stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.


Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.




on writing

I’m trying to get a little bit of *actual* writing done and so far it isn’t really going well at all. Trying to write something creative feels so… ugh. hard now. Like…. I killed my writing soul with novels and novels worth of commercial words. I dunno, it kinda feels that way… but I also haven’t put a ton of time or effort into it I guess. Literally every time I talk to my dad he bugs me about writing a book. He thinks if I churn out a fucking romance novel it’s going to magically make a ton of money or some shit. I swear, my parents are like 300% more naive and …. hopeful than I am. So it’s like that basically. And since I don’t have any fucking paying work to do right now, I figure I might as well give it a try. I have basically the whole story mapped out I just have to …. actually write the fucking thing. Which is weirdly harder than I remember it being. I dunno. I totally hate romance novels and I’m just questioning every word choice every everything instead of just doing it and getting it done. Buuuut, if I have some fucking chunk of a novel to show for my no-work time, it will be something I guess. Plus, my dad will be less pissed / disappointed if I have to ask for money next month. (I really fucking hope I’ll get some paying work soon and I won’t have to, but as things stand now I’ve got fucking $0.00 lined up for next month. soooo… yeah. we’ll see I guess.) I should get an actual stable job probably. a 9 to fucking 5. I have like… $1,000 right now that I earned, but it’s all gone. It’s all fucking ghosted. $600 for rent and $200 for other bills and also I have to fucking eat I guess. (my body currently is telling me that I definitely do.) aaaaanyway, really got off track right there. My main point is that I’m trying to work on an extra-curricular writing project and the fraud police are breathing down my neck, and why did I use the word “he” so many fucking times in that paragraph? Should I have said his name more? Or is that too many times already? How do people actually talk to eachother? Do I need to give more of a back story and / or name of this character that’s going to be in the story for literally 35 seconds and then never again?  Yeah. okay. Whatever. I’m going to attempt to get at least something down. Peace.

en TITLE d

ha Fuck I feel depressed right now. Tired as fuck, doing a bunch of work that I won’t even get paid for for a fucking month. But still, I fucking have to. I fucking have to, and also hope against hope against hope that my client without a huge fucking delay gives me some more work this month, like… soon this month. I have half of my rent money sorted but that’s just half yo. I just paid 3 fucking credit card bills and that was like $100 lolololololololololololololol that means I probably have like… not nearly enough money left in my account, that’s how much. I want / (need to if I’m actually going to be serious about it ) to get myself pads and a helmet and that’s more money and I’m just feeling pretty dejected right now I guess, maybe because it’s 1am and I still have a **minimum** of four hours of work left to do, probably a bit more. I really hope that this client loads another bigger batch after this one. That would be … ideal. That would make me feel a whole fucking lot better. I should get a real job with a reliable paycheck. But like… doing what? I dunno, but I do know that this shit is growing thin. This constant unreliable income and the stress it brings is wearing really fucking thin. I kinda wanna punch that dude at jury duty in the face who fucking laughed when he overheard me telling someone that I lived where I lived because of how cheap it was. “Only $600 a month” I said and he fucking laughed “ha, that’s like more than my mortgage cost.” And I’m like yeah, you old ass motherfucker, I fucking know that. Thanks for tanking the economy and the housing market you baby booming piece of shit. Aaaaaanyhoo… Let’s take a positivity breath, because I feel like I’m about to burst into tears suddenly. *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* The other night when I was riding in the car with my mom she said “I told dad that next year for the holidays all we’re going to get for you kids is stuff for your houses.” Like… fuck. I would love so very fucking deeply to have an actual house by next year. My mom is trying really hard to make that happen for my brother and I, and fuck man… I would love that so much. I would love that so so so much. -deep breaths- Okay, I need to get the fuck back to work now. I might return sporadically because doing this helps keep me sane while I’m working for some reason. Like… why is more typing making you feel better about all the typing you have to do? I don’t know dude. I don’t know. Fuck.

