Hi. I’m still here, more or less. I’ve felt like I’ll somehow curse my life by writing on here, which is silly I guess, but *knocks on wood about it* Anyway, yeah. It’s a busy time. My eyes are tired from being open for so long and I really need to fucking exercise and I should probably consume a vegetable sometime in the relatively near future. Maybe actually get some groceries so I have some type of food in the house. Whatever. whatever. dude, I’m tired. Just one question set and three freelance articles to go, for today. 15 pages from two classes, 12 pages from another, and 25 pages from another = a total of 67 fucking pages of papers that I have to write in the next 1.25 months. Holy fucking shit dude. Holy Fucking Shit. Dude. That’s not to mention the 10 minute presentation I have to somehow?? make?? and the regular weekly work that is still happening. The discussions and reading questions and article summaries. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah! cool, cool, co co co co co co coool! Grad school was a Fun and Good idea! My summer financial aid better come thru, so I can split up my last 4 classes over summer and fall, and only have to take 1 other class while I write my dissertation, instead of taking 3 other classes while writing my dissertation. But, ultimately, we’ll see. We’ll see we’ll see we’ll see. I just want to practice knots and ties and have my body worshiped while I casually sip wine. Jeeze. Why is all of this happening instead? Alright, it’s time for me to do more work. I’m out. peace.
What’s up? I’m freaking the fuck out and trying not to freak the fuck out about the work I have to do, about this fucking paper that I have to write and I honestly have next to no idea what the fuck I want to write it about. Awesome, cool, cool, awesome. Okay, I just sort of had an idea, but it’s like…. still going to be really hard. I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to write something thiiiisssss fucking long about like… any type of topic really. And it’s due on Sunday, and my other 15 page paper is also due on Sunday, and that’s like 5 days from now, and I’m sorta kinda freaking the fuck out about it. Ha. yeah. Totally. I haven’t been taking good care of my physical self lately, which is super not cool. I need to spend more time on that. I need to spend more time on everything. But this week, I have to get this shit written. Next week, I have to take finals. Then I’ll have maybe a little bit of breathing room. I dunno. At the moment I’m seriously about to enter Panic Mode tho. I’m the guide on for tomorrow night too, and I really really really really really fucking hope no one signs up for a tour, so I can get a chance to get my shit together, and get my work done. Everything is annoying and distracting and I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do about any of this, honestly, but I will just have to try my fucking best. I think I’m going to let myself get some sleep now, because I’m tired and my brain isn’t working too awesome anymore. All of this is going to get done tho, because it fucking has to. I don’t have any other choice. Okay, I’m going to be done writing this now, let myself chill for a minute, and then try to catch a few zzzzzs. Ugh. fuck. I’m so fucking stressed out right now, I don’t know how to handle myself. peace.
So here we are again, same position I was in last night except secretly actually a little worse because I have more to do and less time. I can’t not procrastinate if I don’t have an immediate looming deadline. … but it’s looming pretty hard right now. I’m going to be awake forever. Like seriously we’re talking all freaking night…. hopefully 4 hours of sleep before immediately more work. Oh well. oh well. I’ll do what I gotta do. It’ll be over after tomorrow and I don’t know what I’ll do then. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. But like… those are problems for later style me, I suppose. Right now me has only one problem to deal with, and that’s finishing this work. I took a rowing machine break that ended up taking forever and now I’m here lol. -shrugs forever, off into the sunset- Okay… I gotta kick it into gear. Gunna fuckin’ hyper power through these fucking things. Like blow through them like that one episode of mythbusters where they put that ramming thing on their huge truck and plowed through a huge row of cars. Yeah, that’s gunna be me… except … I’m the truck and the cars are product descriptions. A bunch of them have been for toys and it keeps trying to get me to confirm if the toy is for a boy or a girl, but I wrote that every single one was unisex. FIGHT ME.
