Wild

Wild away the hours

 Like a starving thing

A beast abreast of your pulse

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welding gloves

Here I am again, another night of writing shit for money. I am very very tired, but I still have … like… 8 fucking articles that I have to write before I can sleep, because I procrastinated a shit ton and didn’t do anything yesterday… or today during the day. So now here I am. Hold up. Okay, three done, five to go. It’s almost midnight. Lol. this sucks. In an ideal world, I would be done with this in 2 hours, by 1:45, so I can snag like two hours of sleep before waking up to be a Good Significant Other(tm). Buuuuut I dunno if that’s really possible or not. These are like… bottom of the barrel articles. Weird, obscure topics that are harder for me to write about. Still, I’ll do what I can. Okay. here we go. Lmao I’m writing about fucking toilet parts and stroller boards (which are apparently a thing you can attach to a stroller for like a toddler to stand on or whatever. I literally had no idea it was a thing until about 3 minutes ago) Mkay, those are done. 3 to go. It’s 12:30. We’ll see what happens I guess.  Okay, 2 to go, but now it’s 1:15. I’m Very Tired. lol. lol. lol. C’mon, I can do it. I’ve written 6 of these fucking things since I got home from my tour. Okay. Last round. let’s finish it. Wrenches and water filters. Okay. done. done. okay. I had more stuff I wanted to write, but I’m fucking exhausted and it’s 2:15, so peace.

down boy

I twist my guts up over what ifs  and could be-s and “god, I fucking hope not”-s. Make myself sick with thoughts that sicken me. Okay. Whatever. I try to shut it up and move on. Focus on the good and try to crush the worm of it. It turns out I want to be a handler. Makes sense in ways, but I still found myself a bit surprised, when it came upon me. I plan to plan a scene that focuses heavily in that direction. For soon. For Saturday even, possibly. I dunno. there really are so many things I want to do. How do I make them all fit? I need to be working. I have quite a bit of shit that I have to finish by tomorrow night, and I’m planning on heading in to see my parents for a bit tomorrow, so like…. that’s another thing I have to compensate for, time wise. I need more activity, more exercise. I did a little today but it’s not enough. it’s not enough. Okay, time to write some shit. I feel weird and trapped and gross. Maybe because I’ve hardly been out of the house in a few days, and I haven’t talked to like… hardly anyone. Maybe I’ll feel better after getting out tomorrow and seeing people. I dunno. ugh. I just feel weird and sort of bad in general I guess. I finished one of the *paid in a month* freelance articles I said I would do, only one more of those to go, due early tomorrow, and six more product description ones, due Saturday morning. Gross. I need to finish that one, and then two of the others, and then I can do four tomorrow and it should be fine. Okay, the one is done. It might not pass the editor stage because I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I’ll fix ’em if I have to.Two more to go, and I already started them a little. I’m hoping to be done by 2:45, so I can get a tiny bit of sleep.  Ugh. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing … like… in life. Okay. I finished writing those things. I’m going to go the fuck to sleep now. It’s 5 minutes ’till 2:45. oh boy. Okay, yeah. I’m out. Peace.

talk through

I dunno why it makes me feel better to write through stuff on here, but for some reason it does. My instructor got back with me with notes about the intro/conclusion and outline for my huge ass paper, and she was super encouraging and helpful, and gave me full credit on both even though they were technically like… almost 2 weeks late. So that makes me feel slightly less freaked out about that paper in general,  (but still a little bit freaked out). Also along with these two huge ass papers I have finals for 3 classes in the next few days. lmao. And like… I just feel like I’m getting pulled in a lot of different directions. I have a tour on Saturday night for sure, and prrrobably on Sunday as well. I’m worried about my S.O and want to spend a lot of time focusing on them. {{and doing a variety of things for and to them in general}} I want to get a bunch of stuff and try new stuff. ((I really liked the thing you wrote for me)) I want to get a tiny Christmas tree and decorate it. I *need* to fucking exercise. I just really haven’t been, and it’s really not cool. I need to be doing something active basically every day. I think I’m experiencing… like… a low grade depression. Like I just don’t feel motivated to move, to do stuff. I know that I really fucking need to, but I feel stuck and it fucking sucks. Once again, I’m hoping I’ll be able to shake myself out of it once I get through this patch of school. I’ve also just been letting myself eat stuff, like whatever, and drink a lot and I know that’s A. not fucking cool and B. ultimately makes me feel more depressed. I need to shake myself out of this pattern, it’s gross and I hate it, and it makes me feel gross and hate myself lmao. Anyway, yeah. cool. whatever. I also really wanna do stuff for my animals. The ferret needs more attention / exercise. I want to up-size both of my snake tanks (and I have everything I need to do one, but it’s guna take time) and I want to hook up the beta I impulse bought with a bigger setup as well, even though what he’s got now is technically fine. I have to get alll my fucking paperwork together and sign up for health insurance by the 15th or I’m going to be fucked. lmao. That’s going to be a huge pain and take forever, and I’ll have to go down to the office at least once… but I seriously can’t let that shit slip through the cracks. It’s super important. What else? I dunno. Time is passing really quickly right now, and I should maybe?? try to sleep??? at some point??? But really I should probably do some more work on this paper first, since I literally only have 3 more days to work on it and I probably have tours on 2 of those days. Soooo yeah. okay. peace.

