And we did it. We got them. It was so sudden that it was hard to believe, after 11 months of waiting and carefulness and never leaving the house. “I’ll believe it when I feel the needle go into my arm.” I told the family group chat. But I believed it when my brother went, the first of us, early in the afternoon. He gave us the play-by-play of his experience from getting in line to getting the shot, so we knew what to expect. (“you should double mask, there are a lot of people”). I believed it when my mom went next, her appointed time just a half hour before mine, and I could see her at the very front of the line when it was time for me to join at the back. We could see each other in the slanted-security mirrors hung on the ceiling over the pharmacy. She waved and our eyes crinkled in twin smiles that bridged the four masks and dozen-or-so people between us. I believed in when the harried pharmacy worker who was sprinting around and doing enough jobs for several people confirmed that my name was on the list, crossing it out with pink highlighter. I believed it when I felt the needle go into my arm. My partner went last, a half hour after me, and we watched each other in the mirror as well. I was, of course, a professional slanted-mirror-people-watcher by then. “Anyone having any side effects?” My dad asked in the group chat later in the evening. “I have a slightly sore arm, but it’s like … My favorite sore arm of all time lol” I replied. And they all agreed, with varying degrees of soreness and unanimous amounts of relief. Later later, long after the group chat had gone to sleep, my partner and I were sitting in bed together. The light was gentle-soft, the TV was quiet in the background, my partner was carefully rubbing some aspercreme onto my favorite sore arm of all time. As it was happening I could feel my brain moving that moment into my long term memory. My permanent storage. “Good.” I thought. “yes, remember this.”
I like to experiment and try new things that will effect my brain, to see how they will effect my brain. I’m braver than my brother in this regard, but I guess probably more foolish as well. Most of the ways I’m brave are also sort of foolish, really, when I think about it. But I’m not afraid of anything but humans anymore. If ghosts were real they’d have accepted one of my invitations by now. If demons are real I’ve been seeing them since I was a child, and they never hurt me. Not really. If aliens are real there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it, so what’s the use in wondering. Oh, and I’m not afraid of public speaking either. I’m speaking at a conference in just over two weeks now, actually. I think I have to get my slideshow sent in earlier than that even. Haha yeah I really fucking need to actually start working on it. It’s fine, it’s fine. I already have all of the information I need (compiled in a 35 page paper), and I already have a slideshow that I can take at least some things from. But still, I do need to start working on it. I will. I will. It’s important to me. Unfortunately, I also have a lot of stuff to do that isn’t important to me at all, but that I’m still obligated to do. God, can you imagine how good of a writer I would be if I had spent all the time I spent writing shit I didn’t care about actually writing things I cared about?! Probably pretty damn great, honestly. But that’s the problem, you know? yeah. Also I should probably do the dishes, they’re starting to smell. There is an optional zoom poetry reading going on tomorrow night as well, for the whole DA program. I’m not scheduled to read anything this time, but I basically have the material ready to go whenever, so that’s cool. I’m definitely going to attend, because my friend from my class (who is like 50, and hella gay, and has like 6 published novels, and is basically the coolest person ever and I really want to be real life friends with her and not just class friends) is reading, and she asked me specifically if I was going to go and when I answered “I think so” she said “I’m reading, so you better be there” So yeah okay I’m definitely going to be there. I just have to remember, and make time for it, and all of that stuff and yeah. Since I’m clearly not getting any more work done tonight, I should go to bed now. It’s getting late and it would be a good call to just get some sleep and do more work tomorrow. Yes. Smart. Good. I can do it, it’s okay. I can do it. It’s okay. Stay safe. peace.
