Just wanna cry, i don’t know how to spark excitement in your eyes. If not for me or us or home i dunno. I’ll try. Fuck I’ve been trained up by society. Still always tryna unprogram that shit inside me. Learn to say, full, what i do or don’t need. Find a way to avoid the aquarium of my dreams. Sleep, sleep on my leg. for a moment, all is safe in that mutagenic space. Charged with hope and holes and hate. Who am I? Who have i ever been? A shaken fighter in a ring with no clear rim.
Hello, hi, hi, hello. It’s midnight, I’m exhausted, I’m trying to do all my homework. Tonight I did my fourth full tour, and my first full tour without the safety net of an experienced guide as my assistant. And it went… really well. It rained, on and off, the whole time. We did the “rain route” for some of the stops, which basically just means standing under awnings whenever possible. Overall it went quite well, I got good reactions and overall enthusiasm. I also netted a total of $28 in tips, a personal best, which I split with my little ninja quiet assistant. I didn’t need to be nervous. I had it down. (I could still stand to practice my intro a bit more tho, really). I did a tour last night as well, and then at like 2am I got an e-mail, (me and literally everyone else who works for this tour company) It was from The Boss Lady, and it was an e-mail congratulating me, for already getting a 5 star review, and it included a copy of the review. It was good, and nice, and I am weirdly embarrassed that she sent it to literally everyone in the company, omg. Everyone was congratulating me today and i was embarrassed, but also, glad really. I need to write up a little bio of myself for the company website, and I hate doing shit like that. I also have to do four fucking discussion board discussions before my tour tomorrow night. I’ve officially completed 3 of my 5 days of tours in a row. I’m tired. I’m so tired. But tonight was good, tonight was alright. I love the rain, and I think it really adds to the overall experience for people. It’s really draining for me to do these. It takes a lot of energy to be so “on” for so long. Just talking and talking and trying to be entertaining, it’s seriously **a lot**. The boss lady kept saying that she always feels really hyped up after she finishes a tour, but I just feel exhausted AF. It takes a lot out of me, for sure. Maybe I’ll get more accustomed to it. But yeah, I did it. Now, I really really gotta get some of this school work taken care of. My life is weird now. weird.
I’m suddenly feeling super overwhelmed again. I was feeling chill for a couple days but now I’m dying lmao. tight. tight. I just finished my homework assignment that’s due in 2 hours, and turned it in. I feel kinda sick, anxiety styles. I have tomorrow night off, but then I work for the next 5 fucking nights. That…… really sucks yo. It’s too fucking much. It’s honestly, seriously, too fucking much. I feel overwhelmed, and like I’m not a good enough ghost guide, and I need a ton of practice, and maybe really I’ll never be good enough, and maybe I don’t even really want to do this??? like… why am I even doing this?? It’s stressing me the fuck out?? And I reeeeallllyyy don’t wanna work for 5 nights straight. Also I have a 1,500 word essay about some shit I 100% haven’t read due on Friday, and 3 discussion board discussions from one class due Sunday, and a 400+ word discussion from another class due Sunday, and two assignments form my 4th class due Monday. … And I work Thurs, fri, sat, sun, and mon night. At least two of those nights are for sure *my* tours, and fucking two more of them might turn out to be, because one of the other guides just got fired, which I think was a fucking stupid ass move, because this is literally going to be the busiest month of the year, and they hired me so they could have an **extra** person, but now they’re basically back to square one except now they have someone suuuuuper inexperienced (me) Instead of someone with over a year of experience. Cool. Awesome. Awesome. Cool. Fuck. I need to practice my intro yo. I need to practice everything. I should probably stay up all night and get my homework done, right??? That would be the smart move, because I seriously fucking need **one** full day off, where I don’t have to do anything and I can maybe hopefully de-stress myself, or like… I dunno. Shit’s guna be unfortunate. It already feels unfortunate. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing lmao. I should do more work now. peace.
Teach me to shrink like a violet
Teach me to grow like a weed
Kind eyes and soft spoken humor
branches exploding with seeds
Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop. Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P.
Everyone is so nice to me at my weird new side job. This guy Craig lent me his shirt cuz they still haven’t given me one yet. I kinda hate borrowing people’s stuff, cuz it makes me paranoid, but I needed a shirt. I showed up and he was like “take off your shirt” and I was like “okay!” And just started doing it (cuz I had a tank top under and also I was pretty sure he was going to give me one) and he started cracking up that I would do that. Then I was checking all my guide’s equipment and getting shit ready to go and Craig called me over again. “Is this your first time?” He asked me, with a tone that was like… A lil concerned for me. “It’s my first time all by myself, without someone like… Shadowing me.” “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll still be shadowed… By the spirits!” He said and did his little sinister laugh. “Thanks! That makes me feel so much better!” (Weirdly it did a little actually) Then we went, and I got to see Charlie’s tour and he told me about a paranormal experience that he really had. He split the tips with me 50/50 even though he really did all the work and also I fucked up slightly on one thing. But he said it was okay, that I did well. My head is crowded with ghost stories, and I’m already starting to plan how I want to tell them. It’s a lot. I hope I’m not too overwhelmed when grad school starts. I’m going to drop myself from my freelance projects. I hope that’s enough. Really I’d like to do 3 nights a week or fewer of the tour thing. We’ll see. I feel so tired and everything feels like too much tbh. I need a day. I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s true. I feel too vulnerable to allow myself the luxury of feeling vulnerable. I want things and want things, but I’m afraid of getting actually hurt. I held out so strong so in control for a long little spell and it was good. I would gladly do it again. But now my blood sings for surrender, and I feel too vulnerable to let myself feel vulnerable. So there’s that lol. There’s that, and here’s to sleep. I have an arduous, taxing day ahead of me.
I still don’t have a shirt for my new weird side job. I decided I like Santa Charlie. I mostly feel good when I’m there. Met another tour guide who I really liked, and a painfully shy assistant. I did half of the actual assistant duties today, for a lady tour guide, and it was interesting. Easy really, though the guy I’m training with still managed to fuck it up and shine his flashlight in the guide’s eyes a bunch of times. It’s just waiting and paying attention and (tbh) serving. I dash ahead of the group, alone in the dark. I pull a breeze block from around the corner and set up a DVD player on top of it. Sound cord plugged in, correct video selected, remote in place. And then out of the way as they round the corner, because I’m not supposed to draw attention to myself. She finishes her story and plays the video and then leads the tour on. She grabs the DVD player because she needs it right away to show a picture. She leaves the remote and sound cord, letting them fall to the ground next to her lantern. I’m caught off guard but I gather everything and follow. And because I’m myself, her indolent disregard and assumption that I would take care of it makes me feel some type of way. I follow, putting the bits of tech in the bag slung over my shoulder, holding the lantern. I wait and watch as she speaks, half hidden behind a tree (behind The Murder Tree actually) and for a weird little second I feel like the 18th century servant from the story she’s telling. How odd and parallel. But I’m not gut shot by a spurned ex lover. I don’t collapse against the tree and die. I don’t fill the air with my restless spirit. I wait, and watch, and when her body language tells me she’s ready I step out from behind the tree, taking the player from her and placing the lantern at her feet. “Thank you dear” she says, and because I’m myself I feel some type of way.