Saturn return

Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.

Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

hear still

Hey, it’s been a minute, hu? I have like a couple abandoned drunken poems that I started and then couldn’t think of a next line or whatever so I abandoned them, so yeah. that’s whatever. I’m working on personal projects because a long boring story of a thing happened that made me suddenly feel… incredibly discontent with not getting credit for my own work. It’s different if I’m just writing content for a website, and no one is getting credit for it and it’s just credited to the website itself. That’s like… I can live with that. But dude I found an article I ghost wrote for $11 and the person taking credit for it was the VP of Marketing of a huge fucking company. Like she has got to have a fucking 6 figure salary at least and she’s fucking taking credit for my work. Acting like an expert in her field with the help of words I wrote for $11. Bro. Dude. Dude. Bro. For some reason that like… killed my soul guts. SO I’ve been working on two personal projects, one fairly short one novel long. I’m more or less 10% done with both. We’re going on a fucking trip in like 10 days (9 days now I suppose omfg) and I’m like… I’ve got a bunch of shit I needa take care of and get in order before then and I’m getting freaked out about it kinda. But … hopefully I can do it all and it will be okay. I’m not going to think about it anymore right now. I got a lot of exercise today and it was very nice. I went to the gym and then like 20 seconds after I got home my brother texted me and asked if I wanted to go ride razor scooters around the university. I was like… sure, let’s do it. And it was honestly so fun. He brought his dog and his dog ran and we scooted and it’s good exercise, seriously. There were quite a few people around but they were all amused by us and the tiny dog and our scooting around scoot scoot scoot. I kept going ahead and making the dog chase me, thus pulling my brother’s scooter. Ugh, it’s so late and I’m having so many feelings.  I’m currently listening to a pretty weird new album my one of my all time faves, I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Okay, I promised myself I would do at least some work on my other project, so I’m going to go do that, and then I’m going to try and sleep I suppose. Peace.

Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

Nightdreams and marescapes

And in dreams I can’t work numbers
In dreams I know it’s wrong
There is a lion in the side yard
Of my childhood home
The upstairs of my apartment
Is in my childhood home
And I can’t work numbers
And I know it’s wrong
An unexpected visitor
A screaming intruder on the porch
Of my childhood home
A horror secret buried across
From my childhood home
And I can’t work my phone
And I know that it’s wrong

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

The 22nd-ing

Feeling fucking bad yo. Dejected as fuck. Guilty, worried. If I spend literally $0 I’ll have exactly $4 less than I need to pay the last credit card bill of the month. Maybe I can scrounge for some fucking change. Maybe one of you 288 people wanna hook it up for me. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad!I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I applied for 6 (or possibly 7 I honestly don’t remember) freelance jobs on upwork today, and I’m going to try for more tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything back yet. Haven’t been too keen to take new assignments via that website cuz they take a fucking 20% cut now but… I’ll take anything at this point. Maybe one of you 288 people want to hire me to write something. I can write fucking anything. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. A dude in his 40s hit on me at the store today. Like… Pretty aggressively. Like… Followed me down two separate aisles trying to engage me despite my super clear non-interest / actively trying to get away. He finally said “we should exchange numbers” and I said “I don’t want to do that. Peace.” And continued walking away and he finally left me alone. I was not in a good state to have to deal with that. Like honestly it wasn’t even that big of a deal but I was already feeling worn, sad, weak and vulnerable and it kinda fucked me up. Like… Tearing up in the car, slightly shaking status. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it out loud when I got home so here we fucking are. Yeah. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Tomorrow brings more applying and applying myself. Also my dad’s birthday is Saturday and I need to figure out how to get him something with my $-4. Hit me up if you wanna make a charitable donation or commission me to write literally anything. (That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!)