Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop. Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P.
Hi, hello, hello, hi. I should probably be trying to go to sleep but I feel really pumped up and not tired at all. Tonight I had a ghost tour and it just poured rain the entire time. It was beautiful, and honestly so much fun. I just observed and didn’t try to do any stops. We did the rain rout and stayed under awnings and it poured and poured and poured. I got soaking wet, it was lovely. We got more tips than I’ve ever seen a tour get. Now I’m home. There’s a chance that my financial aid for grad school is going to get dropped into my account today. That would honestly be so amazing and lovely. **knocks on wood** I reallyyyy hope everything goes through. I’ve got a lot of bills to pay, and that would be immensely helpful, honestly. Actual school starts the 21st. I’m a little nervous tbh. I don’t have to do another tour this week until Friday, which is really nice because I have a lot of other stuff going on. I’m trying to balance everything and everyone. I need to write and I should ghost study on my own. Also, since last night when we talked about it I’ve been thinking about **stuff** a lot. I’ve been thinking about allowing myself to be as vulnerable as a child. Truthfully I’m wildly intrigued. That sort of attention and care and structure sounds… super appealing to me right now. Soooo…. that’s a thing. and that’s all I’m going to say about it right here. I think I’m going to take a benadryl, and then try to sleep. I might watch a bit of the “The Dead Files” episode I just found out about that’s about one of the stops on my tour.
Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.
Everyone is so nice to me at my weird new side job. This guy Craig lent me his shirt cuz they still haven’t given me one yet. I kinda hate borrowing people’s stuff, cuz it makes me paranoid, but I needed a shirt. I showed up and he was like “take off your shirt” and I was like “okay!” And just started doing it (cuz I had a tank top under and also I was pretty sure he was going to give me one) and he started cracking up that I would do that. Then I was checking all my guide’s equipment and getting shit ready to go and Craig called me over again. “Is this your first time?” He asked me, with a tone that was like… A lil concerned for me. “It’s my first time all by myself, without someone like… Shadowing me.” “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll still be shadowed… By the spirits!” He said and did his little sinister laugh. “Thanks! That makes me feel so much better!” (Weirdly it did a little actually) Then we went, and I got to see Charlie’s tour and he told me about a paranormal experience that he really had. He split the tips with me 50/50 even though he really did all the work and also I fucked up slightly on one thing. But he said it was okay, that I did well. My head is crowded with ghost stories, and I’m already starting to plan how I want to tell them. It’s a lot. I hope I’m not too overwhelmed when grad school starts. I’m going to drop myself from my freelance projects. I hope that’s enough. Really I’d like to do 3 nights a week or fewer of the tour thing. We’ll see. I feel so tired and everything feels like too much tbh. I need a day. I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s true. I feel too vulnerable to allow myself the luxury of feeling vulnerable. I want things and want things, but I’m afraid of getting actually hurt. I held out so strong so in control for a long little spell and it was good. I would gladly do it again. But now my blood sings for surrender, and I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. So there’s that lol. There’s that, and here’s to sleep. I have an arduous, taxing day ahead of me.
I still don’t have a shirt for my new weird side job. I decided I like Santa Charlie. I mostly feel good when I’m there. Met another tour guide who I really liked, and a painfully shy assistant. I did half of the actual assistant duties today, for a lady tour guide, and it was interesting. Easy really, though the guy I’m training with still managed to fuck it up and shine his flashlight in the guide’s eyes a bunch of times. It’s just waiting and paying attention and (tbh) serving. I dash ahead of the group, alone in the dark. I pull a breeze block from around the corner and set up a DVD player on top of it. Sound cord plugged in, correct video selected, remote in place. And then out of the way as they round the corner, because I’m not supposed to draw attention to myself. She finishes her story and plays the video and then leads the tour on. She grabs the DVD player because she needs it right away to show a picture. She leaves the remote and sound cord, letting them fall to the ground next to her lantern. I’m caught off guard but I gather everything and follow. And because I’m myself, her indolent disregard and assumption that I would take care of it makes me feel some type of way. I follow, putting the bits of tech in the bag slung over my shoulder, holding the lantern. I wait and watch as she speaks, half hidden behind a tree (behind The Murder Tree actually) and for a weird little second I feel like the 18th century servant from the story she’s telling. How odd and parallel. But I’m not gut shot by a spurned ex lover. I don’t collapse against the tree and die. I don’t fill the air with my restless spirit. I wait, and watch, and when her body language tells me she’s ready I step out from behind the tree, taking the player from her and placing the lantern at her feet. “Thank you dear” she says, and because I’m myself I feel some type of way.
Maybe I’m going to expand on my life here today, because it takes me forever to make an entry on my phone like I did last night, so I gotta keep it short. Currently writing a soul-death article about Grifco garage door remotes and transmitters. Fucking tight. Coffee is kicking in and making me restless style, but also awake, so it’s whatever. The dude who I was training with last night is named Charlie, and I said he was santa clause because he looks like santa and also he literally dresses up in a $600 Santa suit and *Bees Santa* every year. And I can’t decide how I feel about him. He was easy to talk to, and the most helpful person I’ve encountered so far And he wasn’t condescending. but he also leched at and sort of hit on two beautiful young women from Russia who were there for the tour. (They were like… model hot. and it was like joking fun style not super creepy, but also like… kinda gross to me)And then later in the night he said some dumb heteronormative shit like “you meet a lot of beautiful ladies on this job”, and then he looked at me and said “And handsome guys” and I was just like… uuugh, don’t assume I am str8 and like guys. But also I was kinda like… fuck it, let’s meet some handsome guys. *shrugs* Anyway, apparently he became a guide faster than basically anyone else ever has, which is what I want to do, soooo yeah. I’m not scheduled for anything tomorrow, but he said I could shadow his tour if I wanted to, and maybe I want to. How much do I actually care about this? How much time do I actually want to devote to it? That’s a good question that I should ask myself… So I’ll just put it on the pile of other Good Questions I Should Ask Myself, and deal with it later. Nice coping mechanism myself! Okay, I’m guna punch this article in the face with my diiiiiick, and then maybe I’ll be back. *later* Okay, done with that one. Four more to do today, and all the topics are fucking terrible bottom of the barrel bullshit. Really stretching my brain to make them work. Okay, 3 done 3 to go. I think I’m going to take a break and get a workout in, because I’m at peak caffeine and I’m going to be pissed at myself if I don’t do it. Soooo *peace sign* I think I’m just guna end this weird stupid entry here, instead of carrying it on and on as I tediously finish three more stupid articles. I want to be a robot with no emotions, so I’m going to pretend that I am. Laters.
Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing) Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!
(=’ :’ )