I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
How much of the negative shit I’m feeling is because society tells me that’s how I should feel, that this isn’t normal, it isn’t how it should work? How much of it is just truly from me? And does it fucking matter? Can I overcome feeling weird because of societal expectations? Can I change my own perspective? How much of either? And how will I know if I’ve done it? And does it fucking matter? Does it fucking matter when I’m just matter, here by accident in this configuration? Matter that loves other configurations, that has a wetwear hard drive run by chemically produced electrical impulses telling be that I should care for and protect these specific other matter configurations. Telling me I should live my life to make their lives better, but also telling me to feel jealous, conflicted, obsessed. It’s weird, I guess, is my point. None of the words I’m saying are quite right. (I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for, but this isn’t quite right.) I spent 2.5 hours today, in my brother’s new yard, trimming branches and raking leaves with him and our mom. Feeling, the whole time, conflicted. (What the fuck else is new you twisted up dingus?) So happy for him and so sad to have him move away. It’s literally like a 10 min drive from me, or less, but it’s not 30 feet away, and late night walks whenever we want. He has emotions about it too, I know. But I want to let him just feel excited. I’m envious, as well, and I feel like a failure in a way, that I haven’t been able to make it happen for myself, though I’m older. (But he’s always been lucky when it comes to connections, in a way that I’m not, and that’s just how it is, and I can’t begrudge him that.) So really I just threw myself into some manual labor, letting my muscles do what they’re for, in the sun and the rain both. When I left it looked nicer than it did when I arrived.
Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye
I’m having emotions. I just listened to a patreon exclusive THING and read a whole fucking play that goes with it and now I have feelings. Anyway, yeah. okay. whatever. I’m really liking my new netbook. This is the first time I’ve used it for an extended period of time, and it’s pretty rad. Especially considering it literally cost $107 brand spankin’ new. Like… no way you could possibly beat that. God, I want to write a song. Why don’t I write a song? Why can’t I write a song? I want to write a thrashing, screaming song tbh. And speaking of thrashing and screaming I really want to go to the coheed and cambria show on the 20th, but I have literally no money, and it’s only $30 for a ticket, but that’s also the day that my electricity bill is due or they are going to shut off the power… soooo…. ya know… priorities. But my bones itch for it, and my nose ring would make a very nice addition to my Concert Aesthetic(tm) (Although I would be hella paranoid about it in the pit tbh. I usually don’t wear any jewelry because of *being scared of getting it caught* reasons. Still, my *one hand up to protect the face and one hand out for shoving* technique has served me really well, so it would probably be fine.) Soooo yeah, that was a cool random tangent. Also, the battery power on this thing is amazing so far. It’s still got 40% battery and I’ve had it since Saturday and only charged it THE ONE TIME. I should go to sleep now, but I also kinda wanna stay awake forever and get the chapter that I promised just… finished. Seriously, I feel so rusty at descriptive writing?? Like I honestly can’t tell if I’m doing terrible or okay. ??? -shrugs forever- I’ve still only barely started so I will probably keep getting better. We’ll see. Okay, I need to be done doing this right now anyway. I should for sure try to sleep as soon as I can, lol. But …. we’ll see what happens with that. -shrugs more and just keeps shrugging- peace!
I woke up this morning to my mom texting me about going to see a set of houses on Tuesday, and I just started crying, I didn’t even know why. It was just all too much. After the night before and too little sleep and so many different anxieties eating at me in small and not so small bites all too damn much and also a tiny sliver of hope and light. I sat on the edge of the bed just crying silently for like an hour, texting my mom my true feelings and my real fears about my unstable income, and fucking it up, and how it would be a lot less easy to deal with if everything fell apart. I couldn’t just move back home, that absolutely last ditch back up safety net I always know I have would basically not exist… or at least not exist in that same way. And she said she believed in me, and that I should remember her life motto (which is “don’t be a life pansy”). So… on Tuesday we’re going to look at it. We’re going with a realtor to see a bizarre set of 2 houses on the same lot. My brother and I could each live in one, with our significant persons. And we could split the mortgage and each have a small private yard and it just might be doable. I texted him too, asking if he would really want to do it, and he said yeah. I asked him which one of the houses he would want and he said he liked the back one, but would be cool with either. (I like the front one, but would be cool with either.) And dude… I feel stupid even talking about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like…… it’s soooooooo fucking long. I feel really stupid even allowing myself to have any type of emotions about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like……it’s soooooooo fucking long. But my tiny heart spark burns and beats and wants and hopes, despite my best efforts to be a robot.
I take my broken heart out for a drive
just cruising through the city as it rains
and we don’t even try to talk because
between us there are no real words to say
I take my broken heart out for a walk
just winding through the park and through the rain
the droplets beat a rhythm fast and low
a rhythm that my dear heart can’t sustain
I finished all my work and then I went on a really long walk while talking to my parents on the phone (via my headphones so I didn’t have to hold the phone in my hand / so I could look like an insane person talking to herself.) It was really nice out, cold and cloudy and slightly drizzly and just just getting dark. It felt good. I’ve been feeling pretty emotionally shitty and weak the past few days, so that’s been fun. Walking in the too-cold with just my thinnest jacket makes me feel better, calms my body as well as my mind. I did it last night as well. It was snowing and I kept daring myself to go one block further, face into the wind and snow. Biting and stinging and breath catching in my lungs. One more block, just one more.
Twenty-One Pilots – Fake You Out
Loudon Wainwright III – Vampire Blues
Silverstein – Burning Hearts (Acoustic)
Peter Bjorn and John – The Chills
Eartha Kitt – I Want to be Evil
Matt & Kim – Not That Bad
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Red Right Hand