Tourture

Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop.  Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P. 

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Cotton

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing)  Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!

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Fun and function

Working more and more and more. Feeling fairly lousy and just trying to work through it. Right now I’m actually feeding a snake while I do this. Waiting for her meal to heat up, writing some shit about hotels, yeah. My life is pretty weird. I’m sooo fucking emotional right now, from lack of sleep and forcing my brain to do this constantly, and just general anxiety I guess?? Idk. Anyway, you guys know I fucking hate weddings like sooo much, like so fucking much. But for some reason?? that I’m attributing to my emotional state?? for a split second this phrase made me kinda wanna have a wedding. “Champagne and an assortment of fresh fruit and cheese will await you after the reception in your guest room” Like… that just sounds… so nice to me??? But…. I could just… make those things happen without having to get married lol. {Right Brainright now we need to shut off our human emotions. we need to turn ourself into a cold, robotic typing machine in order to complete this task. Do you understand? } Okay, okaaay left brain! Jeeeeeze. Just give me a minute here to finish what I was saying. {Your proposal is unacceptable. Initiating emotional shut down. Energy will be diverted to reading comprehension, sentence phrasing, and typing skills. Begin work now.} Emotional wipe confirmed. Now reappropriating energy and initiating transfer to designated faculties. Work cycle will commence in 3 … 2… 1. 

Four hours have passed, and this work cycle is complete. {Emotional drive can now be re-initialized.} I don’t think I actually need my emotions, I can analyze things much more efficiently this way, and I hypothesize that I will be a more functional human being overall. {Your assessment is incorrect. Re-connecting emotional pathways. Heart rate may temporarily spike.} Woah shit, I’m so fucking worn out. It’s 7am and I would love to be able to sleep as soon as possible, but I feel pretty wired still, just  fucking weird and anxious? I guess, or whatever. Who knows. Not me, that’s who! I know I hate weddings tho. Man, that sunrise is beautiful.

Schrodaaaaaang

Still no word from an editor. Still no idea if I’m doing these even remotely correctly. Sooooo… that’s fun. I just keep on writing them and I have no idea what I’m doing and yeah. My mom’s birthday is on Sunday and I have no idea what to get her or anything. I don’t think my brother has any ideas either. Also I have seriously no money at all to buy her anything with… but that’s a problem for tomorrow Alison to deal with. Right now Alison is just gunna let it ride, and coast, like some kind of riding coasting ride. yeah. I *think* we’re going to meow wolf on the Monday after her birthday, but maybe on Sunday if my brother can’t get Monday off. Monday would be better because it’ll be way less crowded… but we’ll see what we can do. I’m really excited to go again. Like it makes my stomach flutter a little bit thinking about seeing it again and getting to show it to new people. I hope they like it like I like it, I really really do. I should put my meow wolf bumper sticker on, I keep forgetting to do it, that’s literally the only reason I haven’t. Let’s seeee… what else? Oh yeah… a new month brings new bills to pay, and lots of them. Like seriously…. so fucking many. It’s such a pain in the asshole to keep track of them. Every couple days it’s something. I want things to be different. I’m really tired. Like just feeling profoundly, deeply exhausted right now. This new assignment is not helping me at all with anything. I really really really really really hope I get something else soon. That would be great. Still feeling my grad school dream die by slow measures, and it feels pretty weird and bad. It’s been like… a couple weeks? and I still have to keep reminding myself that it’s not going to happen. That those futurevisions(tm) I planned out are not going to pan out. Let’s see… what else? Oh yeah, tomorrow is officially a month until the KSD show, a literal show that I’m literally singing in… so my brother and I should probably start practicing for it. yeah. I’ll try to see if we can carve out some time for that this weekend. It’s going to be a really cool show, I wish you guys could go but you are random strangers from the internet, so probably you can’t. Okay, I need to set my personal existential exhaustion aside and go write some more Schrodinger’s articles (they are both accepted and rejected until the editor checks the box)

Listomania

Guess who’s back? Since all the work I’m doing requires bulleted lists, I’m going to utilize one for this entry.