8 done, 7 to go. I forgot I also had jury duty this morning lolololol. It was comparatively not too bad, everyone was relatively chill I guess? and I brought in biscochitos  which everyone seemed to like, so that was cool. There were like 6 alternates it was weird. Still, no one gave me too much trouble, even the one alternate lady who seemed hell bent on trying to add extra charges to everyone. Like… dude… lady… chill. She was dressed all business non-casual too, like… dude… lady…chill.

9 done 6 to go. The same desperate, heart jolting feelings as I had as a teenager, but softened somehow by the horror of time. And time is all it takes. time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. **finger guns** let’s drink more fucking coffee!

10 down 5 to go. Can I actually do all of these before I pass the fuck out? Or would it be better if I like… try and take a hyperquick nap and then finish? can I even do that before they time out? I don’t fucking know. I probably shouldn’t do that tho. I should finish all fucking 5 of them and then queue up 5 more and then sleep and then queue up 5 more when I get up , so I can finish them all before they expire. I can’t cheat anymore and re-claim them because the client said they would take people off the project for doing that and I can’t afford to be taken off the project no fucking way.

11 to 4. Seriously, can I really do all these? Or is it too much? fuck, I dunno. I know I’m tired as fuck. I know my eyes hurt and my soul hurts and my brain hurts. My poor brain. Not enough sleep last night or the night before or tonight or tomorrow night. ~10 minute crying break~ *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* back to work

12 to 3. It still feels like so much. Should I just let these go and pick different ones and pick back up after a few hours sleep? Or should I push the fuck through and do one more or two (or three)?  This is difficult. * skull emoji sleeping zzz guy emoji ghost emoji ghost emoji * Oh shit, so check this out, I just started writing two of them at once in two separate windows, and I’m gunna try switching back and forth between them, and fucking fight me yo.

14 to 1. That actually worked pretty well, doing two at once. I was a little worried that I might get them all mixed up in my head and fuck it up, but that didn’t happen. I dunno if it was really any faster than doing them individually?? but I think it might have been, and if nothing else it felt better for my brain I think. Sooo… one more to my goal. fuck. Right now I’m tied for *most in one day ever* and if I do one more I’ll have set a new goal and also made $300 in one day (assuming all of these make it past the editor okay, *knock on wood*)

15 to 0. Holy shit, I fucking did it. FUck, I really hope these all get accepted. I’m feeling pretty paranoid about it, but… at this point all I can do is wait and see. dude. wow. I just realized that in like 20 minutes it will have been 24 hours since I woke up for jury duty… and besides like an hour long nap I will have been awake that whole time. so… like… uuuh…. that’s funnnn. Okay, yeah. I’m going to go grab 5 more guides for my queue, and then I’m going to grab a few hours of sleep. peace.



So I finished my work from yesterday at 7am this morning, and then went the fuck to sleep. I woke up at like 10 to my phone ringing, and answered it all groggy A.F. it was the dude in charge of organizing jury duty, and he asked me if I could come down to the courthouse today, because I had forgotten to sign an indictment. I was like… fuck. really? How could I possibly fucking forget to sign one? I don’t think I did… but… maybe… fuck. So I just told him I would come in in the afternoon, and then I proceeded to go back to sleep for a couple more hours and have a bunch of nightmares about it. When I woke up I was so disoriented I was wondering if I had dreamt the whole phone call as well as the proceeding nightmares, but my phone log verified that it actually happened. So, all stressed, all freaked out I headed over to the courthouse. I do not handle fucking things up well, like it makes me feel so bad and just… yeah. I don’t handle it well, so I was all freaked out feeling bad as I went over there. Anyway, I show up, I go up to the third floor and tell the front desk lady why I’m there. She pulls the indictment out and thanks me for coming in. “Yeah, the A.D.A. didn’t sign it either, I don’t know what happened.” she said. I’m thinking… that’s super weird. I look at it and I’m like… “I for sure signed a copy of this. Are you sure there isn’t another copy in the file that’s signed? ” So she looks in the file and two seconds later finds the signed copy, that I signed, and dated, on Friday. So… yeah. Then everyone apologized to me a bunch of times for making me come in and the guy in charge said he would pay me for an hour for coming in but I didn’t care, I was just super relieved that I hadn’t fucked anything up. After that I went to pay rent and do other stuff, and then I came home and basically slept some more and I’m still fucking exhausted, but I have to do at least 100 lines of curation before I can go to bed, because I just took on another batch and it’s all fucking terrible but like… gotta bet paid son. Okay, I’m going to do some work and maybe I’ll come back.

