Playlist #0 : History Mystery edition

I like to think I’ll live my life differently when this is over, when we can go in public again and be around other people. I’ll actually join the clubs and sports and martial arts classes that I always wanted to try but always told myself I’d do later, someday, when I had more time,w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶. I’ll travel even if it’s just a short and pointless trip, just for the sake of doing it, of being somewhere. I like to think that I’ll really do it, now, if I get to see the other side of this. But who knows, honestly.

  1. Dirt Poor Robins – Great Vacation

This is going to sound absolutely fucking psychotic, but there’s something that feels sort of nostalgic and comforting to me about being back in total lockdown quarantine. Nostalgic for the March / April version of me, making pillow forts and making the best out of it in a way that’s easy to do when it hasn’t been 8 months. Watching worried day by day as the numbers slowly ticked up to 1,000 total cases in the state. Pretty sure we’ve had a solid week of 2,000 cases per day at this point. Nostalgic for the version of me that thought a lockdown would take care of it, that it would only be a few weeks tops, and we’d be okay again. Nostalgic for that time I spent making a scarf and teaching the dog new tricks and watching fucking tiger king. It’s hard to explain, but I guess it feels like at least we’re trying something, you know? At least we’re being proactive again. We aren’t giving up when it sort of felt like we were. And maybe I’m fucking stupid for having some hope that it will make a difference, but maybe it will.

2. Barns Courtney – Sinners

Anyway, I’m working on my last project right now. It’s going okay but I need to do more. I keep going back and forth between feeling chill about it and feeling extremely stressed about it lol. It’s so weird to look through all of these old documents, and every time I find something new it’s just … wow. Amazing. I know what her sons did with their lives. I know when they died. Oh, also I keep forgetting that as a part of this project I have to come up with a pedagogical presentation and record it. It shouldn’t be too hard but I need to devote two hours to that minimum, maybe more like 3 or 4. Sometime before Sunday night.

3. Mother Mother – Cesspool of Love

I remembered to feed the snakes at least, so that’s one thing off my checklist. I’m annoyingly stressed about the whole dog spay thing, and having flashbacks of the first time I couldn’t get an appointment because of a lockdown. Full circle innit. I’ll try to call around tomorrow and see what I can see… but yeah, it’s stressing me out. That lady I talked to on the phone today stressed me out even more about it. Jeeeeze. Okay, back to work.

4. Sub Urban – Cirque

I’m actually making an outline for myself for how I want to handle the rest of this, because it’s really complicated. It’s already half written. The literary analysis part is already written (although I’m going to add a little bit to that as well) but I have to weave the history stuff into it in a way that makes sense, and flows well, and makes the picture as complete as it possibly could be. I think it’s gonna be good. I really hope.

5. Unlike Pluto – Stir Crazy

Alright, my outline is all set up, I have a good organizational system set up for once in my life, I have everything I need to get this done and do it well. So, for now I’m going to go to bed. I need some rest. peace.

Playlist #2020: Election limbo hell edition

This past week has been so fucking stressful. My poor little brain. Our poor little all of us. Everything that’s happening right now is so insane, I really don’t even know how to deal with any of it. I’m Not Having A Good Time, let’s just say that. jesus christ, I hope we get the results tomorrow. I hope these states swing blue and we can have a president who isn’t a science denying narcissistic failed reality TV host trying to play god king of the proud boys. That would be cool. That would be real fuckin’ cool. I would feel real good about that. The amount of raw, chaotic energy I’m currently feeling, however, is too much. So maybe I’ll round it up in some songs.

  1. Missio – Audi A4

I’m doing historical research and trying to track down some old old letters. I found the books that have them, but I can’t find a way to access those books currently. It’s frustrating and I have like a thousand tabs open in my browser, but at least it’s distracting me.

2. Barns Country – Glitter & Gold

I might try to do a live chat with a librarian tomorrow, because librarians have library magic that I just can’t match. I still sometimes think I shoulda gone that route, learned that magic. But I’m moving forward instead of sideways. It’s happening. I’m overwhelmed with the wealth of information available for this project. Like … legit it’s so much stuff it’s hard to know where to start, or what to do next, you know?

