What’s up fuckers? I’m feeling like a dead lead weight on top of some other types of weights. or … fucking. something not cool, whatever. Faking being Strong until it feels real, or at least until shit gets done. Until things happen and shit. gets. done. That’s cool, that’s rad. Look at my fucking muscles. See that shit? Strong as hell. Definitely. For sure. I just lost the opportunity to get $500 worth of freelance work because my goddamn cactus fucking gmail app decided to give me the e-mail notification TWO FUCKING HOURS after the e-mail actually came in. And two hours is waaaaay too fucking late in this circumstance. I replied to it instantly, the minute I got it, and then I saw that the fucking time stamp said it was from 2pm… and my phone decided to notify me at 3:46. Too late hot plate. $500 down the fucking drain. Oh, but hey, but hey man, at least I got the notification for the e-mail telling me the expiration date of my digital library loan right on time. Right on fucking time the second it came in. That’s awesome. I’m so fucking glad. Sure would have been a tragedy if I had to wait on that one. Just downed a big cup of coffee fast style, now style, presently and pressingly. So now, right now, Right n-n-n-n-n-n-now I’m going to go get some exercise, and try not to think about the state of anything. And try not to let myself get swallowed by anything. And try not to focus on how agonizingly slow and agonizingly tedious and agonizingly physically uncomfortable every single second of the experience is… Because exercising is FUCKING FUN AND COOL AND SOOO FUCKING FUN I LOVE IT I CAN’T WAIT TO DO IT LET’S GO LET’S GO RIGHT NOW.
I spent a lot of today at Jury duty, as part of a Grand Jury, holding people’s fates in my hands like tiny baby birds (Tiny baby birds who almost all for sure committed some crimes) And it was… really draining?? It didn’t help that I only slept for like 3 hours the night before. Also, I awoke to an email saying that I got rejected from that project that I did a trial for a couple days ago. That’s literally never happened to me before for a writing project like that and it’s making me feel pretty terrible tbh. I thought I might have fucked it up and apparently I fucking fucked it up. Soooo I’m trying not to hyper focus on that and just move on. Anyway, I got 3 guides written while I was at jury duty, because there were lots of breaks because everything takes forever all the time. I can’t tell you guys about any of the specifics about the cases because “ALL GRAND JURY PROCEEDINGS MUST REMAIN SECRET FOREVER” It literally says that all huge in the handbook, it’s pretty hilarious. The whole process was bizarre and tedious and like… why didn’t I try harder to get out of it?? I might have been able to?? The dude who sat across the table from me was the most annoying person I’ve encountered in a really long time. Like… he was asking the most asinine questions and focusing on details that didn’t. fucking. matter. to. the. cases. Like… it doesn’t fucking matter whether the person was drunk or on drugs, you don’t need to fucking ask that. WAS the thing they did illegal?? Yes?? Then it doesn’t fucking matter whether or not they were drunk while they were doing it. It doesn’t fucking matter if their reason for being angry when they did the thing was valid or not. That does not make the thing they did any more or less illegal. At first I was just being quiet (because I’m shy AF) but he kept asking shit that was sooo0 not relevant so I just kept fucking reminding him that those things weren’t fucking relevant to the case and that wasn’t what he was supposed to be considering. Listen to the evidence given. Does it sound like the person did the thing? Or did the person not do the thing? All these random extraneous factors you’re trying to bring into it DON’T. FUCKING. MATTER. This isn’t the actual trial. We’re just trying to decide if they *should* go to trial. Jesus, why don’t you ask about their star signs while you’re at it you fucking old ass douchenugget. Also while we were on our lunch break and I was trying to get some work done to make the most out of my time there he wouldn’t fucking stop trying to talk to me. Like… ignoring all of my “DON’T TALK TO ME” social cues. Such as: looking only at my laptop and typing things on my laptop. Wearing fucking HEADPHONES. Giving one or two word responses to your questions. Like… dude. Go back to eating your nasty looking yogurt and leave me the fuck alone. I was the youngest on the jury by at least 5 years, which was sorta weird I guess? (Lowest age number highest IQ number tbh.) Like… they all just seemed so much fucking slower than me. Slower at reading, slower at understanding directions, slower at coming to obvious conclusions. It was weird and I sound sorta like an arrogant asshole right now but it was a true fact. Oh, and another thing that fucking douche guy did that pissed me off?? I ended up basically explaining my whole job to him hoping that if he realized