Do I dare to eat a peach?

It’s the last week of the semester. Two of my big final projects are done, and I have two to go. I’m a little worried about them both, in the way that I haven’t actually really started either, haven’t even settled on a topic for one. (and the other one, the focus of my topic is slightly shifting as I find sources I can theoretically use). By Friday, this time period will be done. This gut punch anxiety won’t feel quite like this anymore. I’m restless and it’s probably because I drank a whole pot of coffee. It’s fucking roasting in here too. It’s so goddamn hot. I sacrificed the bit of cool air that was seeping down the stairs in an attempt to help Ren sleep. They have work in the early early time of the day. I want to go to wal-mart and get some groceries. I’m sick of not having like… any type of food in the house and always picking up food and shit. I want to be one of those people who meal prep and have their shit together in a real way. I want to learn how to make more things that are healthy. I know right now that’s just my procrastination impulse kicking in, and really I need to fucking ignore it, because there is toooo goddamn much for me to do and it’s already like 10pm. Okay, I’m going to get started on everything. I might be back here in a bit or I might not. *45 seconds later* Okay, I decided, I’m doing my paper for my poetry class about T.S. Eliot. I wanted to do it about one of the lady poets really, but like… I don’t know as much about their work, and Prufrock is one of my all time faves and it’ll be easier, and three days before the paper’s due isn’t the time to like… Take A Stand And Write About Women For The Sake of Writing About Women. Three days before the paper’s due is time to Take The Easy Way Out And Get That Shit Done Son.

*a couple hours later*

I wrote about 2.5 pages of my bullshit 25 page paper, and  i’m starting on my poetry paper now. (I also killed the enormous cockroach that has been camping out in our bathroom, tormenting us, for fucking ever). If I alternate, writing two pages of the long one and one page of the poetry one, I’ll be able to get them both done at around the same time, and also maybe I won’t **completely** lose my mind in the process. Alternating between projects helps me sometimes. We’ll see. (Also, do you know how fucking annoying it is to have to write one paper in MLA format and another paper in APA format??! It’s annoying as hell. Also, APA is fucking stupid and way overly complicated and it can suck my whole dick)

*like another hour later or something*

Poetry paper is now underway as well. Everything is happening, but I *think* I’m going to let myself go lay down for a little while now?? Really not sure what’s happening, but I think that’s what I’m going to do for now. Mkay. Maybe I’ll write more later on here or something. Peace.

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Neg eg g 

I feel like I wasn’t as good a person to be around today as I could have been. I’m feeling really gross about my body. Super bad and gross and just… Soooo uncomfortable in my own skin. Horrified at how much of it there is, and here I am, inside it, piloting it, and fucking it up. Or if not actively fucking it up, then certainly not doing nearly enough to maintain it, and that’s still the work of a shitty pilot. What do I need to do to flip that control switch back? I need small solid goals and self controls. I need something. I hate feeling like this. Ugh. Sorry to be this negative. I’m worn out from everything too much to keep it in. And I don’t want to feel bad tho. I want to have a cool fun weekend and do a lot of stuff, and I’m gong to try my very best to make that happen. For this second, I’m going to try and sleep. Peace. 

welding gloves

Here I am again, another night of writing shit for money. I am very very tired, but I still have … like… 8 fucking articles that I have to write before I can sleep, because I procrastinated a shit ton and didn’t do anything yesterday… or today during the day. So now here I am. Hold up. Okay, three done, five to go. It’s almost midnight. Lol. this sucks. In an ideal world, I would be done with this in 2 hours, by 1:45, so I can snag like two hours of sleep before waking up to be a Good Significant Other(tm). Buuuuut I dunno if that’s really possible or not. These are like… bottom of the barrel articles. Weird, obscure topics that are harder for me to write about. Still, I’ll do what I can. Okay. here we go. Lmao I’m writing about fucking toilet parts and stroller boards (which are apparently a thing you can attach to a stroller for like a toddler to stand on or whatever. I literally had no idea it was a thing until about 3 minutes ago) Mkay, those are done. 3 to go. It’s 12:30. We’ll see what happens I guess.  Okay, 2 to go, but now it’s 1:15. I’m Very Tired. lol. lol. lol. C’mon, I can do it. I’ve written 6 of these fucking things since I got home from my tour. Okay. Last round. let’s finish it. Wrenches and water filters. Okay. done. done. okay. I had more stuff I wanted to write, but I’m fucking exhausted and it’s 2:15, so peace.

