Nightdreams and marescapes

And in dreams I can’t work numbers
In dreams I know it’s wrong
There is a lion in the side yard
Of my childhood home
The upstairs of my apartment
Is in my childhood home
And I can’t work numbers
And I know it’s wrong
An unexpected visitor
A screaming intruder on the porch
Of my childhood home
A horror secret buried across
From my childhood home
And I can’t work my phone
And I know that it’s wrong

Nighthought

I applied for that thing. We’ll see what happens with that, if anything. Going to meet my dad at the zoo tomorrow, because he’s the only family member I haven’t taken on a zoo excursion with my free pass thing yet. My brother wants to go with me on Friday to pull a new strut from a dead volvo. He said he would buy it for me, which is cool since I have literally zero monies right now. ZeRo MoNiEs. So maybe that will happen, we’ll see. Maybe if we go early enough we could go into Rio to do the whole thing on Friday and I could do a bunch of laundry because all of my clothes are dirty at this point and I’ve shower washed some of my more delicate items and it’s really fucking annoying overall. Again, we’ll see. I shaved a couple seconds off my all time best 2 mile elliptical time today, so that’s cool. Hey, I’m really tired but I should work some more on my personal style project. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired.

though process and processing thoughts

I’m mainly writing this to comfort myself, because I find it calming for some reason. All the coffee I drank is keeping me awake, but it’s also making my anxiety go off like woah. LIKE WOAH SON. I have a lot more work I need to do still. Five more and I should have enough to pay my rent, with about $15 left over. Yeah. But that’s not really enough for like… being a person… and paying all the other fucking bills I have to take care of. Man, being an adult is so tiring. Like so draining. It would be cool if I had more time to do some tomorrow, but it’s passover and I have familial obligations. I’m planning on only getting four hours sleep, so I can do as many as possible and things of that nature. I’m getting really fast at them, but still. It’s draining.

Bam. rent money number unlocked. Completed. That was the bare minimum that I needed to do and I did it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah for me and sweet style cool things. 80 fucking product descriptions in less than 48 hours. Holy shit and also damn  these things suuuuccckkkk huge dongs. I’m tired and wired and I guess I’m going to keep going. Shoot for at least 10 more before catching a few hours sleep? I originally wanted to make it to 100 tonight, but idk if that’s practical… me staying awake and being able to think-wise. It’s okay tho. I feel a bit relieved since I made it to 80. I wonder how many other people are working on this project with me. I wonder how they feel about it. Judging by the fact that the pool hasn’t shrunk much in the last couple hours, most of them are asleep right now.

85 mothafuckaaas! I’m tiny riiiick! Time to party!! (help, let me out, this is not a dance) I’m so cool and awesome and writing stuff for a living is gr9 (I’m begging for help, I’m screaming for help) I want to do it forever!! Time to queue up five more! (I’m dying in a vat in the garage!) 

Okay!! We’re at 90 now. It’s 5am. I’m going to try and do a little of the sleep thing. Super cool, please edit them now editors and pay me. much sleep tired brain. Actually sleep hopefully will happen? I can only do a small few hours worth. But I will do the hours.

 

 

existentialism on a work night

Hahaha haha you guys, you guys,  I’m seriously delirious from being so tired. It’s pretty funny for reals. Like everything is funny to me right now but it’s not really funny at all but it kinda is. hahahahahahahahah I have so much fucking work to do and my brain is all BzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzz PsSShhhhhSSSHhhhhhsssSHHssshhhh and I’m all eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Writing stuff is cool, except for when you have to write a bunch of product descriptions, basically making products that you hate and think are super uncool sound good and appealing. That’s what I mean when I say I feel like I’m using my writing for evil. Furthering capitalist agendas, creating more demand for shit made under unethical working conditions in foreign countries. Did some kid in Taiwan have to make more pairs of headphones because I wrote a really good description for those headphones and more people wanted to buy them?  It fucks me up to think about it. It makes my soul feel dirty but at the same time like…. here’s little me in my house, (and by house I mean shitty old one bedroom apartment that’s basically falling apart) and I gotta pay to live in this hollow space between walls, I gotta do something and my marketable skills are minimal. Here’s what I can do. I can write anything you need, any length about any topic. “it’s cool because you sound like an expert on everything you write about, but you only researched it for like 10 seconds”  And someone wants to pay me to do that. And I have to live in a capitalistic world, just like headphone making kid goes. But the unbelievably unlikely string of incidents that lead to us both being born were different. And she’s putting in an 18 hour day gluing ear pads made of pressure-relieving urethane foam over  headphone speakers… while I sit hunched over this laptop explaining how this unique design makes these specific headphones ideal for extended wear.