-25 done. 25% of my goal for the day. I should really feed the small snake tonight too. I meant to do it last night but I forgot. I mean… he can definitely deal with having his meal delayed a day, but I should do it before bed probably. I had nightmares about him too, that his cage was really gross and stuff. Like.. dude. brain. chill. Okay, more work now.

– 50 done. 50% of my goal for the day. I am the very tired. I really should have exercised today. No good excuse not to. I just… didn’t. It’s not cool. My cartilage piercings are feeling a bit better today. I spontaneously decided to stretch them from a 20 gauge to a 16 the other night. I have been wanting to for a while, but I basically just went for it. I didn’t even have good jewelry, these studs are way too long and they’re annoying. Yesterday one side was really sore, but it’s feeling better today.

-75 done. 75% of my goal for the day. I am the very sleepy. Much tired. Hope to finish soon and also hope to lay down pretty soon.

-100 done. 100% of my goal for the day. cool. good. good. cool. I’m going to be done with this now, finish up some stuff, sleep soon-ish hopefully. peace.

long and soft

You can do a lot in 12 hours if you just stop caring about how fucking tired you are and you force yourself to keep working and doing stuff. Jury duty from 8 to 12:30. wrote 2 guides while I was there. Gym at 2. Home by (4?) and then food and shower and working again by 5:30 to finish the two guides due by 7. One’s done and one’s started. Have I mentioned that I’m really fucking tired? Because that’s a True Fact About Me. Hold on, I need to finish writing this thing real quick before it expires. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

Oh hey, I forgot about you. It’s 10:20 now and I’ve got 4 things to write before a couple minutes before 1. That’s…. probably doable? if I go really fast and don’t waste time like how I’m wasting time right now. But… I want to talk about stuff.

I feel like jury duty is sort of … fundamentally changing me as a person? … in a way that’s really hard to describe. But like… I was about to say that today was a pretty easy day, like… not even phased by the horrifying shit I heard about. Shit that happened in this city in this county in this state. yeah. I dunno. That’s not even what I wanted to describe. I dunno. whatever. I need to go back to work now. I’m really fucking tired all the time by the way.

I started taking a thing for “mood and well-being” a couple days ago. Originally I was just thinking about getting it for my S.O to try but then I was like… hey… I feel super sad and exhausted in an existential type way on the regular! So… I decided to try it for me too. -shrugs for a thousand hours- we’ll see. I dunno. Not much to lose from trying it tho, besides a little money. Oh shit, speaking of which I need to pay a bunch of fucking bills in the next couple days… or like… tonight would probably be good. Also I definitely need to make sure our electricity doesn’t get shut off. I’m gonna go check into that right now. Okay… that’s not due ’till the 26th. So that’s like… a whole 6 extra days. That’s nice… or whatever. I should probably just do it now tbh… but also… nah. Right, back to work or whatever.

(11:11, 2 more due by 1am) I mean, I feel like lots of shit fundamentally changes you and it isn’t always bad, it just is. Writing hundreds of these fucking wedding guides has changed me for sure. It’s made me bitter and jaded as fuck about weddings, and it’s made me hate hotels quite a bit, and it’s made me hate the words “gazebo” “caterer” and “sprawling”. Also, this client doesn’t want oxford commas which annoys the shit out of me and I have to flip the OXFORD COMMA switch in my head on and off as I write them, and I hate not using it and I think a lot of the sentences look fucking stupid without it but hey, that’s none of my business. If the client wants their sentences to look stupid and they’re gunna pay me to write stupid sentences, it’s no sweat off my ass. I’ve done worse things for less money, and probably will again unfortunately.

