Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

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The 22nd-ing

Feeling fucking bad yo. Dejected as fuck. Guilty, worried. If I spend literally $0 I’ll have exactly $4 less than I need to pay the last credit card bill of the month. Maybe I can scrounge for some fucking change. Maybe one of you 288 people wanna hook it up for me. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad!I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I applied for 6 (or possibly 7 I honestly don’t remember) freelance jobs on upwork today, and I’m going to try for more tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything back yet. Haven’t been too keen to take new assignments via that website cuz they take a fucking 20% cut now but… I’ll take anything at this point. Maybe one of you 288 people want to hire me to write something. I can write fucking anything. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. A dude in his 40s hit on me at the store today. Like… Pretty aggressively. Like… Followed me down two separate aisles trying to engage me despite my super clear non-interest / actively trying to get away. He finally said “we should exchange numbers” and I said “I don’t want to do that. Peace.” And continued walking away and he finally left me alone. I was not in a good state to have to deal with that. Like honestly it wasn’t even that big of a deal but I was already feeling worn, sad, weak and vulnerable and it kinda fucked me up. Like… Tearing up in the car, slightly shaking status. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it out loud when I got home so here we fucking are. Yeah. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Tomorrow brings more applying and applying myself. Also my dad’s birthday is Saturday and I need to figure out how to get him something with my $-4. Hit me up if you wanna make a charitable donation or commission me to write literally anything. (That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!)

an inconvenient thing to be

Preparing an offering of insufficient worth, for tomorrow when I have to show my hands all empty of coin or credit. A token and an unbelievably silly feeling one at that, but oh well I suppose. It is what it is, and I’ll have to bare empty hands either way, so I might as well. I might as well. I might as well. At least no one had to pay a ton of money to fix my car. That’s good. That’s important and also good. I’m holding that in my mind as a positive as I prepare to lay out my case. And I have all manner of strange tabs open here. This one and a dauntingly long list of work from home opportunities, and two tabs about how to take scientific surveys of fish populations, and copy block procedures in PDF form. I have more and more still open in my mind. Trying to relegate some to separate windows so I don’t have to see them see them see them see them so much so all the time. This coarse ground stone ground coffee has proved my doubts incorrect, as evidenced by my greyhound dashing heart and even somewhat slipstream mind. Good, because I need speed. I need speedy thoughts, but I can feel it rushing my anxiety as well, pushing it all suddenly urgent against my chest. As far as prices go that is one I’ll gladly pay, because such chest pains sit lightly upon me, born lighter and lighter with long practice. Feeling slow and feeling sleepy is at this time unacceptable. I’ve promises and miles and you know. you probably know.

Mary Gay

***internal screams*** I had to borrow **a lot** of money from my parents because the company that bought out the company I’ve been working for has a fucking 30 day hold policy on all payments. So… like… the fucking $900 worth of work I did this week… which would have been totally enough to cover all of my rent and bills with a little left over… I won’t fucking see until November 2nd. Which… sucks… so…fucking…bad. Haha whoops, I just slipped away for a moment and started thinking about everything bad I’ve ever done in my entire life… haha… awesome. Anyway, yeah. whatever. I’ve got three more guides to write before I can go to sleep, and then 10 more to do tomorrow, and basically just…. I have to make enough to pay back my parents for this month’s rent plus enough for next month’s rent, plus enough for fucking December’s fucking rent before the 5th of next month. Soooo the moral of the story is I have to write my  goddamn ass off and my soul just has to fucking deal with it. If I could make 3 grand this month that would basically be enough. I’ll be up to a grand by the end of the night. *hysterical laughter* Like… if I get enough assignments, I can do it… but it’s a matter of whether or not I will get enough assignments, you know what I mean? yeah. I guess we’ll see. Haven’t heard anything about the trial I did yesterday… so… maybe I fucked it up, I dunno. There’s still 700 of these guides in the pool, but it’ll be down to 600 or 550 by tomorrow is my guess, and then once it gets down below 300 they basically fly out of the pool because we’re all competing with each other to see who can get them done first and get. that. paper. *deep breaths* my life is weird and the stuff I do for money is weird and I’m so tired. Okay, I have to go now, bye. (oh, also, one of the ballrooms at one of the venues I was writing about (I don’t fucking remember which one dude I’ve done 47 of them in a week) was named “Mary Gay” and I thought that would be the most hilarious place ever to have a gay wedding. Like… it would be a pretty swell place to marry gay. )

Actually, naw. I decided not to end this entry like that, because tonight my family celebrated Rosh Hashanah and it was nice and good. We were all there together, and we all ate food and drank wine and laughed about stuff and talked about stuff and hung out together and it was good. I am lucky that I get to have that. okay, bye.

