I’m not afraid of ghosts

I’ve never felt reluctant to leave a job before, or like I’d miss it. It’s weird. Every day that i have to go do a tour, it feels like the last fucking thing in the world i want to do. I dread it, I’m so over it, but there’s still something about it that i love. Something weird and small and magical about it. being a part of this bizarre, dysfunctional group, doing the most random job ever, it’s cool. It’s special. It’s an elite club and i could explain what it’s like all night, but if you haven’t done it you can’t really know. we know. We’re there together, and we know. It’s also an 11 year old girl walking up front with you, asking you questions and telling you in confidence that she thinks her room is haunted. It’s the look of wonder you see in her eyes and you fed that. You stacked the wood and stoked it. The world is still magical for her and you made it that way. I’m ready to be done, I’m ready for a new chapter, but i think i might miss that.

It’s all a little voice

Giving ghost tours is definitely a weird fucking job. I don’t always know how I feel about it. It’s hard and draining and weird but also pretty cool. And when it goes well it’s really good. Tonight was the biggest group I’ve had in a couple months I think.  14 people all in. And I was excellent. It’s so weird, like, no matter how much I’m not fucking feeling like doing it, no matter what my mood is, no matter how tired or out of it or sad or annoyed or whatever, the second I step out there and start doing it I’m just… On. It’s just going and happening and I’m doing it. Making jokes and building the energy up up up, and just being this tour persona. I was talking to another one of the guides about it a couple weeks ago, he was trying to describe his experience of this same phenomenon to me. “Well… You probably know what I mean.” He says, “I mean, of all the people in the world, if anyone would know, it would probably be you.” And we laugh about it, and it’s a strange sort of comradery. And I just realized, really, that it’s the only job I’ve ever had where I’m not instantly replaceable. Where they couldn’t just get rid of me and have someone new doing my job the next day. It’s months of training and work for a new person, and maybe they could do it, but maybe not. Weird. Okay. It’s almost 3 am so I’m guna let myself sleep for a tiny minute. Peace. 

awnings and offings

Hi, hello, hello, hi. I should probably be trying to go to sleep but I feel really pumped up and not tired at all. Tonight I had a ghost tour and it just poured rain the entire time. It was beautiful, and honestly so much fun. I just observed and didn’t try to do any stops. We did the rain rout and stayed under awnings and it poured and poured and poured. I got soaking wet, it was lovely. We got more tips than I’ve ever seen a tour get. Now I’m home. There’s a chance that my financial aid for grad school is going to get dropped into my account today. That would honestly be so amazing and lovely. **knocks on wood** I reallyyyy hope everything goes through. I’ve got a lot of bills to pay, and that would be immensely helpful, honestly. Actual school starts the 21st. I’m a little nervous tbh. I don’t have to do another tour this week until Friday, which is really nice because I have a lot of other stuff going on. I’m trying to balance everything and everyone. I need to write and I should ghost study on my own. Also, since last night when we talked about it I’ve been thinking about **stuff** a lot. I’ve been thinking about allowing myself to be as vulnerable as a child. Truthfully I’m wildly intrigued. ┬áThat sort of attention and care and structure sounds… super appealing to me right now. Soooo…. that’s a thing. and that’s all I’m going to say about it right here. I think I’m going to take a benadryl, and then try to sleep. I might watch a bit of the “The Dead Files” episode I just found out about that’s about one of the stops on my tour.

Stories

Everyone is so nice to me at my weird new side job. This guy Craig lent me his shirt cuz they still haven’t given me one yet. I kinda hate borrowing people’s stuff, cuz it makes me paranoid, but I needed a shirt. I showed up and he was like “take off your shirt” and I was like “okay!” And just started doing it (cuz I had a tank top under and also I was pretty sure he was going to give me one) and he started cracking up that I would do that. Then I was checking all my guide’s equipment and getting shit ready to go and Craig called me over again. “Is this your first time?” He asked me, with a tone that was like… A lil concerned for me. “It’s my first time all by myself, without someone like… Shadowing me.” “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll still be shadowed… By the spirits!” He said and did his little sinister laugh. “Thanks! That makes me feel so much better!” (Weirdly it did a little actually) Then we went, and I got to see Charlie’s tour and he told me about a paranormal experience that he really had. He split the tips with me 50/50 even though he really did all the work and also I fucked up slightly on one thing. But he said it was okay, that I did well. My head is crowded with ghost stories, and I’m already starting to plan how I want to tell them. It’s a lot. I hope I’m not too overwhelmed when grad school starts. I’m going to drop myself from my freelance projects. I hope that’s enough. Really I’d like to do 3 nights a week or fewer of the tour thing. We’ll see. I feel so tired and everything feels like too much tbh. I need a day. I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s true. I feel too vulnerable to allow myself the luxury of feeling vulnerable. I want things and want things, but I’m afraid of getting actually hurt. I held out so strong so in control for a long little spell and it was good. I would gladly do it again. But now my blood sings for surrender, and I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. So there’s that lol. There’s that, and here’s to sleep. I have an arduous, taxing day ahead of me.