December tremors
I’ve completely lost my grip on time. It’s passing and I can’t even fucking hold it at all. If I try all i’m going to do is freak myself out thinking about how nothing is real and all I’ll ever know is just what my meat computer brain processes. Shhh. Shhhh. Tomorrow is already the 8th night of Hanukkah. Pretty positive this is the first time in my life that I haven’t seen my family at least once during Hanukkah. That makes me sad. But also, it’s too cold to hang out outside and the numbers are so high it feels too risky to just be inside. We might try to do something next week, some sort of daytime meet up. We’ll see. pikkuah nefesh. Throw away the Torah for a life. I’ll call them tomorrow. Maybe we’ll do a zoom meeting or something. As long as they’re safe it’s okay. I just don’t want them to be sad and I’m sad. I’ve felt like crying way more than I usually do lately. I’ve been closer to it. Probably my body’s way of trying to deal with the chemicals built up from months and months of slow-burn trauma. But everyone in the country is here with me, or worse, or much worse, so how can I even complain? I legit had a private little mental breakdown the other night because I realized I don’t enjoy cooking anymore. Like… it could always be annoying or frustrating at times, but it was still overall something I liked doing. I’ve always enjoyed experimenting with it and getting better at it. Hobby style. But like … I just suddenly realized that I don’t feel that way about it anymore. The act of having to come up with stuff to feed us every day this whole pandemic has just stripped that enjoyment away. (well I washed yesterday’s dishes while more food cooked in a pan, and if this doesn’t make me motionless I do not know what can) and my whole stomach just plummeted when I realized I was feeling this way. It sounds sort of stupid to me as I’m typing it out but it felt like I was losing something important. (it feels like i lost something important) And honestly I’m sure it’s just temporary. Another symptom cured with the vaccine. (i know that’s a flawed metaphor, just let me have this) but right now it feels sort of daunting. Anyway, whatever. I’m sitting here shivering and it’s not even cold in here soooo that’s enough Big Sad Feelings Talk for right now. Who fucking cares, these are weak first world problems. It’s fine, everything is fine. I’m fine. I have a lot of stuff I want to get done tomorrow, including going out into the world to the store, so I don’t have to do so on Friday or over the weekend when it’s busier. I need to get some sort of list together for that. I also need to make sure I take the dog on a nice long walk. Might try to do it during the day for warmth even though that’s annoying for other reasons. I also wanna work on some of my writing projects at least a little. I’m sort of making a little progress, and I want to make more. Also messing around with chrome music lab is going better than I expected. Also I sort of want to comb back through Last Autumn to see if I can find any more evidence of literary community connections. I have ’till march to work on that but I don’t wanna feel rushed… and I won’t have as much time once next semester starts. Alright, I want to try and sleep now.
Playlist #2020: Election limbo hell edition
This past week has been so fucking stressful. My poor little brain. Our poor little all of us. Everything that’s happening right now is so insane, I really don’t even know how to deal with any of it. I’m Not Having A Good Time, let’s just say that. jesus christ, I hope we get the results tomorrow. I hope these states swing blue and we can have a president who isn’t a science denying narcissistic failed reality TV host trying to play god king of the proud boys. That would be cool. That would be real fuckin’ cool. I would feel real good about that. The amount of raw, chaotic energy I’m currently feeling, however, is too much. So maybe I’ll round it up in some songs.
- Missio – Audi A4
I’m doing historical research and trying to track down some old old letters. I found the books that have them, but I can’t find a way to access those books currently. It’s frustrating and I have like a thousand tabs open in my browser, but at least it’s distracting me.
2. Barns Country – Glitter & Gold
I might try to do a live chat with a librarian tomorrow, because librarians have library magic that I just can’t match. I still sometimes think I shoulda gone that route, learned that magic. But I’m moving forward instead of sideways. It’s happening. I’m overwhelmed with the wealth of information available for this project. Like … legit it’s so much stuff it’s hard to know where to start, or what to do next, you know?
3. NF – The Search
Like, there’s definitely worse problems to have. (I would know, I have a lot of them) but it’s sort of paralyzing in a weird, specific way. I need to try and wrap up my ancestry stuff in the next few days tho, because I fully do not want to pay $50 for subscription after my trial ends. I wonder if it will let me use the rest of the trial if I cancel it now, or if it’ll be like … Naw son, history time is done. I’ll find out. Also maybe I can do another trial. We’ll see.
