Maybe i am a house filled with mysterious rooms. Maybe I’m the answer to my hopes renewed. Maybe I’m the one the ghosts of the 1977 blackout will talk through. Time is thin line important and my demons shouldn’t make themselves excuses. No. The vase didn’t break itself. I shouldn’t let my demons be excuses. I shouldn’t let myself excuse. Read a boring book. Go to sleep. Don’t have anything but new fresh dreams
Is it really too much to ask for me to find us both perfect work from home jobs? A life where they do tech support, or data entry, or run a help chat for a website or something, and i teach online classes, or write corporate briefings and newsletters, or write fucking romance novels, or something. I don’t want to be a goddamn administrative Assistant and work 40 hours per week in a little office somewhere for people i don’t care about. I don’t want to spend 40 hours a week anywhere but here, truthfully, but i might have to. I’m applying. I’m quitting ghost tours and i need to get something lined up fast as hell, even if i fucking hate it. Even if my soul shrivels up into a raisin. Or i could go for a second master’s, and volunteer at libraries to get the experience so someone will actually fucking hire me when I’m done. Or i could go for an education doctorate, e-learning concentration, and volunteer at the adult learning center so i can get the experience and actually get fucking hired when I’m done. (which i totally should have done while i was getting my master’s, and i dunno why i didn’t fucking think about it until toooo late hot plate) and work part time doing something else while i do one of those paths. Maybe at the animal shelter, or idk… Basically anything part time that isn’t giving tours. Idk. I have a lot of thoughts and i don’t know what to do with them. I have a lot of thoughts and i need to try to sleep for now, so i can have a productive day tomorrow, so i can move myself forward. Peace.
Nightmares and nap-mares all in and over me. Things that break my heart, and myself just screaming until my voice gives out. It carries into the waking day. How can i ever feel… Like I’m enough? How can i make myself feel like I’m whole and complete and enough? Smoke, and the sparkling crackle of not quite dry things burning. Watching rows and rows of stubborn weeds bow and shrink before the flame. Shrink into nothing but ash. Good. Die. Victory in a battle I’ve fought for months. I need real work. I need real money. I don’t t want to lead tours anymore. Time to sleep. Dreams, please, be gentle with me.
Hahaha everything feels sad to me. My period surprised me and all the emotions I’ve been holding in check are all up on me. The main themes in Hamlet are madness, revenge, religion, and political instability. Fight me if you thing I’m wrong. Fight me if you think i have too many weeds in my front yard. I choose trial by combat and my weapon of choice is the force of my unbridled anger about the way the bourgeoisie exploits the proletariat. Maybe we should get married for the wedding gifts. Maybe i should live off loans and get a doctorate. Maybe love is that steel you find when your loved one needs it. Maybe it’ll be alright if i can just move past this. Yeah. I’ll tease and lead you with the promise of a goal and I’ll destroy and feed you to a spectre or a ghost, it’s good. The rooms of all my dreams are all filled up with bad mistakes, the ones i’d let go and the ones i would just make and make. Yeah.
Just wanna cry, i don’t know how to spark excitement in your eyes. If not for me or us or home i dunno. I’ll try. Fuck I’ve been trained up by society. Still always tryna unprogram that shit inside me. Learn to say, full, what i do or don’t need. Find a way to avoid the aquarium of my dreams. Sleep, sleep on my leg. for a moment, all is safe in that mutagenic space. Charged with hope and holes and hate. Who am I? Who have i ever been? A shaken fighter in a ring with no clear rim.
It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.