I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
Trying to concentrate on boring work stuff… but it’s haaard! I’m really distracted and I just want to play games and have sex and play sex games because those things are awesome and ohmygod. I’ve been having so much fun I feel sort of guilty for writing about it, like I’m bragging… but I really do want to write about how much fun I’ve been having. I feel like this is seriously the best my relationship has ever been. I feel … so not stressed about it and that is fucking lovely and luxurious. I just want to lay in this dude’s lap forever, or lean against his chest while he has an arm around me, or kneel on the floor at his feet and rest my head on his knee while he twines his fingers in my hair… -clears throat- erm… I mean… another normal thing that couples do! yeeeah.
But seriously you guys, it’s been fuckin’ sweet. I have lots of scratches all over my body and they are sort of itchy and mildly painful and annoying and I love it. Hell yeah, I’ll take 100 more. It has felt normal and natural and good to fall into this role. Better than it ever has, less pretension, less apprehension, more structure. He holds me accountable for things, which is amazing and makes me feel all loved and good and safe (and also turns me on more than it probably should.) -deep breaths- -deeeeep breaths- -mental cold shower-
This week is going to be really busy and crazy and hectic. Tons of stuff to do, I have a huge paper due on Wednesday and 15 articles due Friday and I have not started either of these things. Took one final today, going to take 2 more by the end of the night. We have early morning obligations on Saturday, so we won’t be able to do an epic three day long scene… but that’s okay.
Its cold outside for the first time in DAYS and I love it and I’m shivvvvering (from 50% cold and 50% … other reasons I think) I had hella weird crazy detailed sex themed dreams last night that sort of blended with reality and left me vaguely confused and sort of extra … yeeeah, anyway… I should get back to work. Also I’m going to put more clothes on because it’s suddenly cold… and I basically sit around mostly naked through the summer months.
2am with 6 pages to write. Pandora ads, man, you’re killing my vibe. I’m wicked tired and maybe I should drink caffeine or maybe I should not because it might make me go psycho style way too jittery to actually get things done. It’s a pretty fine line, that. If I could get paid for the last 5 articles I’ve written that would be great. I could really use that $200 like… now. But I have to wait however the hell long it’s going to take, who knows. Plus an extra five days after it’s even issued, and another day for the bank to actually recognize, possibly more if it comes in on the weekend… which it usually does. But whatever, I can’t really complain. I can make decent money sitting here at my laptop dropping lines from my fingertips.
I have to keep reminding myself that “sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something!” because it is kind of annoying how effortlessly my little brother can play the instrument I have just barely begun to understand. It’s okay. I’ll get there eventually. I just feel wicked slow and lame when he’s all “have you learned anything else? do you have anything cool to show me?” and I’m just like…. nah bro. I know he’s just excited but … ugh. It’s complicated. Older sibling feels… never mind.
I wish I could be more helpful for my love in times like this, but really all I can do is be there and be there and be there. Do what I can and say what I can but damn. I want it to be more. I want to have all the answers and lay them on the ground in the form of little golden statues and a bowed head. Okay, I’m exhausted but I need to get back to work. that’s more than enough of this.
I have a full pot of strong black coffee. I have 6 hours to put together an epic wicked intimidating research proposal paper. I suck at APA Citations and I keep doing them wrong apparently even though it looks like I’m doing them right according to everything I’ve looked at. So…. we will see.
The time has come, the walrus said, to bullshit many things. Some dates, and facts, and articles, and researchers’ findings.
Wish me luck. Peace, I’m out.