29

Today is my last day to be in my 20s. Holy shit. I honestly have no idea how to mentally… deal with that. Like… age is just a number, or whatever, but it’s a number that affects me. Numbers have meanings and it’s a meaningful number. I feel like I should do something special with this day, mourn or celebrate, destroy or create, but I don’t have any plans (or any money lol) and I might have to do a tour in the night time. I find it un-fucking-believable, in a way, that I’m actually this old. It doesn’t feel real. Honestly? I’m afraid. That’s the real truth of what I’m feeling. I’m afraid. Afraid to be 30, afraid that where I’m at in life right now isn’t good enough, afraid for the future. Three decades, I’ll have been alive. It’s so little and so much, how is it both? It’s happening and happening either way, so I need to find a way to make peace with it. I’m trying to come up with a fun activity to do on my actual birthday. It’s as much about my family as it is about me, really, and I want to make it fun for them. (I don’t want them to know that I’m afraid) I want to fill my heart with love, so that those I love can feel it radiating from the core of my being. If my body is a temple, I want only to become the master of my own domain. One way or another. It’s time for me to go to bed. Peace. See you on the other side.

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extol

Today is my five year wordpress anniversary. That seems bizarre and impossible, but also sort of not. It’s almost 3am. It smells like rain. I’m working on a paper. I only need to have like 3 pages of it done, and then I can sleep, and finish the other 3-4 pages tomorrow, before 6:40 in the evening, when I have to get ready for a tour. It’s honestly crazy how overwhelmed I can feel sometimes. Like… just… about everything. About the state of everyone I love. About words that I have to put down on a page and words I have to speak out loud to strangers, again. About what’s happening on someone else’s little fucking pocket rectangle. About water, roaches, food, teeth, skin, doctors, the animals in my care, parking, neighbors, clothing, communication, credit cards, electricity, internet, rent, contracts, home repair, cool air, hair, the unstoppable and horrifying march of time, music, gas, car maintenance, fear.

This is a weird list and I don’t know. But I do know that I feel overwhelmed and honestly, pretty lost. Trying to push forward, to do the things I know I need to do, to the best of my abilities, and trying to do right by myself, whatever that means. Trust, as best as I can, my heart and my guts, and let everything else fall away or fall into place. I don’t know. I don’t even know what i’m saying lol. What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what.

I know it’s late, and I’m fucking tired, and in an ideal world I would be asleep in 45 minutes. But this is not that type of world, sadly, and it’s likely that the only way I could make that happen would be to not even get close on my paper length goal here. That’s really not acceptable, so yeah. I guess I’m going to just be awake as long as it takes.

Maybe I should make a playlist, like I used to do back in some old times. It was nice and good and I liked it, and maybe I should bring it back. I’m thinking about it mostly because I’m hearing and thumbing some new music. Also, because maybe it will make me feel a way that I would like to feel? ((lol… how exactly would I even like to feel?))

OooooooooooOOoooooookay. With the help of a couple ideas and a fairly long direct quote, I officially made it past my 3 page goal. Sooooooo yeah. I think it would be in my best interest to let myself go to sleep now, and grab as much sleep as I can manage to get. Hopefully my brain will be cool, and not make that way harder than it should be. Peace.

 

The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to

Hey. I’m not sure. I know my hormones are fucking going or whatever but either way overall I’m rough. Losing my shit over an undeserved parking ticket. Choking on so much nihilistic bile and unable to spit it out. Unable to make it feel like the optimistic kind, and really, truly not knowing how to deal with that. 2 months from today is something I’m deeply not ready for, and between now and that, somehow, an entire condensed semester. Fuck I hate thinking about time. Please, I need to stop. All I can do right now is try to sleep. I finished my book, and 250 tiny little squares of plastic. I can’t find any of my usual grips, the hand and foot holds I find even in the dark. And in short, I am afraid.

garden

I’m suddenly feeling super overwhelmed again. I was feeling chill for a couple days but now I’m dying lmao. tight. tight. I just finished my homework assignment that’s due in 2 hours, and turned it in. I feel kinda sick, anxiety styles. I have tomorrow night off, but then I work for the next 5 fucking nights. That…… really sucks yo. It’s too fucking much. It’s honestly, seriously, too fucking much. I feel overwhelmed, and like I’m not a good enough ghost guide, and I need a ton of practice, and maybe really I’ll never be good enough, and maybe I don’t even really want to do this??? like… why am I even doing this?? It’s stressing me the fuck out?? And I reeeeallllyyy don’t wanna work for 5 nights straight. Also I have a 1,500 word essay about some shit I 100% haven’t read due on Friday, and 3 discussion board discussions from one class due Sunday, and a 400+ word discussion from another class due Sunday, and two assignments form my 4th class due Monday. … And I work Thurs, fri, sat, sun, and mon night. At least two of those nights are for sure *my* tours, and fucking two more of them might turn out to be, because one of the other guides just got fired, which I think was a fucking stupid ass move, because this is literally going to be the busiest month of the year, and they hired me so they could have an **extra** person, but now they’re basically back to square one except now they have someone suuuuuper inexperienced (me) Instead of someone with over a year of experience. Cool. Awesome. Awesome. Cool. Fuck. I need to practice my intro yo. I need to practice everything. I should probably stay up all night and get my homework done, right??? That would be the smart move, because I seriously fucking need **one** full day off, where I don’t have to do anything and I can maybe hopefully de-stress myself, or like… I dunno. Shit’s guna be unfortunate. It already feels unfortunate. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing lmao. I should do more work now. peace.

Cotton

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing)  Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!

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Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain