First draft of the big part of my dissertation is due on Friday. I’m freaked. It’s what I’m going to spend all day tomorrow on… Because i have to. I should definitely have gone to bed a lot earlier but instead i stayed up till 3am writing song lyrics lol. Cool priorities bro! Thanks bro! I totally finished a song tho. (I think it’s finished. I’m pretty happy with it). A bunch of stuff is going on and i want to say a lot of stuff But… You know what they say… Time crunches all wounds. So i better try to sleep. I had a dream earlier about being in a really big really sick house and there were like these demons (?) That wanted to serve me, and it was pretty cool and kinda hot, so maybe I’ll get to fall back into that dreamscape. We’ll see. Peace.
Haha man, what even am I? I have no idea. Clinically depressed almost certainly… But not in the mood to get put on pills about it. Weak and wanton. I had a bunch of dreams about being in grad school and weird things were happening and there was a giant bear??? Or something?? And it was kinky sort of somehow. Not the bear… The bear wasn’t kinky. The general undertone of the dream was, but I can’t remember exactly how… Only that I woke with that unmistakable feeling. Anyway, I don’t even know if grad school is really what I want out of life at all… But it’s something, you know? I’m not thrilled af about it, but I think it could be good for me, and I do really hope I get accepted. I got an official “your application was received and is under review” letter in the mail today. So that’s cool. I scored a pair of tickets to see one of my all time life heroes in March. I’m very psyched about that. It sold out in like 30 minutes, it’s amazing I got tickets. I’m going with my little brother, he was super psyched as well. I don’t feel like saying any more about it right now. Why can’t I fucking muster up the will power to do the rowing machine every day? Like it lives right there in my fucking house, there’s no excuse. You know what I’m really passionate about? Snakes. Fucking snakes. Ball pythons in particular but all snakes in general. My fantasy future is to run a top of the line breeding facility with the highest possible quality of care for the animals. And to have part of my facility be a non-profit reptile rescue where I take in reptiles in need and get them the medical care they need and find them good homes. Oh, and in this fantasy I also do community outreach programs that help people learn about reptiles and I do little seminars about proper care and housing. Also, all of the snakes’ shed skin would be used to make cool jewelry and trinkets and stuff that I would sell to support the rescue. As you can tell I’ve thought about it a lot. Lmao. But it’s hyper unrealistic for a ton of different reasons. But I like thinking about it, and I love snakes. I don’t know why, I just do. I love them. I’m gonna go watch some egg cutting videos on YouTube and then go to sleep.
I have been mad sleeping lately. Too many hours and not wanting To wake up. Not wanting to deal. It’s a bad sign but I’m hard pressed to care because sleeping feels fucking great. Just amazing. So beautiful. I’ve been having such vivid cool dreams and just wanting to stay there, all up in them. Yeah. Working on stuff that isn’t mine. Worrying over money but like…… how much can I really worry? Staying here and here and we are all together. Whatever I’m depressing myself writing this jazz I’m gunna go read a dumb cheesy free ebook until I pass out.