3. NF – The Search

Like, there’s definitely worse problems to have. (I would know, I have a lot of them) but it’s sort of paralyzing in a weird, specific way. I need to try and wrap up my ancestry stuff in the next few days tho, because I fully do not want to pay $50 for subscription after my trial ends. I wonder if it will let me use the rest of the trial if I cancel it now, or if it’ll be like … Naw son, history time is done. I’ll find out. Also maybe I can do another trial. We’ll see.

4. Grandson – Stigmata

Also the covid numbers in our state are suddenly way worse than they’ve ever fucking been. Like we legit need to go back to a full on lockdown right now. Everything needs to close the fuck back up. It makes me worry for my family. We’re doing everything we can to stay safe but it’s still scary. I’ve felt myself get more relaxed about it as it has become… just part of life… but I need to stay vigilant. Now more than ever.

5. Mother mother – Latter days

On that lovely, definitely relaxing note, I think I’m going to try and go to bed. I’ve been trying to not stay up so fucking late on the weekdays, unless I like have to for project reasons. It’s been mostly working. Tomorrow is national nachos day, so that’s a fun activity you can participate in at home. Stay safe everyone. Peace. Hope for the best. Blue states and Biden 2020

Playlist # ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wonder if I’ll always remember what it felt like to run around drunk in our new backyard, free and full and unbelieving.  I wonder if I’ll always remember those first few months of painting and cleaning and claiming. Building and breaking and breaking in. I wonder if I’ll always feel a stab of anxiety when I see people not wearing masks, or getting too close. I know this is changing me forever. I wonder what that means.

Grandson – Is this what you wanted?

Caffeine doesn’t do as much as it should. Alcohol doesn’t do as much as it should. Hot sauce still does as much as it should, so that’s nice. Time feels frozen but everything is still moving, everything is still happening. It seems immoral to bring a child into the world right now. We couldn’t even make it 100 years before another fascist regime came to power? Jesus fucking christ.

Sub urban – Cirque

I just want to have a successful little business selling cute jewelry or soaps or candles or quasi-occult trinkets or all of the above. I want to bring in 45k per year. That would be enough to pay everything, maybe travel once a year, maybe get a car that isn’t old enough to drink. Is that too much to ask? 45k for my whole household. In the scheme of things, that’s nothing. In the scale of glutinous billionaire wealth hoarding, that’s one smoke break’s worth of money.  I should be able to have that. I should be able to have that.

Mother mother – In the wings

I’m looking into planting an eco-lawn in part of my back yard. It’s supposed to be no mow (you can but you don’t have to). You aren’t supposed to have to water it at all after it is established, and it supports local biodiversity. could be cool, but I would need to rent real equipment to prep the area and also we are on the very edge of the zone where you can plant this type of grass, so no guarantee it would actually work out. But it wouldn’t be a HUGE financial gamble, and if it worked out it would be pretty great. Our dog would love it so much.

Chris Garneau – Fireflies

Our dog would love another dog so much, but during a global pandemic seems like not a good time to get one. Like … socialization would be a hell of a lot harder when I’m trying to not leave my house or come into contact with any other people if I can help it. I might be able to get them into a daycare or something so they could have other dog socialization, but … I dunno. It would be A Lot. It can wait.

Shayfer James – Mercy down

It’s time for me to be done with this and move on. It’s been raining a lot the past few days and I love it. It’s good. It’s good for my soul. I watch it, or walk in it and let it cover me. Cold and wet in the middle of summer. Yes. This.

Playlist #???: Remember when I used to do playlists? Edition

Remember when I used to make playlists on here? Like a million years ago? I would do it because I was up late doing work, and it gave me a sort of nice little outlet, and it was nice to listen to them later. Maybe I’ll do one right now. Shit has been weird lately. A lot of stuff is happening. Right now I’m trying to finish up the supplemental items I need to submit now that I submitted my application for a doctoral program. It’s a lot and I’m stressed.

