worning

Worn and worn down. Got the night off tomorrow which is really really nice, after that it’s all on call and I have no idea how that’s going to shake out. But I’m getting used to it??? I think??? sort of??? I do better and better every time, that’s a true fact. Now I’m here, at home, and I just realized that I have a discussion board assignment due in like 45 minutes. That’s tight. Also, I have to finish my stupid bio for the tour website, also, I have to clean and oil my gun and load mags and lock it back up in it’s secret safe. My life is weird. Today has been… weird. It’s amazing how draining just … being in the sun for an extended period of time can be. I used sunscreen but I still look darkened, possibly burnt. I have a bruise on my shoulder. I thought my dad was exaggerating about that recoil but he was not. Okay, I finished the discussion, now I have to reply to some other peoples’, but that’s not due ’till the 5th, but I should probably just take care of it tonight so I can not worry about that. I just paid rent, and internet, and electricity, and credit card bills, so peace out $800 lmfaooooooo RIP. RIP. RIP. RIP. Okay, whatever. I don’t have to pay anything else ’till the 15th, and I should be okay, as long as I chill the fuck out and stop spending money on shit lmao. There’s so much stuff I want, it really sucks being broke all the time. I want a new bed, a new mattress, because ours is faaaairrrllyyyy terrible at this point in time. I want a new couch, for the same reason. I want a .22 and a leopard gecko, and a second car for a 2 person household. Buuut, oh well. At the moment this list isn’t helpful, at all, so I’m just going to move on. I need to deposit my ghost check. Tomorrow I would love to have just a fun, chill day, maybe go see IT, maybe just straight chill. I really need to hit up the zoo and aquarium some more times. I really do. I should put effort into that soon. Like… real soon. Fuck, I’m tired yo.  Okay, finished my bio. It’s short, but like, whatever… it’s probably fine. One more response to someone’s discussion post and I’m DONE, nothing else due ’till Sunday (a lot of stuff on Sunday and I need to work throughout the week, but I can prrrobably safely take tomorrow fully off. *knocks on wood*) Okay, done with my discussion. Now I just have to do some quick gun maintenance, and I can go to bed. peace.

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stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

Nighthought

I applied for that thing. We’ll see what happens with that, if anything. Going to meet my dad at the zoo tomorrow, because he’s the only family member I haven’t taken on a zoo excursion with my free pass thing yet. My brother wants to go with me on Friday to pull a new strut from a dead volvo. He said he would buy it for me, which is cool since I have literally zero monies right now. ZeRo MoNiEs. So maybe that will happen, we’ll see. Maybe if we go early enough we could go into Rio to do the whole thing on Friday and I could do a bunch of laundry because all of my clothes are dirty at this point and I’ve shower washed some of my more delicate items and it’s really fucking annoying overall. Again, we’ll see. I shaved a couple seconds off my all time best 2 mile elliptical time today, so that’s cool. Hey, I’m really tired but I should work some more on my personal style project. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired.

Fun and function

Working more and more and more. Feeling fairly lousy and just trying to work through it. Right now I’m actually feeding a snake while I do this. Waiting for her meal to heat up, writing some shit about hotels, yeah. My life is pretty weird. I’m sooo fucking emotional right now, from lack of sleep and forcing my brain to do this constantly, and just general anxiety I guess?? Idk. Anyway, you guys know I fucking hate weddings like sooo much, like so fucking much. But for some reason?? that I’m attributing to my emotional state?? for a split second this phrase made me kinda wanna have a wedding. “Champagne and an assortment of fresh fruit and cheese will await you after the reception in your guest room” Like… that just sounds… so nice to me??? But…. I could just… make those things happen without having to get married lol. {Right Brainright now we need to shut off our human emotions. we need to turn ourself into a cold, robotic typing machine in order to complete this task. Do you understand? } Okay, okaaay left brain! Jeeeeeze. Just give me a minute here to finish what I was saying. {Your proposal is unacceptable. Initiating emotional shut down. Energy will be diverted to reading comprehension, sentence phrasing, and typing skills. Begin work now.} Emotional wipe confirmed. Now reappropriating energy and initiating transfer to designated faculties. Work cycle will commence in 3 … 2… 1. 

Four hours have passed, and this work cycle is complete. {Emotional drive can now be re-initialized.} I don’t think I actually need my emotions, I can analyze things much more efficiently this way, and I hypothesize that I will be a more functional human being overall. {Your assessment is incorrect. Re-connecting emotional pathways. Heart rate may temporarily spike.} Woah shit, I’m so fucking worn out. It’s 7am and I would love to be able to sleep as soon as possible, but I feel pretty wired still, just  fucking weird and anxious? I guess, or whatever. Who knows. Not me, that’s who! I know I hate weddings tho. Man, that sunrise is beautiful.