(11:37, 1 due by 1am) And some of the alternates who were on the jury today were so fucking annoying. This one lady just kept trying to talk to everyone and basically made us all go around and introduce ourselves like it was a fucking classroom and it was pretty gross tbh. This other lady kept making exclamations during the witness interviews. Like “Hmmm” “Uhhhuu” “oh gosh” and I’m like biiitch?? you know we’re on the fucking record and the court reporter has to write all of that dumb shit you’re saying down? and it’s going to be a part of the official record forever?? Like… we told her that but she still kept doing it and it was just obnoxious. I’m feeling fucking paranoid as fuck because as of like yesterday the number of completed guides in my list of “finished” went down from 110 to 76 and I’m like… I better fucking get paid for those. That’s $700 worth of guides. I know that that list like… times out at some points?? but it was just so random and such a random number. I’m thinking that it was the ones I did in September that just basically timed out of that list, because that seems like about the right amount. But… I’m still fucking paranoid okay? I’m pranoid they aren’t gunna pay me at all, and after the “30 day holding period” this company is just going to disappear off the face of the earth and leave me with nothing. Boy howdy would that fucking suck, considering I should get $2,420 over the course of 3 or 4 payments. … and that’s like… a ton of money. I know exactly how much I’m supposed to get and if I don’t get the right amount they are going to hear from me. I have saved **every single** e-mail confirmation that every single one of those 110 guides was approved for payment. so… there’s that.

(12:27. all the ones due at 1am are done but I still might do more idk) sail. I did the “firefighter challenge” on the stair climber at the gym today and I totally did it but I sorta felt like my lungs were bleeding when I was done… so there was that. Also, I learned that my bra holds up okay for treadmill jogging. Also, I learned that if you put two sets of house keys and two sets of car keys on one key ring it’s really fucking annoying to carry around with you. Also, I dyed my parents little white dog orange (using food coloring) for Halloween, and now she and the black dog are Halloween dogs and it is very cute. yes. My parents are out of town and I asked my dad if he would be super annoyed if I did it, and at first he said yes, but then he said “Ask the dog, see what she thinks about it” and I told him she said she was psyched to be orange… so he said okay, go for it. Honestly she was a really good sport about the whole thing and I don’t think she really minded it because she got a lot of attention and treats.

I put a nose screw in the other day (like almost a week ago I guess actually) and I really like it, it’s cute and it feels comfortable and I think that’s the style I’m going to go with  for non-rings because I could actually put it in myself which is important to me. (I’m slightly paranoid about getting it back out tbh, but I think I can probably manage it) Also it seems like my skin is happy with it, and it apparently likes surgical steel better than titanium which was kinda surprising to me. Sooo… ummm…yeah. I’m gunna go now. Possibly just go to sleep tbh. I’m tired as fuuuuck.

Mary Gay

***internal screams*** I had to borrow **a lot** of money from my parents because the company that bought out the company I’ve been working for has a fucking 30 day hold policy on all payments. So… like… the fucking $900 worth of work I did this week… which would have been totally enough to cover all of my rent and bills with a little left over… I won’t fucking see until November 2nd. Which… sucks… so…fucking…bad. Haha whoops, I just slipped away for a moment and started thinking about everything bad I’ve ever done in my entire life… haha… awesome. Anyway, yeah. whatever. I’ve got three more guides to write before I can go to sleep, and then 10 more to do tomorrow, and basically just…. I have to make enough to pay back my parents for this month’s rent plus enough for next month’s rent, plus enough for fucking December’s fucking rent before the 5th of next month. Soooo the moral of the story is I have to write my  goddamn ass off and my soul just has to fucking deal with it. If I could make 3 grand this month that would basically be enough. I’ll be up to a grand by the end of the night. *hysterical laughter* Like… if I get enough assignments, I can do it… but it’s a matter of whether or not I will get enough assignments, you know what I mean? yeah. I guess we’ll see. Haven’t heard anything about the trial I did yesterday… so… maybe I fucked it up, I dunno. There’s still 700 of these guides in the pool, but it’ll be down to 600 or 550 by tomorrow is my guess, and then once it gets down below 300 they basically fly out of the pool because we’re all competing with each other to see who can get them done first and get. that. paper. *deep breaths* my life is weird and the stuff I do for money is weird and I’m so tired. Okay, I have to go now, bye. (oh, also, one of the ballrooms at one of the venues I was writing about (I don’t fucking remember which one dude I’ve done 47 of them in a week) was named “Mary Gay” and I thought that would be the most hilarious place ever to have a gay wedding. Like… it would be a pretty swell place to marry gay. )