(Stealing Sheep – Shut Eye)

Yesterday I climbed up on my roof for the first time. It was Very Scary (lol). When I was a kid I loved climbing on the roof, I thought it was so amusing. But like… I was scared yo. It felt soooo steep, way steeper than my parents’ roof. But now that I’ve done it and survived, I could do it again if I have to.

(Tally Hall – Turn The Lights Off) 

Yesterday I put up xmas lights. For the first time ever in my life, I put xmas lights up outside of *my* house. It felt really good and sort of magical in a way. Just me, the cold, the shimmering lights. Also, they came out looking pretty dang good, if I do say so myself, especially since I was working with nothing but miss-matched strands, the majority of which only partially lit up. I used the long strands of broken dark bulbs as extension cords, and managed to set it up so there’s only one plug even though it goes across most of the yard.

(Lenka – Everything At Once)

I’m pretty stoked about the impeachment. Like… I know, I know, he’s probably not going to get kicked out of office because the senate is filled with fucking republican scumbags with no sense of morals, but it’s still good. It still happened. It’s a sliver of justice and I’ll take it.

(Lincoln – Saint Bernard) 

It’s cold. I should have brought my water bottle in here with me. My whole body is sore and it feels a little bit good. I’m shivering and it feels a little bit good. I’m kinda in the mood to bite and cut and tear and rend (and it feels a little bit good). Writing shit is stupid. I just want to learn a bunch of new rope ties. Too bad you can’t get a doctorate in tying people up. (unless…??)

(Mother Mother – Calm Me Down)

Ugh. It’s like 1am now. Maybe I should just let myself go to sleep and work on this more tomorrow. What else do I even have to do? (a lot of stuff dude) I should probably do a little more at least. Tomorrow is winter break (not really for me but sort of for me in a way) It’s nice, and sorta luxurious, and I’m not going to let myself lose track of myself and drink every fucking day. Need to schedule the logistics of holiday projects. I want a huge pile of firewood. I want to take a melatonin and try to get some fucking sleep.

(Mother Mother – Bit By Bit) 

Playlist #?? : I am not the dead

So much work. So many hours and words. And all for this and that and the other thing. All for money and soil and toiling. But I am free here and now, for a flash few hours. Peace and love.

Miike Snow – Bavarian #1 (Say You Will)

The Strumbellas – Spirits

Lorde – Buzzcut Season

Arctic Monkeys – Crying Lightning

Alt-J – Fitzpleasure (Jim James Apple C Remix)

final countdown (for nowntdown)

Last day of this round. I want to feel happy and excited to finish it but I just feel sorta empty and sorta scared and very exhausted. My neck is still killing me. Like… really, a lot. I still barely slept last night. It’s been a long while since 8 hours happened. whatever. Expect the worst, hope for the best. I’ll either be right or pleasantly surprised. These last 5 are gunna be extra hard to write, because they are bottom of the barrel style. Whatever. Let’s go.

(5)wrote this one backward, that made it slightly less terrible somehow. Probably going to do the next one that way too.

(4) Another backward one, done. Also My S.O just went out to run errands for me and bring me food. Also  I just spontaneously started crying, so that’s cool.

(3) finished. More than halfway through. I just got accepted for a new assignment, I didn’t even have to do a trial for it the client just asked if I wanted to do it because they are familiar with my work. It’s just a small thing, but it’s a thing. It’s already loaded. I’m not even gunna look at it today.

(2) done. only one more to go. I’m feelin” helllllllla ravaged in an ot fun at all even a little bit type of way. Like… super uncool style. And I’m planning on going to the gym when I’m done with this, so that’s a thing.

(1) and done. 136 total wedding guides written for this round. That’s so fucking many, and yet it doesn’t feel like enough. Okay, okay, I’m done. It’s done. I’m done. Peace.

sanity window

(5)This is for me. For me to write and live in this little block of white and nothing and whatever. Feeling worn and sick and strange and wanting and weak. Hoping coffee will help. Five wedding guides and $100 stand between me and a hopefully relaxing evening. Now is the time.