I was actually trying to do my literal work he would leave me the fuck alone, but that was a naive hope I suppose. Instead, he said some shit like…. “wow, that sounds sort of like the opposite of my career path. I started by working a 9 to 5 and then when I had a solid financial foundation I just kinda started goofing around.” AND I’m like…. excuuuuuuuuse me bitch?? You saying that I’m goofing around?? You think writing a fucking novel’s worth of words about super tedious topics in two weeks is goofing around? You think I’m having a jolly good time? Fuck your baby boomer fucking ass. You ruined the economy and now you’re living off social security from our fucking taxes you piece of shit. You know NOTHING about what it’s like to try and make it out here now. You can’t just “get a solid financial foundation” that easily anymore you fuckwit. You absolute tool. You have no idea what kind of shit we’re facing, what kind of uphill battle it is. How fucking DARE you insinuate that I’m “goofing around” because the way I make money isn’t traditional. You are out of touch and out of bounds and you’re lucky we’re already in a court room because you’re gonna want a lawyer when I knock your fucking teeth out you piece of shit. aaaaaaaannnnyyyywwwwwaaaaayyyyyy…. I also started my period while I was there… sooo…. that definitely added to my overall rage. And now it’s midnight, and I still have six guides to write before I can go to sleep, and I’m exhausted but also sorta feeling hyper-focused? Or maybe just hyper-motivated? There’s a **chance** that I can actually have a semi-relaxed night tomorrow, and god, I want that so much. I’ve been working so much non-stop almost all the hours I’ve been awake for days and days and days and man, I could really really use a breather, you know? But that’s only going to happen if I kick it into overdrive right now and immediately when I wake up tomorrow. I’m tired guys. I’m so fucking tired.
So today, instead of feeling depressed I’m filled with unbridled rage that makes me want to punch everything around me over and over again until it turns into nothing but broken, useless pulp. everything. pulp. I drove around a lot today, paying rent, dealing with issues, getting in some singing practice for the KSD show, screaming at the top of my lungs until my voice felt cracked and raw, singing some more, you know. the usual type of stuff. I was right about tHe ReD tImE, it happened and is happening. I feel fucking awful physically as well as emotionally… yet, I’m still planning on going to the gym. Haha. hahaha. ha. so much fucking rage dudes. I want to rage at everything about everything and it’s AWESOME. Definitely helping that it’s roasting as fuck in here. Definitely. I picked up a super tiny assignment…. two blog entries for $12 each. basically a meaningless amount of work and money, but I took it anyway for a variety of reasons. yeah. okay. yeah. whatever. I’m so fucking done with this right now, I can’t deal with it. God I’m so fucking pissed off about everything fuck everything fuck it. I hate everything. fuck.
******************some hours later ******************
haha, yeah. I was just gunna say that my rage had subsided, and I was feeling more chill, but then the computer started lagging and i was like… nevermind. I still want to turn everything into pulp. lol. yeah. cool. yeah. I finished one of the two blog posts I’m supposed to write before midnight tomorrow, and I’m going to attempt to finish the second one before I go to bed so it can just be done and I can be done. I filled out an interest form for yet another project that currently doesn’t have any work but might in the future… so there’s that. yeah. Even though I feel like a suffering puppet being controlled by the sadness monster, I still succeeded in going to the gym, and I used my fucking unstoppable rage to shatter my all time 2 mile elliptical speed record by 49 seconds. So I guess that was pretty cool. I’m writing an article about bugs right now and it’s making me feel all itchy and gross, so I’ going to hurry up and finish it so I can go to bed. peace.
Feeling consistently hungry and consistently irritable as hell. I’m craving protein like woah. Not sweets, not fucking chips or whatever, goddamn protein. I’m sure this is a fine amount of protein but I’m used to ~~mostly protein~~ and ugh. Just ugh. Also like… the majority of these meals are noodles or largely noodle based and I fucking hate noodles. After surviving on mostly noodles for YEARS in college I really can’t stand that shit any more. So…… that’s fun. I felt really weak at the gym, but I still managed to make it through the circuit. Today was just an awful day all around, super stressful and emotionally ravaging and I don’t fucking know how to deal with it honestly. I feel like crying in the shower for a few thousand years. I feel like I’m always having to be strong and calm about shit and just… ugh. It gets really tiresome. Whatever. I should shut up and stop whining.
