extol

Today is my five year wordpress anniversary. That seems bizarre and impossible, but also sort of not. It’s almost 3am. It smells like rain. I’m working on a paper. I only need to have like 3 pages of it done, and then I can sleep, and finish the other 3-4 pages tomorrow, before 6:40 in the evening, when I have to get ready for a tour. It’s honestly crazy how overwhelmed I can feel sometimes. Like… just… about everything. About the state of everyone I love. About words that I have to put down on a page and words I have to speak out loud to strangers, again. About what’s happening on someone else’s little fucking pocket rectangle. About water, roaches, food, teeth, skin, doctors, the animals in my care, parking, neighbors, clothing, communication, credit cards, electricity, internet, rent, contracts, home repair, cool air, hair, the unstoppable and horrifying march of time, music, gas, car maintenance, fear.

This is a weird list and I don’t know. But I do know that I feel overwhelmed and honestly, pretty lost. Trying to push forward, to do the things I know I need to do, to the best of my abilities, and trying to do right by myself, whatever that means. Trust, as best as I can, my heart and my guts, and let everything else fall away or fall into place. I don’t know. I don’t even know what i’m saying lol. What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what.

I know it’s late, and I’m fucking tired, and in an ideal world I would be asleep in 45 minutes. But this is not that type of world, sadly, and it’s likely that the only way I could make that happen would be to not even get close on my paper length goal here. That’s really not acceptable, so yeah. I guess I’m going to just be awake as long as it takes.

Maybe I should make a playlist, like I used to do back in some old times. It was nice and good and I liked it, and maybe I should bring it back. I’m thinking about it mostly because I’m hearing and thumbing some new music. Also, because maybe it will make me feel a way that I would like to feel? ((lol… how exactly would I even like to feel?))

OooooooooooOOoooooookay. With the help of a couple ideas and a fairly long direct quote, I officially made it past my 3 page goal. Sooooooo yeah. I think it would be in my best interest to let myself go to sleep now, and grab as much sleep as I can manage to get. Hopefully my brain will be cool, and not make that way harder than it should be. Peace.

 

gallery forest

I’ve lots of things I should be writing, feel like writing. The Novel(tm) should be taking precedence probably, but… I also want to write a short horror story. (5k to 10k words, so, really… not all that short) but I don’t exactly have a plot for it, I just saw a place was looking for them. May 1st deadline. Could be interesting, could be fun. Also for a while I’ve been wanting to write an informative / funny blog on here about How Not To Die When Riding Your Bike Through A Busy City At Night, but I keep not actually doing it. When I return from such bike rides the shower calls to me and then something else will come up and then suddenly I’m over it for the moment. I want to write long, longwinded, redundant, rambling passages exploring my nature. About my body and its visceral reactions. About how such exchanges go beyond enjoyment, and I come alive to all that it is to be myself. I could devote pages and chapters trying to explain it better, but I don’t know that I would be able to. Unstrung and yet played. A tune that swells and recedes but the heart chords always sing out the same. this too, this too is you. *clears throat* as I was saying, I have a slew of ideas and vague things on my writing plate at the moment, but I seem to be having trouble delving too deeply into any of them. I need to, though. I need to. And I need paying work, preferably the kind without a one month delay. I need that terribly, desperately badly. I mislike having my ONE selling fluids, though it seems needful at this moment. I feel … cowardly for not feeling up to trying it myself. We will have to wait and see, I suppose, how things play out. For now I should swallow down this pink and white capsule, and give myself over to sleep.

