“Share your story here” okay WordPress. Once upon a time it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the 5 articles I promised to deliver. And I really should have been asleep, but I couldn’t fucking sleep, because my brain was awash in thought and ideas and images and full formed games and half formed plans. I start to blame myself. I wasn’t engaging enough. I didn’t inspire enough feeling. And maybe that’s true, and definitely I could always improve, but it’s not fucking useful to berate myself. It’s new still and I’m new at it, still. But I’m good. I have a true spark and flame and flare for it. I found it and it’s mine and I’m finding more of it still. I want to be strong. I want muscles and muscles and it feels good to want that. I have everything I need to forge ahead. I have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
Blood pounding in my ears
This is the 30th time this has happened
Since I’ve been alive
It’s so wow and I’m so lucky
And this year I will be more worthy
Of love and trust and confidence
Of the gift of my body
Of those who believe in me
Of my tenuous place on the planet
Of all of it
It’s weird that the holidays are already over. I wasn’t ready for them and then they happened and it’s just… weird. I feel weird. Restless and slightly anxious about conflicting schedules and tight timelines. Also, I should go into Rio and see my parents and help them set up their Echo Dot(tm) (I was super skeptical about being gifted one, but now Alexa is my robot butler friend and I don’t even care if she’s spying on me because there really isn’t anything interesting for her to hear, except maybe some weird sex noises… but like… have fun with that folks at amazon.) I’m trying to knock out some freelance work. It would actually be ideal if I could finish all of my required articles tonight, and then not have to do anything tomorrow, so that I can like… hang out, and possibly go to see Star Wars maybe possibly. I should ask if anyone wants to take my New Years Eve tour for me, because I hellllaaaa don’t want to do that. We’ll see tho. I really don’t want to fucking do one on Saturday either, but I will probably have to. That’s part of my anxiety, since that’s like… the only **full** night we’ll have to do stuff for a few days But… it’ll be okay. I’ll make it work. I’ll just have to get us started from afar with an away mission. Anyway, yeah. I can seriously hear the S.O snoring upstairs right now, which is cool. I’m glad they are sleeping well. In fairly awesome news, we got gifted a brand new mattress from my brother’s girlfriend’s mom. She’s a real-estate agent and it was in one of the houses she was selling and no one else wanted it so we got it. Still in the plastic and everything. We haven’t set it up yet, but I’m pretty excited to do so, because it seems pretty awesome. Also, our mattress is a sunken garbage pile, so like…. I’m excited. It’s prrrobably the best mattress I’ve ever had in my possession. Some name fucking brand shit. It pays to know people. **hoooooooly fucking shit** I just looked up the model number and everything, this is like a fucking $1,300 mattress. Jesus fucking christ that’s totally insane. Like… is this for fucking real??! I’m honestly speechless. I can’t believe we’re just being gifted this. Holy fucking shit. Like… for the last couple months I have been seriously considering buying a new mattress, but the most I could really afford would be about $200… and it would probably be terrible and not last long, like what we currently have. This is some game changing shit yo. Like… I kinda wanna make sure they actually want to just give it to me??? but like??? they’ve had it for a few days and no one else wanted it???? They had a few days to change their minds about it. And really, the lady who gave it to us makes like 300k a year being a real-estate baller, so this is like… nothing to her. Soooooo uuuuhhhh, it’s in my house now, and I’m just gonna accept it, and be grateful, and holy shit. I am SHOOK. I’m fucking psyched to get it all set up tomorrow. Okay. wow. wow. okay. wow. wow. okay. wow. I’m definitely going to finish my work tonight, and then hopefully I can plan some sort of celebratory type of deal tomorrow. (or like… a date, but a date that has to end by 11:45 because that’s when my S.O turns back into a pumpkin.) Okay, two articles done, only two more to go. However: it is now 1:30 in the morning, and if I have any hope of getting even close to enough sleep, I need to go to bed like… now. Soooo I dunno. Should I stay up and finish my work? Or sleep and cram it in somewhere tomorrow? Let’s look at the offerings and decide. Okay, picked two, finished one, started the other. Should I sleep now? probably. Okay, yeah. I’m going to. Whoops, I stayed awake and finished the last one. Tight. Tight. It’s done now, and I’m going to try and go the fuck to bed. Peace.
