First day of fall. This time last year i was a ghost apprentice still, but only for another week or so. It was my first semester in grad school. Now it’s my last and I’m getting ready to sacrifice another October to this stupid job. I’m so used to it, it’s been a year, but sometimes it still hits me, how fucking weird it is. Here i am, telling ghost stories to 18 strangers. Performing and public speaking and lecturing somehow all at once. Here i fucking am. I wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Rule Following Pretentious Lady asked me today if i was done with school, because she had heard i was closer, and that i was doing a lot of stuff. I was like… No, it’s my last semester, I’m writing my dissertation and i have to take two fucking comprehensive exams. So they talk about me, that’s true. I have the first little section of my dissertation due in less than a week, that’s true. I had an excellent weekend and i didn’t want it to end, that’s true. I should sleep now. Peace.
My heart blooms over the simplest things. You calling me upstairs, because you want my attention and don’t want to wait. Feeling my presence wanted like that just… Yeah. You laying your head in my lap, the way you react to my touch, you telling me, that you love being mine. Fuck. Fuck.
I’m still trying to figure everything out. It’s not easy. It’s not easy at all, at all, at all. My heart gets sore and it riles and roars.
And i don’t know shit, but fuck, i want to have a house and live in it with you. I want to hear you say your name, and the end of it’s the same as mine
My hands smell like leather
I should be asleep i should be asleep i should be asleep
A fucking rough day. I can’t believe i forgot to pay that shit. I was so sure i had already done it. Such a stupid fucking bullshit mistake that could end up costing me $65, and has already cost me a lot of energy.
I should be asleep
I like couldn’t stop crying, for hours. Everything was just hitting me, all at once, triggered by this but just… Everything. All the things i carry, all the shit i feel and fear. All the things that aren’t the way i want them to be.
So I did all the chores that needed to get done, and I drove to my brother’s house, where he lives now, so we could take a walk together. It was a pretty nice walk. I wrote part of a song on the drive home. I got to see the study guide for my comprehensive exam. It’s a little intimidating but i think doable. Also it actually starts at 7am and not 8 … Cuz of the time difference.
I have a bunch of stuff i need to take care of tomorrow, including dealing with aforementioned bullshit, trying to fix up my car, gathering supplies, and packing. I could definitely use a little break.
I should be asleep. (Peace)
I’m listening to the new Murder By Death album, because I just bought tickets to see them on Friday, in a super amazing tiny venue that is also, itself, an immersive work of art, and one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I’m trying to see if I can manage to get a room for the night as well, so we can make a little overnight trip out of it, just chill, and relax, and not have to make the hour+ drive home at 11:30 at night. Buuut, I’m really poor, so we’ll see what happens. I’m excited about the show either way tho.
I managed to get my 3 possible topics for my dissertation turned in yesterday. I’m actually pretty happy with one of them, and I really hope my adviser approves that one, because it’s super unique and thought provoking and actually sort of interesting to me, and I seriously think it would be something that could be published in an academic journal if I can pull it off. My second choice topic is pretty okay, I guess. That was originally going to be my first choice but then I came up with a better one at the last minute, so that was cool. My third choice topic, like… I *could* write it, definitely, but it would be so fucking boring, and I don’t want to. (but I could).
I think I’m just going to re-work an old poem for my stupid CW class, because I have one that is almost exactly what the stupid professor (that I dislike more and more, basically every time he says anything) says he wants. I want to change it up a bit, but overall I think it’ll be fine. Two students submitted their poems already, and they were both pretty terrible, in two different ways, so there’s that. Still, he gave me a fucking 86% on my “poetry exercises” thing, which I think is fucking bullshit, considering it was a dumbass assignment that seemed super subjective and he took off points because I didn’t answer shit the exact way that he would have answered it. Like… okay buddy. Oh-fucking-kay. If I lose my 4.0 over a stupid goddamn creative writing class that I picked because I thought it would be easy and fun, I’m going to be so pissed.
I’m feeling super weird and anxious and pretty bad right now. Maybe just cuz of how weird today was, or because of how much work I have ahead of me, in so many different ways. Or maybe just because of my general feelings, in general. Idk. It’s 2:45am and I should probably be asleep.
I really fucking hope that the dudes remodeling the apartment actually take the day off, tomorrow, Sunday, because I’m fucking exhausted and it’s guna fucking suck if I get woken up by ridiculously loud pounding on the wall right above my head … again.
Last night really was very fun tho. We fucking stayed up until the sun came up, which we haven’t done in a long time. Listening to music and talking deeply and then it started to rain, heavy, with sky flare lightning and booming, rolling thunder. We stood outside for a long time, enjoying the absence of neighbors on both sides of us, going into the street and getting rained on and just… being there. It was nice. Alright, I need to try and sleep. peace.
