Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

response ability

I feel bowled over and dejected by the weight of the world. Fucking buried. growing hopeless and desperate in equal measure. a heart so wrapped so squeezed so so so so so so so so so so so. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Measure my time out in pages and lines. Measure my time out in strokes and strides. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Today I’ll look up names and keep open eyes. Today I’ll write and lie and ride. Today I’ll see what chords my hands remember. This isn’t fun and folly. This isn’t what I wanted.

en TITLE d

ha Fuck I feel depressed right now. Tired as fuck, doing a bunch of work that I won’t even get paid for for a fucking month. But still, I fucking have to. I fucking have to, and also hope against hope against hope that my client without a huge fucking delay gives me some more work this month, like… soon this month. I have half of my rent money sorted but that’s just half yo. I just paid 3 fucking credit card bills and that was like $100 lolololololololololololololol that means I probably have like… not nearly enough money left in my account, that’s how much. I want / (need to if I’m actually going to be serious about it ) to get myself pads and a helmet and that’s more money and I’m just feeling pretty dejected right now I guess, maybe because it’s 1am and I still have a **minimum** of four hours of work left to do, probably a bit more. I really hope that this client loads another bigger batch after this one. That would be … ideal. That would make me feel a whole fucking lot better. I should get a real job with a reliable paycheck. But like… doing what? I dunno, but I do know that this shit is growing thin. This constant unreliable income and the stress it brings is wearing really fucking thin. I kinda wanna punch that dude at jury duty in the face who fucking laughed when he overheard me telling someone that I lived where I lived because of how cheap it was. “Only $600 a month” I said and he fucking laughed “ha, that’s like more than my mortgage cost.” And I’m like yeah, you old ass motherfucker, I fucking know that. Thanks for tanking the economy and the housing market you baby booming piece of shit. Aaaaaanyhoo… Let’s take a positivity breath, because I feel like I’m about to burst into tears suddenly. *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* The other night when I was riding in the car with my mom she said “I told dad that next year for the holidays all we’re going to get for you kids is stuff for your houses.” Like… fuck. I would love so very fucking deeply to have an actual house by next year. My mom is trying really hard to make that happen for my brother and I, and fuck man… I would love that so much. I would love that so so so much. -deep breaths- Okay, I need to get the fuck back to work now. I might return sporadically because doing this helps keep me sane while I’m working for some reason. Like… why is more typing making you feel better about all the typing you have to do? I don’t know dude. I don’t know. Fuck.

8 done, 7 to go. I forgot I also had jury duty this morning lolololol. It was comparatively not too bad, everyone was relatively chill I guess? and I brought in biscochitos ¬†which everyone seemed to like, so that was cool. There were like 6 alternates it was weird. Still, no one gave me too much trouble, even the one alternate lady who seemed hell bent on trying to add extra charges to everyone. Like… dude… lady… chill. She was dressed all business non-casual too, like… dude… lady…chill.

9 done 6 to go. The same desperate, heart jolting feelings as I had as a teenager, but softened somehow by the horror of time. And time is all it takes. time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. **finger guns** let’s drink more fucking coffee!

10 down 5 to go. Can I actually do all of these before I pass the fuck out? Or would it be better if I like… try and take a hyperquick nap and then finish? can I even do that before they time out? I don’t fucking know. I probably shouldn’t do that tho. I should finish all fucking 5 of them and then queue up 5 more and then sleep and then queue up 5 more when I get up , so I can finish them all before they expire. I can’t cheat anymore and re-claim them because the client said they would take people off the project for doing that and I can’t afford to be taken off the project no fucking way.

11 to 4. Seriously, can I really do all these? Or is it too much? fuck, I dunno. I know I’m tired as fuck. I know my eyes hurt and my soul hurts and my brain hurts. My poor brain. Not enough sleep last night or the night before or tonight or tomorrow night. ~10 minute crying break~ *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* back to work

12 to 3. It still feels like so much. Should I just let these go and pick different ones and pick back up after a few hours sleep? Or should I push the fuck through and do one more or two (or three)? ¬†This is difficult. * skull emoji sleeping zzz guy emoji ghost emoji ghost emoji * Oh shit, so check this out, I just started writing two of them at once in two separate windows, and I’m gunna try switching back and forth between them, and fucking fight me yo.