Actually, naw. I decided not to end this entry like that, because tonight my family celebrated Rosh Hashanah and it was nice and good. We were all there together, and we all ate food and drank wine and laughed about stuff and talked about stuff and hung out together and it was good. I am lucky that I get to have that. okay, bye.

floor plans and sticky hands

He-he-he-he-lo my soul is dying. Everything all at once and then nothing and then everything all at once. I’m tired and I did a trial for a new client but I can’t help thinking that I fucked it up. I can’t help thinking that I fuuuucked iiiiiiit uuuuuuup. -shrugs for a thousand years- we’ll see I guess. It’s too late hot plate already done. It’s cold, my hands are cold and they smell like fucking pine trees and skunks and I can’t wash it off. I need to write a ton more things but my brain is so sad and my eyes hurt and my soul hurts also. Busting through copyscape on technicalities, neglecting other assignments and trying to keep my head all shut up tight. More. I need to do more and to finish it all and to do more. It’s time and vines and porcupines. It’s flying all low to the ground on a new October night. Heart caught up beating throat raw and bleeding each second stretched to its limit and torn from me

Wine & Roses

Hey, so it’s 1:30 in the morning, and I’m deeply exhausted in a soul style manner, but I need to buckle the fuck down and keep working, keep writing. I have no idea what is going to happen with anything, but I do know that I really really really need to do as much work as I possibly can as fast as I possibly can. That’s what I know. That’s the true style truth about my life right now. I’m soooo tired, but I really have to keep going. I’ve got a whole pot of coffee and my battery on this thing lasts a really long time, so basically what I’m saying is it’s time to get back to work.

  • 2:30am: time to drink coffee. Earlier when I tried to submit a guide that I wrote the little copyscape thing popped up and was all “hey, this chunk of text exists in other places on the internet, did you plagiarize it? And I looked at the other places it was referring to and it was literally four other guides that I had written that the wedding website I’m writing all of these for had published. lol. I plagiarized it from past me apparently. Time to change up my phrasing a bit I suppose.
  • 2:32am: coffee is finished and work time is now.
  • 2:41am: skeleton rocking chair
  • 12:21pm: finished 10 guides, went to bed at 7:30am. Got less than 4 hours sleep. Now I’m here again. working again. The venue i’m doing rn is a hotel in the CA wine valley called “wine & roses”. probably gunna name this entry that and be super misleading.
  • 2:29pm: I’m going so fucking slow, because of how exhausted I am. My brain is really not working well at all at all and I feel extremely fucking irritated by everything. Like… literally everything is pissing me right the fuck off at the moment. I don’t know how to deal with anything
  • 3:47pm: The S.O has delivered me a green tea frappuccino and my irritation level has decreased by approximaely 17%.
  • 5:52pm: God, I wish I could take a fucking nap or something. Honestly, I might need to because I really don’t know how much longer my brain is going to continue functioning here. It’s feeling so slow and pathetic. Like… for realsies.
  • 2:41am (the next day): Rockstar is the best energy drink, FIGHT ME. (Actually that’s a lie, I like Red Bull better but it’s so expensive I never get it) I have 6 more things to write before I can go to sleep… so that’s like… 3 hours of work at least. Fun times.
  • 4:15am: four more to go. Getting distracted, need to zone back in and finish it off. My poor brain. Oh, my poor brain.
  • 4:41am: three to go. The pool is dwindling and I’m getting paranoid about everything and also getting generally freaked out about my life, so that’s fun.
  • 5:15am: Two to go. Going and going and go.
  • 5:58am: Last one, almost done. I really hope that the client doesn’t get pissed at me for hoarding 10 more in my queue overnight, and/or make me take them out, because that would really suck. But, I am so exhausted, and no matter what I can really only do one more tonight… so I’m going to try my best to not worry about it too much. I just took a benadryl because I’ve had so much caffeine today and I really want to be able to **actually** sleep at least for a few hours, before I have to wake up and keep doing this more. **insert general sounds of agony here**
  • 6:45am: done, 10 more in my queue that I really hope I actually get to keep and write. I need to get some sleep now, and hopefully pass out as soon as possible to make the most of my limited zzzzz time. I’ll pick this ridiculous entry up when I wake up probably.
  • 9:08pm: 4 more to write and this batch is done. I forgot about this entry basically all day. I’ve already done 6 today and I’m so close to done but also so exhausted and just feeling really out of it. I should start cooking dinner some time in the relatively near future, but mostly I should just keep writing until this is finally fucking done and I can breathe for like two seconds and not look at this fucking screen for two seconds.
  • 9:44pm: Fucking hyped up on caffeine but still having such a hard time concentrating. 3 more to go. that’s one tenth of the total number I’ve had in 3 days. Just 3 more. Just 3 more and I can chill the fuck out, and drink an alcohol, and not write anything else tonight. Three more. Three more. Three more.
  • 10:28pm: Two to go. Sort of started cooking dinner. I’m so wired and tired and fucked up feeling. I haven’t exercised in like 3 days it’s way too fucking long I feel gross and bad. Tomorrow, for sure, that’s happening. I’m going to make spaghetti squash with spicy af red sauce for dinner by the way. It’s gunna be delicious and I’m so annoyed with everything right now I just want to punch things in the face forever until it’s all pulp.
  • 10:57pm: last fucking one. I’m so ready to be done with this, you don’t even know. (or… if you managed to actually read all this garbage, you probably do know I guess.) I am soooo over it. Soooo ready to take a fucking shower and be CLEAN and DONE and take a break. Possibly even allow myself to sleep for 8 full hours tonight??? how flippin’ sweet would that be? Okay. Let’s FINISH THIS.
  • 11:33pm: done. done. fucking done.


