Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye


*thumbs up emoji* *sunglasses guy emoji*

What’s up fuckers? I’m feeling like a dead lead weight on top of some other types of weights. or … fucking. something not cool, whatever. Faking being Strong until it feels real, or at least until shit gets done. Until things happen and shit. gets. done. That’s cool, that’s rad. Look at my fucking muscles. See that shit? Strong as hell. Definitely. For sure.  I just lost the opportunity to get $500 worth of freelance work because my goddamn cactus fucking gmail app decided to give me the e-mail notification TWO FUCKING HOURS after the e-mail actually came in. And two hours is waaaaay too fucking late in this circumstance. I replied to it instantly, the minute I got it, and then I saw that the fucking time stamp said it was from 2pm… and my phone decided to notify me at 3:46. Too late hot plate. $500 down the fucking drain. Oh, but hey, but hey man, at least I got the notification for the e-mail telling me the expiration date of my digital library loan right on time. Right on fucking time the second it came in. That’s awesome. I’m so fucking glad. Sure would have been a tragedy if I had to wait on that one. Just downed a big cup of coffee fast style, now style, presently and pressingly. So now, right now, Right n-n-n-n-n-n-now I’m going to go get some exercise, and try not to think about the state of anything. And try not to let myself get swallowed by anything. And try not to focus on how agonizingly slow and agonizingly tedious and agonizingly physically uncomfortable every single second of the experience is… Because exercising is FUCKING FUN AND COOL AND SOOO FUCKING FUN I LOVE IT I CAN’T WAIT TO DO IT LET’S GO LET’S GO RIGHT NOW.

Ragtime gal

Haha I’m so fucking funny, and clever, and good at jokes. I want to eat a chocolate mountain, and then strangle someone with my bare hands and watch the life fade from their eyes. That sounds rad. That sounds skippidy doo. I can’t believe 250 people follow this meaningless nothing blog. I mean… like… good for you guys, you know? Good for you. I hope you’re having fun. The other day (like a week ago I guess?) My brother and I were driving to our parents house for my mom’s birthday and we saw this bumper sticker that said “Mary Kay: Enriching Women’s Lives” and my brother went OFF. he was like “Ha. yeah right. enriching women’s lives. More like making women feel pressured to live up to the arbitrary and totally unrealistic beauty standards set by men. Making them feel like they aren’t good enough and they need to buy a bunch of shit to alter themselves.” and I was like… really surprised. Like  daaaamn bro, that was a really good and true feminist rant you just busted out. So yeah, I was pretty proud of him and I think his girlfriend is a good influence on him. I dunno what else I was going to say. We definitely need to practice more this weekend cuz the KSD show is in like 22 days, which is not very long at all. Also I need to get my friends to buy tickets and go to the show so I can have more moral support… and also so I can not look like a **completely** friendless loser who doesn’t have anyone who would want to support me. yeah. Let’s see… what else? Oh yeah, they turned on our air conditioning, I think I talked about that? but now it just feels like it’s blowing 90% hot air… which is pretty unfortunate. **also** I’m pretty sure they didn’t fully secure one of the panels back on, because it’s really windy today and the wind is creating a very loud, repetitive slamming noise coming from the air conditioner. Sooooo that’s fun. We called maintenance but they probably won’t be able to do anything ’till monday at the earliest so … whatever. this is a thing now I guess. Fun times, in the summer in the city. I feel very bad in my body insides and my soul gut insides. niccccce. Don’t really know how to deal. Like I’m sooooooo restless but too ouch-tacular to actually go out and do anything? Also i have 0 monies and doing things requires many monies. So! I guess I’ll just stay in, and be serenaded by the sounds of howling wind and a  slamming AC panel.

The numb that comes with failure

When you know you officially fucked up an opportunity and it’s over and it’s over and there’s nothing you can do. It feels calm and fine and hey, I think there’s a wave of tears back there. Huh. Oh yeah, you’re right. Wonder if it’s gonna reach me. Break over me, or roll and roll and roll. I wasted a week of my life. A weak weak week I could and should have spent looking for other means of income. I don’t know if that bothers me more or less than the failure itself. I’m not supposed to fail, that isn’t my thing. I have a BA and can’t even get a job that pays $12 an hour. Maybe I would find that bitterly hilarious if I were feeling things. I think it’s mostly aimlessness and uselessness I feel, behind the numbness. Two weeks from Friday the rent is due. I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Pennies to my name and no way to find more. Hopes as substantial as ghosts. Ideas as good as half burnt toast. Tomorrow (later today) I will drag my sad flesh prison to the gym, because it is a promise from me to me. And I’m sorry I’m so sorry for this weak willed week. Hey, me, I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me and we can find a way to move forward. For now I’m going to sit alone downstairs for a while and listen to music and chew on a piece of plastic. I’m also going to re-read all of Sunstone, because I saw it mentioned on tumblr and I love it and i find it somehow comforting and it makes me feel something at least.


I’m so fucking tired. So totally wicked mad ultra tired. Which is fucking nuts, because I seriously slept {intermittently} until 4 in the goddamn afternoon. How nuts is that? Pretty nuts yo. Nuts for butts even. I haven’t even been on my computer for a few days. I’ve been doing everything via mobile, because I haven’t had any work or reason to look at it and it just… uuuuggghhhh. ugh. ugh. bluuugh. uuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh -etc. I’m feeling stuff but also sort of nothing. In a lot of ways this feels like the old times, the bad old times, but I know it’s not. I know it’s different. Even so. My body just wants to sleep for a million years. At least I went to the gym today. Thursday is Rosh Hashanah, so venturing to my parents’ house is going to happen. Recording this weekend is also a maybe. Yeah. I’m going back upstairs for sleep hopefully maybe eventually sleep. Soooooooooooooo bye.


So my parents are out of town for a few days and we came to their house to watch the dogs and try to get some recording done. Unfortunately (but fortunately because I really do need the money) I still have a full batch of articles to write, due on Friday, The website I NEED to complete them has been all fucked up all week and it looks like it is going to continue to be fucked up. But does that mean my client is going to be cool and extend the deadline for me and the other writers? Nope. nope. not at all even a little bit. It’s harder for me to concentrate and get my writing done while I’m here, especially when I would much rather be working on music stuff. We haven’t recorded in a couple months and I was sorta psyched to get  back into it… that is until we actually started doing it and I remembered how hard and terrible it is. But I have my own songs stuck in my head for the first time in a long time, and that’s actually kinda nice. I’m not even sure exactly when I’m going home or how that’s going to work, I need to talk to my brother when he gets home. Before then I need to get some fucking work done. May my brain spark quickly and my fingers be fleet enough to keep pace.