Tidal

A thousand things are running through my mind right now, and I’m also exhausted. I need to make money, I need stability and I need money. I think of projects and long shots when what I should probably do is get a real job. Last month I made 2 grand and it was awesome and this month I’ve made nothing. That’s not a sustainable lifestyle, and I know it. I just don’t know what I’m doing and what the hell would I even do? So instead I work on long shot projects and think about how cool it would be if one of them turned fruitful. Speaking of shit like that I should make an etsy account… like… right now. *does it* Dude, I feel so exhausted right now. I did a *lot* of physical activity today, which felt really good but I’m definitely tired. I went to the gym, and did Cardio Roundabout(tm) which is where I do four different cardio things for five minutes each, and switch between them really quickly before my heart rate has a chance to slow down. I actually did the treadmill twice, alternating between walking and jogging. Running feels good to me now, which is fucking awesome. I also did some weight machines, yeah. Anyway, after that I rode my bike to the store, and then rode all around. I really like riding my bike, it’s efficient and nice and fun. I feel oddly… free? when I arrive at the store with nothing but my bike and my backpack. Also, it’s sorta fun / challenging to shop knowing that I can only get as much stuff as will fit into my backpack.  So yeah, a few minutes after I got back from my ride my brother asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him and his dog and I said sure and did that. I wish I had a really good sports bra, or that a really good sports bra for boobz this size existed and didn’t cost like $200. Buuuuut whateva. Not gunna worry about that right now. I’m working on a (sort of) creative writing project. It’s weird and it feels so fucking silly, honestly. I feel incredibly silly while I’m writing it, like who the fuck do I think I am? Who the fuck do I think I’m kidding with this shit? I dunno, I just feel ridiculous… but at the same time it’s like… I literally have the entire plot laid out, and it’s exactly what it needs to be for what it is, and that never fucking happens, I never manage to do that. Soooo apparently I’m going for it. We’ll see what happens. I’m so rusty at writing this type of thing. Like… I’m having a hard time just describing things in a convincing way. I’m writing a little fight scene right now, like a tiny physical altercation and it’s … hard??? for me??? I miss working on music stuff. I would like to do some of that soon. Make a new song. I think Michael would like that too. Let’s see… what else is happening? I dunno. Lots of shit. Lots of shit I’m really stressed about. Mainly money related stuff. Everything is expensive, and pressing, and scary. But hey, it just started raining. And hey, maybe I can start selling my dirty panties on the internet! And hey, maybe my custom made jewelry featuring real shed snake skin will totally take off on Etsy. And hey, maybe my mom found a true historical treasure buried in an old suitcase. And hey, maybe I’ll eek out a living writing quick and dirty romance novels Harlequin style. Shit, it’s suddenly almost 4am. I should go the fuck to sleep. My sleep schedule has been pretty ridiculous lately, and I’d like to do something about that as well in the near future? possibly?? maybe?? whatever. My body feels lithe and alive and sore and tired, so hopefully my mind will be cool and let me sleep. Peace.

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I started making pendant necklaces with shed snake skin in them, and I gotta say they look pretty awesome.

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Like definitely sellable quality awesome. I really like making them too. You don’t know for sure what they’re going to look like until the last piece is in place, it’s pretty interesting.

I was gonna make this entry all long and complain about a ton of shit, but I’ve decided to not do that and just be done instead. Read a couple pages from one of the weird ebooks I’ve got on here, then try and sleep. Peace.

Kinky sex: I’m having it.

I’m getting real tired of living in the space between two domiciles, sharing walls as thin and useless as a soggy paper plate. I fucking hate these new neighbors. Their constant smoking, their loud ass clomping around all the goddamn time, but more than fucking ANYTHING… that kid’s shitty ass music that seeps right into the bedroom while we are trying to sleep. My boyfriend has gone over there a few times to tell them to turn it down and explained when it would be okay to play it loud but those fuckers still don’t get it and they are disrespectful and I hate them. When I’m trying to sleep, every time I hear a noise I think might be their stupid fucking music again I feel fear. I feel stressed out and sick, because I don’t want it to be that and I don’t want to have to elevate this conflict or involve calling the apartment complex people because I just fucking hate that, and also they know we have ferrets and we aren’t supposed to have pets here so they could report us for that and really fuck us over if they wanted to be dicks about it. It’s just so not cool and so unnecessary and disrespectful and you could wear some motherfucking headphones you piece of shit. I just hate the whole situation and it makes me feel bad and I want some fucking personal space and not to have to deal with this sort of bullshit all the time. I want a house and I want it soon and I don’t care what it’s made of or how big it is as long as it has some sort of yard. Some sort of private outdoor space that separates it from other domiciles. But I’m still too poor to make that happen. Maybe soon-ish. Hopefully. 

Aaaaaaanyway, I have been having a good amount of kinky sex the past couple days, and it has been really fun and nice and hot and good and helps me have a more positive outlook on the world at large. If I bruised easily I would totally have a handcuff bruise on at least one of my wrists, but I don’t bruise easily or very much at all so I just get to have it feel all tender and ouchy without the satisfaction of actually seeing a mark. 😛 (Although one time I had to go to a job interview with hella bruises and handcuff marks on my wrists and I didn’t notice until I was already there so that was slightly awkward.)… ButI I digress. I like this kind of thing and it has been a long time but it makes me feel good and it gives me access to a part of myself I enjoy and sometimes miss. I like having something around my neck and it looks like a normal style necklace but it is a collar secretly maybe secretly maybe. 

Okay, I have to go and do work and get things done and stuff. I have sort of a lot of work to do and it’s all due at midnight. I’m wicked tired and should maybe make coffee. Going into Rio tomorrow I think, trying to get recording done.