what’s inside the song

I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and when I feel that way my first instinct is to procrastinate, which is fucking stupid as fuck and doesn’t help at all and just makes me feel worse ultimately. -deep breaths- (my second instinct is to eat … which is fucked up for different reasons, so there’s that) I feel like I’m slogging through a soup of depression. mmmm… souuuup…. Listening to these same six songs over and over again, my own little headspace recreation. “I need a new profession” I say to my dad on the phone, as I ride my bike around the school that didn’t let me into their grad school program. “heh. yeah, we all do.” he said. I used to want to be famous, want to have my name known for something. Silly small time me. Now all I want is to make enough money to be reasonably comfortable. Now all I want is a little house that’s actually mine, with a little yard, in a semi-nice area. Fuck I feel super depressed right now. I should be working. I should be fucking working. I have a new project on a new platform. I’ve done something similar before, but not quite the same. I’m having a hard time getting into the groove of it. Also, I hate the new platform a lot. But…. yeah. I need to do as many as humanly possible in the next few days. If I can get at least 22 of the long form ones or 30 of the short form ones or a mix of both finished and edited by next Tuesday, I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I don’t even know if there will be that many available, this new platform only shows five of them at a time and it doesn’t have a total number anywhere that I can see… so I have no idea. They could be all gone by the time I wake up tomorrow for all I know, and then I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I’m so sick to death of the un-reliability of this. Gambling and hoping I’ll have what it takes to make it through each month. It’s so stressful. What the fuck should I do instead? What the fuck should I do? hahaha I feel so fucking horrible right now holy shit. I’ve even fucking stagnated in my weight loss goals. Like a whole month or more with no change. That’s so unacceptable. I can feel my control starting to slip and I really really really need to get that shit locked down. I know that’s part of the reason I’m feeling so depressed (which makes me want to eat stuff… so… you can see the problem…) I’ve done so good but I still have so much farther to go and I can’t lose traction. God, I just… I can’t go back to living like that. Why is my body like this? Why is my brain like this? Okay…. so… this has been fun. Also, sorry. Also, I’m going to try and get back to work now. I have no idea if I’m doing this shit right at all, but I guess we’ll see.