Nightmares and nap-mares all in and over me. Things that break my heart, and myself just screaming until my voice gives out. It carries into the waking day. How can i ever feel… Like I’m enough? How can i make myself feel like I’m whole and complete and enough? Smoke, and the sparkling crackle of not quite dry things burning. Watching rows and rows of stubborn weeds bow and shrink before the flame. Shrink into nothing but ash. Good. Die. Victory in a battle I’ve fought for months. I need real work. I need real money. I don’t t want to lead tours anymore. Time to sleep. Dreams, please, be gentle with me.
(crying lightning) Heywhat’supyouguys? (yes) Back at it again with not knowing what the fuck I’m doing about stuff! Three more days ’till I get my financial aid money in, which is cool. Being a person is fucking rough bro. It’s rough. Really, I need to focus on myself, on improving the things I want to improve about myself. I need to focus on my personal goals, and do the best I can in that sphere, instead of constantly, literally, fucking constantly, obsessing over things that ultimately aren’t in my control. I can do what I can, I can be honest to myself, I can try my true full best to communicate my thoughts and feelings, but that’s it. It’s fucking unhealthy to constantly, basically almost every single second I’m awake, obsess over shit that’s out of my control. Obsessing over ways I could try to control it? or just… again…playing worst case scenarios in my brain again and again, and then getting upset about them. It’s fucking bullshit. I need to change what I can change, work on being the version of myself that I want to fucking be. I need to hold that in the forefront of my mind, and let other shit go. Let it pass and shift and flow around me, without consuming me. (
easier said than done brain bro) yeah, I know. But still. It’s a true fact, and a goal. Ugh. I should go to bed at this point. I honestly barely even know what the fuck I’m talking about any more. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m tired. I need to decide, pretty soon, if I want to go for a PHD or not. Like… it would be cool to have a pretty huge dick, I could be a Real Professor if I had a pretty huge dick, buuut do I want to go to school for that long? to get a pretty huge dick? I dunno. But i need to decide kinda fairly soon. I want to pump myself up with positivity, work on myself and my projects. It’s important.
Blood in my gums
Worms in my heart
(The kind my son can’t eat)
I’ll fight off monsters
I’ll tear them apart
(I’m only scared of me)
Hundreds of thousands
I’ll cut shape and build
(From things you’ll have to read)
I won’t cringe at the tally
Of things that you’ve killed
(I’m only scared of me)
“Share your story here” okay WordPress. Once upon a time it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the 5 articles I promised to deliver. And I really should have been asleep, but I couldn’t fucking sleep, because my brain was awash in thought and ideas and images and full formed games and half formed plans. I start to blame myself. I wasn’t engaging enough. I didn’t inspire enough feeling. And maybe that’s true, and definitely I could always improve, but it’s not fucking useful to berate myself. It’s new still and I’m new at it, still. But I’m good. I have a true spark and flame and flare for it. I found it and it’s mine and I’m finding more of it still. I want to be strong. I want muscles and muscles and it feels good to want that. I have everything I need to forge ahead. I have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
Here I am again, another night of writing shit for money. I am very very tired, but I still have … like… 8 fucking articles that I have to write before I can sleep, because I procrastinated a shit ton and didn’t do anything yesterday… or today during the day. So now here I am. Hold up. Okay, three done, five to go. It’s almost midnight. Lol. this sucks. In an ideal world, I would be done with this in 2 hours, by 1:45, so I can snag like two hours of sleep before waking up to be a Good Significant Other(tm). Buuuuut I dunno if that’s really possible or not. These are like… bottom of the barrel articles. Weird, obscure topics that are harder for me to write about. Still, I’ll do what I can. Okay. here we go. Lmao I’m writing about fucking toilet parts and stroller boards (which are apparently a thing you can attach to a stroller for like a toddler to stand on or whatever. I literally had no idea it was a thing until about 3 minutes ago) Mkay, those are done. 3 to go. It’s 12:30. We’ll see what happens I guess. Okay, 2 to go, but now it’s 1:15. I’m Very Tired. lol. lol. lol. C’mon, I can do it. I’ve written 6 of these fucking things since I got home from my tour. Okay. Last round. let’s finish it. Wrenches and water filters. Okay. done. done. okay. I had more stuff I wanted to write, but I’m fucking exhausted and it’s 2:15, so peace.