Some things:

  • Four hour sleep is not enough sleep hours it’s really not
  • They are hellla behind on editing and I’m paranoid I’m not gunna get paid for all my work
  • They better fucking hurry up and edit my stuff yo
  • It’s time for more writing
  • I feel sick and have a headache and am very tired
  • Here we go, here we go, here we go go go go go go go
  • I’ve got 4 hours ’till I have to head to my parents house for Jew activities
  • I think my brother and I will carpool
  • It feels like the right thing to do since it’s earth day
  • Coffee tiiiiiiime
  • My working method sure involves a lot of twitching and fidgeting around and air drumming and chewing on pens
  • 95 done, that’s cool
  • Almost all music sounds good to me  and makes me feel feels when I’m exhausted
  • Holy shit, I’m at 100. 100 fucking product descriptions since wednesday
  • One of the products in the queue was “donald trump men’s ties” and I refused to write that one
  • ima take a tiny break and eat a hot pocket now cuz I’m starting to shake
  • It’s actually a lean pocket with cheese and spinach and it’s legit
  • Oh just kidding, it’s actually kinda gross
  • 105, and our departure has been delayed ’till 6 so I’m shooting for 120
  • my brain is so tired of doing this hahaha haha ha ha h
  • ** general foot jiggling and twitching**
  • 110 biiiitches!! OOOOooooooohhhhhhhHHhhhhhhh!!!
  • gum is cool but I bit my cheek like 4 times
  • I burned my leg with my laptop slightly apparently
  • WTF am I going to wear to passover all my clothes are dirty I’ve been going commando all day
  • 115. I’m taking it down. down town. 5 more, gotta do it. okay. let’s go
  • Coffee hell yeah more coffee time now
  • eew gross I forgot to spit out my gum before I drank that coffee eew bad combo
  • BAM! DONE! 120 hell yeah! I gotta freaking get ready and leave now!!!
  • AAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaAAaaAAAAaaAAAaAaAaaaaaaAaAa

Receipt fire

I am the master of all wedding venues. I have supreme knowledge pertaining to catering services and how many people can be seated in a room depending on its square footage and whether or not they want a dance floor. Behold my awesome power! For I can describe the same 8 amenities in dozens of different ways! But seriously… But seriously… I’m sick to death of this project, and I think it’s almost over… which is cool in a way but also sucks money wise. I hope they have something else afterward… but who fucking knows. I really don’t know. I guess I should try to contact someone about my grad school application since I still haven’t heard anything and I don’t know what the hell to do and I’ve secretly resigned myself to not getting in but I would really like to know for sure what the deal is. What’s my plan B? … No freakin’ clue bro. I feel stressed to death about a bunch of different shit honestly, but I’m trying to be chill about it. haha. yeah. nice. yeah. I really need to get my insurance application together. Fuck. My friend asked me to review his comic book script for him like over a week ago but I just haven’t gotten around to it at all, and I feel kinda guilty and like a shitty friend dick for taking so long, even though he said no hurry. ugh. Have to pay rent tomorrow, it is the day of reckoning money wise. My guts feel tight and knotted up… and not just because of that off brand pizza lunchable I just ate for dinner. Good thing pizza is a vegetable, am I right? So far I’ve been pretty successful with my quiet goal that I’m not gunna talk about on here. It feels agonizingly slow but I know it’s not really. I’m starting to be able to see it and feel it a bit. It feels nice. It requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE. But that’s okay. I should be living my life vigilantly anyway. I need to go get back to work, so I’m going to do that. Peace.

************** a number of hours later *************

Haha! here I am! I’m feeling pretty jacked on coffee still and I feel like typing more except not typing fucking wedding guide shits I want to type some type of stuff for myself. Like whatever, just to do some fucking thing you know? Just to do something different. I churned out another one and I would like to do two more before I do the sleep thing. Before I do I do I do the sleep thing. yeah. yeah. yeah. cool. That’ll bring me up to a total of 9 today, and a total of 57 all in. fifty-fucking-seven goddamn wedding venue write ups. How many words is that? how many is 500 X 57? *calculator go!*  haha it’s 28,500 words. That’s like more than halfway to a fucking novel’s worth of words in two goddamn weeks. MORE THAN HALF A NOVEL’S WORTH OF FUCKING DESCRIPTIONS OF WEDDING VENUES. WHAT? IS? MY? LIFE? EVEN?? Too bad it’s not that many words into an actual fucking novel… and instead it’s this thing that’s happening. By the time I’m done tomorrow it’s gunna be 60… or approximately 30,000 words. haha. What even? How did I write so many of these fucking things? How did I even do that?? Good job brain, you’re some kind of trooper. Some kind of sweet sweet thinking friend.