Other things…

I applied for a bunch of freelance style jobs today, but I’m not super confident that any of them are legit, or that they’ll come through. I’m going to try more tomorrow and the next day and the next day. It’s fucking draining and I hate doing it. I really hate doing it. I can feel my soul dying as I’m tweaking my resume to better suit each thing I’m applying for. It was a beautiful rainy day and I went to the gym, but I forgot my headphones. I feel 1,000 ties more self-conscious, and 1,000 times less pumped up without them, so I made it a short one. I just did a mile instead of a mile and a half, and then a couple arm machines. We didn’t go to my parents house to carve pumpkins, which is usually the tradition, but stuff happened and it just fell through. I feel kinda sad about it tbh. empty, strange. (but to be fair, I was already feeling that way… sooo….) I got a pomegranate at least, which is part of the tradition. I’m going to call them tomorrow. We might order my new phone. I don’t know what else is going to happen tomorrow. I might stop by my brother and his girlfriend’s evening get-together, and hang out with all their beautiful dancer friends and feel like a giant weird potato, and use humor as a defense mechanism, and awkwardly follow my brother around because I suck at parties. (I made that sound **super** fun didn’t I??!) Also I have to dress up as something, and I don’t really have anything. (haha I could wear my fox ears I guess?? haha) So whatever. We’ll see. I’m going to play it how it plays, lay it how it lays. Just try and do my best. I’m not going to lie it’s been fucking hard. It’s been trying and confusing and unsettling and just fucking hard.

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writing

about things I don’t care about. Writing about things that mean nothing to me and I hate them and they are boring. Doubting every word I put down because of how much she found wrong in my last one. It was so much. I really didn’t think she was going to hire me but she did. Now I feel slightly paralyzed by that responsibility. Doubting myself with every word. Too repetitive? Too derivative? I had a feeling for nearly a week now that our Halloween plans wouldn’t work out. Too much drama on their end. It’s okay but it’s still slightly disappointing. I want to go to a really fun gay Halloween party or something…. except maybe I don’t really, I dunno. So now it looks like it’s just the two of us, which is okay. We could go to a graveyard or walk through old town or just watch terrible horror movies while drinking, or something. I’m going to do my best to make it fun. Okay, I really need to get back to work and finish this article. Actually it’s not even an article. It’s a “buying guide”. A 900 word buying guide about buying accessories for your ID badge. I’m not even shitting you I’m getting paid $40 to write this. This is seriously my life right now.