and nothing but the truth

Jury duty got real today. I volunteered to be the foreperson because they were trying to make a (stupid) old lady do it, and she didn’t want to so I volunteered. I swore people in and talked to criminals and lead the discussion and swayed the vote with my cold logic again and again.  It was one of the most emotionally exhausting days of my life, honestly. 9 hours of the bottom of the barrel of humanity. From drunk mistakes to purposeful violence to true horrors. All for me to see and hear and know. And today to lead others through. My voice all staying strong as I’m reading counts that turn my stomach.  I don’t know what else I’m trying to say. I don’t know what else to say at all. It’s all too much and I’m so tired and overwhelmed and I haven’t slept properly in a long while. Self care is lots of different things. It’s a long shower, it’s letting yourself cry, it’s deciding you need to be done working even if you haven’t reached your goal. It’s successfully changing out your nose ring for a cute little stud. It’s drinking 32oz of beer while watching a fun and scary tv show. It’s putting your computer away now.

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concerto grosso

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So, I got to go see Coheed and Cambria today. One of my teenage style faves, still like them (obviously lol) I sort of forgot that it was today, and then I decided I wanted to go like… super last minute. Then I almost didn’t get to go because I only have $14 in my bank account, and the tickets were $30 cash only. But my S.O figured out a way to make it happen for me, which was really super awesome. Concerts are good for my heart soul. My spirit guts. It was a really good show, they played some songs I didn’t really recognize, but they also played a lot of my faves. I just… love the atmosphere of such an event. The chaos, the camaraderie, all of the body language talking and reading that everyone is doing without even really being aware of it. I threw myself into the middle of it. The pit grew and shrank like a breathing beast, and I just flowed with it. Sometimes right in the middle, strangers bodies all slamming into me and the ring pushing us back into the middle, back into each other. Sometimes on the edge, doing the pushing. Always picking people up if they fall. Always screaming and clapping and giving high fives. I took a few pictures but I always try not to have my phone out for more than a few seconds. (I mainly took pics during songs I wasn’t super into.)

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Claudio (that’s the lead singer’s name) totally fucking shredded on that two neck guitar for a couple songs, which was impressive. Also, his hair was impressive. His voice has that same strange and unique quality that makes their music stand out. I wasn’t sure if it would be as pronounced live, but it was. (Actually, honestly, I think I might have seen them live once before??? But I don’t remember for sure???? I used to go to a **lot** of concerts and they all kinda blend together in my memory. Sooo since I don’t remember for sure I’m just going to say this was my first time seeing them live.) So, yeah. My feet got stepped on a million times, I’m for sure going to have a bruise on one of my shins, and both of my arms feel suuuuuper fucking tender. I imagine I’ll find other sore spots tomorrow. (maybe I should drink an aspirin) And that’s definitely partially the point for me. It’s… good. It’s unique. I don’t even register pain in the moment, it’s all just adrenaline and keeping my balance and protecting my face. It’s alive and it’s happening and I’m alive.

Ragtime gal

Haha I’m so fucking funny, and clever, and good at jokes. I want to eat a chocolate mountain, and then strangle someone with my bare hands and watch the life fade from their eyes. That sounds rad. That sounds skippidy doo. I can’t believe 250 people follow this meaningless nothing blog. I mean… like… good for you guys, you know? Good for you. I hope you’re having fun. The other day (like a week ago I guess?) My brother and I were driving to our parents house for my mom’s birthday and we saw this bumper sticker that said “Mary Kay: Enriching Women’s Lives” and my brother went OFF. he was like “Ha. yeah right. enriching women’s lives. More like making women feel pressured to live up to the arbitrary and totally unrealistic beauty standards set by men. Making them feel like they aren’t good enough and they need to buy a bunch of shit to alter themselves.” and I was like… really surprised. Like  daaaamn bro, that was a really good and true feminist rant you just busted out. So yeah, I was pretty proud of him and I think his girlfriend is a good influence on him. I dunno what else I was going to say. We definitely need to practice more this weekend cuz the KSD show is in like 22 days, which is not very long at all. Also I need to get my friends to buy tickets and go to the show so I can have more moral support… and also so I can not look like a **completely** friendless loser who doesn’t have anyone who would want to support me. yeah. Let’s see… what else? Oh yeah, they turned on our air conditioning, I think I talked about that? but now it just feels like it’s blowing 90% hot air… which is pretty unfortunate. **also** I’m pretty sure they didn’t fully secure one of the panels back on, because it’s really windy today and the wind is creating a very loud, repetitive slamming noise coming from the air conditioner. Sooooo that’s fun. We called maintenance but they probably won’t be able to do anything ’till monday at the earliest so … whatever. this is a thing now I guess. Fun times, in the summer in the city. I feel very bad in my body insides and my soul gut insides. niccccce. Don’t really know how to deal. Like I’m sooooooo restless but too ouch-tacular to actually go out and do anything? Also i have 0 monies and doing things requires many monies. So! I guess I’ll just stay in, and be serenaded by the sounds of howling wind and a  slamming AC panel.

