dust and hope

I’m listening to the new Murder By Death album, because I just bought tickets to see them on Friday, in a super amazing tiny venue that is also, itself, an immersive work of art, and one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I’m trying to see if I can manage to get a room for the night as well, so we can make a little overnight trip out of it, just chill, and relax, and not have to make the hour+ drive home at 11:30 at night. Buuut, I’m really poor, so we’ll see what happens. I’m excited about the show either way tho.

I managed to get my 3 possible topics for my dissertation turned in yesterday. I’m actually pretty happy with one of them, and I really hope my adviser approves that one, because it’s super unique and thought provoking and actually sort of interesting to me, and I seriously think it would be something that could be published in an academic journal if I can pull it off. My second choice topic is pretty okay, I guess. That was originally going to be my first choice but then I came up with a better one at the last minute, so that was cool. My third choice topic, like… I *could* write it, definitely, but it would be so fucking boring, and I don’t want to. (but I could).

I think I’m just going to re-work an old poem for my stupid CW class, because I have one that is almost exactly what the stupid professor (that I dislike more and more, basically every time he says anything) says he wants. I want to change it up a bit, but overall I think it’ll be fine. Two students submitted their poems already, and they were both pretty terrible, in two different ways, so there’s that. Still, he gave me a fucking 86% on my “poetry exercises” thing, which I think is fucking bullshit, considering it was a dumbass assignment that seemed super subjective and he took off points because I didn’t answer shit the exact way that he would have answered it. Like… okay buddy. Oh-fucking-kay. If I lose my 4.0 over a stupid goddamn creative writing class that I picked because I thought it would be easy and fun, I’m going to be so pissed.

I’m feeling super weird and anxious and pretty bad right now. Maybe just cuz of how weird today was, or because of how much work I have ahead of me, in so many different ways. Or maybe just because of my general feelings, in general. Idk. It’s 2:45am and I should probably be asleep.

I really fucking hope that the dudes remodeling the apartment actually take the day off, tomorrow, Sunday, because I’m fucking exhausted and it’s guna fucking suck if I get woken up by ridiculously loud pounding on the wall right above my head … again.

Last night really was very fun tho. We fucking stayed up until the sun came up, which we haven’t done in a long time. Listening to music and talking deeply and then it started to rain, heavy, with sky flare lightning and booming, rolling thunder. We stood outside for a long time, enjoying the absence of neighbors on both sides of us, going into the street and getting rained on and just… being there. It was nice. Alright, I need to try and sleep. peace.




That’s Lit

The creative writing workshop class that I’m taking is making me feel kinda glad that I didn’t get into the CW masters’ program that I applied for. I forgot how bougie and pretentious it is. THIS specific type of writing is LITERARY, and if you don’t write stuff that falls between these confines than your writing is IRRELEVANT. And those confines are so fucking narrow, and so fucking boring. That’s why I made my specialization poetry in undergrad, because at least you could play around with words there, you could experiment with form and formlessness and create meaning from unexpected images. Like if I had to try and write?? one more?? “Literary” short story?? A boring motherfucking depressing ass slice of life? Hard pass bro. And workshopping the boring, motherfucking depressing ass slice of life stories of my classmates?? Boy! Sorry to hear that you are all unfulfilled in your relationships, and seeking meaning through self-destructive outlets, and that your nicotine stained fingers tremble, as you go to pull the last cigarette from your crumpled pack, swearing, this time, it’s really your last one, and you smoke it as you drive to a young, beautiful woman’s house, and you cheat on your wife with her, and you feel guilty about it, and you blame the young woman for being too irresistible, because she smiled at you when you spoke to her in the grocery store, and you resent her, for telling you your breath tastes like cigarettes, because that’s the same thing your wife always says, and you don’t want to think about your wife while you’re in bed with this hot young mistake, so you put on your pants, and leave without saying another word to her, and you swing by the gas station on your way home to your wife and buy another pack of cigarettes. Like… Sorry to hear about that bro. Sorry to read a billion fucking “literary” stories that follow this exact same bullshit plot, or an incredibly similar bullshit plot. Boo fucking hoo, you’re a sad in-denial misogynist, and your self-insert character is also a sad, in-denial misogynist? what a coincidence! What a fascinating fucking development! Truly, a brilliant piece of literature.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk about how college creative writing classes actually really stifle creativity and create a culture that mass produces mediocre fucking depressing content that the creators somehow think is edgy, original, and insightful!

I got my new phone today. It’s my b-day present, and I got it activated today. It’s really not much different from my old one at all, but it doesn’t feel like it’s mine yet, if that makes sense. It feels foreign in my hands, not quite right. I feel, suddenly, weirdly attached to my old one. But, I will get over it soon, I’m sure. I haven’t even completely finished setting it up yet. I have all of the primary functions in place, but there are still a lot of secondary functions that I have to get set up. It’s currently at 3% battery, and I’m waiting for it to die so I can give it a nice full charge. It’s white, and I’ve literally never had a white phone before, but I actually think it looks pretty sick. (still, ima get a case for it… cuz… ya know. And also a case might make it feel more like it’s really mine, cuz I always have a case on.)

Still haven’t found out wtf is up with my comprehensive exam, meaning how the fuck and where the fuck I’m supposed to take it. It’s probably best to wait ’till Monday to e-mail my professor about it again?? Idk. Also need to apply for graduation real fast, and for honors society. Like… can’t forget to do those things, or I’ll be fucked. (also have to come up w/ 3 possible topics for my dissertation by next Friday, which I’m a lil nervous about) Alright, it’s getting hella late, I’m guna head up to bed. Peace.