Hold my

It’s spit and mortar

Holding me up it’s

Ghosts and horror

Filling my cup

And the log rough hands of fate

Can’t keep themselves to themselves

And The fruit we scorned and ate

Is flying off the shelves

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Mus

I need to make a new song and it

Needs to slap like my palm to your face

Consenting and real and in place

Deep in a secret smooth way

Light on the surface but

Doused all in rain

Trembling trebel

And simmering bass

A foregone collision

Of palm to your face

Mending wall

I worry and worry and worry. It’s heavy on me and I feel like even to write it directly would be a curse, so I won’t. Even still, even still. I just dropped $60 on textbooks, and it’s likely I’ll have to spend more soon. It annoys me when I can’t find e-book versions, (preferably FREE e-book versions) of my textbooks, and I have to have physical copies like some sort of peasant. I’m doing an assignment right now that’s going to be turned in late, but maybe it won’t be a huge deal… I’m not sure. It is whatever it is, I suppose. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing… like… about anything… ever. So far I really haven’t gotten a good start to the semester. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I trust myself to get my shit together. *knocks on wood* We went to the library the other night, and I got 5 books. I’m almost done with one of them (it’s a graphic novel, so no great accomplishment) but it’s been a significant while since I’ve read a physical paper book, and it is nice. I want to do more of it. I had a tour tonight and it went really well. First one I’ve had in over a week, and I need the money so it was good, but as usual I did not want to actually go and do it at all. But, it went really well. One of my best ones really. It was just two people, which is always kinda weird, but more or less weird depending on what they are like. They were both very tall, lovely human specimens. Him with a puerta-rican accent somewhat faded by 9 years in the states, and her with a wide bright smile. I could tell right away they would be a good little audience, and they were. Total believers, which is always a bit more fun for me. It’s easier for me to make them get into it. At one spot they were trying to take pictures after I told them “this is the spot, just last week, where two people both got pictures of a creepy translucent face up in that window” (which is a thing that did happen, but it was like 3 months ago, but like… that doesn’t sound as good from a storytelling standpoint) And as they were trying to take pictures both of their cameras started glitching out, and neither would let them actually take a picture when they were pointed at that spot. They both started freaking out, getting really excited, and I was definitely seeing it happening, and I was hyping it up “wow! that’s so cool! I’ve never seen that happen before! How awesome!” but my skeptical, jaded ass was like... eeeeehhhhh whateva it’s probably nothing internally.  But they had a really good time, and the lady kept saying that I was so good, that I was amazing, and then at the end she asked if she could give me a hug, and I was like LOL sure, and it felt like hugging a majestic giantess.  Alright, it’s time for me to Very Quickly finish up this already late assignment, and send it off to my professor with apologies and a healthy dose of “the instructions were confusing” (which is true) and generally see how that goes. Peace.

Post Title

“Share your story here” okay WordPress. Once upon a time it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the 5 articles I promised to deliver. And I really should have been asleep, but I couldn’t fucking sleep, because my brain was awash in thought and ideas and images and full formed games and half formed plans. I start to blame myself. I wasn’t engaging enough. I didn’t inspire enough feeling. And maybe that’s true, and definitely I could always improve, but it’s not fucking useful to berate myself. It’s new still and I’m new at it, still. But I’m good. I have a true spark and flame and flare for it. I found it and it’s mine and I’m finding more of it still. I want to be strong. I want muscles and muscles and it feels good to want that. I have everything I need to forge ahead. I have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. And they all lived happily ever after, the end. 

talk through

I dunno why it makes me feel better to write through stuff on here, but for some reason it does. My instructor got back with me with notes about the intro/conclusion and outline for my huge ass paper, and she was super encouraging and helpful, and gave me full credit on both even though they were technically like… almost 2 weeks late. So that makes me feel slightly less freaked out about that paper in general,  (but still a little bit freaked out). Also along with these two huge ass papers I have finals for 3 classes in the next few days. lmao. And like… I just feel like I’m getting pulled in a lot of different directions. I have a tour on Saturday night for sure, and prrrobably on Sunday as well. I’m worried about my S.O and want to spend a lot of time focusing on them. {{and doing a variety of things for and to them in general}} I want to get a bunch of stuff and try new stuff. ((I really liked the thing you wrote for me)) I want to get a tiny Christmas tree and decorate it. I *need* to fucking exercise. I just really haven’t been, and it’s really not cool. I need to be doing something active basically every day. I think I’m experiencing… like… a low grade depression. Like I just don’t feel motivated to move, to do stuff. I know that I really fucking need to, but I feel stuck and it fucking sucks. Once again, I’m hoping I’ll be able to shake myself out of it once I get through this patch of school. I’ve also just been letting myself eat stuff, like whatever, and drink a lot and I know that’s A. not fucking cool and B. ultimately makes me feel more depressed. I need to shake myself out of this pattern, it’s gross and I hate it, and it makes me feel gross and hate myself lmao. Anyway, yeah. cool. whatever. I also really wanna do stuff for my animals. The ferret needs more attention / exercise. I want to up-size both of my snake tanks (and I have everything I need to do one, but it’s guna take time) and I want to hook up the beta I impulse bought with a bigger setup as well, even though what he’s got now is technically fine. I have to get alll my fucking paperwork together and sign up for health insurance by the 15th or I’m going to be fucked. lmao. That’s going to be a huge pain and take forever, and I’ll have to go down to the office at least once… but I seriously can’t let that shit slip through the cracks. It’s super important. What else? I dunno. Time is passing really quickly right now, and I should maybe?? try to sleep??? at some point??? But really I should probably do some more work on this paper first, since I literally only have 3 more days to work on it and I probably have tours on 2 of those days. Soooo yeah. okay. peace.