extol

Today is my five year wordpress anniversary. That seems bizarre and impossible, but also sort of not. It’s almost 3am. It smells like rain. I’m working on a paper. I only need to have like 3 pages of it done, and then I can sleep, and finish the other 3-4 pages tomorrow, before 6:40 in the evening, when I have to get ready for a tour. It’s honestly crazy how overwhelmed I can feel sometimes. Like… just… about everything. About the state of everyone I love. About words that I have to put down on a page and words I have to speak out loud to strangers, again. About what’s happening on someone else’s little fucking pocket rectangle. About water, roaches, food, teeth, skin, doctors, the animals in my care, parking, neighbors, clothing, communication, credit cards, electricity, internet, rent, contracts, home repair, cool air, hair, the unstoppable and horrifying march of time, music, gas, car maintenance, fear.

This is a weird list and I don’t know. But I do know that I feel overwhelmed and honestly, pretty lost. Trying to push forward, to do the things I know I need to do, to the best of my abilities, and trying to do right by myself, whatever that means. Trust, as best as I can, my heart and my guts, and let everything else fall away or fall into place. I don’t know. I don’t even know what i’m saying lol. What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what.

I know it’s late, and I’m fucking tired, and in an ideal world I would be asleep in 45 minutes. But this is not that type of world, sadly, and it’s likely that the only way I could make that happen would be to not even get close on my paper length goal here. That’s really not acceptable, so yeah. I guess I’m going to just be awake as long as it takes.

Maybe I should make a playlist, like I used to do back in some old times. It was nice and good and I liked it, and maybe I should bring it back. I’m thinking about it mostly because I’m hearing and thumbing some new music. Also, because maybe it will make me feel a way that I would like to feel? ((lol… how exactly would I even like to feel?))

OooooooooooOOoooooookay. With the help of a couple ideas and a fairly long direct quote, I officially made it past my 3 page goal. Sooooooo yeah. I think it would be in my best interest to let myself go to sleep now, and grab as much sleep as I can manage to get. Hopefully my brain will be cool, and not make that way harder than it should be. Peace.

 

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worning

Worn and worn down. Got the night off tomorrow which is really really nice, after that it’s all on call and I have no idea how that’s going to shake out. But I’m getting used to it??? I think??? sort of??? I do better and better every time, that’s a true fact. Now I’m here, at home, and I just realized that I have a discussion board assignment due in like 45 minutes. That’s tight. Also, I have to finish my stupid bio for the tour website, also, I have to clean and oil my gun and load mags and lock it back up in it’s secret safe. My life is weird. Today has been… weird. It’s amazing how draining just … being in the sun for an extended period of time can be. I used sunscreen but I still look darkened, possibly burnt. I have a bruise on my shoulder. I thought my dad was exaggerating about that recoil but he was not. Okay, I finished the discussion, now I have to reply to some other peoples’, but that’s not due ’till the 5th, but I should probably just take care of it tonight so I can not worry about that. I just paid rent, and internet, and electricity, and credit card bills, so peace out $800 lmfaooooooo RIP. RIP. RIP. RIP. Okay, whatever. I don’t have to pay anything else ’till the 15th, and I should be okay, as long as I chill the fuck out and stop spending money on shit lmao. There’s so much stuff I want, it really sucks being broke all the time. I want a new bed, a new mattress, because ours is faaaairrrllyyyy terrible at this point in time. I want a new couch, for the same reason. I want a .22 and a leopard gecko, and a second car for a 2 person household. Buuut, oh well. At the moment this list isn’t helpful, at all, so I’m just going to move on. I need to deposit my ghost check. Tomorrow I would love to have just a fun, chill day, maybe go see IT, maybe just straight chill. I really need to hit up the zoo and aquarium some more times. I really do. I should put effort into that soon. Like… real soon. Fuck, I’m tired yo.  Okay, finished my bio. It’s short, but like, whatever… it’s probably fine. One more response to someone’s discussion post and I’m DONE, nothing else due ’till Sunday (a lot of stuff on Sunday and I need to work throughout the week, but I can prrrobably safely take tomorrow fully off. *knocks on wood*) Okay, done with my discussion. Now I just have to do some quick gun maintenance, and I can go to bed. peace.

:-* 

Is this a place I’ve been in a dream? Do I dream now? No. Painfully clearly no. A strange and jarring alarm will sound in just a half hour. I’ve slept only an hour, but finished three assignments. It’s strange again to be a student. It’s strange again. A good day. Visits with friends and family. All of them want to see me. All of them want to see me perform. I am less afraid to disappoint than I was just yesterday. It’s all building and bubbling and coming together. Two days off after tomorrow. The note was very nice. A good surprise for me and only me and love. It’s stupid probably, but sometimes it bothers me to think that maybe there are people out there in the world wishing that I was out of the picture. Wondering in their little secret hearts what could be if I was. I imagine I feel the phantoms of their negative thoughts about me, fluttering like moth wings, alighting on my shoulders and leaving a powder fine residue behind. I dunno. Ten minutes and ten seconds now until a warp core collapse. I’m at the point in my new piercing’s healing process where I have to start disregarding the prescribed aftercare. I know what works for my body. I know what sort of aftercare I need. 