But seriously, I can’t even fucking believe how much everything sucks and I’m so goddamn mad at myself and I FINALLY got my fucking package and then I immediately LOST IT FOREVER because I put it in a stupid fucking spot and it fell out of my car apparently. I don’t even fucking know how that happened but it’s fucking gone. I didn’t even get to open it. It was in my possession for about 7 minutes. I … I can’t even… I feel like the biggest failure in the history of fucking fails. I was so happy and psyched for that 7 minutes. Now I just feel emotionally ravaged. I already felt weird and overly emotional after last night, and the shitty fucking horrible last few days I’ve had constantly working and stressing out and feeling it kill my soul. I don’t even know 100% what happened last night because I was drunk and I don’t know what caused what and it just sucked. I don’t know how to process anything right now. Maybe someone cool found it and they’ll throw it in a mailbox or something…. but I’m certainly not going to fucking count on it. Try again.
This whole shit with the neighbors has left me feeling… just… sorta bad and an unreachable little pang somewhere inside. I’m not good at conflict, I hate it and it always makes me feel gross… Even if I’m not directly involved, it doesn’t really matter. It still makes me feel that way. Bad and sick and guilty and embarrassed, ESPECIALLY when it’s something I can’t just… peace out from. Something I can’t just leave behind when it’s over because at the end of the day I still have to live next to these fucking people. I’ve been having nightmares, the past couple weeks, that I can hear their music coming through the wall, and then he wakes up and rages and freaks out on them. That’s how much the concept stresses me out. Literal nightmares. That might seem stupid and it feels pretty stupid to me but I can’t fucking help how I feel. I really can’t. I can’t rationalize away those thoughts and feelings yo. And that’s basically what happened today and the whole thing has left me feeling distinctly not awesome. I’m trying my best to shake it off and move on with my goddamn life, and maybe writing it down like this will help me do that, I dunno. I know it fucking sucks and they are being huge inconsiderate total ass douche fucks but honestly this makes me feel worse inside than waking up to their shitty douchbag music. I don’t know what to do, I know I’m not the only person effected, it’s not just about me. I just hate it and hate living in an apartment and hate being an adult and I just want to hide forever in a tiny blanket ball. Buuuut I can’t do that. So instead I’m going to eat some chinese food and drink some spiced rum and try to chill the fuck out. Have a good one if you can guys.
I’m getting real tired of living in the space between two domiciles, sharing walls as thin and useless as a soggy paper plate. I fucking hate these new neighbors. Their constant smoking, their loud ass clomping around all the goddamn time, but more than fucking ANYTHING… that kid’s shitty ass music that seeps right into the bedroom while we are trying to sleep. My boyfriend has gone over there a few times to tell them to turn it down and explained when it would be okay to play it loud but those fuckers still don’t get it and they are disrespectful and I hate them. When I’m trying to sleep, every time I hear a noise I think might be their stupid fucking music again I feel fear. I feel stressed out and sick, because I don’t want it to be that and I don’t want to have to elevate this conflict or involve calling the apartment complex people because I just fucking hate that, and also they know we have ferrets and we aren’t supposed to have pets here so they could report us for that and really fuck us over if they wanted to be dicks about it. It’s just so not cool and so unnecessary and disrespectful and you could wear some motherfucking headphones you piece of shit. I just hate the whole situation and it makes me feel bad and I want some fucking personal space and not to have to deal with this sort of bullshit all the time. I want a house and I want it soon and I don’t care what it’s made of or how big it is as long as it has some sort of yard. Some sort of private outdoor space that separates it from other domiciles. But I’m still too poor to make that happen. Maybe soon-ish. Hopefully.
Aaaaaaanyway, I have been having a good amount of kinky sex the past couple days, and it has been really fun and nice and hot and good and helps me have a more positive outlook on the world at large. If I bruised easily I would totally have a handcuff bruise on at least one of my wrists, but I don’t bruise easily or very much at all so I just get to have it feel all tender and ouchy without the satisfaction of actually seeing a mark. 😛 (Although one time I had to go to a job interview with hella bruises and handcuff marks on my wrists and I didn’t notice until I was already there so that was slightly awkward.)… ButI I digress. I like this kind of thing and it has been a long time but it makes me feel good and it gives me access to a part of myself I enjoy and sometimes miss. I like having something around my neck and it looks like a normal style necklace but it is a collar secretly maybe secretly maybe.
Okay, I have to go and do work and get things done and stuff. I have sort of a lot of work to do and it’s all due at midnight. I’m wicked tired and should maybe make coffee. Going into Rio tomorrow I think, trying to get recording done.