Yeah

Burn out my bad luck on the small things

Steal my money, scorch my food, Lose my rings

Moths can dine on my very best clothes

Split my lip split my hairs bleed my nose

Stoplights go red and my breaklights burn out

Break my dishes, sunglasses, and boughs

Burn out my bad luck on the small things

So maybe the big stuff will pass me up clean

I’m not afraid of ghosts

I’ve never felt reluctant to leave a job before, or like I’d miss it. It’s weird. Every day that i have to go do a tour, it feels like the last fucking thing in the world i want to do. I dread it, I’m so over it, but there’s still something about it that i love. Something weird and small and magical about it. being a part of this bizarre, dysfunctional group, doing the most random job ever, it’s cool. It’s special. It’s an elite club and i could explain what it’s like all night, but if you haven’t done it you can’t really know. we know. We’re there together, and we know. It’s also an 11 year old girl walking up front with you, asking you questions and telling you in confidence that she thinks her room is haunted. It’s the look of wonder you see in her eyes and you fed that. You stacked the wood and stoked it. The world is still magical for her and you made it that way. I’m ready to be done, I’m ready for a new chapter, but i think i might miss that.

Minuet

It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.

Bone-crushing dogs

I’ve been feeling pretty decent overall for the past couple weeks, focused and kinda sorta content, in my way. But I’m suddenly feeling less calm and confident, less sure and focused, more stressed, depressed, jealous, irritated and just fucking angry. Probably hormones are involved but it’s also just … feelings. This assignment is stressing me the fuck out, which isn’t helping anything. Not knowing whether or not I have a tour tomorrow night is also not fucking useful. I want time, and affection, and to have this assignment finished. My bro is going to Mexico tomorrow, for like three days, for his best friend’s wedding. Hopefully he will have a chill, fun time. We hung out with our parents for a little while yesterday, running errands and moving furniture and it was nice. My brain is starting to cook on this assignment, some ideas are starting to form. As I’ve told myself again and again, I need to focus on controlling what I can control. I need to focus on myself, and my goals. I need to make decisions that will further those goals. That is what I need to focus my mind on, instead of obsessing about things that aren’t in my hands. Right now, I need to make my brain focus on this particular task. I need to craft three possible ideas, and pick my favorite, and seal my fate. I applied for graduation. Now I just have to do the work. Peace.

Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

Nightdreams and marescapes

And in dreams I can’t work numbers
In dreams I know it’s wrong
There is a lion in the side yard
Of my childhood home
The upstairs of my apartment
Is in my childhood home
And I can’t work numbers
And I know it’s wrong
An unexpected visitor
A screaming intruder on the porch
Of my childhood home
A horror secret buried across
From my childhood home
And I can’t work my phone
And I know that it’s wrong

OoOOooooOOooooOooo

Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.