Playlist #0 : History Mystery edition

I like to think I’ll live my life differently when this is over, when we can go in public again and be around other people. I’ll actually join the clubs and sports and martial arts classes that I always wanted to try but always told myself I’d do later, someday, when I had more time,w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶. I’ll travel even if it’s just a short and pointless trip, just for the sake of doing it, of being somewhere. I like to think that I’ll really do it, now, if I get to see the other side of this. But who knows, honestly.

  1. Dirt Poor Robins – Great Vacation

This is going to sound absolutely fucking psychotic, but there’s something that feels sort of nostalgic and comforting to me about being back in total lockdown quarantine. Nostalgic for the March / April version of me, making pillow forts and making the best out of it in a way that’s easy to do when it hasn’t been 8 months. Watching worried day by day as the numbers slowly ticked up to 1,000 total cases in the state. Pretty sure we’ve had a solid week of 2,000 cases per day at this point. Nostalgic for the version of me that thought a lockdown would take care of it, that it would only be a few weeks tops, and we’d be okay again. Nostalgic for that time I spent making a scarf and teaching the dog new tricks and watching fucking tiger king. It’s hard to explain, but I guess it feels like at least we’re trying something, you know? At least we’re being proactive again. We aren’t giving up when it sort of felt like we were. And maybe I’m fucking stupid for having some hope that it will make a difference, but maybe it will.

2. Barns Courtney – Sinners

Anyway, I’m working on my last project right now. It’s going okay but I need to do more. I keep going back and forth between feeling chill about it and feeling extremely stressed about it lol. It’s so weird to look through all of these old documents, and every time I find something new it’s just … wow. Amazing. I know what her sons did with their lives. I know when they died. Oh, also I keep forgetting that as a part of this project I have to come up with a pedagogical presentation and record it. It shouldn’t be too hard but I need to devote two hours to that minimum, maybe more like 3 or 4. Sometime before Sunday night.

3. Mother Mother – Cesspool of Love

I remembered to feed the snakes at least, so that’s one thing off my checklist. I’m annoyingly stressed about the whole dog spay thing, and having flashbacks of the first time I couldn’t get an appointment because of a lockdown. Full circle innit. I’ll try to call around tomorrow and see what I can see… but yeah, it’s stressing me out. That lady I talked to on the phone today stressed me out even more about it. Jeeeeze. Okay, back to work.

4. Sub Urban – Cirque

I’m actually making an outline for myself for how I want to handle the rest of this, because it’s really complicated. It’s already half written. The literary analysis part is already written (although I’m going to add a little bit to that as well) but I have to weave the history stuff into it in a way that makes sense, and flows well, and makes the picture as complete as it possibly could be. I think it’s gonna be good. I really hope.

5. Unlike Pluto – Stir Crazy

Alright, my outline is all set up, I have a good organizational system set up for once in my life, I have everything I need to get this done and do it well. So, for now I’m going to go to bed. I need some rest. peace.

Wavertree Hall

Hey kids, how’s it going? I honestly don’t know why the fuck I’m sitting here at my desk right now, typing shit, considering I’ve spent soooo much time here doing that recently, and I still have a long way to go by Sunday night. I think I’m taking the rest of the night off from working on my last paper, because my brain feels pretty shot, and I should try to get to sleep at a reasonable hour. Fuck, I need to feed the snakes, I keep forgetting. I’ll get it done tomorrow for sure. I’ll remember now because I wrote it here. Anyway, both of my lectures / class meetings for the semester are now officially over. Kinda bittersweet for the class that I really really like. You could see us all, sorta hesitant to part ways even though we didn’t have anything else to do, and we all had a lot of work ahead of us. Seriously, that Wednesday night class has been a bright spot in my week. But it’s okay. I have the same prof next semester, and a bunch of the same people in the class, and I think we’re going to be doing a similar type of research, which is cool because I’m officially obsessed with doing that type of research. Anyway the class tonight went really well. I shared some of the details I had found in my research and the prof got all excited and asked me a bunch of questions about it and asked to see the document I found and everything. It makes me feel good to be … really in it, you know? Also he’s literally the head of the department, the dude who accepted me into the program, and he’s awesome and it’s sweet to be on good terms with him / make myself a memorable student for career / letter of recommendation reasons. Anyway, today I finished and turned in my paper for the class that I don’t care about at all, and really don’t like the instructor of. (and I have to take another class with him next semester, and don’t want to but have to for my program). Anyway, that paper came out to be 45 fucking pages long. That’s long as fuck. That’s literally longer than my masters dissertation was. So that’s wild. Also I don’t even know if I’m going to get a good grade on it. I hope so, but like… he hasn’t graded any actual papers of mine yet so I don’t really know what to expect. We’ll see. I tried. I tried 45 pages worth. *switches to bouncy ball seat because I’m fucking restless as fuck* *constantly paranoid that it’s going to pop at any moment, scaring the shit out of me and causing me to absolutely eat it* The world is insane, my state is currently locked down again because of horrible, literally the worst we’ve ever had covid numbers. Like… astronomically worse than it’s ever been. So that’s scary, and also … bad. yeah. Anyway, I think I’m going to stop doing this and go do something else. That sounds appealing. Wear your fucking mask. Stay at home. Peace.