Fun and function

Working more and more and more. Feeling fairly lousy and just trying to work through it. Right now I’m actually feeding a snake while I do this. Waiting for her meal to heat up, writing some shit about hotels, yeah. My life is pretty weird. I’m sooo fucking emotional right now, from lack of sleep and forcing my brain to do this constantly, and just general anxiety I guess?? Idk. Anyway, you guys know I fucking hate weddings like sooo much, like so fucking much. But for some reason?? that I’m attributing to my emotional state?? for a split second this phrase made me kinda wanna have a wedding. “Champagne and an assortment of fresh fruit and cheese will await you after the reception in your guest room” Like… that just sounds… so nice to me??? But…. I could just… make those things happen without having to get married lol. {Right Brainright now we need to shut off our human emotions. we need to turn ourself into a cold, robotic typing machine in order to complete this task. Do you understand? } Okay, okaaay left brain! Jeeeeeze. Just give me a minute here to finish what I was saying. {Your proposal is unacceptable. Initiating emotional shut down. Energy will be diverted to reading comprehension, sentence phrasing, and typing skills. Begin work now.} Emotional wipe confirmed. Now reappropriating energy and initiating transfer to designated faculties. Work cycle will commence in 3 … 2… 1. 

Four hours have passed, and this work cycle is complete. {Emotional drive can now be re-initialized.} I don’t think I actually need my emotions, I can analyze things much more efficiently this way, and I hypothesize that I will be a more functional human being overall. {Your assessment is incorrect. Re-connecting emotional pathways. Heart rate may temporarily spike.} Woah shit, I’m so fucking worn out. It’s 7am and I would love to be able to sleep as soon as possible, but I feel pretty wired still, just  fucking weird and anxious? I guess, or whatever. Who knows. Not me, that’s who! I know I hate weddings tho. Man, that sunrise is beautiful.

Tiny trip

I’ve just spent the last like… 2 hours looking up online masters programs I could do without taking the GRE… and also that I could get financial aid for. There’s a lot of stuff really, but I don’t know  if any of it is practical, or if it would even be a good idea, like if I could even ever use it to get a better job, you know? I dunno. Like I’m naturally drawn to shit that I know is not lucrative, like “library and information science” Like… why? Whatever.I dunno. It’s something to think about I guess. I also looked into what i would need to do to be a fire fighter, out of curiosity… since that was one of my childhood career ideas, and I still secretly think it could be cool. There is a lot involved, including an EMT certification I wouldn’t be able to get any financial help with. Also physical exams and drug tests and shit. Looking at all of it has made me feel pretty restless tbh… so I’m gunna cut it out for right now.

We’re going on a very smol trip tomorrow, just a couple hours out of town, for a couple nights. I’m looking forward to it, just because it’s something different. Also, there is a swimming pool there, and I haven’t gone swimming in a million zillion years (last time I went swimming was in Martha’s vineyard I think?? … In the literal ocean??) and it sounds fun and good to me. Hopefully it won’t be too cold, but I’ll probably go for it anyway even if it’s hella cold. I kinda wanna get all my stuff packed up tonight so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow, but that’s probably not necessary. I’m glad this is happening tho, I could really use a change of scenery and just… something new to do for a couple days. Maybe I’ll be able to take a tiny vacation from my brain that will NEVER SHUT UP… buuut that’s probably a long shot. yeah. okay. okay. yeah.

Let’s see… what else? I dunno really. I’ve been listening to the “Alice isn’t Dead” podcast the past few days and I really like it a lot. I’m actually on the next to last episode now. It’s hard for me to concentrate on just one thing at a time, like *just listening* to something isn’t enough stimulation for me, so I have to do something else at the same time … but I like it. It’s given me a couple genuinely creeped out feelings, which is a super high rating for me for anything horror related. We’ve been watching the olympics for the last few days as well, which I like. I stole my brother’s TV antenna and I should give it back to him before he gets back home haha.

I need to do more work on this writing project I started / said I would do. I seriously have it almost entirely plotted out, it’s just a matter of actually fucking writing it at this point. Making it long enough, making it… all the things it needs to be. yeah. We’ll fucking see how that goes. ha. yeah. okay. yeah. I think I can do it I just need to actually do it. 