9,000 lines

Of links curated. Only 2,531 left to go. (1,000 before I can sleep. the rest tomorrow.) It’s been so much and felt so… Thick. Fucking digging through them with a dull toothpick. I’m low low low on sleep, and hoping for 4 hours tonight, if I’m lucky. Shiver from anxiety and too much coffee and cold? My body decided to reject the meal I fed it… So okay. I’ll just chew some gum and try to forget that sensation. At least my snake ate successfully. It’s amazing how just sitting here doing this can hurt my body so much, but it does. each position I sit in is comfortable for less and less time. So I make it a game, a fun fun game. You can move after you finish 100 lines, not before. (but my arms are falling asleep!) well then, you better fucking hurry right? Sometimes I adjust my position without thinking if my concentration slips, and then I’m like… damn, I lost. {Sooooo it’s like… mental self-bondage?} heh yeah I guess, whatever. Don’t try to fucking analyze me so much man, just let me do weird shit in peace.  I can feel my perception slipping toward irrationality, seeing shit out of the corners of my eyes and my thinking just feels weird, off. I want to take a crying cruise around the neighborhood, or the city, or the state maybe. A weeping walk, a sobbing stroll.  come now darling, come on. Only 500 more before you can sleep. Just a stone’s splash compared to what you’ve done so far. 500 more and you can sleep. 400 now. There you are my dear, my delicate flower. Just keep going. There you go precious dove, just 300 more. You’re so close you gentle disaster you. Yes! 200! Please, keep going. Please, do it quickly my radiant moonbeam. I am so tired. There we are you cinnamon dusted cappuccino, only 100 left. Home stretch and all that. Don’t stop dear heart. Yes. Yes. You’ve done it. you’ve finally done it. Please try to sleep now

Sleep little sleepies

Wi-Fi is down, burning data hoping I can sleep soon. Luckily my 3M cloud library app has an offline mode so I can still read under the covers like a child. It’s an awesome app for people who have a library card and enjoy reading books for free. I surprised my parents tonight by showing up at their house after my mom semi jokingly invited me. They were all happy about it. It was pretty fun, I stayed for a few hours and helped them prepare the house for my aunt and uncle who are arriving tomorrow night. Things and thoughts and I feel pretty weird from lack of sleep… yet, here I am. I hope I can have some nice dreams. Please? That would be so lovely.

My wallet in a can

I’ve been having such morbid thoughts lately. It’s really not cool. It’s fucking me up kinda. Morbid thoughts and weird dreams, and I’m still wicked new at being a snake owner (less than 2 months) and I’m still learning and doing my best. I know her viv has A+ conditions I’m not worried about that. Just a little worried about handling and reading her body language and when the hell is she guna shed she’s been out of blue for a few days she even ate on Saturday but she hasn’t shed yet as far as I can tell. Haven’t found a shed that is. ~ shrugs for a thousand years ~ idk. I just don’t wanna stress her out by handling her really while she’s in shed, but I hate going so long without handling her since I was working so hard to get her chill and comfortable with my. Idk. Idk Jack. Still haven’t even told my parents I have her lol the longer I wait and the bigger she gets the more awkward that could be. But whatever. I’m an adult I have my own place I can make my own decisions even if they don’t understand them / approve of them. *air guitar solo* *writes this on my phone while hiding under a blanket so the light doesn’t wake up my boyfriend* *gets really hot and claustrophobic and starts freaking out* *heart pounds* soooo yeah guess I’ll be done with this then aay? Sweet dreams, good tomorrows.