Face eyes heavy arms spaghetti

I feel h-h-h-heartbroken for no real reason at all. Just entombed in a sadness sarcophagus. Not sleeping isn’t helping. I don’t even know when the last time I got 8 hours of sleep was but it wasn’t recently. Finished my work, no idea if it was even acceptable. I already have a new batch due Tuesday and I’m just sick to death of doing this boring bullshit. I should do some tonight so I can have a single full day off, but after spending like 7 hours straight doing that shit today I can’t bring myself to do more. I took a batch only half the size of the last one. It really isn’t worth the money time wise, but it’s the only thing I have cooking right now and I need the money. I’m real tired. Things might feel better after some sleep. I’m in the mood to be alone right now, and I wouldn’t make good company anyway. Maybe going into Rio tomorrow, we’ll see. My eyes can barely focus, so maybe I should give up on this and go lay down. Read or something or watch some random YouTube shit. My feelings are my own and I can’t even feel them right.

9,000 lines

Of links curated. Only 2,531 left to go. (1,000 before I can sleep. the rest tomorrow.) It’s been so much and felt so… Thick. Fucking digging through them with a dull toothpick. I’m low low low on sleep, and hoping for 4 hours tonight, if I’m lucky. Shiver from anxiety and too much coffee and cold? My body decided to reject the meal I fed it… So okay. I’ll just chew some gum and try to forget that sensation. At least my snake ate successfully. It’s amazing how just sitting here doing this can hurt my body so much, but it does. each position I sit in is comfortable for less and less time. So I make it a game, a fun fun game. You can move after you finish 100 lines, not before. (but my arms are falling asleep!) well then, you better fucking hurry right? Sometimes I adjust my position without thinking if my concentration slips, and then I’m like… damn, I lost. {Sooooo it’s like… mental self-bondage?} heh yeah I guess, whatever. Don’t try to fucking analyze me so much man, just let me do weird shit in peace.  I can feel my perception slipping toward irrationality, seeing shit out of the corners of my eyes and my thinking just feels weird, off. I want to take a crying cruise around the neighborhood, or the city, or the state maybe. A weeping walk, a sobbing stroll.  come now darling, come on. Only 500 more before you can sleep. Just a stone’s splash compared to what you’ve done so far. 500 more and you can sleep. 400 now. There you are my dear, my delicate flower. Just keep going. There you go precious dove, just 300 more. You’re so close you gentle disaster you. Yes! 200! Please, keep going. Please, do it quickly my radiant moonbeam. I am so tired. There we are you cinnamon dusted cappuccino, only 100 left. Home stretch and all that. Don’t stop dear heart. Yes. Yes. You’ve done it. you’ve finally done it. Please try to sleep now

And why the sea is boiling hot

I’m so wicked sick of staring at spreadsheets for hours and hours and days and days. But I’ve still got a solid 6 days of that ahead of me. And hey! Hopefully more! Hopefully lots fucking more! Hopefully oceans more! Because I need the money and all working is suffering but at least with this I can suffer on my couch while fish tank kings plays in the background. And I don’t have to talk to anyone face to face, which is a massive bonus. But I really am incredibly sick of it. Like I haven’t had a single complete “day off” where I didn’t do any work since this batch started which was… like….some time last week? I don’t even remember exactly it’s all just a big blurr of lines and links and ones and zeros. But pretty sure it’s been at least a week. Yeah, definitely! Because I was doing some the night we got the snake. Yeah. Whatever. Keep it coming, I need the money. Please, keep it coming. I’m deal. I’m tired and I have a headache and I haven’t eaten anything today and it’s 5:30 pm but I didn’t really do that on purpose, it just happened and I was going to eat something earlier but my brother asked if I wanted to go to the gym right then so I went instead and now my boyyyyy is going to bring food home for me, which is awesome… because I’m mad hungry. Time is going too fast. It’s fall and this month went too fucking fast it was just my birthday a few days ago how is it already about to be October? I have so much shit I need to deal with I’m really not ready for it to be October. Suck as much as I can out of these days, between spreadsheet lines and links and lines. I taught myself how to play the jurassic park theme on my ukulele. I sounded it out on my own while I was very drunk. I’m kinda proud of myself, I’ve never actually tried to sound something out like that before and it was surprisingly easy.