And I want this night

I can hear your foot-falls now
soft disturbance in the dead-fall how
it proceeds you like a black smoke pall
(still the wanting comes in waves)

I spent a good portion of the evening in Santa Fe, having dinner with my brother’s girlfriend’s family. They invited my parents and stuff, just to be nice I guess? Since their daughter / step daughter has been living with my brother for a few months, which is pretty serious relationship stuff. They are really nice people, in a really beautiful house that they literally built themselves. Very liberal people, all in all I approve of them if my brother decides to marry her eventually. This was the first time I had seen them since our album came out, and they kept telling me how much they liked it and they thought my voice sounded good and I was just like… wow, thanks! Surprised and glad and really bad at taking compliments. It felt pretty awesome to hear them say all that stuff tho, people I barely know, with such warmth and honesty and enthusiasm. It was an injection of positivity at a time I really needed one. They have a lot of dogs and I let them all jump all over me. Held the small ones in my lap when they let me. Hugged everyone goodbye and felt [hugged]. Drove the long drive home in pattering rain, trying not to let my heart wallow in feelings like the bad old days. In thoughts like the bad old days (he hasn’t texted me back in over an hour I wonder if he’s fucking dead) I can’t be a robot through everything. My strength is a limited resource, even though I act like it’s not and in some adrenaline fueled moments feel like it’s not. I know that it is and sometimes I glimpse the edges (and as I do I am afraid.)

I need to go to the gym, and get snake food, and figure out the phone thing. I need to tweak my resume and apply for things. I need to set up my winter snake room soon soon soon.

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