shambling disaster shack

Today is a different day. They finally turned our air conditioner on, but we have to leave the house for a couple hours before activating it because it blows TONS of dust and dirt around when you first turn it on. We’ll turn it on in a couple hours when we go to the gym. So that’s cool I guess, cool in the way that it’s been roasting as fuck in our apartment so it’ll be nice to have some AC. Less cool in the way that my electricity bill for the past few months has been literally $30, and it’s gunna shoot up to like $100 when we start using the AC. yeah. yeah. up. yeah. stuff. yeah. things. yeah. words. yeah. deeds, yeah. How am I doing today? that’s one of the great mysteries of life, that is. I need money and I need work and I need motivation to be doing all the things. yeah. Instead it sounds pretty rad to sleep for like 18 hours straight?? maybe?? or so?? Sunday is mother’s day, which is a thing. It’s like a week after my mom’s birthday so that’s kinda weird and funny. My brother and I traditionally just get her some plants or flowers (last year we got her a tree, which is doing really well and looks pretty awesome) and then we help her do yard work all day basically. It’s not so bad. It’s even kinda fun usually. Right now I need to call them and ask for $85 because I suck at being an adult and having enough money to pay all of my bills myself. haha. nice. My little brother is better at it than me, which is really annoying. Although, to be fair, he lucked into his (chill, well paying) job just by knowing the guy who owns the business. He’s literally never had to work a shitty, thankless job his entire life (well actually he was a bellhop for literally one week one time and then he immediately quit) I dunno what I’m getting at with this really. I’m happy for him and he seems genuinely content most of the time and that’s super rad… but I guess I’m jealous of that stability and of  his having a cool job that he doesn’t hate. yeah. whatever. boo fucking hoo right? Okay, I’m gunna go change out of the bizarre, dangling monstrosity of a shirt I’ve been wearing all day, into something suitable for the outside world, and then I’m going to walk around the apartment complex and make that call. -sighs for a thousand years- yeah. cool. Then I’m gunna come back inside, and eat a snack, and pump myself full of coffee until I feel like a human instead of a shambling disaster shack… and then it’s gym time yo.

True facts about my life

The more I think about my relationship with my body, and my relationship with ~food~ the more I realize how fucked up it all is and always has been. Fucked up. Mentally and physically unhealthy, confusing, painful. I find myself terrified of how easily I could lose the progress that I’ve made. How easily it could be undone. Progress that is still so insignificant compared to what I want… but it’s mine and it’s true and it’s a good start and it’s something. It would be so easy to backslide and I can feel it trying to happen and I’m using a stupidly huge amount of my willpower to stop it. A stupidly huge amount of my self  devoted to stopping it, to pushing past yet another dumb hurdle my mind throws up, and to keep going. The defense mechanisms in my body that want to keep it are starting to scream in protest and I can’t explain it to them So I just have to override it. It’s a fire I have to keep lit all the time on the back burner. An awareness I have to keep at the back of my mind at all times, and usually that’s fine. Usually that’s enough, and it’s fine. But sometimes it’s not enough and I have to just concentrate. Just sit there in my head and repeat what I want, and why. Tell myself to be strong, that I can do it, that it’s working. Remind myself how much better I already feel. And if I seem far gone, that’s the truth about where I am. (({i’msorry})).

I haven’t heard anything about the writing trial I did a few days ago so I’m assuming I didn’t get that. Whatever. Haven’t heard from the client I was just working for either… and they paid me $60 less than I actually earned. Haven’t heard from my main client either. So….. nothing all around, and I have a little bit of money but it’s only a little. I need new work soon and I hope it happens. I emailed the relevant department yesterday asking about my grad school application, if anyone knew what the deal was. This is the vague and confusing response I got:

Dear (me):

While I do not know the status of your particular application, you should be hearing from the program by tomorrow, April 15th.

Best,

(literally not signed at all by anyone)

Sooooo like what the hell does that mean? Are they going to email me by tomorrow? Am I supposed to get my letter by tomorrow? What’s the d-d-d-deal yo? What am I supposed to do with that information? I guess wait until tomorrow… and see what happens. I’ve got a variety of plans for tomorrow. I would like to go to the library’s $5 per bag used book sale, because I hella want a bag of books for $5. But we’ll see if I can make that happen… or if there’s even anything I really want. Then in the evening we’re going to a rocky horror themed belly dance show, which sounds hilarious and I really couldn’t miss it because I love me some rocky horror. Yeah. okay. okay. yeah. This turned into something really long that probably no one is going to read, but that’s okay. I’m gunna go row. I’ve got this.

legos are for everyone yo.

So here we are again, same position I was in last night except secretly actually a little worse because I have more to do and less time. I can’t not procrastinate if I don’t have an immediate looming deadline. … but it’s looming pretty hard right now. I’m going to be awake forever. Like seriously we’re talking all freaking night…. hopefully 4 hours of sleep before immediately more work. Oh well. oh well. I’ll do what I gotta do. It’ll be over after tomorrow and I don’t know what I’ll do then. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. But like… those are problems for later style me, I suppose. Right now me has only one problem to deal with, and that’s finishing this work. I took a rowing machine break that ended up taking forever and now I’m here lol. -shrugs forever, off into the sunset- Okay… I gotta kick it into gear. Gunna fuckin’ hyper power through these fucking things. Like blow through them like that one episode of mythbusters where they put that ramming thing on their huge truck and plowed through a huge row of cars. Yeah, that’s gunna be me… except … I’m the truck and the cars are product descriptions. A bunch of them have been for toys and it keeps trying to get me to confirm if the toy is for a boy or a girl, but I wrote that every single one was unisex. FIGHT ME.