Relief and Re-stress

We won, election wise. I’m relieved. I’m very, extremely relieved. Even though there’s still so much work to be done, so so far to go, I’m relieved. It feels like a sliver of hope piercing its way through the nation, the world, all of us. I’ll take it. But my head is still too full, my cortisol levels too fucking high. I like losing myself in old documents about things that don’t matter anymore, but did matter a lot, to someone, at the time. Time is all it takes. I have so much work I have to do between now and this time next week. It should be okay, really, if I actually do some every day instead of procrastinating until the last possible second. That would honestly be a horrible decision. I probably have at least 30 pages of content to write, maybe significantly more. But hey, if I can average a page an hour that’s only 30 hours of work, so you know, could be worse. It’s going to happen and I’m going to get it done. I’ll try my best to deal with all the other thousand things that are stressing me out as well. I want a fun activity or art project or game or something to do tomorrow night. Maybe I’ll come up with something. Right now I’m going to go and do like 30 more minutes of work, and then try and sleep. Stay safe, wear your fucking mask. Peace.

Playlist #2020: Election limbo hell edition

This past week has been so fucking stressful. My poor little brain. Our poor little all of us. Everything that’s happening right now is so insane, I really don’t even know how to deal with any of it. I’m Not Having A Good Time, let’s just say that. jesus christ, I hope we get the results tomorrow. I hope these states swing blue and we can have a president who isn’t a science denying narcissistic failed reality TV host trying to play god king of the proud boys. That would be cool. That would be real fuckin’ cool. I would feel real good about that. The amount of raw, chaotic energy I’m currently feeling, however, is too much. So maybe I’ll round it up in some songs.

  1. Missio – Audi A4

I’m doing historical research and trying to track down some old old letters. I found the books that have them, but I can’t find a way to access those books currently. It’s frustrating and I have like a thousand tabs open in my browser, but at least it’s distracting me.

2. Barns Country – Glitter & Gold

I might try to do a live chat with a librarian tomorrow, because librarians have library magic that I just can’t match. I still sometimes think I shoulda gone that route, learned that magic. But I’m moving forward instead of sideways. It’s happening. I’m overwhelmed with the wealth of information available for this project. Like … legit it’s so much stuff it’s hard to know where to start, or what to do next, you know?

3. NF – The Search

Like, there’s definitely worse problems to have. (I would know, I have a lot of them) but it’s sort of paralyzing in a weird, specific way. I need to try and wrap up my ancestry stuff in the next few days tho, because I fully do not want to pay $50 for subscription after my trial ends. I wonder if it will let me use the rest of the trial if I cancel it now, or if it’ll be like … Naw son, history time is done. I’ll find out. Also maybe I can do another trial. We’ll see.

4. Grandson – Stigmata

Also the covid numbers in our state are suddenly way worse than they’ve ever fucking been. Like we legit need to go back to a full on lockdown right now. Everything needs to close the fuck back up. It makes me worry for my family. We’re doing everything we can to stay safe but it’s still scary. I’ve felt myself get more relaxed about it as it has become… just part of life… but I need to stay vigilant. Now more than ever.

5. Mother mother – Latter days

On that lovely, definitely relaxing note, I think I’m going to try and go to bed. I’ve been trying to not stay up so fucking late on the weekdays, unless I like have to for project reasons. It’s been mostly working. Tomorrow is national nachos day, so that’s a fun activity you can participate in at home. Stay safe everyone. Peace. Hope for the best. Blue states and Biden 2020

Cold

Should have just let my brother switch over the heater I guess. Would have probably been a good call. Instead I’m just chillin’ next to an annoying space heater and still not feeling exactly warm. I hate that it’s already Halloween this weekend, but that’s time baby. That’s time. Nov. 4th is the day I can register for classes. Going to try to get into another one with the head of the program if I can. Hopefully I can. The day after the election. Who the fuck knows what the world is going to look like on Nov. 4th. I’m legit going to stop myself from thinking about it right now. I’m going to write an abstract / proposal for the paper I’m writing and submit it for consideration for a virtual conference with the royal historical society. The theme of the conference is “discovery” so like … it could work. it could work. It would be dope for me career-wise to get in. So i’ll try, and we’ll see. I wanted to plan another October movie night but it’s already like … the 29th. So maybe not, aay? Unless we do it like literally today. That’d prolly be pushing it. I wish it wasn’t so easy for me to do nothing. I need to be doing research and writing things and moving my body way way more. So i’ll try, and we’ll see. Time for me to try and sleep. First I have to take the dog out into the cold. Go fucking vote for Biden if you haven’t already. Peace.