(4)Finding my stride quickly and easily. Say the same words in a hundred different ways and it’s easy. It’s nothing it’s meaningless it’s a bag of crisps that’s 94.3% air. This coffee has an aftertaste that tastes like celery to me. Shouldn’t have gotten the organic one. Whatever. oh well. Caffeinated celery bean water what the flip ever.

(3)That one I just finished was for a zoo, which are always kinda fun because it’s at least a little different. Coffee is working even though it’s celery-tastic. Haha, I’m so fucking weak, all the songs that are playing on pandora are almost making me cry. I blame hormones. It’s ridiculous.

(2)Over halfway there. Going fast and going faster. Fingers and brain you all know what to do by now. I’m going to be at 86 total by the end of this day. Good. yes. good. I should shoot for more than 5 tomorrow, I really should.

(1)Hunger is starting to eat at me. hahaha. haha ha. Nice one brain. But really body, you’ve got plenty to burn in there, have at it. Where was I? Oh, right. One more guide to write. It’s about a lighthouse or something? I don’t even know, nor do I care. Soon it will be done and I will be done.

(0) I wrote them all and I’m done and I’m exhausted. I should probably go through and queue up some more for tomorrow, but I dunno if I have it in me really. I’m feeling so drained and strange. But that’s okay. I’m done writing and I made $100 in like four hours and that’s  not bad at all so I’m going to try my very best to let myself stop thinking so goddamn much about everything for a little while. Peace. Love.


Wedding songs (playlist)

I haven’t made a playlist in forever, but doing a ton of writing always makes me want to make one. This little batch of wedding writing is about done, but I’m hoping there will be another one soon. I wrote a total of 38 guides this week, roughly 19,000 words. There are a handful more in the pool, and I could stay up and do them, but I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. So! here are some songs that made me twitch around and rock back and forth and feel slightly better while I was working. Don’t question it, it is what it is.

1. Three Days Grace – Painkiller (yeah yeah, I know I know. I really like the chorus. Suck it.)

2. Panic! at the disco – Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time (stupid but fun)

3. Caravan Palace – Brotherswing (this song sounded so familiar and I thought I might have had it on an earlier playlist, but I totally didn’t. I was recognizing it from a Darlings show.)

4. Metric – Black Sheep (this is like the most famous metric song and I’ve only heard it a few times)

5. Cake Bake Betty – One By One (I love the lyrics for this song but can’t find a lyric vid)

6. Purity Ring – Saltkin (yeah, nice. nice, yeah)

Saturday Slaylist

Welp, it’s am and I should absolutely be finishing up my night’s work so I can catch a few hours of sleep… but I had this like 80% put together and I just wanted to have it for tomorrow. (Plus that Kongos shit just came on my pandora again and I was like fuck … I gotta. ) So, hopefully by the time I’m listening to this I will be free, and hopefully it will be a nice Saturday night. This is a beautifully eclectic combination of songs, and I couldn’t be happier with it honestly.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros -40 day dream (rejected this one from an earlier playlist but it’s making a comeback today)

Wax Taylor – Say yes Instrumental mix (What’s a playlist without some electro swing?)

Kongos – I’m only joking (This song grabs a HOLD of me. weird and almost scary. “there’s a song, you’re trembling to it’s tune, at the request of the moon”)

The Bravery – Fistful of Sand (moon version) (this is one of those lyrically  sad songs that make me feel uplifted for some reason??)

Twenty one pilots – Tear in my Heart (“But my taste in music is your face!”)

Skeewiff – Don’t Rock the Boat (electro swing again, just delicious beats and sounds and harmonies and mmm nice)

Atreyu – Bleeding Mascara (Because I flailed around in a mosh pit and screamed my face off to this song yo! always one of my Atreyu faves. Couldn’t resist.)


playlist 38: Autumn Official

Sometimes it’s the weekend, in the waning week of September and the fall air slowly starts to fall over your city. Sometimes you look at Friday night against a backdrop of city lights and feel your chest grow tight tight tight.

STRFKR: Golden Light

Purity Ring – Begin Again

District 78 – Toxic (feat. Cheesa)

Chvrches – Lungs

SOHN – The Wheel