weary and wary. Both my freelance projects are done for the moment, and that’s what I would usually be doing right now… so I feel a little weird actually. There is a lot of school stuff I could be taking care of, but I’m currently not. I looked over all of it and it’ll be fine. I’ll do my film class first round on Thursday or Friday and my information literacy stuff Friday or Saturday, and my intro to grad stuff Saturday or Sunday and my film class second round stuff Sunday or monday, and my “ways of knowing” stuff Monday or tuesday or wednesday or whatever. It’s fine. It’ll probably be fine. So far I’m keeping up with school. I’m pretty much not nervous about my tour guide stuff anymore. I ended up not having to present yesterday, which was annoying because I stressed myself the fuck out about it so much. Instead I saw the boss lady do *her* version of the tour last night and… holy shit… let’s just say… I’m not nervous about showing her my presentation anymore. My rival still sucks and I still hate him, but he’s not going to be doing ghost tours in October at all. He’s going to be an assistant still through the whole month. Soooo ha. take that bro. Except he’ll probably assist for me sometimes, and I’m suuuper not looking forward to that. ALSO, apparently one of the full assistants (like… my favorite one) got fired for some reason. She’d been there for like 4 years, no idea what happened there… but she’s gone. That kinda sucks IMHO. I feel like they need to hire more **just assistants** but whatever. I just don’t wanna get stuck assisting basically. I’m over that assistant life. I ordered all of my equipment. I’m a little skeptical about the voice amp I picked out, but if it sucks I can probably return it in time to get another one by Monday. yeah. whateva. Tomorrow is Rosh Hoshanah, and we’re going over to my parents’ house for that. Probably guna do laundry too and whatever. As far as my personal style life and my heart soul stuff, I’m not sure how I’m doing tbh. Sometimes it seems real good. Real Good. And then other times I feel … heartsore and soulweary, and I can’t shut up the little voice that just whispers you’re not enough you’re not enough you’re not enough And I know that’s not really true. I know it’s … a lot more complicated than that. A lot more nuanced than that. But even so, even still, I can’t always (you’re not enough) logic my way out of it. It’s feelings and chemicals and visceral gut checks. And I’m tired. I’m pushing myself hard in a lot of different directions. Trying to balance, trying to find balance. Maybe I should try and sleep now. (Or maybe I’ll just watch vet ranch on YouTube and cry cuz I have built up emotions lol)
The S.O. “What are you doing?”
Me: “Looking into online sex work”
The S.O “Oh, okay.”
h-h-h-hey there kids. I kinda am vaguely looking into online sex work… of the text chat / phone sex / virtual avatar sex variety. Because I have literally no money at all at all at all and haha yeah. I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff so I could probably do it. And like…. I dunno. whatever. It’s just a random thought like the tons of other random thoughts I have about how I can make money. Honestly, would it be much worse than selling my writing to soul killing corporations? I dunno. I dunno.
Animal crackers are delicious and I want to eat a million of them but I will not do that thing.
I just remembered I had a random $16 in my odesk account so I transfered that shit. wooooo. whoopty shittin’ do. I’ll get that in like 5 days. Lucky lucky me.
I’m at my parents house, watching the dogs and stuff. I wanted to go to the Bernie Sanders rally downtown, but like… I didn’t feel like driving all the way back there and then walking down there and then having to come all the way back here to watch the dogs tonight as well. Soooo I decided not to go, and I’m slightly sad about it but also it’s like… whatever, you know?
Our show is coming up really really soon. Like a week from tomorrow. Tomorrow night my brother and I are planning on a special type of rehearsal, where we drink alcohol while practicing to find the perfect balance of how intoxicated we can be while still managing to preform well. haha. yeah. So that’s a thing that’s going to happen. Also, I need to figure out my costume. I think I’m going to need to buy at least the hat online, but I haven’t done it yet. I should measure my head lol.
Last night we spent a long time at our friends house, and it was actually really cool. They have a terrible fucking dog who hates me and would literally attack me if they didn’t keep her on a leash so it’s like… not fun for me to be at their house really at all. yeah. But this time she was asleep, locked in their bedroom… so it was actually really fun to be there and I could wander around freely in their house and it was nice. Fuck that dog. Worst dog ever. Anyway, I’m pretty sure they are going to come to my show. They said that they would, which is cool. I’ll be glad to have a couple more of my people there amidst a crowd of strangers and belly dance people.
In a couple hours we’re going to take the dogs for a walk in the bosque, and if we time it right we might see hundreds of crows coming to roost in the trees for the night. We will hear them calling warning calls about us and our dogs.
For right now times I might to try and lie down for a while. I’m really tired and slept so poorly last night. I never sleep well here. I wake and feel confused and weird and ugh. yeah. It’s not comfortable. But it’s okay. It’s still nice to be here sometimes, It’s a bit of a break from our normal style life.