Octubre

I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah.  I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.

welding gloves

Here I am again, another night of writing shit for money. I am very very tired, but I still have … like… 8 fucking articles that I have to write before I can sleep, because I procrastinated a shit ton and didn’t do anything yesterday… or today during the day. So now here I am. Hold up. Okay, three done, five to go. It’s almost midnight. Lol. this sucks. In an ideal world, I would be done with this in 2 hours, by 1:45, so I can snag like two hours of sleep before waking up to be a Good Significant Other(tm). Buuuuut I dunno if that’s really possible or not. These are like… bottom of the barrel articles. Weird, obscure topics that are harder for me to write about. Still, I’ll do what I can. Okay. here we go. Lmao I’m writing about fucking toilet parts and stroller boards (which are apparently a thing you can attach to a stroller for like a toddler to stand on or whatever. I literally had no idea it was a thing until about 3 minutes ago) Mkay, those are done. 3 to go. It’s 12:30. We’ll see what happens I guess.  Okay, 2 to go, but now it’s 1:15. I’m Very Tired. lol. lol. lol. C’mon, I can do it. I’ve written 6 of these fucking things since I got home from my tour. Okay. Last round. let’s finish it. Wrenches and water filters. Okay. done. done. okay. I had more stuff I wanted to write, but I’m fucking exhausted and it’s 2:15, so peace.

worning

Worn and worn down. Got the night off tomorrow which is really really nice, after that it’s all on call and I have no idea how that’s going to shake out. But I’m getting used to it??? I think??? sort of??? I do better and better every time, that’s a true fact. Now I’m here, at home, and I just realized that I have a discussion board assignment due in like 45 minutes. That’s tight. Also, I have to finish my stupid bio for the tour website, also, I have to clean and oil my gun and load mags and lock it back up in it’s secret safe. My life is weird. Today has been… weird. It’s amazing how draining just … being in the sun for an extended period of time can be. I used sunscreen but I still look darkened, possibly burnt. I have a bruise on my shoulder. I thought my dad was exaggerating about that recoil but he was not. Okay, I finished the discussion, now I have to reply to some other peoples’, but that’s not due ’till the 5th, but I should probably just take care of it tonight so I can not worry about that. I just paid rent, and internet, and electricity, and credit card bills, so peace out $800 lmfaooooooo RIP. RIP. RIP. RIP. Okay, whatever. I don’t have to pay anything else ’till the 15th, and I should be okay, as long as I chill the fuck out and stop spending money on shit lmao. There’s so much stuff I want, it really sucks being broke all the time. I want a new bed, a new mattress, because ours is faaaairrrllyyyy terrible at this point in time. I want a new couch, for the same reason. I want a .22 and a leopard gecko, and a second car for a 2 person household. Buuut, oh well. At the moment this list isn’t helpful, at all, so I’m just going to move on. I need to deposit my ghost check. Tomorrow I would love to have just a fun, chill day, maybe go see IT, maybe just straight chill. I really need to hit up the zoo and aquarium some more times. I really do. I should put effort into that soon. Like… real soon. Fuck, I’m tired yo.  Okay, finished my bio. It’s short, but like, whatever… it’s probably fine. One more response to someone’s discussion post and I’m DONE, nothing else due ’till Sunday (a lot of stuff on Sunday and I need to work throughout the week, but I can prrrobably safely take tomorrow fully off. *knocks on wood*) Okay, done with my discussion. Now I just have to do some quick gun maintenance, and I can go to bed. peace.

Happy Jew Year 5778

weary and wary. Both my freelance projects are done for the moment, and that’s what I would usually be doing right now… so I feel a little weird actually. There is a lot of school stuff I could be taking care of, but I’m currently not. I looked over all of it and it’ll be fine. I’ll do my film class first round on Thursday or Friday and my information literacy stuff Friday or Saturday, and my intro to grad stuff Saturday or Sunday and my film class second round stuff Sunday or monday, and my “ways of knowing” stuff Monday or tuesday or wednesday or whatever. It’s fine. It’ll probably be fine. So far I’m keeping up with school. I’m pretty much not nervous about my tour guide stuff anymore. I ended up not having to present yesterday, which was annoying because I stressed myself the fuck out about it so much. Instead I saw the boss lady do *her* version of the tour last night and… holy shit… let’s just say… I’m not nervous about showing her my presentation anymore. My rival still sucks and I still hate him, but he’s not going to be doing ghost tours in October at all. He’s going to be an assistant still through the whole month. Soooo ha. take that bro. Except he’ll probably assist for me sometimes, and I’m suuuper not looking forward to that. ALSO, apparently one of the full assistants (like… my favorite one) got fired for some reason. She’d been there for like 4 years, no idea what happened there… but she’s gone. That kinda sucks IMHO. I feel like they need to hire more **just assistants** but whatever. I just don’t wanna get stuck assisting basically. I’m over that assistant life. I ordered all of my equipment. I’m a little skeptical about the voice amp I picked out, but if it sucks I can probably return it in time to get another one by Monday. yeah. whateva. Tomorrow is Rosh Hoshanah, and we’re going over to my parents’ house for that. Probably guna do laundry too and whatever. As far as my personal style life and my heart soul stuff, I’m not sure how I’m doing tbh. Sometimes it seems real good. Real Good. And then other times I feel … heartsore and soulweary, and I can’t shut up the little voice that just whispers you’re not enough you’re not enough you’re not enough And I know that’s not really true. I know it’s … a lot more complicated than that. A lot more nuanced than that. But even so, even still, I can’t always (you’re not enough) logic my way out of it. It’s feelings and chemicals and visceral gut checks. And I’m tired. I’m pushing myself hard in a lot of different directions. Trying to balance, trying to find balance. Maybe I should try and sleep now. (Or maybe I’ll just watch vet ranch on YouTube and cry cuz I have built up emotions lol)

Official

My client officially paid me for my insane work week last week. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I made $2,041 in one week. It was a horrible week but I did it and I earned that shit. Hell yeah. Amazing client, amazing life. I’m proud of myself and I hope I get more work soon. Real soon. As soon as possible. But I’m going to try my best to enjoy the time I get to spend on other things. I feel relieved that she officially gave me the money. However: I won’t be able to actually get it until Tuesday of next week, or thereabouts. But that’s okay, overall.

I also wanted to talk about my snails. I had snails for a few months, my boyfriend picked them up for me from a random yard in the rain. I wanted to let them go before it got cold so they could hibernate naturally. I also wanted to let them go somewhere better than where I found them, because there is a good chance they would have gotten killed or poisoned in that random yard. I also wanted to leave them somewhere it would be consistently moist, which is hard to do in the desert. After a couple weeks of thought I remembered the perfect place. A tiny little oasis near my parents’ house. I used to catch tadpoles and stuff there as a kid. It’s a pond some months out of the year and sort of dried up in others, but it is always at least semi-moist and tons of plants grow around there. I left them with some food, and I think they will do really well there.

Day 2 of this weird diet. Feeling sorta hungry and sorta annoyed. It’s okay, it’s whatever. It’s healthy shit and way more vegetables than my body is used to, which is good I suppose. Friday night we are going to make our own meal and also drink and I’m looking forward to that a lot, probably too much. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I feel dumb and gross for even talking about it on here, it’s something I’m used to keeping super private. So… um… sorry. Sorry.