stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

court is adjourned

I spent a lot of today at Jury duty, as part of a Grand Jury, holding people’s fates in my hands like tiny baby birds (Tiny baby birds who almost all for sure committed some crimes) And it was… really draining?? It didn’t help that I only slept for like 3 hours the night before. Also, I awoke to an email saying that I got rejected from that project that I did a trial for a couple days ago. That’s literally never happened to me before for a writing project like that and it’s making me feel pretty terrible tbh. I thought I might have fucked it up and apparently I fucking fucked it up. Soooo I’m trying not to hyper focus on that and just move on. Anyway, I got 3 guides written while I was at jury duty, because there were lots of breaks because everything takes forever all the time. I can’t tell you guys about any of the specifics about the cases because “ALL GRAND JURY PROCEEDINGS MUST REMAIN SECRET FOREVER” It literally says that all huge in the handbook, it’s pretty hilarious. The whole process was bizarre and tedious and like… why didn’t I try harder to get out of it?? I might have been able to??  The dude who sat across the table from me was the most annoying person I’ve encountered in a really long time. Like… he was asking the most asinine questions and focusing on details that didn’t. fucking. matter. to. the. cases. Like… it doesn’t fucking matter whether the person was drunk or on drugs, you don’t need to fucking ask that. WAS the thing they did illegal?? Yes?? Then it doesn’t fucking matter whether or not they were drunk while they were doing it. It doesn’t fucking matter if their reason for being angry when they did the thing was valid or not.  That does not make the thing they did any more or less illegal. At first I was just being quiet (because I’m shy AF) but he kept asking shit that was sooo0 not relevant so I just kept fucking reminding him that those things weren’t fucking relevant to the case and that wasn’t what he was supposed to be considering. Listen to the evidence given. Does it sound like the person did the thing? Or did the person not do the thing? All these random extraneous factors you’re trying to bring into it DON’T. FUCKING. MATTER. This isn’t the actual trial. We’re just trying to decide if they *should* go to trial. Jesus, why don’t you ask about their star signs while you’re at it you fucking old ass douchenugget. Also while we were on our lunch break and I was trying to get some work done to make the most out of my time there he wouldn’t fucking stop trying to talk to me. Like… ignoring all of my “DON’T TALK TO ME” social cues. Such as: looking only at my laptop and typing things on my laptop. Wearing fucking HEADPHONES. Giving one or two word responses to your questions. Like… dude. Go back to eating your nasty looking yogurt and leave me the fuck alone. I was the youngest on the jury by at least 5 years, which was sorta weird I guess? (Lowest age number highest IQ number tbh.) Like… they all just seemed so much fucking slower than me. Slower at reading, slower at understanding directions, slower at coming to obvious conclusions. It was weird and I sound sorta like an arrogant asshole right now but it was a true fact. Oh, and another thing that fucking douche guy did that pissed me off?? I ended up basically explaining my whole job to him hoping that if he realized I was actually trying to do my literal work he would leave me the fuck alone, but that was a naive hope I suppose. Instead, he said some shit like…. “wow, that sounds sort of like the opposite of my career path. I started by working a 9 to 5 and then when I had a solid financial foundation I just kinda started goofing around.” AND I’m like…. excuuuuuuuuse me bitch?? You saying that I’m goofing around?? You think writing a fucking novel’s worth of words about super tedious topics in two weeks is goofing around? You think I’m having a jolly good time? Fuck your baby boomer fucking ass. You ruined the economy and now you’re living off social security from our fucking taxes you piece of shit. You know NOTHING about what it’s like to try and make it out here now. You can’t just “get a solid financial foundation” that easily anymore you fuckwit. You absolute tool. You have no idea what kind of shit we’re facing, what kind of uphill battle it is. How fucking DARE you insinuate that I’m “goofing around” because the way I make money isn’t traditional. You are out of touch and out of bounds and you’re lucky we’re already in a court room because you’re gonna want a lawyer when I knock your fucking teeth out you piece of shit.  aaaaaaaannnnyyyywwwwwaaaaayyyyyy…. I also started my period while I was there… sooo…. that definitely added to my overall rage. And now it’s midnight, and I still have six guides to write before I can go to sleep, and I’m exhausted but also sorta feeling hyper-focused? Or maybe just hyper-motivated? There’s a **chance** that I can actually have a semi-relaxed night tomorrow, and god, I want that so much. I’ve been working so much non-stop almost all the hours I’ve been awake for days and days and days and man, I could really really use a breather, you know? But that’s only going to happen if I kick it into overdrive right now and immediately when I wake up tomorrow. I’m tired guys. I’m so fucking tired.

I know a thing about contrition

I got a micro-batch of work. It’s another project, another client. I’m suddenly getting hella  new clients all over the place and it’s cool but sorta weird. Hopefully some of them will actually have some steady work soon, that would be rad. Anyway, this is a short project that’s only expected to last a couple of days… which is okay. I’ll do as much as I possibly can during those two days. I’m writing tiny short product descriptions for just a couple bucks a pop, but it only takes me a few minutes to do each one so it’s not too bad overall. It’s boring but it’s not too bad. I didn’t sleep very much last night so I feel all weird and off but it’s okay. Might go on a walk soon just to stretch my legs and get my mind back in order. tomorrow I wanna hit the gym again, and basically work all day constantly before and after.

Oh hey, now it’s 2am and I am helllla tired, and tired of writing things. I’ve done 34 of these description things as of now, and I’d really like to make it 50 before I go to bed, but we’ll see if that ends up happening. I’m not a huge fan of having to grab them from a big pool queue thing where all the writers get them. It makes me feel like I’m competing with all of them to get them done as fast as possible. I prefer to just say “I’ll do X number” and get that many and not have to compete. But whatever. Freelancers can’t be freechoosers… or something.

I feel like my family is still kinda dancing around me since my grad school dreams died. Like they don’t know how to talk about it or how sensitive I am about it, but it’s okay. Like today I took one of my frequent nighttime walks with my brother and I said I wanted to go through the school this time and I could tell his face was like “are you sure?” and my face was like “yeah it’s cool no problem” And we did, and I secretly did feel slightly sad and weird the whole time but it was still nice. We walked under some really nice smelling trees that smelled like artificial grape flavoring … in a good way.

Today was 4/20 … blaze it! Except not me because weed makes me feel pretty bad. Mostly it makes me get **wicked introspective** which is like… literally the exact opposite of what I want when I ingest things. I want my brain to shut the fuck up, not GET LOUDER AND MEANER. Plus I get hardcore munchies which is horrible and also bad. But hey, to each their own self be true.

I need to keep working and I want to buy some bananas so I can give them tattoos. Tomorrow is probably going to suck a lot, I want it to be Friday. Oh well. I know I shouldn’t wish time away. I should just buckle down and concentrate. Bye.