better work

Dudes I’m so tired. (she says, again, for the thousandth time) Hey, shut the fuck up judgmental italics voice, this is a place I often come when I’m tired, so it’s natural that I would mention it… a lot. Anyway, shut the fuck up. (Whatever you say, sleepsy McGee) I swear to god… you need to shut the fuck up. Two of my friends came to see my tour tonight, it was sort of last minute, but it was cool to have them come and see it. It went pretty well overall, but I couldn’t help but feel… extra nervous having them there??? I don’t know why I would feel more nervous around my friends than fucking strangers… buuut oh well I guess. I *think* they liked it, I think they had fun. (Judgmental italics voice is trying to be a dick and tell me that those things aren’t true, that they thought it was dumb and I was dumb… but… judgmental italics voice needs to shut the fuck up). Aw man, I should have given them a button. I meant to, but I just forgot. It’s a lot. everything is a lot. My voice is fucking tired, it hurts and I can tell it’s starting to sound ragged. I really really hope I don’t have to fucking work tomorrow. I could have and maybe should have like… texted The Boss Lady and told her my voice is feeling not awesome and it would be great to have a night to rest it, but like… I hate doing things like that, and apparently I would rather gamble and possibly suffer, because I can’t stand the thought of looking even slightly weak or slightly unreliable. **thumbs up** (#dommeaesthetic) I did get another five star review yesterday tho, and a group asked me to take a picture with them after the tour, which was cute. I just finished all of my school work that is due tomorrow, so hopefully I can have some time to work on other projects. I want to do my big snake tank project, and I want to / really fucking need to get some exercise. I really need to figure out ways to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine, even when I have tours, even when I have school work to do. I need to make time for it, I need to prioritize it. It can be hard to schedule and figure out how to get it done with time to shower and be presentable by 7pm… but I need to get it figured out, because I’m starting to feel real fucking shitty about it. Anyway, yeah. There are lots of other things I want to do as well. (oh shit, it’s suddenly 4am lmao) I want to practice rope work (I’m quite pleased with the little ~appropriate for public wear~ collar and cuff set that I made from para-cord, and I want to try more things) I want to have time to just… be able to think about things I want to try, things I want to orchestrate, if that makes sense. I don’t want to just have to snatch little snippets of thoughts as I’m trying to mostly shut them up and concentrate on whatever piece of work I’m trying to do. The ability to just spend hours thinking about it and planning things out sounds so lovely and luxurious to me right now. I want to look into the viability of corks on needle ends. I want to study knots and boots and ginger roots. I want to hone myself into a fine sharp blade. I want time, time, time.

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yes

I’m a unicorn now apparently. I’ve gotten two messages on my *new* tumblr from random dudes in the last two days, trying to talk to me and whatever. Wanting in on this in some strange internet way. “So you’re a domme?” One asks, though the answer would appear fairly obvious, and my answer is true and good. “I’m whatever I choose to make of myself, that included.” Last night was lovely and not long enough. Time holds greater cruelties than ever I could devise. I grow at ease with myself, in a way I find surprising. A growled exhale and there are embers on my breath. My thoughts race and riot, and there’s never enough time for it all, but it’s good. My life is strange but I feel, in a way, more at peace than I have in a long time. *knocks on wood*

My only-est plate

I’ve got a lot of stuff on my only-est plate. I’m so fucking exhausted and I really just want to be asleep now, but like I said… stuff. plate. My last entry was suuuuper dark, and I’m kinda sorry about that, but it was for sure how I felt at the time. I’m not 100% sure how this one is going to come across, but oh well lmao. Let’s just get into it.

  • Activities happened last night. The “away mission” and the first part of the night went really well and were very fun, but then it sorta fell apart in a big way. Shit got weird and emotional AF and I ended up talking about shit I wasn’t really planning on talking about. I still feel kinda bad, like I fucked it up and didn’t read the situation right. It felt so big, like so much was riding on it… but… yeah. I dunno. If the S.O is okay, and okay with it than ultimately I am as well, and we can move forward.
  • I managed to bruise the absolute shit out of my palm during said activities. I really don’t bruise easily **at all** so this is like… serious business. It goes all the way up to my fingers. It’s really fucking annoying ’cause it’s my right hand and I use it for literally everything.  It doesn’t show up super well in pics, but here’s proof for posterity.IMG_20171013_005652
  • I have a mid-term that I have to take tomorrow, and I should be studying for it right now instead of writing this shit. I’m kinda nervous about it, I’m not going to lie. It’s a two hour test with essay questions and shit. (open internet tho lol)
  • Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, in October, and I’m a ghost tour guide. It’s going to be absolutely fucking packed, there are already 56 people signed up for the 8pm tour and 45 people signed up for the 10pm tour. I’m guide #2 for both, and I will probably have to do both, and that’s really going to fucking suck. Same deal for Saturday, but fewer people so far.
  • My little brother is the best, and he brought me some absolutely foul tasting “singers saving grace” throat spray to help my voice not get fucked up when I have to talk for 3 hours straight.
  • I have a bunch of other homework due on Sunday, including a weird thing for my film class where I have to watch a (probably super boring) movie and do all kinds of screen shots and write about them and shit. And I’ll *probably* have a tour Sunday as well, unless I get magically super lucky.
  • Oh shit, I’m supposed to memorize a fucking list of Friday the 13th facts before my tour tomorrow. lmfao. awesome.
  • I really need to get my shit together as far as eating better and exercising more is concerned. I want to continue to make progress, and I certainly don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I need to get my shit together in that arena. I’ve been so busy, but I need to make time for it and I need to be mindful, vigilant. It’s really that simple.
  • Today was pretty nice tho. I didn’t do shit, even though I definitely should have. Like a full day of doing nothing, of softness and aftercare. And my love falling asleep on my chest while I held them. Just fully asleep, head on my chest, wrapped in my arms. Safe. Mine. That was honestly the most calm and peaceful and just… content I’ve felt in like… a long time. Too long.

Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain