It’s Christmas. A lot of stuff has been happening… Like… A lot. I got my Master’s degree. Officially. We *might* be getting a fucking house, like for real. *Knock on wood* and my brother and i finished our five song EP. We’re going to be giving it to our parents in the morning, as a gift. For this reason, I’m more nervous and excited about Christmas morning than i have been since i was a literal child. I’m definitely nervous, but also, so excited. I just hope it goes well. I hope all of this goes well. *Knock on wood* I’m gonna try and sleep now i guess, even though that seems impossible. We’ll see. Peace.
It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
First day of fall. This time last year i was a ghost apprentice still, but only for another week or so. It was my first semester in grad school. Now it’s my last and I’m getting ready to sacrifice another October to this stupid job. I’m so used to it, it’s been a year, but sometimes it still hits me, how fucking weird it is. Here i am, telling ghost stories to 18 strangers. Performing and public speaking and lecturing somehow all at once. Here i fucking am. I wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Rule Following Pretentious Lady asked me today if i was done with school, because she had heard i was closer, and that i was doing a lot of stuff. I was like… No, it’s my last semester, I’m writing my dissertation and i have to take two fucking comprehensive exams. So they talk about me, that’s true. I have the first little section of my dissertation due in less than a week, that’s true. I had an excellent weekend and i didn’t want it to end, that’s true. I should sleep now. Peace.
My hands smell like leather
I should be asleep i should be asleep i should be asleep
A fucking rough day. I can’t believe i forgot to pay that shit. I was so sure i had already done it. Such a stupid fucking bullshit mistake that could end up costing me $65, and has already cost me a lot of energy.
I should be asleep
I like couldn’t stop crying, for hours. Everything was just hitting me, all at once, triggered by this but just… Everything. All the things i carry, all the shit i feel and fear. All the things that aren’t the way i want them to be.
So I did all the chores that needed to get done, and I drove to my brother’s house, where he lives now, so we could take a walk together. It was a pretty nice walk. I wrote part of a song on the drive home. I got to see the study guide for my comprehensive exam. It’s a little intimidating but i think doable. Also it actually starts at 7am and not 8 … Cuz of the time difference.
I have a bunch of stuff i need to take care of tomorrow, including dealing with aforementioned bullshit, trying to fix up my car, gathering supplies, and packing. I could definitely use a little break.
I should be asleep. (Peace)
I’m listening to the new Murder By Death album, because I just bought tickets to see them on Friday, in a super amazing tiny venue that is also, itself, an immersive work of art, and one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I’m trying to see if I can manage to get a room for the night as well, so we can make a little overnight trip out of it, just chill, and relax, and not have to make the hour+ drive home at 11:30 at night. Buuut, I’m really poor, so we’ll see what happens. I’m excited about the show either way tho.
I managed to get my 3 possible topics for my dissertation turned in yesterday. I’m actually pretty happy with one of them, and I really hope my adviser approves that one, because it’s super unique and thought provoking and actually sort of interesting to me, and I seriously think it would be something that could be published in an academic journal if I can pull it off. My second choice topic is pretty okay, I guess. That was originally going to be my first choice but then I came up with a better one at the last minute, so that was cool. My third choice topic, like… I *could* write it, definitely, but it would be so fucking boring, and I don’t want to. (but I could).
I think I’m just going to re-work an old poem for my stupid CW class, because I have one that is almost exactly what the stupid professor (that I dislike more and more, basically every time he says anything) says he wants. I want to change it up a bit, but overall I think it’ll be fine. Two students submitted their poems already, and they were both pretty terrible, in two different ways, so there’s that. Still, he gave me a fucking 86% on my “poetry exercises” thing, which I think is fucking bullshit, considering it was a dumbass assignment that seemed super subjective and he took off points because I didn’t answer shit the exact way that he would have answered it. Like… okay buddy. Oh-fucking-kay. If I lose my 4.0 over a stupid goddamn creative writing class that I picked because I thought it would be easy and fun, I’m going to be so pissed.
I’m feeling super weird and anxious and pretty bad right now. Maybe just cuz of how weird today was, or because of how much work I have ahead of me, in so many different ways. Or maybe just because of my general feelings, in general. Idk. It’s 2:45am and I should probably be asleep.
I really fucking hope that the dudes remodeling the apartment actually take the day off, tomorrow, Sunday, because I’m fucking exhausted and it’s guna fucking suck if I get woken up by ridiculously loud pounding on the wall right above my head … again.
Last night really was very fun tho. We fucking stayed up until the sun came up, which we haven’t done in a long time. Listening to music and talking deeply and then it started to rain, heavy, with sky flare lightning and booming, rolling thunder. We stood outside for a long time, enjoying the absence of neighbors on both sides of us, going into the street and getting rained on and just… being there. It was nice. Alright, I need to try and sleep. peace.
I just left my brother’s apartment for probably the last time ever. Like… ever. I helped him finish cleaning it out and making it nice, and he has his walk-through tomorrow, to see if he gets his security deposit back, and then that’s it. I gave him his spare key back so he could give it to them. We mopped ourselves out, and left. (we also took advantage of the amazing, empty apartment acoustics to loudly and dramatically sing “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” in various musical genres)
A lot of fun, creative, hilarious, exciting, interesting, and melancholy things happened there. I am melancholy about his leaving, strangely sentimental. But it’s good. It’s really, really good. It’s time. Briefly, I find myself nearly overwhelmed with a feeling of excitement at the thought of getting a house. The thought of having a real kitchen to cook in, a real space to build a life. But I don’t want to get my hopes up, and I get scared, to let myself feel that level of happiness. It’s complicated. It’s complicated. It’s complicated.
I need to go to bed. I need to either find or figure out how to fucking get a new registration for my car, because that shit expires on Friday, and tomorrow is Tuesday. That’s definitely a stressful thought upon my brain.
I also have to come up with 3 possible dissertation topics by that day, and finish an annoying exercise for my other class, and apply for graduation. No word yet about whether or not I have to go to fucking Kansas to take my comprehensive exam. I e-mailed my professor about it again just now because she never got back to me the first time. Sooooooooo…….. we’ll see! Peace.