Hey readers. How’s your life doing? Mine is doing alright, more or less. I have an unexpected $300 expense that I could really fucking do without, and I lost my amazing headphones while I was standing in line to vote. I’m still mourning their loss like a fucking week later. Best earbuds I’ve ever owned, the only ones that have ever stayed in my ears. But they are fairly fucking pricey and I really can’t afford to buy another pair for myself, so I’m just going to have to suck it up and use the ones that fall out of my ears every two fucking minutes that I have to constantly adjust. At least for a while. I could really really really really use some more freelance work at this point. Like seriously? Please? Please? If I don’t get some in a few days I’m going to have to start trolling Odesk which I really hate doing a lot, and I really hope I don’t have to do it. It’s stressing me the fuck out all around, it really is. I’m feeling very fucking stressed to be honest, but trying to be cool about it. C’mon universe, I could really use a bone thrown my way. Pleasepleasepleaseplease. -deep breaths- ummmmmm yeah. But other than that I’m okay. I mean, I’ve been worse off for sure. Much worse. It’s really cold today. Supposed to dip below freezing tonight according to my dad. I like it, it feels nice and gives me an excuse to hide in a pile of blankets. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, which is probably bad ~mental health~ wise, but there are worse things. I’ve been having some cool vivid dreams and I want them to continue so I just keep sleeping. This morning I had a dream that I was at my parents’ house and there was an alien invasion of some sort going on. Everyone was going down to watch a sort of “conference” with one of the aliens, but I was hella suspicious. I had a ton of pairs of sunglasses in my room (which used to be true) and I brought them all with me to the alien conference for some reason. Some pairs were all busted up and bent to shit but I brought them anyway. This alien lady (who looked like an old-ish human lady) started speaking a crazy alien language and looking everyone in the eye and brainwashing them. But my sunglasses like reflected the weird alien eye-contact brain wash rays. So I started handing out all my extra pairs to my friends and family. My brother was like half-brain washed, starting to speak weird alien language but he snapped out of it once I put sunglasses on him and yeah I basically saved everyone with my sunglass hoarding and it was a really weird cool dream.
Do I ever write one of these entries when I’m NOT supposed to be working? I don’t think so. That’s really the only time I feel like doing it, when I’m not supposed to. Fuck I’m tired. I slept in reeeallllly late today but I’m still tired. I was dreaming about a weird math class where we were drinking wine and I had no idea what was going on, kinky detention and weird punishments??? I don’t even really remember. I’ve been out of school for 3 years. How long do you think it will be before I stop having dreams where I suddenly remember that I have a class I haven’t been to in like a month and I’m totally failing and I have no idea what’s going on? I dream about the same school sometimes, not a real place. never been there outside of the dreaming, but I’m always lost and looking for a class there. Anyway, the whole thing was weird and slightly kinky for some reason? and I kept calling people sir I feel like. >>>___<<<
After I slept in super late I got up and went to the gym pretty much immediately, even though I had hella articles due within a few hours. Still, I try not to let my physical body suffer because of my brain-centric work so I went, and I’m glad I did because my body and mind both feel better for it. However, I came home and started working immediately to make my deadline and I still haven’t taken a shower which I really need to do and I will do as soon as I finish ooonnne more article.
Welp! That’s about enough info about my personal biz.
Trying to concentrate on boring work stuff… but it’s haaard! I’m really distracted and I just want to play games and have sex and play sex games because those things are awesome and ohmygod. I’ve been having so much fun I feel sort of guilty for writing about it, like I’m bragging… but I really do want to write about how much fun I’ve been having. I feel like this is seriously the best my relationship has ever been. I feel … so not stressed about it and that is fucking lovely and luxurious. I just want to lay in this dude’s lap forever, or lean against his chest while he has an arm around me, or kneel on the floor at his feet and rest my head on his knee while he twines his fingers in my hair… -clears throat- erm… I mean… another normal thing that couples do! yeeeah.
But seriously you guys, it’s been fuckin’ sweet. I have lots of scratches all over my body and they are sort of itchy and mildly painful and annoying and I love it. Hell yeah, I’ll take 100 more. It has felt normal and natural and good to fall into this role. Better than it ever has, less pretension, less apprehension, more structure. He holds me accountable for things, which is amazing and makes me feel all loved and good and safe (and also turns me on more than it probably should.) -deep breaths- -deeeeep breaths- -mental cold shower-
This week is going to be really busy and crazy and hectic. Tons of stuff to do, I have a huge paper due on Wednesday and 15 articles due Friday and I have not started either of these things. Took one final today, going to take 2 more by the end of the night. We have early morning obligations on Saturday, so we won’t be able to do an epic three day long scene… but that’s okay.
Its cold outside for the first time in DAYS and I love it and I’m shivvvvering (from 50% cold and 50% … other reasons I think) I had hella weird crazy detailed sex themed dreams last night that sort of blended with reality and left me vaguely confused and sort of extra … yeeeah, anyway… I should get back to work. Also I’m going to put more clothes on because it’s suddenly cold… and I basically sit around mostly naked through the summer months.