Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

Florida

Hey, so, since I last wrote on here I went on a whole ass trip and came back. I just remembered that I originally made this wordpress account on the last family reunion trip, because I needed somewhere to write about stuff. This time I literally didn’t open up my laptop once the entire time I was there. Barely looked at my phone either really. I just existed, and lived, and did stuff. I didn’t even really take that many pictures, but I took a few, so I suppose I can go ahead and post them here. Basically my whole extended family on my mom’s side (21 of us in total) all stayed together in a mansion style house. It looked like this:

img_20170514_171329163.jpgAnd there was enough space so that the S.O and I had our own private room and bathroom, which was rad. (The window on the far left side, 2nd floor with that little walk off balcony railing was for our room.) It was basically located in like… this whole weird subdivision just filled with these mansions that people rent out. It was kinda a facade basically. It looked really nice but it was only surface deep. There was no soundproofing, the curtains were purely decorative and not functional at all, the towels were scratchy and terrible, stuff like that. Still, it was alright. It was nicer than where we stayed last time. It had its own private pool with squirty fountain things and (that had LED lights at night, it was rad) img_20170514_171656942_hdr.jpg

And the hot tub was only hot sometimes, but it was nice. I swam every day I was there but one. That’s where the most “family reunion-ing” took place really, everyone just hanging around in the pool and hot tub. It was really nice and kinda makes me wish I had a pool (and someone to take care of my pool for me so it’s always nice) The garage was converted into a private theater, which was also pretty rad.

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(it was significantly cooler when something other than Live Action scooby doo was playing, but you get the idea) One of the days, like the first day we actually did anything, we went to see a rocket carrying a satellite get launched into space. We were pretty far away, but we could still see it, and we could hear and feel the rumbling. It was interesting. Here is a picture of the crazy looking curly contrail it left:

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Wooosh, off into space mothafuckaaaas. That same day was the only day we really ended up at the beach. Our place was a lot further from the beach than I thought it would be, like an hour away basically, so we didn’t really get the chance to go again. But, that’s okay I suppose. I got to touch the ocean, and it was warm like a salty salty bath.

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For three of the days we were there we went to theme parks. It was like… just my nuclear family going together and other groups of people went too but we like hardly saw them and it was kinda weird. Anyway, we went to: Disney Magic Kingdom, (least fave. very hot. very lines. rides were not that cool. We got stuck on Haunted Mansion. I did not take any pics.) Epcot, (Liked it more than I thought I would. Walked all around the little world place which was fun. spent forever in Japan. did a couple rides. Didn’t take any pics.) and Universal. (Favorite. very fun. Small enough that it was easy to walk around the whole thing, lots of very fun rides including The Mummy(A+) and Transformers and also a giant roller coaster that I almost didn’t ride, but i’m glad I did because it was very cool (and my dad said he thought i was brave lol)  Overall, very short lines. Did take pictures… because it also had motherfucking Harry Potter World… which was rad. Drank butterbeer, (regular and frozen. Frozen was waaay better even tho it’s not “cannon”lol) rode “Escape from Gringotts”, took this picture:

wp-1495417825315.jpgAnd also this picture:

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Did not buy a wand, because the cheapest one was $44 and let’s face it, it’s basically just a stick. Still, overall we had a very fun time.)

The last day of the trip everyone basically hang out around the place, we managed to get like 10 people organized enough to all watch a movie together, and we swam and chilled. The flights to and from were both direct, which was rad. Now I’m home and the whole thing feels sora… surreal. So, I’m taking today to gather my brain and gather myself, and then tomorrow I have to go about actually doing things and getting my shit together. Sooooo yeah! That’s what I’ve been doing and what’s basically been happening with me. Okay, I’m out. peace.

