“my brain’s the weak heart and my heart’s the long stairs”

– Modest Mouse, Heart Cooks Brain. 

I just love that song so much, and all the lyrics are awesome and clever and I want to be that awesome and clever. I’m tired and procrastinating once again. It’s almost 1am and I NEEDNEEDNEED to write three more guides before I go to sleep. Seriously, I just feel a sustained sense of anxiety the whole time I’m writing them and I don’t know how to ease it, or why exactly I feel that way. It’s not hard to write, it’s just… I dunno, draining on my soul. I can feel little bits of my soul flecking off with each pointless, empty line I lay down. Still, can’t complain. It’s much less soul crushing than other forms of gaining money I have experienced. Even so, it makes me want to run and sing and scream and rip stuff up and beg and take a beating and fuck and all the things that build my soul back up. ~~ but I digress ~~ I NEED to go back to work. I’m still annoyed that I managed to lose my package like a wicked huge loser who loses stuff… but I’m mostly over it. I continue to hope that the rest of the week works out well. Please, please, please. I look eagerly forward to Friday after 7pm. 

PRO crastination

Wicked tired! (as usual, right?) What’s up new followers? I should be writing an article right now (as usual, right?) but c’mon… that’s boring sauce. My car still doesn’t start in the cold, and my (wicked smart) little brother has been researching the problem and messing with my car for like a week with no success. However, he thinks he may have isolated the problem. It requires a new part, so tomorrow we are going down to the U-Pull-&-Pay (A.K.A bizarre car graveyard) and seeing if we can yoink the part we need out of a dead volvo. Hopefully we’ll be able to do so. We’re now going at noon apparently, which for me is really early because I’m NOCTURNAL AS FUCK and I stay up ’till like… morning style time. SO! I will make an effort to get to bed slightly earlier tonight so I can do that tomorrow. In order to make that happen, I really really really need to get my work done like… FAST. Someone come force me to concentrate! 

early morning ponders

2am with 6 pages to write. Pandora ads, man, you’re killing my vibe. I’m wicked tired and maybe I should drink caffeine or maybe I should not because it might make me go psycho style way too jittery to actually get things done. It’s a pretty fine line, that. If I could get paid for the last 5 articles I’ve written that would be great. I could really use that $200 like… now. But I have to wait however the hell long it’s going to take, who knows. Plus an extra five days after it’s even issued, and another day for the bank to actually recognize, possibly more if it comes in on the weekend… which it usually does. But whatever, I can’t really complain. I can make decent money sitting here at my laptop dropping lines from my fingertips.

 I have to keep reminding myself that “sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something!” because it is kind of annoying how effortlessly my little brother can play the instrument I have just barely begun to understand. It’s okay. I’ll get there eventually. I just feel wicked slow and lame when he’s all “have you learned anything else? do you have anything cool to show me?” and I’m just like…. nah bro. I know he’s just excited but … ugh. It’s complicated. Older sibling feels… never mind.

I wish I could be more helpful for my love in times like this, but really all I can do is be there and be there and be there. Do what I can and say what I can but damn. I want it to be more. I want to have all the answers and lay them on the ground in the form of little golden statues and a bowed head. Okay, I’m exhausted but I need to get back to work. that’s more than enough of this.