Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop. Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P.
Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.
I still don’t have a shirt for my new weird side job. I decided I like Santa Charlie. I mostly feel good when I’m there. Met another tour guide who I really liked, and a painfully shy assistant. I did half of the actual assistant duties today, for a lady tour guide, and it was interesting. Easy really, though the guy I’m training with still managed to fuck it up and shine his flashlight in the guide’s eyes a bunch of times. It’s just waiting and paying attention and (tbh) serving. I dash ahead of the group, alone in the dark. I pull a breeze block from around the corner and set up a DVD player on top of it. Sound cord plugged in, correct video selected, remote in place. And then out of the way as they round the corner, because I’m not supposed to draw attention to myself. She finishes her story and plays the video and then leads the tour on. She grabs the DVD player because she needs it right away to show a picture. She leaves the remote and sound cord, letting them fall to the ground next to her lantern. I’m caught off guard but I gather everything and follow. And because I’m myself, her indolent disregard and assumption that I would take care of it makes me feel some type of way. I follow, putting the bits of tech in the bag slung over my shoulder, holding the lantern. I wait and watch as she speaks, half hidden behind a tree (behind The Murder Tree actually) and for a weird little second I feel like the 18th century servant from the story she’s telling. How odd and parallel. But I’m not gut shot by a spurned ex lover. I don’t collapse against the tree and die. I don’t fill the air with my restless spirit. I wait, and watch, and when her body language tells me she’s ready I step out from behind the tree, taking the player from her and placing the lantern at her feet. “Thank you dear” she says, and because I’m myself I feel some type of way.
Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing) Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!
(=’ :’ )
Obsess over your past work
memorize it word and rote
And then write it again
By accident one night
Thinking you’re so clever bright
Until you read it back out loud
And hear the same straw men
You burned before
Death rattle on your kitchen floor
My bounding dear
My soul soil light
Kept pressed in tight
Hey, so, since I last wrote on here I went on a whole ass trip and came back. I just remembered that I originally made this wordpress account on the last family reunion trip, because I needed somewhere to write about stuff. This time I literally didn’t open up my laptop once the entire time I was there. Barely looked at my phone either really. I just existed, and lived, and did stuff. I didn’t even really take that many pictures, but I took a few, so I suppose I can go ahead and post them here. Basically my whole extended family on my mom’s side (21 of us in total) all stayed together in a mansion style house. It looked like this:
And there was enough space so that the S.O and I had our own private room and bathroom, which was rad. (The window on the far left side, 2nd floor with that little walk off balcony railing was for our room.) It was basically located in like… this whole weird subdivision just filled with these mansions that people rent out. It was kinda a facade basically. It looked really nice but it was only surface deep. There was no soundproofing, the curtains were purely decorative and not functional at all, the towels were scratchy and terrible, stuff like that. Still, it was alright. It was nicer than where we stayed last time. It had its own private pool with squirty fountain things and (that had LED lights at night, it was rad)
And the hot tub was only hot sometimes, but it was nice. I swam every day I was there but one. That’s where the most “family reunion-ing” took place really, everyone just hanging around in the pool and hot tub. It was really nice and kinda makes me wish I had a pool (and someone to take care of my pool for me so it’s always nice) The garage was converted into a private theater, which was also pretty rad.
(it was significantly cooler when something other than Live Action scooby doo was playing, but you get the idea) One of the days, like the first day we actually did anything, we went to see a rocket carrying a satellite get launched into space. We were pretty far away, but we could still see it, and we could hear and feel the rumbling. It was interesting. Here is a picture of the crazy looking curly contrail it left:
Wooosh, off into space mothafuckaaaas. That same day was the only day we really ended up at the beach. Our place was a lot further from the beach than I thought it would be, like an hour away basically, so we didn’t really get the chance to go again. But, that’s okay I suppose. I got to touch the ocean, and it was warm like a salty salty bath.
For three of the days we were there we went to theme parks. It was like… just my nuclear family going together and other groups of people went too but we like hardly saw them and it was kinda weird. Anyway, we went to: Disney Magic Kingdom, (least fave. very hot. very lines. rides were not that cool. We got stuck on Haunted Mansion. I did not take any pics.) Epcot, (Liked it more than I thought I would. Walked all around the little world place which was fun. spent forever in Japan. did a couple rides. Didn’t take any pics.) and Universal. (Favorite. very fun. Small enough that it was easy to walk around the whole thing, lots of very fun rides including The Mummy(A+) and Transformers and also a giant roller coaster that I almost didn’t ride, but i’m glad I did because it was very cool (and my dad said he thought i was brave lol) Overall, very short lines. Did take pictures… because it also had motherfucking Harry Potter World… which was rad. Drank butterbeer, (regular and frozen. Frozen was waaay better even tho it’s not “cannon”lol) rode “Escape from Gringotts”, took this picture:
And also this picture:
Did not buy a wand, because the cheapest one was $44 and let’s face it, it’s basically just a stick. Still, overall we had a very fun time.)
The last day of the trip everyone basically hang out around the place, we managed to get like 10 people organized enough to all watch a movie together, and we swam and chilled. The flights to and from were both direct, which was rad. Now I’m home and the whole thing feels sora… surreal. So, I’m taking today to gather my brain and gather myself, and then tomorrow I have to go about actually doing things and getting my shit together. Sooooo yeah! That’s what I’ve been doing and what’s basically been happening with me. Okay, I’m out. peace.
Hey, it’s been a minute, hu? I have like a couple abandoned drunken poems that I started and then couldn’t think of a next line or whatever so I abandoned them, so yeah. that’s whatever. I’m working on personal projects because a long boring story of a thing happened that made me suddenly feel… incredibly discontent with not getting credit for my own work. It’s different if I’m just writing content for a website, and no one is getting credit for it and it’s just credited to the website itself. That’s like… I can live with that. But dude I found an article I ghost wrote for $11 and the person taking credit for it was the VP of Marketing of a huge fucking company. Like she has got to have a fucking 6 figure salary at least and she’s fucking taking credit for my work. Acting like an expert in her field with the help of words I wrote for $11. Bro. Dude. Dude. Bro. For some reason that like… killed my soul guts. SO I’ve been working on two personal projects, one fairly short one novel long. I’m more or less 10% done with both. We’re going on a fucking trip in like 10 days (9 days now I suppose omfg) and I’m like… I’ve got a bunch of shit I needa take care of and get in order before then and I’m getting freaked out about it kinda. But … hopefully I can do it all and it will be okay. I’m not going to think about it anymore right now. I got a lot of exercise today and it was very nice. I went to the gym and then like 20 seconds after I got home my brother texted me and asked if I wanted to go ride razor scooters around the university. I was like… sure, let’s do it. And it was honestly so fun. He brought his dog and his dog ran and we scooted and it’s good exercise, seriously. There were quite a few people around but they were all amused by us and the tiny dog and our scooting around scoot scoot scoot. I kept going ahead and making the dog chase me, thus pulling my brother’s scooter. Ugh, it’s so late and I’m having so many feelings. I’m currently listening to a pretty weird new album my one of my all time faves, I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Okay, I promised myself I would do at least some work on my other project, so I’m going to go do that, and then I’m going to try and sleep I suppose. Peace.