I’ve been feeling pretty decent overall for the past couple weeks, focused and kinda sorta content, in my way. But I’m suddenly feeling less calm and confident, less sure and focused, more stressed, depressed, jealous, irritated and just fucking angry. Probably hormones are involved but it’s also just … feelings. This assignment is stressing me the fuck out, which isn’t helping anything. Not knowing whether or not I have a tour tomorrow night is also not fucking useful. I want time, and affection, and to have this assignment finished. My bro is going to Mexico tomorrow, for like three days, for his best friend’s wedding. Hopefully he will have a chill, fun time. We hung out with our parents for a little while yesterday, running errands and moving furniture and it was nice. My brain is starting to cook on this assignment, some ideas are starting to form. As I’ve told myself again and again, I need to focus on controlling what I can control. I need to focus on myself, and my goals. I need to make decisions that will further those goals. That is what I need to focus my mind on, instead of obsessing about things that aren’t in my hands. Right now, I need to make my brain focus on this particular task. I need to craft three possible ideas, and pick my favorite, and seal my fate. I applied for graduation. Now I just have to do the work. Peace.
I just left my brother’s apartment for probably the last time ever. Like… ever. I helped him finish cleaning it out and making it nice, and he has his walk-through tomorrow, to see if he gets his security deposit back, and then that’s it. I gave him his spare key back so he could give it to them. We mopped ourselves out, and left. (we also took advantage of the amazing, empty apartment acoustics to loudly and dramatically sing “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” in various musical genres)
A lot of fun, creative, hilarious, exciting, interesting, and melancholy things happened there. I am melancholy about his leaving, strangely sentimental. But it’s good. It’s really, really good. It’s time. Briefly, I find myself nearly overwhelmed with a feeling of excitement at the thought of getting a house. The thought of having a real kitchen to cook in, a real space to build a life. But I don’t want to get my hopes up, and I get scared, to let myself feel that level of happiness. It’s complicated. It’s complicated. It’s complicated.
I need to go to bed. I need to either find or figure out how to fucking get a new registration for my car, because that shit expires on Friday, and tomorrow is Tuesday. That’s definitely a stressful thought upon my brain.
I also have to come up with 3 possible dissertation topics by that day, and finish an annoying exercise for my other class, and apply for graduation. No word yet about whether or not I have to go to fucking Kansas to take my comprehensive exam. I e-mailed my professor about it again just now because she never got back to me the first time. Sooooooooo…….. we’ll see! Peace.
The creative writing workshop class that I’m taking is making me feel kinda glad that I didn’t get into the CW masters’ program that I applied for. I forgot how bougie and pretentious it is. THIS specific type of writing is LITERARY, and if you don’t write stuff that falls between these confines than your writing is IRRELEVANT. And those confines are so fucking narrow, and so fucking boring. That’s why I made my specialization poetry in undergrad, because at least you could play around with words there, you could experiment with form and formlessness and create meaning from unexpected images. Like if I had to try and write?? one more?? “Literary” short story?? A boring motherfucking depressing ass slice of life? Hard pass bro. And workshopping the boring, motherfucking depressing ass slice of life stories of my classmates?? Boy! Sorry to hear that you are all unfulfilled in your relationships, and seeking meaning through self-destructive outlets, and that your nicotine stained fingers tremble, as you go to pull the last cigarette from your crumpled pack, swearing, this time, it’s really your last one, and you smoke it as you drive to a young, beautiful woman’s house, and you cheat on your wife with her, and you feel guilty about it, and you blame the young woman for being too irresistible, because she smiled at you when you spoke to her in the grocery store, and you resent her, for telling you your breath tastes like cigarettes, because that’s the same thing your wife always says, and you don’t want to think about your wife while you’re in bed with this hot young mistake, so you put on your pants, and leave without saying another word to her, and you swing by the gas station on your way home to your wife and buy another pack of cigarettes. Like… Sorry to hear about that bro. Sorry to read a billion fucking “literary” stories that follow this exact same bullshit plot, or an incredibly similar bullshit plot. Boo fucking hoo, you’re a sad in-denial misogynist, and your self-insert character is also a sad, in-denial misogynist? what a coincidence! What a fascinating fucking development! Truly, a brilliant piece of literature.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk about how college creative writing classes actually really stifle creativity and create a culture that mass produces mediocre fucking depressing content that the creators somehow think is edgy, original, and insightful!
I got my new phone today. It’s my b-day present, and I got it activated today. It’s really not much different from my old one at all, but it doesn’t feel like it’s mine yet, if that makes sense. It feels foreign in my hands, not quite right. I feel, suddenly, weirdly attached to my old one. But, I will get over it soon, I’m sure. I haven’t even completely finished setting it up yet. I have all of the primary functions in place, but there are still a lot of secondary functions that I have to get set up. It’s currently at 3% battery, and I’m waiting for it to die so I can give it a nice full charge. It’s white, and I’ve literally never had a white phone before, but I actually think it looks pretty sick. (still, ima get a case for it… cuz… ya know. And also a case might make it feel more like it’s really mine, cuz I always have a case on.)
Still haven’t found out wtf is up with my comprehensive exam, meaning how the fuck and where the fuck I’m supposed to take it. It’s probably best to wait ’till Monday to e-mail my professor about it again?? Idk. Also need to apply for graduation real fast, and for honors society. Like… can’t forget to do those things, or I’ll be fucked. (also have to come up w/ 3 possible topics for my dissertation by next Friday, which I’m a lil nervous about) Alright, it’s getting hella late, I’m guna head up to bed. Peace.