This whole process of applying to grad school has got me fucked up. Honestly, like real fucked up. I hate writing about myself and trying to make myself out to be a good, promising candidate. exaggerating and weaving together the story of my post college life in a way that makes me seem like grad school material. And I fucking hate going through my writing to find a writing sample. Like it seems so fucking pretentious and amateurish and I hate looking at it honestly, I can’t even tell if it’s good. I need to find a copy of that stupid little magazine that published a couple of my poems. I know my parents have a copy if I can’t find mine. I just want to be fucking done, I just want to have the stupid thing submitted already, but I can’t stop procrastinating because I hate how doing it feels so it’s taking me forever. Like questioning all my life choices and shit like do I even really wanna go back? But then I’m like… so what? You know? I mean I might not even get in, which would fucking suck, but assuming I do get in, the semester doesn’t even start until august, which is like 8 more months. So like… if by then I change my mind or whatever, then fine. But if I don’t get this shit turned in by the 15th then I miss the opportunity and it won’t come around again for another year. SO yeah, I’m gunna fucking do it. I’m guna finish writing this goddamn letter, and then I’m going to write another goddamn letter, and then I’m going to put these poems together and edit them as I see fit and then I’m going to choose my best academic paper and edit it if necessary and then I’m going to pay the ridiculous $50 application fee, and then I’m going to submit it. And this is going to happen by Sunday.
man, I’m totally losing it over here. I can’t even think or focus at all and gaaaaaaah, he keeps touching me and giving me certain looks and it sends me dowwwn so fast, to a place I really want to go and just … stay. there. But I caaaaan’t because I have work to do, and responsibilities, and stuff and it’s wicked hard to be productive when you can’t stop thinking about getting tied up and … -clears throat- Tomorrow I’m going to have quite a lot of work actually… but I suppose that’s alright. Maybe it will keep me sort of distracted? Seriously what’s my deal? Why am I so keyed up this week? KeYeD UuUuUuUuUuUp SON! >>>___<<< I need to clear my damn head and write ONE LAST ARTICLE for tonight so I can possibly go to sleep at a semi-decent time and not wake up at 2 in the afternoon. Or I could stay up forever reading and still wake up wicked late… that’s also cool. I wish I had money to get some new clothes because my wardrobe is currently prettyyyy pathetic. Also I need to actually make an effort to try and fix my shoes cuz I’m basically shoe-less. -endless shrug- I mean it’s hard to care about it TOO much when I want to be home wearing next to nothing most of the time. Alright guyyys… I’m gunna peace out now and try to get something done.
I seriously need to have like… a thing to block me from using the internet for things besides working when I’m supposed to be working… cuz I just wasted about 20 minutes catching up on the ~moderately kinky~ webcomic that I enjoy. (Can be found here: http://shiniez.deviantart.com/ if you are curious.) Aaaand also Tumblr… which I use for PROcrastination all the damn time… and now I’m doing this! I know there are apps and stuff to freeze you out for a set amount of time, but I don’t waaaant toooooo! -insert childish whiny voice- Working is really booorinnnng! Also I have my phone, which is always good for some distraction and time wasting. Seriously, the only time I really have self-control is when I have a LOOMING deadline (and I do mean looming. Like… everything is due in 3 hours or you’re fired looming). Otherwise, I find it really hard to concentrate and I just zone out and the next thing you know… I just spent an hour looking at … stuuufff … and … thiiiiiings . @__@ It’s hard to make yourself do something you hate doing when you can so easily do something else! Sheeesh. Sooo yeah! Aaanyway, I’m going to TrY to go back to working now and maybe get some stuff done so I don’t feel like my soul is DyInG so much Wednesday through Friday at 7pm. >>>>>__<<<<<< Peace, love, self-control (hopefully)
Feeling overwhelmed with other people’s work as well as my own. I don’t want to do this and my soul feels like it’s getting crushed and this whole next week is just going to be full of me sitting in front of my laptop typing things. I just want to procrastinate and go out for food and be in the world and not do this work at all. I just want to have an all day sex marathon and not go out in the world and only leave the bed for short breaks and just fuck literally all day long and not do this work at all.