I should be doing homework, but I’m not, and that’s like… whateva, ya know? I have lots of stuff and it’s all whateva. Next week is apparently fall break? I guess? and I think I’ll be able to hopefully catch up on some shit. Yeah, whateva. I’ll do some shit tomorrow. Ummmmm yeah. okay. Today was pretty productive overall, and I spent some time with my family. It was good. I’m fucking obsessed with rope stuff right now. Like there are so many fucking ties I want to try right now that I’m sort of overwhelmed with it. I don’t even know where to start or what I should try next. I did some practice last night and it was really good. I’m thinking maybe a full torso diamond tie, even though I know that could only be worn for a short amount of time, or like a full body ladder, but that could probably be worn for even less time lol. I just want to learn a bunch of shit, honestly. I’m like way too pre-occupied with it. I want to learn all the basic and intermediate knots and all the possible combos really, haha, dude. Like I don’t think I can really express how pre-occupied with it I am, but there’s just so much. It’s hard to know where to start, what to try next. yeah. okay. okay. yeah. I’m currently waiting for my nail polish to dry so I can go upstairs, go to bed or whatever. I dunno. I wonder if I’m actually going to have a tour tomorrow or not. It’s weird. If I don’t have one I should for sure for sure go to the gym. I need to be getting more exercise. Also I need to take everyone to the zoo or aquarium still lol. HaaaaaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaaa! I should for sure figure out what the fuck is going on about both of the 15 page papers that I have!!! I should!! For sure!! fucking deal with that. I have to come up with whole ass topics for both of them basically. I have ideas for one but fucking goose egg for the other one. My nail polish needs to hurry the fuck up and dry. It’s the “#christmasdomme” polish that the S.O picked out for me. Ugh. I’m feeling so hype and manic right now and thinking about too much stuff. I need to make more fucking money. I need to figure out when to sign up for more classes, grad school style. Oh shit, looks like I can do pre-enrollment basically whenever. Maybe I will do that soon style. Anyway, yeah. cool. I should go upstairs and like try to sleep now or what the fuck ever. Okay, peace.
Holy shit you guys. I’m suddenly feeling soooooooo fucking overwhelmed. Let’s make a list of ALL THE THINGS I have to do and also things that are happening.
- 5 freelance articles due by Monday, I’m trying to knock out some (if not all) of those tonight
- Another client keeps bugging me about that weird side project, that I really don’t have time to do, but they are threatening to exclude people who don’t do more from the next part of the project
- Weekly assignments due Sunday/Monday in two classes
- I tried to take the weekly quiz for a class and the internet briefly died after I finished the second question and the quiz was automatically submitted so I got a fucking 2/10. I e-mailed the professor and hopefully he will be cool and let me re-take it, but who fucking knows.
- I have an ACTUAL FUCKING PAPER due on Sunday, that requires 3 sources and a works cited and all of that shit. LMAO fuck.
- I’m scheduled for a tour on Saturday night and there is a high probability that I will have to do one tomorrow night as well.
- I need to work on getting all the stories down… like… within the next few days.
- My fucking drivers license will be officially expired tomorrow, so I gotta make it down to the MVD and deal with that shit.
- I’m having issues dealing with a financial aid thing that I’m trying to get and they are being difficult difficult lemon difficult.
So yeah, I’m like… feeling super fucking overwhelmed. Also I’m pretty sure my period is about to start in the next few days, which is definitely definitely not helping me feel stable and calm. I’m having emotions and thinking about personal life shit and it’s all too much man. I’m trying really hard not to freak the fuck out tbh. I’m even feeling some bullshit self destructive urges which hasn’t happened in a while. I need to chill out and I need to fucking work. So that’s what I’m going to try to do right now, for the next few hours. I might update this or I might not, we’ll see. peace.
*update* 1:50am. Wrote all 5 freelance articles. Didn’t do any of the weird side project but might spend a few minutes knocking some out before I go to bed. My plan is to *hopefully* *knocks on wood* get that quiz sorted tomorrow and finish everything else for that class and go deal with my drivers’ license. Then I’ll have Saturday before my tour and Sunday before Kansas midnight to do the paper. The shit that’s due on Monday I’ll do on Monday before Kansas midnight. That’s my plan. That’s the plan. We’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see. Okay, night. *Update again* lmao I forgot to figure out when I’m going to make time to write out / memorize / practice all my ghost stories. Lmao. I guess I’ll just have to cram that in somewhere. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. Okay, peace for realz