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It’s been an extremely long day. Went back to the junkyard at 10am to pull a strut out of a dead volvo. We ended up pulling two and then picking the one that looked better. We forgot to bring a breaker bar for added – bolt removal – leverage, so we scoured the fucking junkyard until we found a random hollow bar-shaped piece of a truck that worked. From there to a westside pit stop, and then into Rio, for piles and piles of laundry while performing car maintenance. Grease and brake line cleaner and laundry detergent.  Heavy metal clanging to the ground after long minutes of delicate-but-firm rubber mallet pounding. Selecting the delicate cycle and cleaning the lint trap. Soldering severed electrical wires in the brake system, remembering to add a dryer sheet, kneading chemicals like clay to form a polymer and then spreading it over a sprawling crack. And while the adhesive set, a trip to the store. A trip to the store where I scored a new pair of cheap-but-comfortable tennis shoes, along with a few food style supplies. Then pulling piping warm clothes from the dryer, and adding a layer of industrial strength tape over the polymer patch. So strong it pulled at my skin in a way that threatened removal. Finally a shower, and into clean clothes, as the last of my junkyard garb swirled with suds. A quiet hour on the couch with my parents, watching nothing and trying to write and helping my mom with her computer. Four trips to the car to load everything up, and a long drive home. A long drive home with no squeaks or creaks or sputters.

Naps and narcs

Deep soul exhaustion. You know how draining it is on my introvert self to have to have deep, serious discussions with a group of 11 other people for hours and hours at a time? To fucking lead and facilitate these discussions? It’s so fucking draining yo. It was supposed to be done at noon today but it went until 3 … and then I had to stick around after everyone else went home to sign some shit on the record. That took another 20 minutes. When I went down to turn in the paperwork and the attendance sheet the dude apologized like a zillion times that it took so long and said that he would pay me for extra time and I was just like “it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool no worries no worries no worries no worries” It’s certainly not an income, but I *am* going to get at least a little money out of this. I don’t even know when or how much I’ll get paid, but yeah. My cousin and her husband and their kid are in town. I’ve never met her kid before, he’s like… 2? He’s interesting. Pretty sweet. It’s weird to be around a kid, I dunno how to deal with it. But he was super cute and really polite and there was live music and he was dancing to it all cute and surprisingly on rhythm. Anyway, I think I’m going to either the zoo or the aquarium with them tomorrow? Fuck, I’m tired. Like… just… so tired. And sucking at getting enough exercise lately. Just…excuses and abuses and weaknesses. I need to go fucking scrub the fucking ferret shit out of the bathroom, just in case any of them come into our place tomorrow. Sooooo yeah. I’m definitely looking forward to that. Seems like the perfect way to cap off my fucking day. I’m out. peace.

Mary Gay

***internal screams*** I had to borrow **a lot** of money from my parents because the company that bought out the company I’ve been working for has a fucking 30 day hold policy on all payments. So… like… the fucking $900 worth of work I did this week… which would have been totally enough to cover all of my rent and bills with a little left over… I won’t fucking see until November 2nd. Which… sucks… so…fucking…bad. Haha whoops, I just slipped away for a moment and started thinking about everything bad I’ve ever done in my entire life… haha… awesome. Anyway, yeah. whatever. I’ve got three more guides to write before I can go to sleep, and then 10 more to do tomorrow, and basically just…. I have to make enough to pay back my parents for this month’s rent plus enough for next month’s rent, plus enough for fucking December’s fucking rent before the 5th of next month. Soooo the moral of the story is I have to write my  goddamn ass off and my soul just has to fucking deal with it. If I could make 3 grand this month that would basically be enough. I’ll be up to a grand by the end of the night. *hysterical laughter* Like… if I get enough assignments, I can do it… but it’s a matter of whether or not I will get enough assignments, you know what I mean? yeah. I guess we’ll see. Haven’t heard anything about the trial I did yesterday… so… maybe I fucked it up, I dunno. There’s still 700 of these guides in the pool, but it’ll be down to 600 or 550 by tomorrow is my guess, and then once it gets down below 300 they basically fly out of the pool because we’re all competing with each other to see who can get them done first and get. that. paper. *deep breaths* my life is weird and the stuff I do for money is weird and I’m so tired. Okay, I have to go now, bye. (oh, also, one of the ballrooms at one of the venues I was writing about (I don’t fucking remember which one dude I’ve done 47 of them in a week) was named “Mary Gay” and I thought that would be the most hilarious place ever to have a gay wedding. Like… it would be a pretty swell place to marry gay. )

Actually, naw. I decided not to end this entry like that, because tonight my family celebrated Rosh Hashanah and it was nice and good. We were all there together, and we all ate food and drank wine and laughed about stuff and talked about stuff and hung out together and it was good. I am lucky that I get to have that. okay, bye.

