Happy Jew Year 5778

weary and wary. Both my freelance projects are done for the moment, and that’s what I would usually be doing right now… so I feel a little weird actually. There is a lot of school stuff I could be taking care of, but I’m currently not. I looked over all of it and it’ll be fine. I’ll do my film class first round on Thursday or Friday and my information literacy stuff Friday or Saturday, and my intro to grad stuff Saturday or Sunday and my film class second round stuff Sunday or monday, and my “ways of knowing” stuff Monday or tuesday or wednesday or whatever. It’s fine. It’ll probably be fine. So far I’m keeping up with school. I’m pretty much not nervous about my tour guide stuff anymore. I ended up not having to present yesterday, which was annoying because I stressed myself the fuck out about it so much. Instead I saw the boss lady do *her* version of the tour last night and… holy shit… let’s just say… I’m not nervous about showing her my presentation anymore. My rival still sucks and I still hate him, but he’s not going to be doing ghost tours in October at all. He’s going to be an assistant still through the whole month. Soooo ha. take that bro. Except he’ll probably assist for me sometimes, and I’m suuuper not looking forward to that. ALSO, apparently one of the full assistants (like… my favorite one) got fired for some reason. She’d been there for like 4 years, no idea what happened there… but she’s gone. That kinda sucks IMHO. I feel like they need to hire more **just assistants** but whatever. I just don’t wanna get stuck assisting basically. I’m over that assistant life. I ordered all of my equipment. I’m a little skeptical about the voice amp I picked out, but if it sucks I can probably return it in time to get another one by Monday. yeah. whateva. Tomorrow is Rosh Hoshanah, and we’re going over to my parents’ house for that. Probably guna do laundry too and whatever. As far as my personal style life and my heart soul stuff, I’m not sure how I’m doing tbh. Sometimes it seems real good. Real Good. And then other times I feel … heartsore and soulweary, and I can’t shut up the little voice that just whispers you’re not enough you’re not enough you’re not enough And I know that’s not really true. I know it’s … a lot more complicated than that. A lot more nuanced than that. But even so, even still, I can’t always (you’re not enough) logic my way out of it. It’s feelings and chemicals and visceral gut checks. And I’m tired. I’m pushing myself hard in a lot of different directions. Trying to balance, trying to find balance. Maybe I should try and sleep now. (Or maybe I’ll just watch vet ranch on YouTube and cry cuz I have built up emotions lol)

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Things I’m currently doing:

-Writing two freelance articles simultaneously

– Doing a weird side project for another client that I have to do in order to be in the running for a supposedly ongoing writing project later

– Trying to find online versions of my grad school textbooks

-Trying to work out my grad school schedule for the week and what I have due and when

– Feeling generally overwhelmed about fucking everything lololololololololololol

I also really need to practice my fucking ghost stops, but like… when?? lol. I hate doing it here. I can’t do it right now while the S.O is trying to fucking sleep. My brother said that I could do it on your walks, just like… do it while we walk. I think that’s a good idea and I want to try that, but it isn’t enough. I need more practice than that. I want to have it all down perfectly so it isn’t a thing I have to think about or worry about any more at all. That’s the goal. Wait, hold on *does a side project thing* okay, so yeah. I’m overwhelmed lol. It’s suddenly just… a lot. Honestly?? I would prrrobably consider dropping out of the ghost tour thing, even though I do like it, and do think I’ll be good at it, except that like… everyone in my life thinks it’s the coolest shit ever, and wants to come see me do it, so like… I would feel pretty dumb if I just said J/K Dudes! I gave up because it was hard and I was busy! Like… that’s not really my style, so I’m going to stick it out, and do my best, and practice. Hold on, I have to go write an article about bike tires or some shit. Okay, I wrote one about bike tires and one about phone cases. Now I’m gunna do a little of the weird side project. Oh, and also I forgot I have money in my upwork account that I should for sure transfer to my bank. Okay, done with that. Now I’m guna write about money handling equipment and plastic modular food storage units. Also, I apparently stabbed under the nail bed of one of my nails, which is a thing I haven’t done in quite some time and thought I was basically over doing, buuut there ya go. Soooo I guess I should clip my nails or something or whatever. Okay, finished writing both of those and did another round of the weird side work. That leaves just one more article for this little unit of time. I should probably do it right now. But also, it’s 1am and I’m guna have to wake up (albeit briefly) at 3:45 … so like… ugh. Actually, whatever. fuck it. Let’s write it. It’s guna be about bike lights and reflectors. Let’s just kill it and be done. Also, I got a new car stereo today, I’d definitely like to get that put in soon so I can have music in my car again. I miss having music in my car. Ok, I gotta go write. Okay, fucking done with that. Gunna do one more super quick round of weird side work, and then I’m heading to bed, to lay down for two hours. Tight. tight. t-t-t-t-tight. Shit’s weird man.

