Soooo I still haven’t heard back from my client who owes me $200, and who said there might be other types of work coming up that I’m interested in / need in order to have money. I sent her a second email yesterday evening, but have not heard back yet. I’m kinda (really) stressing about that. I need to work on lyrics for a song, I know Mike wants me to have them done and I want to have them done but I don’t yet. I just got back from the gym a few minutes ago. They gave me a new card a few days ago and when I went today they scanned the card and got all confused because it was registered to Robert ~somebody~ and not to me. Soooo that was fun. We got it straightened out. (I think) My life is super entertaining, Iiiiiii know. I want *things* and **thiiiiiingsssss** but it’s okay, I can deal. I was in the middle of a super sweet really graphic awesome style sex dream earlier but then someone texted me right at the best part and I woke up. Laaaame. I need to go get “personal wage records” from the ISD office and I’m also stressed about doing my taxes and I might owe money and that would fucking suck super fucking way mad hard. @______________@ I’m not even sure how to file as a “self-employed” person or what I’m required to claim and ugh. I just hate being an adult except that I can get in anywhere and drink alcohol. (but if I wasn’t an adult I probably wouldn’t feel the need to drink tbh.) Ooookay, yeeeeeeah. I’m done writing this now so I’m gunna go.
The people who manage my apartment complex finally turned on the AC yesterday, and that feels absolutely lovely and just awesome. Like as soon as they turned it on I took a three hour nap and it was the best I’ve slept in ages because I wasn’t fucking roasting. My little brother graduated from college on Saturday. I went to his graduation and it wasn’t nearly as long and boring as mine was 3 years ago. It was in a giant stadium and my family watched him with binoculars so we could tell when they were about to call his name. Afterwards we went out to lunch. My family still thought I had work to do on Saturday and Sunday, and I didn’t dis-illusion them of this notion, because it gave me the opportunity to spend the next two days engaging in a variety of sexual exploits without being disturbed. So… that happened, and was fun, and nice, but too bad the AC hadn’t been turned on earlier because the heat sorta stopped us from having a day long sex marathon. (Although my boyfriend did come up with a clever solution to cool us off while simultaneously sort of torturing me.) Let’s seee… what else? Oh, so last night I finally *did* hang out with my brother, and that was chill and fun and we drank a lot and watched all kinds of cartoons and a mythbusters and I showed him Dr. Horrible’s sing along blog which is awesome and I highly recommend. All in all it was a good night. I only have 6 articles for this week, which isn’t enough money wise… and I’m not sure what the deal is or if they are out or if she’s just being all like…. trying to make me write them sooner in the week? I dunno. No email or explanation or anything from article boss in a long time and I’m scared to email her first because… I just am okay? Sooo I’m planning on finishing these like… tomorrow and then emailing her and asking her if she has more. If she doesn’t then oh well I guess. @____@ …. I will figure something out probably. For right now I’m going to get to work and get some of these stupid things done.
Trying to concentrate on boring work stuff… but it’s haaard! I’m really distracted and I just want to play games and have sex and play sex games because those things are awesome and ohmygod. I’ve been having so much fun I feel sort of guilty for writing about it, like I’m bragging… but I really do want to write about how much fun I’ve been having. I feel like this is seriously the best my relationship has ever been. I feel … so not stressed about it and that is fucking lovely and luxurious. I just want to lay in this dude’s lap forever, or lean against his chest while he has an arm around me, or kneel on the floor at his feet and rest my head on his knee while he twines his fingers in my hair… -clears throat- erm… I mean… another normal thing that couples do! yeeeah.
But seriously you guys, it’s been fuckin’ sweet. I have lots of scratches all over my body and they are sort of itchy and mildly painful and annoying and I love it. Hell yeah, I’ll take 100 more. It has felt normal and natural and good to fall into this role. Better than it ever has, less pretension, less apprehension, more structure. He holds me accountable for things, which is amazing and makes me feel all loved and good and safe (and also turns me on more than it probably should.) -deep breaths- -deeeeep breaths- -mental cold shower-
This week is going to be really busy and crazy and hectic. Tons of stuff to do, I have a huge paper due on Wednesday and 15 articles due Friday and I have not started either of these things. Took one final today, going to take 2 more by the end of the night. We have early morning obligations on Saturday, so we won’t be able to do an epic three day long scene… but that’s okay.
Its cold outside for the first time in DAYS and I love it and I’m shivvvvering (from 50% cold and 50% … other reasons I think) I had hella weird crazy detailed sex themed dreams last night that sort of blended with reality and left me vaguely confused and sort of extra … yeeeah, anyway… I should get back to work. Also I’m going to put more clothes on because it’s suddenly cold… and I basically sit around mostly naked through the summer months.
