Saturn return

Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.

all filler no killer

Maybe I’m going to expand on my life here today, because it takes me forever to make an entry on my phone like I did last night, so I gotta keep it short. Currently writing a soul-death article about Grifco garage door remotes and transmitters. Fucking tight. Coffee is kicking in and making me restless style, but also awake, so it’s whatever. The dude who I was training with last night is named Charlie, and I said he was santa clause because he looks like santa and also he literally dresses up in a $600 Santa suit and *Bees Santa* every year. And I can’t decide how I feel about him. He was easy to talk to, and the most helpful person I’ve encountered so far And he wasn’t condescending. but he also leched at and sort of hit on two beautiful young women from Russia who were there for the tour. (They were like… model hot. and it was like joking fun style not super creepy, but also like… kinda gross to me)And then later in the night he said some dumb heteronormative shit like “you meet a lot of beautiful ladies on this job”, and then he looked at me and said “And handsome guys” and I was just like… uuugh, don’t assume I am str8 and like guys. But also I was kinda like… fuck it, let’s meet some handsome guys. *shrugs* Anyway, apparently he became a guide faster than basically anyone else ever has, which is what I want to do, soooo yeah. I’m not scheduled for anything tomorrow, but he said I could shadow his tour if I wanted to, and maybe I want to. How much do I actually care about this? How much time do I actually want to devote to it? That’s a good question that I should ask myself… So I’ll just put it on the pile of other Good Questions I Should Ask Myself, and deal with it later. Nice coping mechanism myself! Okay, I’m guna punch this article in the face with my diiiiiick, and then maybe I’ll be back. *later* Okay, done with that one. Four more to do today, and all the topics are fucking terrible bottom of the barrel bullshit. Really stretching my brain to make them work. Okay, 3 done 3 to go. I think I’m going to take a break and get a workout in, because I’m at peak caffeine and I’m going to be pissed at myself if I don’t do it. Soooo *peace sign* I think I’m just guna end this weird stupid entry here, instead of carrying it on and on as I tediously finish three more stupid articles. I want to be a robot with no emotions, so I’m going to pretend that I am. Laters.

Cotton

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing)  Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!

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Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

OoOOooooOOooooOooo

Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.

 

 

 

On a word

Trying to pull some creative thoughts together. Trying to pull something something anything together. Trying to pull things together, in general. Oronyms and wordless hymns. My hair has gone from being too light for me to being too dark for me,  but I’m hoping it will fade and blend with a few days and a few washes. We’ll see. I should probably cut my nails again. They grow and grow, and it seems just a few days ago. Maybe this time I’ll be Regular Style enough to not have to immediately de-claw myself when the white creeps a few millimeters past the nail bed. Maybe they won’t become too-accessible weapons that I turn unthinkingly against myself. Yeah. Yeah. Y-y-y-y-yeah. sure. yeah. cool. yeah. sure. cool. yeah. I’m glad I went on a bike ride earlier. It was pretty short, but nice. It’s good for my brain. It’s like a leveled-up version of the walks I used to take by myself as a teenager. Faster, more wind. Still music and musing and a delicate balance of freed and occupied thoughts. Tomorrow I need to do a lot of things and get things in order and be responsible and shit. Time passes far too swiftly.