Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

auto motives

It’s been an extremely long day. Went back to the junkyard at 10am to pull a strut out of a dead volvo. We ended up pulling two and then picking the one that looked better. We forgot to bring a breaker bar for added – bolt removal – leverage, so we scoured the fucking junkyard until we found a random hollow bar-shaped piece of a truck that worked. From there to a westside pit stop, and then into Rio, for piles and piles of laundry while performing car maintenance. Grease and brake line cleaner and laundry detergent.  Heavy metal clanging to the ground after long minutes of delicate-but-firm rubber mallet pounding. Selecting the delicate cycle and cleaning the lint trap. Soldering severed electrical wires in the brake system, remembering to add a dryer sheet, kneading chemicals like clay to form a polymer and then spreading it over a sprawling crack. And while the adhesive set, a trip to the store. A trip to the store where I scored a new pair of cheap-but-comfortable tennis shoes, along with a few food style supplies. Then pulling piping warm clothes from the dryer, and adding a layer of industrial strength tape over the polymer patch. So strong it pulled at my skin in a way that threatened removal. Finally a shower, and into clean clothes, as the last of my junkyard garb swirled with suds. A quiet hour on the couch with my parents, watching nothing and trying to write and helping my mom with her computer. Four trips to the car to load everything up, and a long drive home. A long drive home with no squeaks or creaks or sputters.

that which yields

we have dreamed this day, we dream still, and tomorrow will wake from it 

I’m pulling myself back to reality after the last couple days. Valentines day and our -sort of sort of not- anniversary the next day. It has been like a breath of air, a vacation from myself and my thoughts. Everything narrows and simplifies for those hours, and afterward everything is softer. All of the problems from before still exist, but they are somehow beveled. As I go through the day smiling softly to myself to think on it. It was intense, after so long. I was experiencing such strong, visceral reactions. Fire and ice racing through me and clean excitement. A dance at once familiar and new, as we find our footing and each other. A thin thread of nervous fear winding through it all, somehow making it sweeter. I am sore today, and tired, and really it’s a good thing that I don’t bruise easily because it would be hard to explain, if the myriad of tender spots I feel had colored. I didn’t do anything today really, just… recovered. It’s been nice. I’m not going to go into any other details. Anyway, tomorrow is another day with another set of things to deal with, and I have to actually start dealing with them… for reals. big time. Okay, for now I’m going to go, and read, and breathe, and give myself this reprieve.