Nightdreams and marescapes

And in dreams I can’t work numbers
In dreams I know it’s wrong
There is a lion in the side yard
Of my childhood home
The upstairs of my apartment
Is in my childhood home
And I can’t work numbers
And I know it’s wrong
An unexpected visitor
A screaming intruder on the porch
Of my childhood home
A horror secret buried across
From my childhood home
And I can’t work my phone
And I know that it’s wrong

Nighthought

I applied for that thing. We’ll see what happens with that, if anything. Going to meet my dad at the zoo tomorrow, because he’s the only family member I haven’t taken on a zoo excursion with my free pass thing yet. My brother wants to go with me on Friday to pull a new strut from a dead volvo. He said he would buy it for me, which is cool since I have literally zero monies right now. ZeRo MoNiEs. So maybe that will happen, we’ll see. Maybe if we go early enough we could go into Rio to do the whole thing on Friday and I could do a bunch of laundry because all of my clothes are dirty at this point and I’ve shower washed some of my more delicate items and it’s really fucking annoying overall. Again, we’ll see. I shaved a couple seconds off my all time best 2 mile elliptical time today, so that’s cool. Hey, I’m really tired but I should work some more on my personal style project. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired.

though process and processing thoughts

I’m mainly writing this to comfort myself, because I find it calming for some reason. All the coffee I drank is keeping me awake, but it’s also making my anxiety go off like woah. LIKE WOAH SON. I have a lot more work I need to do still. Five more and I should have enough to pay my rent, with about $15 left over. Yeah. But that’s not really enough for like… being a person… and paying all the other fucking bills I have to take care of. Man, being an adult is so tiring. Like so draining. It would be cool if I had more time to do some tomorrow, but it’s passover and I have familial obligations. I’m planning on only getting four hours sleep, so I can do as many as possible and things of that nature. I’m getting really fast at them, but still. It’s draining.

Bam. rent money number unlocked. Completed. That was the bare minimum that I needed to do and I did it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah for me and sweet style cool things. 80 fucking product descriptions in less than 48 hours. Holy shit and also damn  these things suuuuccckkkk huge dongs. I’m tired and wired and I guess I’m going to keep going. Shoot for at least 10 more before catching a few hours sleep? I originally wanted to make it to 100 tonight, but idk if that’s practical… me staying awake and being able to think-wise. It’s okay tho. I feel a bit relieved since I made it to 80. I wonder how many other people are working on this project with me. I wonder how they feel about it. Judging by the fact that the pool hasn’t shrunk much in the last couple hours, most of them are asleep right now.

85 mothafuckaaas! I’m tiny riiiick! Time to party!! (help, let me out, this is not a dance) I’m so cool and awesome and writing stuff for a living is gr9 (I’m begging for help, I’m screaming for help) I want to do it forever!! Time to queue up five more! (I’m dying in a vat in the garage!) 

Okay!! We’re at 90 now. It’s 5am. I’m going to try and do a little of the sleep thing. Super cool, please edit them now editors and pay me. much sleep tired brain. Actually sleep hopefully will happen? I can only do a small few hours worth. But I will do the hours.

 

 

existentialism on a work night

Hahaha haha you guys, you guys,  I’m seriously delirious from being so tired. It’s pretty funny for reals. Like everything is funny to me right now but it’s not really funny at all but it kinda is. hahahahahahahahah I have so much fucking work to do and my brain is all BzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzz PsSShhhhhSSSHhhhhhsssSHHssshhhh and I’m all eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Writing stuff is cool, except for when you have to write a bunch of product descriptions, basically making products that you hate and think are super uncool sound good and appealing. That’s what I mean when I say I feel like I’m using my writing for evil. Furthering capitalist agendas, creating more demand for shit made under unethical working conditions in foreign countries. Did some kid in Taiwan have to make more pairs of headphones because I wrote a really good description for those headphones and more people wanted to buy them?  It fucks me up to think about it. It makes my soul feel dirty but at the same time like…. here’s little me in my house, (and by house I mean shitty old one bedroom apartment that’s basically falling apart) and I gotta pay to live in this hollow space between walls, I gotta do something and my marketable skills are minimal. Here’s what I can do. I can write anything you need, any length about any topic. “it’s cool because you sound like an expert on everything you write about, but you only researched it for like 10 seconds”  And someone wants to pay me to do that. And I have to live in a capitalistic world, just like headphone making kid goes. But the unbelievably unlikely string of incidents that lead to us both being born were different. And she’s putting in an 18 hour day gluing ear pads made of pressure-relieving urethane foam over  headphone speakers… while I sit hunched over this laptop explaining how this unique design makes these specific headphones ideal for extended wear.