The numb that comes with failure

When you know you officially fucked up an opportunity and it’s over and it’s over and there’s nothing you can do. It feels calm and fine and hey, I think there’s a wave of tears back there. Huh. Oh yeah, you’re right. Wonder if it’s gonna reach me. Break over me, or roll and roll and roll. I wasted a week of my life. A weak weak week I could and should have spent looking for other means of income. I don’t know if that bothers me more or less than the failure itself. I’m not supposed to fail, that isn’t my thing. I have a BA and can’t even get a job that pays $12 an hour. Maybe I would find that bitterly hilarious if I were feeling things. I think it’s mostly aimlessness and uselessness I feel, behind the numbness. Two weeks from Friday the rent is due. I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Pennies to my name and no way to find more. Hopes as substantial as ghosts. Ideas as good as half burnt toast. Tomorrow (later today) I will drag my sad flesh prison to the gym, because it is a promise from me to me. And I’m sorry I’m so sorry for this weak willed week. Hey, me, I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me and we can find a way to move forward. For now I’m going to sit alone downstairs for a while and listen to music and chew on a piece of plastic. I’m also going to re-read all of Sunstone, because I saw it mentioned on tumblr and I love it and i find it somehow comforting and it makes me feel something at least.

Other things…

I applied for a bunch of freelance style jobs today, but I’m not super confident that any of them are legit, or that they’ll come through. I’m going to try more tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It’s fucking draining and I hate doing it. I really hate doing it. I can feel my soul dying as I’m tweaking my resume to better suit each thing I’m applying for. It was a beautiful rainy day and I went to the gym, but I forgot my headphones. I feel 1,000 ties more self-conscious, and 1,000 times less pumped up without them, so I made it a short one. I just did a mile instead of a mile and a half, and then a couple arm machines. We didn’t go to my parents house to carve pumpkins, which is usually the tradition, but stuff happened and it just fell through. I feel kinda sad about it tbh. empty, strange. (but to be fair, I was already feeling that way… sooo….) I got a pomegranate at least, which is part of the tradition. I’m going to call them tomorrow. We might order my new phone. I don’t know what else is going to happen tomorrow. I might stop by my brother and his girlfriend’s evening get-together, and hang out with all their beautiful dancer friends and feel like a giant weird potato, and use humor as a defense mechanism, and awkwardly follow my brother around because I suck at parties. (I made that sound **super** fun didn’t I??!) Also I have to dress up as something, and I don’t really have anything. (haha I could wear my fox ears I guess?? haha) So whatever. We’ll see. I’m going to play it how it plays, lay it how it lays. Just try and do my best. I’m not going to lie it’s been fucking hard. It’s been trying and confusing and unsettling and just fucking hard.

*withdraws from the world with a soft shirring sound*

I feel rocks, and logs lodged and heavy bricks. Shhhhhh. My snake is shedding for the first time since I’ve had her, and I feel so bad for her. I can tell she feels mad uncomfortable and vulnerable. Keeping the humidity up, and I haven’t tried to feed her cuz she’s all blued out and I don’t think she’ll take it. She just hides and I miss her and I hope it’s over soon.

Man I fucked up my feet really fucking bad the other day. Took a real long fucking walk in high ass shoes. Got mad blisters and raw skin and near fucking heat stroke and fuck everything and fuck me for not being remotely comfortable wearing shorts, so i wear long hot pants and fucking suffer and feel I full well deserve to suffer since I can’t get my fucking body remotely in order enough to feel comfortable in shorts.

Awesome. High five. I feel I feel I feel the fucking eyes. I feel like my body invalidates any of my accomplishments. Man, oh man oh man oh man I really shouldn’t speak with this much fucking honesty. I really shouldn’t write these words explicitly. Just stay and hide and no don’t let them see.

Whatever. Fucking hissssss. Haaaaaaaaaa hiiissssssssss fight me. exhale a certain way that voices your displeasure.
Try to avoid nightmares beyond measure.

Please thoughts please please stop. Let me sleep and eyelids drop