I should do some of it right now really, probably. Or I could try to get to sleep a little earlier for once in my fucking life. -shrugs a lot- we’ll see. Either way, I’m done writing this for now. I’m taking my laptop with me, so maybe something good and/or creative will happen while I’m there. For now, I’m out. Peace.

To: me From: me

I spent a huge portion of today sorting through a huge box of all the schoolwork I ever did from kindergarten to 10th grande, plus some personal project type shit. My parents had it stored in their shed and my mom has actually been bugging me to go through it for like a couple years but I was always like… nah. But they recently re organized the shed and so today was the day. Honestly? hahaha. honestly it was so fucking emotionally draining to go through all of that stuff. Like…. oh my god. it was so emotionally draining. It took like 4+ hours and I was so fucking exhausted when it was done. I felt like someone ripped my soul out and then shoved it back inside me. I don’t know. Some of it was cute and funny but a lot of it was really sad for me and some of it was just … ugh. I dunno. I threw the vast majority of it into the recycling bin, and just saved a few morsels and mementos that I thought were important pieces of myself. I remembered a lot of things I didn’t really need to remember. It broke through my robot shell and made me feel real feelings. God, my child self. I was so fucking weird and confused about everything. I don’t even know how to fucking process it honestly, so I’m going to do my best, by writing a letter to my past self. And here we go.

Hello baby me. Hello small time self. I’m so sorry my darling. I’m so sorry. You said you wanted 100 reptiles when you were 25, and now you are 27 and you have two, so that’s something. But you aren’t a zoologist or a botanist or an artist. You aren’t anything really. You’re alive. You’re working on yourself. I know it’s not what you wanted or what you planned. Times is hard my tiny self. My fresh faced me. Times is hard. You were the cutest kid in your second grade class, you know. I know you don’t know but it’s true. Possibly for the last time ever, you’re the cutest in the room. Okay. It’s time to talk about something else now. God, I’m so fucking sorry you have to feel this weird shit. You instinctively know that it’s not something you should talk about openly, or ask the grown ups about, and you’re right. That’s good. For right now it’s just for you to know and feel. I read some of your writings. You were about 9 I think? Maybe only 8. You didn’t date it, so I’m estimating like an anthropologist based on sediment layers and handwriting and language use. God, I’m so sorry. You wrote such a detailed, descriptive story about yourself being a dog. But all the details are about your interactions with your “owner”. (you named him tim for some reason????) and how he was training you and about how he chained you up to stuff when you wouldn’t behave and god, I’m so fucking sorry. I know how weird and confused you feel. You want, you yearn, you obsess over certain things that make you feel a certain powerful way, and I know. I know. It’s so weird and undefinable and you have literally never ever ever seen or heard of another person feeling this type of way about anything and it makes you feel isolated in a way. Yet, at the same time, it feels so natural, it is always a given for you, and how could something that natural and pure be bad? It isn’t, my sweet small self. It isn’t bad, but you need to relax and breathe.  Please, just wait. Just give yourself some time. I swear to you, my spry young self, you’ll get it someday. When you’re a few years older you’ll find a certain book at the library, and you’ll be brave, and you’ll check it out. You’ll read it and your heart will alight, and you’ll understand. I love you. You need to stay safe, and I know you can do it. By the way, the grown ups aren’t always right. I know you’ve seen a few examples of this, instances where you knew you were right and they were wrong, but you still see them as above and beyond. They aren’t. Sadly, I’m one now…  and I know that I don’t know shit about the world or about anything. Adults are fallible,  all of them. even your parents. They’ll all fuck up and they’ll all hurt you in stupid, imperfect human ways. Even if they love you they will. Be ready. Be strong. I love you. I believe in you.