down boy

I twist my guts up over what ifs  and could be-s and “god, I fucking hope not”-s. Make myself sick with thoughts that sicken me. Okay. Whatever. I try to shut it up and move on. Focus on the good and try to crush the worm of it. It turns out I want to be a handler. Makes sense in ways, but I still found myself a bit surprised, when it came upon me. I plan to plan a scene that focuses heavily in that direction. For soon. For Saturday even, possibly. I dunno. there really are so many things I want to do. How do I make them all fit? I need to be working. I have quite a bit of shit that I have to finish by tomorrow night, and I’m planning on heading in to see my parents for a bit tomorrow, so like…. that’s another thing I have to compensate for, time wise. I need more activity, more exercise. I did a little today but it’s not enough. it’s not enough. Okay, time to write some shit. I feel weird and trapped and gross. Maybe because I’ve hardly been out of the house in a few days, and I haven’t talked to like… hardly anyone. Maybe I’ll feel better after getting out tomorrow and seeing people. I dunno. ugh. I just feel weird and sort of bad in general I guess. I finished one of the *paid in a month* freelance articles I said I would do, only one more of those to go, due early tomorrow, and six more product description ones, due Saturday morning. Gross. I need to finish that one, and then two of the others, and then I can do four tomorrow and it should be fine. Okay, the one is done. It might not pass the editor stage because I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I’ll fix ’em if I have to.Two more to go, and I already started them a little. I’m hoping to be done by 2:45, so I can get a tiny bit of sleep.  Ugh. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing … like… in life. Okay. I finished writing those things. I’m going to go the fuck to sleep now. It’s 5 minutes ’till 2:45. oh boy. Okay, yeah. I’m out. Peace.

talk through

I dunno why it makes me feel better to write through stuff on here, but for some reason it does. My instructor got back with me with notes about the intro/conclusion and outline for my huge ass paper, and she was super encouraging and helpful, and gave me full credit on both even though they were technically like… almost 2 weeks late. So that makes me feel slightly less freaked out about that paper in general,  (but still a little bit freaked out). Also along with these two huge ass papers I have finals for 3 classes in the next few days. lmao. And like… I just feel like I’m getting pulled in a lot of different directions. I have a tour on Saturday night for sure, and prrrobably on Sunday as well. I’m worried about my S.O and want to spend a lot of time focusing on them. {{and doing a variety of things for and to them in general}} I want to get a bunch of stuff and try new stuff. ((I really liked the thing you wrote for me)) I want to get a tiny Christmas tree and decorate it. I *need* to fucking exercise. I just really haven’t been, and it’s really not cool. I need to be doing something active basically every day. I think I’m experiencing… like… a low grade depression. Like I just don’t feel motivated to move, to do stuff. I know that I really fucking need to, but I feel stuck and it fucking sucks. Once again, I’m hoping I’ll be able to shake myself out of it once I get through this patch of school. I’ve also just been letting myself eat stuff, like whatever, and drink a lot and I know that’s A. not fucking cool and B. ultimately makes me feel more depressed. I need to shake myself out of this pattern, it’s gross and I hate it, and it makes me feel gross and hate myself lmao. Anyway, yeah. cool. whatever. I also really wanna do stuff for my animals. The ferret needs more attention / exercise. I want to up-size both of my snake tanks (and I have everything I need to do one, but it’s guna take time) and I want to hook up the beta I impulse bought with a bigger setup as well, even though what he’s got now is technically fine. I have to get alll my fucking paperwork together and sign up for health insurance by the 15th or I’m going to be fucked. lmao. That’s going to be a huge pain and take forever, and I’ll have to go down to the office at least once… but I seriously can’t let that shit slip through the cracks. It’s super important. What else? I dunno. Time is passing really quickly right now, and I should maybe?? try to sleep??? at some point??? But really I should probably do some more work on this paper first, since I literally only have 3 more days to work on it and I probably have tours on 2 of those days. Soooo yeah. okay. peace.

Slog

Hello again. I should really really be doing some school work right now, or some freelance work, or really both would be ideal, buuuuut I’m not doing either. Sorry not sorry. This week is supposedly “fall break”, and I’m letting myself take a bit of a fucking break. On Sunday I’ll buckle down, I’ll get shit together and get *my* shit together and yeah. Hopefully it’ll be okay. But tonight I’m not going to do shit, and tomorrow probably not either. Thanksgiving happened and it was chaotic and we got through it. I had a tour tonight and it was not awesome. The group was just… not that into it. I didn’t like them, and the whole ass thing was stressful and weird, but overall it was okay I guess. It was fine. Tips were not great, but whatever. I’m really fucking tired, and I think I’m honestly just guna lay down and go the fuck to sleep. Idk if that’s the best idea really, like I said, there are soooooo many things I should really be doing right now, but sometimes I really just have to give myself a fucking break. A fucking pass, you know? ugh. yeah. I really want to do stuff, with ropes and needles and objects of various temperatures and levels of rigidity. I have feelings. But I think I would be equally happy to have a simple, relaxing night in with movies and pajamas and snuggling and maybe a little making out. We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see. It’s cold. It’s getting really cold. I’m so tired. I’m going to bed.