wedding hells

Sooooooooooooo…. hello! This week I’ve been working for a new client on a new project on a new platform. Basically I’m writing ~500 word reviews/descriptions of wedding venues. I’ve written 17 of them since Tuesday. That’s a lot of wedding venue reviews… but I’m going to try and hit 30. That would be enough money to cover rent and bills, with a tiny bit left over. So that means I need to shoot for writing 8 of them today… but I’ll settle for 7. Also, I fucking hate weddings and wedding culture. Have I mentioned that? So this is like….. I’m just in a perpetual state of being slightly annoyed while I’m writing them. having to use all kinds of flowery wedding related language and just silently apologizing to my jaded little soul self the whole time. (“sorry buddy. sorry you had to say that. sorry you had to think up that sentence with the words “lush bridal bouquet” in it. Sorry you had to say the words “special day” so many times. It’s gonna be a special day when you get paid for these, that’s what.”)  But honestly, I’ve done worse things for less money… so I can’t really complain. I think this project is gonna be over in like … 5 more days? is my estimate? maybe only 4, I dunno. So I’m going to try and suck as much money out of it as I can manage. This client said they are going to have other work after this, which would be rad since I haven’t heard a peep from my main client in like a week… but I don’t trust or count on anything. Nothing is reliable in the freelance world and I’m honestly really sick of the instability of it all. I want a steady, predictable income. -shrugs for 50 years- I still haven’t heard anything about grad school… no news is good news they say? but I just feel all twisted up about it honestly. If I don’t hear anything by the start of April I’m gunna see if I can contact anyone to find out what the deal is. No post on Sundays, so I don’t have to think or worry about it today… which is a little bit nice I think? Last night was pretty chill and fun. I was very drunk and we watched dumb movies and stuff and at one point we were scream singing dumbass emo songs. I dunno. I think it was pretty chill. I keep having dreams that I think are at least mildly kinky? but I don’t actually remember them? I just wake up with that feeling like…. something freaky went down in dreamland. Sooo… that’s something. Could be hormone related, because my **special blood time*** is due to happen any time now. I’m gunna start calling it that. Special Blood Time. Sounds like a ritual sacrifice or something. The ritual sacrifice of my goddamn uterine lining. You’re welcome. Alright, well, I have to go write about a hotel off of Lake Taho with “Stunning panoramic views of the sparkling water”.

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I dreamed a dream in time gone by

Do I ever write one of these entries when I’m NOT supposed to be working? I don’t think so. That’s really the only time I feel like doing it, when I’m not supposed to. Fuck I’m tired. I slept in reeeallllly late today but I’m still tired. I was dreaming about a weird math class where we were drinking wine and I had no idea what was going on, kinky detention and weird punishments??? I don’t even really remember. I’ve been out of school for 3 years. How long do you think it will be before I stop having dreams where I suddenly remember that I have a class I haven’t been to in like a month and I’m totally failing and I have no idea what’s going on? I dream about the same school sometimes, not a real place. never been there outside of the dreaming, but I’m always lost and looking for a class there. Anyway, the whole thing was weird and slightly kinky for some reason? and I kept calling people sir I feel like. >>>___<<< 

After I slept in super late I got up and went to the gym pretty much immediately, even though I had hella articles due within a few hours. Still, I try not to let my physical body suffer because of my brain-centric work so I went, and I’m glad I did because my body and mind both feel better for it. However, I came home and started working immediately to make my deadline and I still haven’t taken a shower which I really need to do and I will do as soon as I finish ooonnne more article. 

Welp! That’s about enough info about my personal biz. 

So sail, stalwart souls

Everyone understands the world differently, and interprets it differently, and reacts to it differently, and I cannot expect anyone to interpret it the same way as me … ever… for any reason I know this. But sometimes I still get really annoyed at how other people interpret the world. Just the difference between how they viewed this event and how they are reacting to it and how I saw it, and how I reacted, just … irks me for some reason. AaaaaAaaaanyway, The website I NEED to use to do my work went down last night (See: early this morning) So I couldn’t get as much of my work done as I wanted to. As a result I have hella more work to do today than I want. I’ve gotten some of it done but I still have a long way to go. Also I got woken up two hours earlier than I wanted, which is not exactly improving my demeanor. When we went out earlier today to grab some supplies I saw two separate people in the store wearing obvious collars that did *not* look like a simple fashion statement. (one was a choke chain) Apparently the freaks come out at 1 in the afternoon here?? It was pretty interesting. (I like having a collar that is 100% stealth for public wear, and then an obvious one for certain ~~activities~~) My little red volvo is in the shop, getting the AC fixed and making the front drivers’ side window roll down… hopefully. I’m hoping I can get it back by tomorrow, when I am blessedly free of work… but we will see. You know how car stuff goes. I Might be doing some recording early next week. Haven’t done music stuff in so long I’m just sorta like… ugh. Not super enthused to get back into it. But hopefully that will change. I need to get back to work now. I’m way more sensitive to caffeine than I used to be. It makes me SsSsSshake , but it keeps me awake.

My freelance clients will never know that I work basically naked most of the time.

Trying to concentrate on boring work stuff… but it’s haaard! I’m really distracted and I just want to play games and have sex and play sex games because those things are awesome and ohmygod. I’ve been having so much fun I feel sort of guilty for writing about it, like I’m bragging… but I really do want to write about how much fun I’ve been having. I feel like this is seriously the best my relationship has ever been. I feel … so not stressed about it and that is fucking lovely and luxurious. I just want to lay in this dude’s lap forever, or lean against his chest while he has an arm around me, or kneel on the floor at his feet and rest my head on his knee while he twines his fingers in my hair… -clears throat- erm… I mean… another normal thing that couples do! yeeeah.