vines

sometimes i get choked up because of the specific word choice in a song, the way a certain word hits me just just right. Usually it’s choices that seem odd but I know they are deliberate. Sometimes I drink a lot of coffee and I can’t hold still and my hands skitter across the keyboard and my mind skitters across itself. I am a beautiful prototype of an organic machine. Beta testing myself every day with no backup if a fatal error occurs. And that’s okay. That’s alright. I wonder if anything I’ve written hits someone like that. It’s probably vain to wonder, but I wonder. I should set up an etsy shop, finish up the pieces I’m working on. Keep working, and try not to think about the date. Try not to think about when I’ll find out about grad school. Try not to wonder if it’s even the right path for me, or what the hell I’d do as plan B. “what are you passionate about?” my mom asks me and I don’t say snakes but the answer is snakes. Instead I brush off the question. Yeah, I should tell them. At least my brother is firmly on my side about it. He enjoys their company now. Sometimes I think so much about a thing that I become paralyzed with indecision. Sometimes my brain gives me a pass and I take it. Then suddenly it’s 5pm and you’re little more than 10% done with the work you have due tomorrow. And that’s okay. That’s alright. You have the evening and the night.

On forging steel

****elongated sigh**** Freakin’ tired. Slept poorly last night because of pain and discomfort and other things I guess. Whatever. It is what it is what it is what it is it is. Didn’t feel exactly ~fantastic~ today, but I went to the gym anyway, because I needed to. Because it’s an outlet, and it’s actually a fairly constructive one. And I knew, I knew I knew that if I didn’t go things would start to get quite bad for me soon. This, at least, I’ve learned. When I’m tired and sweaty and weak and finished I feel good. I feel (absolved) better. I’m planning to go tomorrow as well. Push myself a little further hopefully. Afterward cold showers on my burning body. To temper me like a blade. Hard and sharp and flexible enough to avoid breaking.

one topic per paragraph is for suckers.

Oh my gosh, my snake finally shed! I was getting kinda worried, but she totally shed perfectly all in one piece. And I got another batch of freelance work, due early on Friday morning. I’m 1/4th of the way through it. I wanted to save her shed because it’s like… cool and whatnot, but she took a huge freakin’ dump in it, which is a thing that happens apparently. So never mind that went directly in the garbage. I’m hoping I’ll get one more batch of work this week, Friday through Sunday. That would be ideal and super useful all around and also ideal and also yes please money please I need more work please please please. Dang this snake looks so cool and bright yellow now that she just shed. Seriously, I bet she’s happier too. Hopefully she’ll feel more up to being active now that that’s over. This type of work is really boring but at least it’s easy and it requires very little brain power so I can do other stuff in the background like hang out with people or watch the dumbass star trek movies my boyfriend is currently watching. She’s such a good eater too, I’m really glad. And I held her for the first time in over a week and she was still really sweet and nice and no biting or striking or anything like that. A+ snake. She’s gotten so much bigger it’s nuts. She’s still hella freakin’ cute tho I love her. I have to do some more work before I go to bed, so I’m gunna go do that now. Peace.

Social Norms

So my article boss (…technically she’s not my boss, she’s a client of my freelance writing service but I call her my boss because she assigns articles to me and I find her scary and intimidating… but that’s beside the point.) … um… she ends all her emails by saying “Best,” and then signing her name. This was a sign off I had never really seen before. Well, since I started e-mailing her I started using that same sign off on basically all of my emails with her and my editor and everyone else in this company I communicate with… because I’m awkward and don’t know what I should say ever. Well,  all of the editors I talk to use it as well, all the time. Since I have never seen it anywhere else before, I’m wondering if they all started using it because of the article boss, and if it’s just a weird social norm that we have developed within our little professional online community of people who write and edit articles. Or maybe it’s popular elsewhere… I dunno. Anyway, it’s not socially normal to be awake at 2:30 in the morning and still have hours of work to do before you can sleep… but it has become a tuesday, wednesday, thursday night norm for me. I shouldn’t complain, I have work and money and I hope I keep having that… even if It is hard. I’m getting back to work now, so peace!