Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

OoOOooooOOooooOooo

Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.

 

 

 

On a word

Trying to pull some creative thoughts together. Trying to pull something something anything together. Trying to pull things together, in general. Oronyms and wordless hymns. My hair has gone from being too light for me to being too dark for me,  but I’m hoping it will fade and blend with a few days and a few washes. We’ll see. I should probably cut my nails again. They grow and grow, and it seems just a few days ago. Maybe this time I’ll be Regular Style enough to not have to immediately de-claw myself when the white creeps a few millimeters past the nail bed. Maybe they won’t become too-accessible weapons that I turn unthinkingly against myself. Yeah. Yeah. Y-y-y-y-yeah. sure. yeah. cool. yeah. sure. cool. yeah. I’m glad I went on a bike ride earlier. It was pretty short, but nice. It’s good for my brain. It’s like a leveled-up version of the walks I used to take by myself as a teenager. Faster, more wind. Still music and musing and a delicate balance of freed and occupied thoughts. Tomorrow I need to do a lot of things and get things in order and be responsible and shit. Time passes far too swiftly.

response ability

I feel bowled over and dejected by the weight of the world. Fucking buried. growing hopeless and desperate in equal measure. a heart so wrapped so squeezed so so so so so so so so so so so. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Measure my time out in pages and lines. Measure my time out in strokes and strides. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Today I’ll look up names and keep open eyes. Today I’ll write and lie and ride. Today I’ll see what chords my hands remember. This isn’t fun and folly. This isn’t what I wanted.

The things about stuff

So yeah I’m like… sick or something?? **coughing break** It’s really fucking annoying and I’m really antsy and frustrated because of it. I haven’t gotten any significant exercise in two days and it’s making me feel bad and gross… among other things also making me feel that way that I’m not going to get into right now. My throat hurts a lot and it’s  just generally really fucking annoying okay? My brain feels stupid and I’m over it. I’m so totally over it, I need to be done and well now. When I wake up tomorrow I need this shit to be fucking done. 20 more days ’till the end of the month… which is …. bad for reasons. Buuut I’m not going to get into it right now because I just don’t feel like it bro. **insert various throat pains here** I should make myself tea or something maybe, but I don’t really want to. Also I should definitely take a shower, but I don’t really want to. I’m trying to decide wtf to do with my hair. At this point it’s blond and I’m sorta over it being blond. I wanted to do like… a fun color originally, like purple or whatever, but it didn’t work and my roots are already starting to grow in normal style and it’s like…. such a pain to get it to go back to a “normal”color after doing a wild color so I dunno if it’s worth it at this point, and I was considering a semi-permanent color instead but like… that only lasts a few washes and it would still cost me like $20 which is a lot and that’s annoying. Sooooo I’m kinda thinking of doing like… backward highlights?? where I foil up some blond pieces and dye the rest a brown style color that matches my natural hair close enough to not be weird when it grows back in. That’s not exactly super fun and exciting… but… it’s practical?? and it would probably look decent??? and I think it would be a lot easier than getting highlights via pain bonnet like I did last time (although to be fair I think I kind of enjoyed it??) So, I dunno. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I kinda wanna do something soon. I keep going back and forth about it and it’s annoying and I annoy myself. Okay, I really need to take a shower now so I’m going to go do that. There are a number of things I have to take care of tomorrow. Peace out.

*thumbs up emoji* *sunglasses guy emoji*

What’s up fuckers? I’m feeling like a dead lead weight on top of some other types of weights. or … fucking. something not cool, whatever. Faking being Strong until it feels real, or at least until shit gets done. Until things happen and shit. gets. done. That’s cool, that’s rad. Look at my fucking muscles. See that shit? Strong as hell. Definitely. For sure.  I just lost the opportunity to get $500 worth of freelance work because my goddamn cactus fucking gmail app decided to give me the e-mail notification TWO FUCKING HOURS after the e-mail actually came in. And two hours is waaaaay too fucking late in this circumstance. I replied to it instantly, the minute I got it, and then I saw that the fucking time stamp said it was from 2pm… and my phone decided to notify me at 3:46. Too late hot plate. $500 down the fucking drain. Oh, but hey, but hey man, at least I got the notification for the e-mail telling me the expiration date of my digital library loan right on time. Right on fucking time the second it came in. That’s awesome. I’m so fucking glad. Sure would have been a tragedy if I had to wait on that one. Just downed a big cup of coffee fast style, now style, presently and pressingly. So now, right now, Right n-n-n-n-n-n-now I’m going to go get some exercise, and try not to think about the state of anything. And try not to let myself get swallowed by anything. And try not to focus on how agonizingly slow and agonizingly tedious and agonizingly physically uncomfortable every single second of the experience is… Because exercising is FUCKING FUN AND COOL AND SOOO FUCKING FUN I LOVE IT I CAN’T WAIT TO DO IT LET’S GO LET’S GO RIGHT NOW.