Hold my

It’s spit and mortar

Holding me up it’s

Ghosts and horror

Filling my cup

And the log rough hands of fate

Can’t keep themselves to themselves

And The fruit we scorned and ate

Is flying off the shelves

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Candle

Hi. I’m still here, more or less. I’ve felt like I’ll somehow curse my life by writing on here, which is silly I guess, but *knocks on wood about it* Anyway, yeah. It’s a busy time. My eyes are tired from being open for so long and I really need to fucking exercise and I should probably consume a vegetable sometime in the relatively near future. Maybe actually get some groceries so I have some type of food in the house. Whatever. whatever. dude, I’m tired. Just one question set and three freelance articles to go, for today. 15 pages from two classes, 12 pages from another, and 25 pages from another = a total of 67 fucking pages of papers that I have to write in the next 1.25 months. Holy fucking shit dude. Holy Fucking Shit. Dude. That’s not to mention the 10 minute presentation I have to somehow?? make?? and the regular weekly work that is still happening. The discussions and reading questions and article summaries. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah! cool, cool, co co co co co co coool! Grad school was a Fun and Good idea! My summer financial aid better come thru, so I can split up my last 4 classes over summer and fall, and only have to take 1 other class while I write my dissertation, instead of taking 3 other classes while writing my dissertation. But, ultimately, we’ll see. We’ll see we’ll see we’ll see. I just want to practice knots and ties and have my body worshiped while I casually sip wine. Jeeze. Why is all of this happening instead? Alright, it’s time for me to do more work. I’m out. peace.

Mending wall

I worry and worry and worry. It’s heavy on me and I feel like even to write it directly would be a curse, so I won’t. Even still, even still. I just dropped $60 on textbooks, and it’s likely I’ll have to spend more soon. It annoys me when I can’t find e-book versions, (preferably FREE e-book versions) of my textbooks, and I have to have physical copies like some sort of peasant. I’m doing an assignment right now that’s going to be turned in late, but maybe it won’t be a huge deal… I’m not sure. It is whatever it is, I suppose. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing… like… about anything… ever. So far I really haven’t gotten a good start to the semester. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I trust myself to get my shit together. *knocks on wood* We went to the library the other night, and I got 5 books. I’m almost done with one of them (it’s a graphic novel, so no great accomplishment) but it’s been a significant while since I’ve read a physical paper book, and it is nice. I want to do more of it. I had a tour tonight and it went really well. First one I’ve had in over a week, and I need the money so it was good, but as usual I did not want to actually go and do it at all. But, it went really well. One of my best ones really. It was just two people, which is always kinda weird, but more or less weird depending on what they are like. They were both very tall, lovely human specimens. Him with a puerta-rican accent somewhat faded by 9 years in the states, and her with a wide bright smile. I could tell right away they would be a good little audience, and they were. Total believers, which is always a bit more fun for me. It’s easier for me to make them get into it. At one spot they were trying to take pictures after I told them “this is the spot, just last week, where two people both got pictures of a creepy translucent face up in that window” (which is a thing that did happen, but it was like 3 months ago, but like… that doesn’t sound as good from a storytelling standpoint) And as they were trying to take pictures both of their cameras started glitching out, and neither would let them actually take a picture when they were pointed at that spot. They both started freaking out, getting really excited, and I was definitely seeing it happening, and I was hyping it up “wow! that’s so cool! I’ve never seen that happen before! How awesome!” but my skeptical, jaded ass was like... eeeeehhhhh whateva it’s probably nothing internally.  But they had a really good time, and the lady kept saying that I was so good, that I was amazing, and then at the end she asked if she could give me a hug, and I was like LOL sure, and it felt like hugging a majestic giantess.  Alright, it’s time for me to Very Quickly finish up this already late assignment, and send it off to my professor with apologies and a healthy dose of “the instructions were confusing” (which is true) and generally see how that goes. Peace.

Neg eg g 

I feel like I wasn’t as good a person to be around today as I could have been. I’m feeling really gross about my body. Super bad and gross and just… Soooo uncomfortable in my own skin. Horrified at how much of it there is, and here I am, inside it, piloting it, and fucking it up. Or if not actively fucking it up, then certainly not doing nearly enough to maintain it, and that’s still the work of a shitty pilot. What do I need to do to flip that control switch back? I need small solid goals and self controls. I need something. I hate feeling like this. Ugh. Sorry to be this negative. I’m worn out from everything too much to keep it in. And I don’t want to feel bad tho. I want to have a cool fun weekend and do a lot of stuff, and I’m gong to try my very best to make that happen. For this second, I’m going to try and sleep. Peace.