Tired and wired and overwhelmed. Trying not to let my heart guts hurt over it. Reading the terrible attempts of my peers always makes me feel a little better about my prospects, even though I’m The Procrastinatress of Last Minute Manor. It’s a lot, everything is a lot. But I’m doing it. It’s happening. Tomorrow a dude is coming to look at our fucked up fridge (and hopefully just replace it). I cleaned it all out and it was pretty disgusting. Then I got to take a 100% freezing shower because there was no hot water. Cool. This thing is due by 11pm tomorrow and I plan on having it done a while before that, but we’ll see I guess. Life is crazy and I’m having just…. so many different feelings right now it’s honestly so much to process. I sort of wish I had planned out like… an elaborate proposal, somewhere beautiful. But I suppose a cuddled conversation on the couch followed by some pretty intense sex is not the worst way to do it. (And really, there’s nothing stopping me from still doing something romantic and elaborate at another time if I am so inclined, preferably when I have more money and less on my only-est plate.) God, there are so many things I want to do. So many things I want to try. I feel keen eyed and capable. Exercising patience and restraint, stopping my hand from cutting through the air, stopping my teeth from cutting through skin. Easy, wait. It doesn’t feel like a suit I’m donning, a persona I’m exemplifying. It feels like me, keen eyed and capable. Mind racing with devious plots and thoughts and uses for knots. I want to see you cry and crawl and beg with my foot on your chest. Your wide-eyes shy away from mine, I burn and burn and exhale a dragon’s breath. I want to mark you everywhere, claim every inch of you. Breathe. Breathe. It’s late and this isn’t what I should be doing now. It’s 2am and these are not the thoughts I should be thinking. But on the other hand, I just came up with a topic for the paper I have to write. So there’s that. Now I need to go write a thesis and maybe start to outline this bitch. Then, if I’m very lucky, I’ll be able to catch a tiny bit of sleep.
Dudes I’m so tired. (she says, again, for the thousandth time) Hey, shut the fuck up judgmental italics voice, this is a place I often come when I’m tired, so it’s natural that I would mention it… a lot. Anyway, shut the fuck up. (Whatever you say, sleepsy McGee) I swear to god… you need to shut the fuck up. Two of my friends came to see my tour tonight, it was sort of last minute, but it was cool to have them come and see it. It went pretty well overall, but I couldn’t help but feel… extra nervous having them there??? I don’t know why I would feel more nervous around my friends than fucking strangers… buuut oh well I guess. I *think* they liked it, I think they had fun. (Judgmental italics voice is trying to be a dick and tell me that those things aren’t true, that they thought it was dumb and I was dumb… but… judgmental italics voice needs to shut the fuck up). Aw man, I should have given them a button. I meant to, but I just forgot. It’s a lot. everything is a lot. My voice is fucking tired, it hurts and I can tell it’s starting to sound ragged. I really really hope I don’t have to fucking work tomorrow. I could have and maybe should have like… texted The Boss Lady and told her my voice is feeling not awesome and it would be great to have a night to rest it, but like… I hate doing things like that, and apparently I would rather gamble and possibly suffer, because I can’t stand the thought of looking even slightly weak or slightly unreliable. **thumbs up** (#dommeaesthetic) I did get another five star review yesterday tho, and a group asked me to take a picture with them after the tour, which was cute. I just finished all of my school work that is due tomorrow, so hopefully I can have some time to work on other projects. I want to do my big snake tank project, and I want to / really fucking need to get some exercise. I really need to figure out ways to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine, even when I have tours, even when I have school work to do. I need to make time for it, I need to prioritize it. It can be hard to schedule and figure out how to get it done with time to shower and be presentable by 7pm… but I need to get it figured out, because I’m starting to feel real fucking shitty about it. Anyway, yeah. There are lots of other things I want to do as well. (oh shit, it’s suddenly 4am lmao) I want to practice rope work (I’m quite pleased with the little ~appropriate for public wear~ collar and cuff set that I made from para-cord, and I want to try more things) I want to have time to just… be able to think about things I want to try, things I want to orchestrate, if that makes sense. I don’t want to just have to snatch little snippets of thoughts as I’m trying to mostly shut them up and concentrate on whatever piece of work I’m trying to do. The ability to just spend hours thinking about it and planning things out sounds so lovely and luxurious to me right now. I want to look into the viability of corks on needle ends. I want to study knots and boots and ginger roots. I want to hone myself into a fine sharp blade. I want time, time, time.