4. Grandson – Stigmata
Also the covid numbers in our state are suddenly way worse than they’ve ever fucking been. Like we legit need to go back to a full on lockdown right now. Everything needs to close the fuck back up. It makes me worry for my family. We’re doing everything we can to stay safe but it’s still scary. I’ve felt myself get more relaxed about it as it has become… just part of life… but I need to stay vigilant. Now more than ever.
5. Mother mother – Latter days
On that lovely, definitely relaxing note, I think I’m going to try and go to bed. I’ve been trying to not stay up so fucking late on the weekdays, unless I like have to for project reasons. It’s been mostly working. Tomorrow is national nachos day, so that’s a fun activity you can participate in at home. Stay safe everyone. Peace. Hope for the best. Blue states and Biden 2020
Gentian violet
It’s been two months since I was here last. Apparently June 16th was the 7 year anniversary of me having this wordpress, so just for the fuck of it I went through my archive to see what I had written in June for the past 7 years. And basically it just made me feel weird and bad. I was like … lol … have I ever experienced happiness? Like… have I ever? experienced? happiness? Listen okay, I know the deal is that I only really feel compelled to write here as a sort of therapy, a self-soothing coping mechanism. It’s comforting to me in a weird, intangible way. But that means this is basically just a record of all my worst thoughts and experiences. So it’s not that fun to look back through. And it’s not really an accurate representation of my life as a whole. At least … I don’t think it is. I don’t like to think it is. Also there are some drunk and half-drunk poems thrown in, and also wow I really used to write about kinky sex stuff a lot. Like I was real open about talking about that stuff here, in significant detail. Honestly probably at least partially to make myself seem edgy, and different, and interesting. I dunno. I know there was more to it than that, I know it felt … right to write it at the time. And I know I don’t feel compelled to share those elements of myself so publicly anymore. At least not here, not like this. It feels strange and disembodied to read about some of those exploits. I know they happened but it’s hard for me to imagine them happening to this same body that i’m in right now. Anyway, the world is crazy. That’s for sure. That’s for sure for sure for sure for sure. I’m tired of having dreams where I yell and scream at people to put their fucking masks on, because they’re putting my loved ones in danger by not wearing them. Dreams where we’re in public and I’m desperately trying to herd my loved ones through a crowded area without getting too close to anyone, and people purposely get in our space, and spit at us, and I scream at them but I can’t stop to fucking fight them because I just have to get us out. away. fast. I’m tired. But right now we’re here. And right now I’m out. Peace. Love. Power.
Quarantine
What up? Still here. Hope you guys are too. It’s fucking bitter Stone hard to deal with this right now. That’s true. And how the fuck am I supposed to care about writing a paper about fucking Shakespeare? *some snotty academic person’s voice* “Well, when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the black plague he wrote King Lear, so you should stop complaining and get stuff done.” Okay bitch, first of all? King Lear fucking sucks. Have you read that shit? It’s about a stupid old dude who doesn’t understand the subtleties of language, so he disowns his daughter and fucks up his whole kingdom. It’s boring. It feels like something someone who was really fucking bored wrote, because they wanted to spread their boredom around like rats spread the black plague. Second of all, who the fuck are you to presume to tell anyone else how to deal with a traumatic and unprecedented situation? No one. That’s who.
And at the same time I feel sort of weirdly connected to all of humanity in a way I never have before. The closest thing I can compare it to is how I feel about the Olympics. The whole world is looking toward this one thing, at the same time, together. We are all seeing ourselves and each other and we’re all just bopping around trying our fucking best, even though most people’s best is an idiot. It’s like that except not at all like that. It’s scary. It opens a pit in my stomach. It opens up pits in our stomachs. We’re all alone in our little houses, but we’re all here together. I watch my family’s little faces on my little screen. I force myself to feel grounded. I weave and try to do everything I can. I make a scarf, I work on my stupid paint with diamonds. I try to make an old story actually good. I record myself telling stories. I build forts and pet my dog and pet my significant other. I stress the fuck out over grocery lists, and trying and trying and trying to make sure everything gets on there. To make sure everyone gets what they need and they don’t need to go out. Don’t go out. Please don’t go out.
valerianblue 