 

Saturn return

Heyyyyy. It’s 11:30 and that weirdly feels super strange and late suddenly. I don’t know. I’m sitting downstairs with all the lights off, considering whether or not I can muster up the strength to do some writing work. It would be good if I did… but also…. eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah. My dreams have really not been kind to me lately. (although just before waking a few minutes ago I *did* have a dream about a very cool roller coaster that my dream self made up.) But in general….. it’s been bad. I know all of it basically reflects shit that’s actually going on in my life, but in exaggerated and cruel ways tbh. I don’t know how to deal with that and I don’t know how to deal with anything really. It’s my birthday in two days, and part of me kiiiinnndaaaa just feels like curling up into a ball and crying until it’s over. (hey, that could partially just be the exhaustion and nightmares talking) My birthday always makes me feel weird and I already was feeling…weird…so yeah. Honestly, I’m going to just make the best of it. I’m going to try not to think too much, between now and when it ends. (lmao good luck me) I’m going to spend time with the people who love me. The people I love. I’m going to celebrate from Sunday night until Tuesday evening. I’m going to try and celebrate my life. Everything. I am going to try not to think myself into a dark place. I’m going to try and enjoy myself and live. For now, this dawning saturday, I’m going to see if I can sleep a bit more, and then more work.

all filler no killer

Maybe I’m going to expand on my life here today, because it takes me forever to make an entry on my phone like I did last night, so I gotta keep it short. Currently writing a soul-death article about Grifco garage door remotes and transmitters. Fucking tight. Coffee is kicking in and making me restless style, but also awake, so it’s whatever. The dude who I was training with last night is named Charlie, and I said he was santa clause because he looks like santa and also he literally dresses up in a $600 Santa suit and *Bees Santa* every year. And I can’t decide how I feel about him. He was easy to talk to, and the most helpful person I’ve encountered so far And he wasn’t condescending. but he also leched at and sort of hit on two beautiful young women from Russia who were there for the tour. (They were like… model hot. and it was like joking fun style not super creepy, but also like… kinda gross to me)And then later in the night he said some dumb heteronormative shit like “you meet a lot of beautiful ladies on this job”, and then he looked at me and said “And handsome guys” and I was just like… uuugh, don’t assume I am str8 and like guys. But also I was kinda like… fuck it, let’s meet some handsome guys. *shrugs* Anyway, apparently he became a guide faster than basically anyone else ever has, which is what I want to do, soooo yeah. I’m not scheduled for anything tomorrow, but he said I could shadow his tour if I wanted to, and maybe I want to. How much do I actually care about this? How much time do I actually want to devote to it? That’s a good question that I should ask myself… So I’ll just put it on the pile of other Good Questions I Should Ask Myself, and deal with it later. Nice coping mechanism myself! Okay, I’m guna punch this article in the face with my diiiiiick, and then maybe I’ll be back. *later* Okay, done with that one. Four more to do today, and all the topics are fucking terrible bottom of the barrel bullshit. Really stretching my brain to make them work. Okay, 3 done 3 to go. I think I’m going to take a break and get a workout in, because I’m at peak caffeine and I’m going to be pissed at myself if I don’t do it. Soooo *peace sign* I think I’m just guna end this weird stupid entry here, instead of carrying it on and on as I tediously finish three more stupid articles. I want to be a robot with no emotions, so I’m going to pretend that I am. Laters.

Cotton

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Feeling restless and feckless and spending a month in Nicaragua doesn’t sound too bad to me. I still haven’t heard back about anything, and it’s driving me sort of insane. I e-mailed the tour guide lady yesterday in response to that whole possible job thing and I haven’t heard back yet. I haven’t heard back from the grad school program I applied to either. It’s only been a week, but already I just can’t fucking help but thinking that they rejected me and they just aren’t going to say shit to me, like how the last program I applied to wasn’t going to say shit to me until I contacted them and then they were like… oh, yeah, oh, here’s a PDF rejection letter. Enjoy. Like fuck dude. I know I shouldn’t be basing my future around the idea that I’m going to get in, but I can’t help it. Also, they’re raising our rent by $50 per month, which just generally sucks whole buffets of cocks. Like I have $50 extra bucks just lying around? Naw man, I don’t. Also, I just read back and noticed a fucking typo in the last e-mail I sent the tour lady, so now I can’t help but think that that’s why she didn’t get back to me, because she thinks I’m a fucking idiot who can’t even spot a typo, and therefore does not deserve employment. And hey, maybe I am and maybe I don’t. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. I feel so stressick, honestly. piling weights on myself and holding it. Holding it and nothing but my goal to lighten. I should be prepping myself for sleep, but I’m so so so so restless and anxious, I know that it’s going to come hard. (phrasing) ¬†Heavy is the head. Heavy is the clever heart. Hey, check it out, a bunny!

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Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing. ¬†** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.