Tidal

A thousand things are running through my mind right now, and I’m also exhausted. I need to make money, I need stability and I need money. I think of projects and long shots when what I should probably do is get a real job. Last month I made 2 grand and it was awesome and this month I’ve made nothing. That’s not a sustainable lifestyle, and I know it. I just don’t know what I’m doing and what the hell would I even do? So instead I work on long shot projects and think about how cool it would be if one of them turned fruitful. Speaking of shit like that I should make an etsy account… like… right now. *does it* Dude, I feel so exhausted right now. I did a *lot* of physical activity today, which felt really good but I’m definitely tired. I went to the gym, and did Cardio Roundabout(tm) which is where I do four different cardio things for five minutes each, and switch between them really quickly before my heart rate has a chance to slow down. I actually did the treadmill twice, alternating between walking and jogging. Running feels good to me now, which is fucking awesome. I also did some weight machines, yeah. Anyway, after that I rode my bike to the store, and then rode all around. I really like riding my bike, it’s efficient and nice and fun. I feel oddly… free? when I arrive at the store with nothing but my bike and my backpack. Also, it’s sorta fun / challenging to shop knowing that I can only get as much stuff as will fit into my backpack.  So yeah, a few minutes after I got back from my ride my brother asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him and his dog and I said sure and did that. I wish I had a really good sports bra, or that a really good sports bra for boobz this size existed and didn’t cost like $200. Buuuuut whateva. Not gunna worry about that right now. I’m working on a (sort of) creative writing project. It’s weird and it feels so fucking silly, honestly. I feel incredibly silly while I’m writing it, like who the fuck do I think I am? Who the fuck do I think I’m kidding with this shit? I dunno, I just feel ridiculous… but at the same time it’s like… I literally have the entire plot laid out, and it’s exactly what it needs to be for what it is, and that never fucking happens, I never manage to do that. Soooo apparently I’m going for it. We’ll see what happens. I’m so rusty at writing this type of thing. Like… I’m having a hard time just describing things in a convincing way. I’m writing a little fight scene right now, like a tiny physical altercation and it’s … hard??? for me??? I miss working on music stuff. I would like to do some of that soon. Make a new song. I think Michael would like that too. Let’s see… what else is happening? I dunno. Lots of shit. Lots of shit I’m really stressed about. Mainly money related stuff. Everything is expensive, and pressing, and scary. But hey, it just started raining. And hey, maybe I can start selling my dirty panties on the internet! And hey, maybe my custom made jewelry featuring real shed snake skin will totally take off on Etsy. And hey, maybe my mom found a true historical treasure buried in an old suitcase. And hey, maybe I’ll eek out a living writing quick and dirty romance novels Harlequin style. Shit, it’s suddenly almost 4am. I should go the fuck to sleep. My sleep schedule has been pretty ridiculous lately, and I’d like to do something about that as well in the near future? possibly?? maybe?? whatever. My body feels lithe and alive and sore and tired, so hopefully my mind will be cool and let me sleep. Peace.

home

I woke up this morning to my mom texting me about going to see a set of houses on Tuesday, and I just started crying, I didn’t even know why. It was just all too much. After the night before and too little sleep and so many different anxieties eating at me in small and not so small bites all too damn much and also a tiny sliver of hope and light. I sat on the edge of the bed just crying silently for like an hour, texting my mom my true feelings and my real fears about my unstable income, and fucking it up, and how it would be a lot less easy to deal with if everything fell apart. I couldn’t just move back home, that absolutely last ditch back up safety net I always know I have  would basically not exist… or at least not exist in that same way. And she said she believed in me, and that I should remember her life motto (which is “don’t be a life pansy”). So… on Tuesday we’re going to look at it. We’re going with a realtor to see a bizarre set of 2 houses on the same lot. My brother and I could each live in one, with our significant persons. And we could split the mortgage and each have a small private yard and it just might be doable. I texted him too, asking if he would really want to do it, and he said yeah. I asked him which one of the houses he would want and he said he liked the back one, but would be cool with either. (I like the front one, but would be cool with either.) And dude… I feel stupid even talking about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like…… it’s soooooooo fucking long. I feel really stupid even allowing myself to have any type of emotions about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like……it’s soooooooo fucking long. But my tiny heart spark burns and beats and wants and hopes, despite my best efforts to be a robot.