14 to 1. That actually worked pretty well, doing two at once. I was a little worried that I might get them all mixed up in my head and fuck it up, but that didn’t happen. I dunno if it was really any faster than doing them individually?? but I think it might have been, and if nothing else it felt better for my brain I think. Sooo… one more to my goal. fuck. Right now I’m tied for *most in one day ever* and if I do one more I’ll have set a new goal and also made $300 in one day (assuming all of these make it past the editor okay, *knock on wood*)

15 to 0. Holy shit, I fucking did it. FUck, I really hope these all get accepted. I’m feeling pretty paranoid about it, but… at this point all I can do is wait and see. dude. wow. I just realized that in like 20 minutes it will have been 24 hours since I woke up for jury duty… and besides like an hour long nap I will have been awake that whole time. so… like… uuuh…. that’s funnnn. Okay, yeah. I’m going to go grab 5 more guides for my queue, and then I’m going to grab a few hours of sleep. peace.

 

floor plans and sticky hands

He-he-he-he-lo my soul is dying. Everything all at once and then nothing and then everything all at once. I’m tired and I did a trial for a new client but I can’t help thinking that I fucked it up. I can’t help thinking that I fuuuucked iiiiiiit uuuuuuup. -shrugs for a thousand years- we’ll see I guess. It’s too late hot plate already done. It’s cold, my hands are cold and they smell like fucking pine trees and skunks and I can’t wash it off. I need to write a ton more things but my brain is so sad and my eyes hurt and my soul hurts also. Busting through copyscape on technicalities, neglecting other assignments and trying to keep my head all shut up tight. More. I need to do more and to finish it all and to do more. It’s time and vines and porcupines. It’s flying all low to the ground on a new October night. Heart caught up beating throat raw and bleeding each second stretched to its limit and torn from me

Schrodaaaaaang

Still no word from an editor. Still no idea if I’m doing these even remotely correctly. Sooooo… that’s fun. I just keep on writing them and I have no idea what I’m doing and yeah. My mom’s birthday is on Sunday and I have no idea what to get her or anything. I don’t think my brother has any ideas either. Also I have seriously no money at all to buy her anything with… but that’s a problem for tomorrow Alison to deal with. Right now Alison is just gunna let it ride, and coast, like some kind of riding coasting ride. yeah. I *think* we’re going to meow wolf on the Monday after her birthday, but maybe on Sunday if my brother can’t get Monday off. Monday would be better because it’ll be way less crowded… but we’ll see what we can do. I’m really excited to go again. Like it makes my stomach flutter a little bit thinking about seeing it again and getting to show it to new people. I hope they like it like I like it, I really really do. I should put my meow wolf bumper sticker on, I keep forgetting to do it, that’s literally the only reason I haven’t. Let’s seeee… what else? Oh yeah… a new month brings new bills to pay, and lots of them. Like seriously…. so fucking many. It’s such a pain in the asshole to keep track of them. Every couple days it’s something. I want things to be different. I’m really tired. Like just feeling profoundly, deeply exhausted right now. This new assignment is not helping me at all with anything. I really really really really really hope I get something else soon. That would be great. Still feeling my grad school dream die by slow measures, and it feels pretty weird and bad. It’s been like… a couple weeks? and I still have to keep reminding myself that it’s not going to happen. That those futurevisions(tm) I planned out are not going to pan out. Let’s see… what else? Oh yeah, tomorrow is officially a month until the KSD show, a literal show that I’m literally singing in… so my brother and I should probably start practicing for it. yeah. I’ll try to see if we can carve out some time for that this weekend. It’s going to be a really cool show, I wish you guys could go but you are random strangers from the internet, so probably you can’t. Okay, I need to set my personal existential exhaustion aside and go write some more Schrodinger’s articles (they are both accepted and rejected until the editor checks the box)