Nightmares and nap-mares all in and over me. Things that break my heart, and myself just screaming until my voice gives out. It carries into the waking day. How can i ever feel… Like I’m enough? How can i make myself feel like I’m whole and complete and enough? Smoke, and the sparkling crackle of not quite dry things burning. Watching rows and rows of stubborn weeds bow and shrink before the flame. Shrink into nothing but ash. Good. Die. Victory in a battle I’ve fought for months. I need real work. I need real money. I don’t t want to lead tours anymore. Time to sleep. Dreams, please, be gentle with me.
Just wanna cry, i don’t know how to spark excitement in your eyes. If not for me or us or home i dunno. I’ll try. Fuck I’ve been trained up by society. Still always tryna unprogram that shit inside me. Learn to say, full, what i do or don’t need. Find a way to avoid the aquarium of my dreams. Sleep, sleep on my leg. for a moment, all is safe in that mutagenic space. Charged with hope and holes and hate. Who am I? Who have i ever been? A shaken fighter in a ring with no clear rim.
It’s Christmas. A lot of stuff has been happening… Like… A lot. I got my Master’s degree. Officially. We *might* be getting a fucking house, like for real. *Knock on wood* and my brother and i finished our five song EP. We’re going to be giving it to our parents in the morning, as a gift. For this reason, I’m more nervous and excited about Christmas morning than i have been since i was a literal child. I’m definitely nervous, but also, so excited. I just hope it goes well. I hope all of this goes well. *Knock on wood* I’m gonna try and sleep now i guess, even though that seems impossible. We’ll see. Peace.
It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
First day of fall. This time last year i was a ghost apprentice still, but only for another week or so. It was my first semester in grad school. Now it’s my last and I’m getting ready to sacrifice another October to this stupid job. I’m so used to it, it’s been a year, but sometimes it still hits me, how fucking weird it is. Here i am, telling ghost stories to 18 strangers. Performing and public speaking and lecturing somehow all at once. Here i fucking am. I wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Rule Following Pretentious Lady asked me today if i was done with school, because she had heard i was closer, and that i was doing a lot of stuff. I was like… No, it’s my last semester, I’m writing my dissertation and i have to take two fucking comprehensive exams. So they talk about me, that’s true. I have the first little section of my dissertation due in less than a week, that’s true. I had an excellent weekend and i didn’t want it to end, that’s true. I should sleep now. Peace.
My hands smell like leather
I should be asleep i should be asleep i should be asleep
A fucking rough day. I can’t believe i forgot to pay that shit. I was so sure i had already done it. Such a stupid fucking bullshit mistake that could end up costing me $65, and has already cost me a lot of energy.
I should be asleep
I like couldn’t stop crying, for hours. Everything was just hitting me, all at once, triggered by this but just… Everything. All the things i carry, all the shit i feel and fear. All the things that aren’t the way i want them to be.
So I did all the chores that needed to get done, and I drove to my brother’s house, where he lives now, so we could take a walk together. It was a pretty nice walk. I wrote part of a song on the drive home. I got to see the study guide for my comprehensive exam. It’s a little intimidating but i think doable. Also it actually starts at 7am and not 8 … Cuz of the time difference.
I have a bunch of stuff i need to take care of tomorrow, including dealing with aforementioned bullshit, trying to fix up my car, gathering supplies, and packing. I could definitely use a little break.
I should be asleep. (Peace)