I’m a unicorn now apparently. I’ve gotten two messages on my *new* tumblr from random dudes in the last two days, trying to talk to me and whatever. Wanting in on this in some strange internet way. “So you’re a domme?” One asks, though the answer would appear fairly obvious, and my answer is true and good. “I’m whatever I choose to make of myself, that included.” Last night was lovely and not long enough. Time holds greater cruelties than ever I could devise. I grow at ease with myself, in a way I find surprising. A growled exhale and there are embers on my breath. My thoughts race and riot, and there’s never enough time for it all, but it’s good. My life is strange but I feel, in a way, more at peace than I have in a long time. *knocks on wood*
I’ve got a lot of stuff on my only-est plate. I’m so fucking exhausted and I really just want to be asleep now, but like I said… stuff. plate. My last entry was suuuuper dark, and I’m kinda sorry about that, but it was for sure how I felt at the time. I’m not 100% sure how this one is going to come across, but oh well lmao. Let’s just get into it.
- Activities happened last night. The “away mission” and the first part of the night went really well and were very fun, but then it sorta fell apart in a big way. Shit got weird and emotional AF and I ended up talking about shit I wasn’t really planning on talking about. I still feel kinda bad, like I fucked it up and didn’t read the situation right. It felt so big, like so much was riding on it… but… yeah. I dunno. If the S.O is okay, and okay with it than ultimately I am as well, and we can move forward.
- I managed to bruise the absolute shit out of my palm during said activities. I really don’t bruise easily **at all** so this is like… serious business. It goes all the way up to my fingers. It’s really fucking annoying ’cause it’s my right hand and I use it for literally everything. It doesn’t show up super well in pics, but here’s proof for posterity.
- I have a mid-term that I have to take tomorrow, and I should be studying for it right now instead of writing this shit. I’m kinda nervous about it, I’m not going to lie. It’s a two hour test with essay questions and shit. (open internet tho lol)
- Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, in October, and I’m a ghost tour guide. It’s going to be absolutely fucking packed, there are already 56 people signed up for the 8pm tour and 45 people signed up for the 10pm tour. I’m guide #2 for both, and I will probably have to do both, and that’s really going to fucking suck. Same deal for Saturday, but fewer people so far.
- My little brother is the best, and he brought me some absolutely foul tasting “singers saving grace” throat spray to help my voice not get fucked up when I have to talk for 3 hours straight.
- I have a bunch of other homework due on Sunday, including a weird thing for my film class where I have to watch a (probably super boring) movie and do all kinds of screen shots and write about them and shit. And I’ll *probably* have a tour Sunday as well, unless I get magically super lucky.
- Oh shit, I’m supposed to memorize a fucking list of Friday the 13th facts before my tour tomorrow. lmfao. awesome.
- I really need to get my shit together as far as eating better and exercising more is concerned. I want to continue to make progress, and I certainly don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I need to get my shit together in that arena. I’ve been so busy, but I need to make time for it and I need to be mindful, vigilant. It’s really that simple.
- Today was pretty nice tho. I didn’t do shit, even though I definitely should have. Like a full day of doing nothing, of softness and aftercare. And my love falling asleep on my chest while I held them. Just fully asleep, head on my chest, wrapped in my arms. Safe. Mine. That was honestly the most calm and peaceful and just… content I’ve felt in like… a long time. Too long.