Predator

I’m definitely having a rough time right now. Like just personally, within myself I’m definitely having one of the most severe Depressive Episodes(tm) I’ve had like … ever. It’s largely related to the state of the world, the state of society, the state of America, I know. I know. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with. I’m trying my best to be chief moral officer for all the people I care about, and at the same time I’m like “Oh, i’m fine, it’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired. Also, I can’t sleep, I’m overeating and none of my old hobbies interest me.” Hard to say the right things. Hard to do the right things when I feel this way. Hard to fucking care about writing a bullshit paper that feels like it couldn’t possibly be any less important. Just … hard. It’s really fucking hard. But… my partner brought me thoughtfully picked wine and lovely roses as a surprise. And I really was surprised, and my fire-hardened heart cracked open just a little bit. Let some light in there, it’s getting musty. I have to go. Go vote for Biden if you haven’t already. Go early, go tomorrow if you can. It needs to be done, get it done. Peace.

sometimes quiet is violence

I hate sitting in silence when I’m alone. It feels like it’s pressing in on me, squeezing and charged with the horrifying nature of the void. So music, or, sometimes podcasts, or youtube videos that I listen to but don’t watch. No music right now because I’m trying to back-burner some lyrics. We voted today. That was good. Wanted to get it done as early as possible. There was still a huge line, but we just had to drop off our ballots so it wasn’t so bad. I was glad to see that many people coming out. That’s all I’m going to say about it right now. Over the next two days I have to deal with the landscaping in our front yard, because we got a notice from the city about it and I don’t want to get a fine. Sooo that’ll be fun for me. I love having a house so much, but there are things like this that I didn’t consider having to deal with. Gonna have to rake the leaves pretty soon too, they’re starting to fall. The biggest issue is going to be trying to fit all of the cut bush scraps into the garbage bin. Also I feel like I’m just going to wear a mask the whole time I’m doing it, partially because of bush related allergies, and partially because neighbors aaaalways come up and try to talk to me when I’m doing yardwork out front. Headphones, mask, sunglasses. Lookin’ mad unapproachable. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write this honestly. What the fuck do I even have to say? The world is messed up and I am sad. Plants are beautiful and I am sad. I’m trying to do my best on a lot of different fronts, but I still kinda feel like I’m failing. I’m trying to be the best partner and daughter and sister and friend and human that I can in this fucked up time, but I still feel like I’m not doing enough. Not strong enough. I know I tend to ignore my own emotional needs and That’s Bad. Whatever. Tomorrow is Thursday, the weekend is soon, I have a lot to do but I’m going to try and make the best of all of it. everything. I need to come up with some more scary movies to watch. Okay, I’m out. go vote. peace.

a thousand years of being told to shut her mouth

Really hard to make myself write about shit I don’t care about when I feel like I should be spitting bile. Like when you eat bad food and go to bed too drunk and late and you wake up a few hours later choking on your own stomach acid, you cough and it burns all the way up, even into your sinuses and nasal cavities. Your eyes water and you start to gag and everything burns. Except … like … emotionally.

30 minutes ’till my stupid class starts. I hate this class, it’s 3 hours of tedium and forced interactions. I can’t even properly multi-task and work on other stuff during it, because he always makes us do stupid fucking breakout groups, like holy shit dude, why are you making me waste my time like this? Literally no one wants to be doing this right now. We’re doctoral students, we’re supposed to just be reading boring books and writing boring papers, not doing group activities like goddamn primary school kids.

Anyway, I’m about to go get ready and then do it, because that’s what time it is, and I have to. I guess I just wanted to write this to clear my head a little bit. I dunno if it’s really working, but also, I guess, it doesn’t matter. Having very mixed feelings about not being on social media right now. Can’t stop myself from thinking about all the pain my life will contain, no matter what I do, no matter what happens. Selfish I suppose. I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things. Capable of knowing and feeling terrible things. It’s cool, no worries. That’s normal. Throwing myself into new and weird hobbies, that I don’t even really know if I 100% want the end result of, but it’s a diversion and deviation and it will be a sort of achievement if I succeed. Everything is boring, so why not? When is the vaccine going to be available? We have a new estimate on that? I want to be able to hug my family. Aaaaaaaaanyway, yeah. I’m going to try to get my brain to shut the fuck up and stop thinking about this stuff, and maybe I’ll be able to get at least a little bit of side work in order during this class. We’ll see. Time to go. Peace. vote. Biden 2020.

October

It’s officially the first of October. A dark and windy night. I spent all day writing a paper, and then attending a class, and then writing a paper some more. Having feelings is a complicated business, you know? I dunno if you really know. I don’t know if I really know, really. Anyway, whatever. I need to get some sleep, but before I go, here are my goals for October

  • Do inktober (but like… do it badly)
  • Watch as many scary movies and halloween themed shows as possible
  • Work on at least one scary story
  • Don’t procrastinate my school projects so much, spread that shit out
  • Host an outdoor movie night
  • Carve pumpkins
  • Take care of myself
  • Step on crunchy leaves
  • Go for a walk in the bosque
  • Decorate a little even tho no one but us will really see it
  • Have fun
  • (I might add more later, but this is a start)