I have so so so so so much work to do today, and yet here I am! chillin’ on the interwebs and such. The next ‘couple days are going to be very difficult as well. Buuut I’m going to make $375 for 3 days worth of work, which is none too fucking shabby. If this job was more reliable, and I knew FOR SURE that I could write as many guides as I wanted every week forever, it would be the best fucking job in the world. As is, even with how unreliable it is, it’s still pretty fucking good. I’m getting PAID TO WRITE SHIT. Not difficult. Whenever the hell I want to write. Weird ass random boring topics, but easy. Anyway, I need to take a shower and then get back to work, but I totally don’t want to because it is boring. I’m also sort of dying to do a scene, with kinky stuff, because it’s been a while and I want it and I don’t want to lose our momentum because it’s important to me. I taste his fingers still and I am maybe a little bit insane. >>>>>___<<<<<<<
Feeling overwhelmed with other people’s work as well as my own. I don’t want to do this and my soul feels like it’s getting crushed and this whole next week is just going to be full of me sitting in front of my laptop typing things. I just want to procrastinate and go out for food and be in the world and not do this work at all. I just want to have an all day sex marathon and not go out in the world and only leave the bed for short breaks and just fuck literally all day long and not do this work at all.
I love my boyfriend, because he is awesome, and I sound like a 15 year old girl but I don’t even give a shit. He really is awesome, and I never got a chance to say that sort of thing when I was a 15 year old girl, but I get to now. I feel lucky and happy to have him and he made me scream so loud the neighbors pounded on the wall but it was like 4 in the morning so I can’t really blame them. We fit well together, in so many ways. Things have been amazing lately. We’ve been doing lots of kinky stuff and it’s been… everything I ever wanted out of that kind of exchange, but never knew how to get. I feel fulfilled and just good. It’s weird which parts I find I relish. One of my favorite things that happened last night, right before we went upstairs we were talking about pain and punishments and he was trying to explain a concept to me and get me to think about it critically but I was not actually putting effort into trying to think critically. We got upstairs and I could tell he was sort of mad at me, so I asked him if he was. He said he was irritated with my lack of trying and I realized he was right. We talked about the importance this dynamic plays in our relationship and I apologized, and told him he was right, and I laid my head on his lap and he messed with my hair and I felt genuinely sorry, but the thing is I enjoy feeling genuinely sorry and it gives me this certain very unique feeling twist of dark pleasure that touches me in a deep place. It’s weird and at times highly confusing and sort of bad… but there is nothing quite like it. Anyway, I’m recording it terribly, but that whole interaction and just hearing him talk about how important this is to him was just… good. Special. Afterward we continued on with a myriad of activities of a sexual and somewhat violent nature, eventually culminating in an orgasm that made the neighbors bang on the wall at 4 in the morning. I look forward to the next scene we do. Tonight, we are watching Hannibal and maybe more game of thrones (My love is finally watching it with me, and I’m waiting for him to catch up before I watch the new ones… which is taking a decent amount of patience. 😛 )
This break has been really really nice, even though it wasn’t as productive as I wanted it to be in some areas. It was extremely successful and fulfilling sexually. I used to write about my kinky sex life all the time on xanga, when xanga used to be a thing. I had friendslock on and I was totally comfortable writing that stuff and I enjoyed it and actually got a lot out of it, it helped me reflect on the activities and pinpoint what did it for me, why I liked specific things, and other stuff. Anyway, I dunno how comfortable I feel doing that kind of junk here. SO MANY random strangers follow this blog, but I am fairly anonymous style, so maybe I will go for it. I dunno. I keep having flashbacks of last night, and they are good. Really intense, really fun. An itinerary is a fairly accurate description of the list of specific tasks I am given to complete. It keeps me on track to know exactly what is expected of me and it erases so many of the weird stupid thoughts and feelings I would always get hung up on. Knowing exactly what is expected of me, and that these expectations will be enforced is incredibly comforting to me and it frees me of anxiety and allows me to live in the moment and just try my best, and feel, and learn, and improve, and enjoy what I’m feeling without thought pollution. The sex itself was fantastic, even though it’s only a part of the whole experience for me. Doing kinky stuff just… satisfies a part of me that I get so used to having unsatisfied that I sort of almost forget I’m even feeling that way, until it happens and I am fulfilled and everything feels different. We were in the store today, picking out some alcohol for later, and I just laid my head on my boyfriend’s shoulder and hugged him and totally went away for a minute. I’m me and I’m his and I glide through the world.