But seriously you guys, it’s been fuckin’ sweet. I have lots of scratches all over my body and they are sort of itchy and mildly painful and annoying and I love it. Hell yeah, I’ll take 100 more. It has felt normal and natural and good to fall into this role. Better than it ever has, less pretension, less apprehension, more structure. He holds me accountable for things, which is amazing and makes me feel all loved and good and safe (and also turns me on more than it probably should.) -deep breaths- -deeeeep breaths- -mental cold shower-

This week is going to be really busy and crazy and hectic. Tons of stuff to do, I have a huge paper due on Wednesday and 15 articles due Friday and I have not started either of these things. Took one final today, going to take 2 more by the end of the night. We have early morning obligations on Saturday, so we won’t be able to do an epic three day long scene… but that’s okay.

Its cold outside for the first time in DAYS and I love it and I’m shivvvvering (from 50% cold and 50% … other reasons I think) I had hella weird crazy detailed sex themed dreams last night that sort of blended with reality and left me vaguely confused and sort of extra … yeeeah, anyway… I should get back to work. Also I’m going to put more clothes on because it’s suddenly cold… and I basically sit around mostly naked through the summer months.

Should be sleeping

Oh my god I should be asleep. I should have been asleep ages ago, but I’m awake and can’t stop thinking about things. Love and lovely things and oh man I’m a sexual deviant but not in any like… illegal ways so it’s okay. I was so weak all day and his every touch just… so powerful and I wish I could allow myself to feel that all the time but I couldn’t function. still, I adore it and love it when I can. I should be asleep, but I stayed up to read the rest of a moderately kinky webcomic that I really liked because it approached the whole issue of bdsm in a realistic way that highlighted its human imperfections and dangers and beauty and it went a long way toward explaining why someone might be so drawn to it. I should be asleep. I’m going to try to sleep but I can’t stop thinking about how much I love the man who’s bed I share, and all the things he makes me feel and Damn I want him to bite me again and I want to do a scene that lasts longer than a night. Oh man, I’m in deep. I’ve got it bad. Okay I’m going to try and sleep.

My darling, oh, I must have you

I love my boyfriend, because he is awesome, and I sound like a 15 year old girl but I don’t even give a shit. He really is awesome, and I never got a chance to say that sort of thing when I was a 15 year old girl, but I get to now. I feel lucky and happy to have him and he made me scream so loud the neighbors pounded on the wall but it was like 4 in the morning so I can’t really blame them. We fit well together, in so many ways. Things have been amazing lately. We’ve been doing lots of kinky stuff and it’s been… everything I ever wanted out of that kind of exchange, but never knew how to get. I feel fulfilled and just good. It’s weird which parts I find I relish. One of my favorite things that happened last night, right before we went upstairs we were talking about pain and punishments and he was trying to explain a concept to me and get me to think about it critically but I was not actually putting effort into trying to think critically. We got upstairs and I could tell he was sort of mad at me, so I asked him if he was. He said he was irritated with my lack of trying and I realized he was right. We talked about the importance this dynamic plays in our relationship and I apologized, and told him he was right, and I laid my head on his lap and he messed with my hair and I felt genuinely sorry, but the thing is I enjoy feeling genuinely sorry and it gives me this certain very unique feeling twist of dark pleasure that touches me in a deep place. It’s weird and at times highly confusing and sort of bad… but there is nothing quite like it. Anyway, I’m recording it terribly, but that whole interaction and just hearing him talk about how important this is to him was just… good. Special. Afterward we continued on with a myriad of activities of a sexual and somewhat violent nature, eventually culminating in an orgasm that made the neighbors bang on the wall at 4 in the morning. I look forward to the next scene we do. Tonight, we are watching Hannibal and maybe more game of thrones (My love is finally watching it with me, and I’m waiting for him to catch up before I watch the new ones… which is taking a decent amount of patience. 😛 ) 

Spring break! Woohoooo! *rips off shirt*

This break has been really really nice, even though it wasn’t as productive as I wanted it to be in some areas. It was extremely successful and fulfilling sexually. I used to write about my kinky sex life all the time on xanga, when xanga used to be a thing. I had friendslock on and I was totally comfortable writing that stuff and I enjoyed it and actually got a lot out of it, it helped me reflect on the activities and pinpoint what did it for me, why I liked specific things, and other stuff. Anyway, I dunno how comfortable I feel doing that kind of junk here. SO MANY random strangers follow this blog, but I am fairly anonymous style, so maybe I will go for it. I dunno. I keep having flashbacks of last night, and they are good. Really intense, really fun. An itinerary is a fairly accurate description of the list of specific tasks I am given to complete. It keeps me on track to know exactly what is expected of me and it erases so many of the weird stupid thoughts and feelings I would always get hung up on. Knowing exactly what is expected of me, and that these expectations will be enforced is incredibly comforting to me and it frees me of anxiety and allows me to live in the moment and just try my best, and feel, and learn, and improve, and enjoy what I’m feeling without thought pollution. The sex itself was fantastic, even though it’s only a part of the whole experience for me. Doing kinky stuff just… satisfies a part of me that I get so used to having unsatisfied that I sort of almost forget I’m even feeling that way, until it happens and I am fulfilled and everything feels different. We were in the store today, picking out some alcohol for later, and I just laid my head on my boyfriend’s shoulder and hugged him and totally went away for a minute. I’m me and I’m his and I glide through the world.