Slog

Hello again. I should really really be doing some school work right now, or some freelance work, or really both would be ideal, buuuuut I’m not doing either. Sorry not sorry. This week is supposedly “fall break”, and I’m letting myself take a bit of a fucking break. On Sunday I’ll buckle down, I’ll get shit together and get *my* shit together and yeah. Hopefully it’ll be okay. But tonight I’m not going to do shit, and tomorrow probably not either. Thanksgiving happened and it was chaotic and we got through it. I had a tour tonight and it was not awesome. The group was just… not that into it. I didn’t like them, and the whole ass thing was stressful and weird, but overall it was okay I guess. It was fine. Tips were not great, but whatever. I’m really fucking tired, and I think I’m honestly just guna lay down and go the fuck to sleep. Idk if that’s the best idea really, like I said, there are soooooo many things I should really be doing right now, but sometimes I really just have to give myself a fucking break. A fucking pass, you know? ugh. yeah. I really want to do stuff, with ropes and needles and objects of various temperatures and levels of rigidity. I have feelings. But I think I would be equally happy to have a simple, relaxing night in with movies and pajamas and snuggling and maybe a little making out. We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see. It’s cold. It’s getting really cold. I’m so tired. I’m going to bed.

rope

I should be doing homework, but I’m not, and that’s like… whateva, ya know? I have lots of stuff and it’s all whateva. Next week is apparently fall break? I guess? and I think I’ll be able to hopefully catch up on some shit. Yeah, whateva. I’ll do some shit tomorrow. Ummmmm yeah. okay. Today was pretty productive overall, and I spent some time with my family. It was good. I’m fucking obsessed with rope stuff right now. Like there are so many fucking ties I want to try right now that I’m sort of overwhelmed with it. I don’t even know where to start or what I should try next. I did some practice last night and it was really good. I’m thinking maybe a full torso diamond tie, even though I know that could only be worn for a short amount of time, or like a full body ladder, but that could probably be worn for even less time lol. I just want to learn a bunch of shit, honestly. I’m like way too pre-occupied with it. I want to learn all the basic and intermediate knots and all the possible combos really, haha, dude. Like I don’t think I can really express how pre-occupied with it I am, but there’s just so much. It’s hard to know where to start, what to try next. yeah. okay. okay. yeah. I’m currently waiting for my nail polish to dry so I can go upstairs, go to bed or whatever. I dunno. I wonder if I’m actually going to have a tour tomorrow or not. It’s weird. If I don’t have one I should for sure for sure go to the gym. I need to be getting more exercise. Also I need to take everyone to the zoo or aquarium still lol. HaaaaaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaaa! I should for sure figure out what the fuck is going on about both of the 15 page papers that I have!!! I should!! For sure!! fucking deal with that. I have to come up with whole ass topics for both of them basically. I have ideas for one but fucking goose egg for the other one. My nail polish needs to hurry the fuck up and dry. It’s the “#christmasdomme” polish that the S.O picked out for me. Ugh. I’m feeling so hype and manic right now and thinking about too much stuff. I need to make more fucking money. I need to figure out when to sign up for more classes, grad school style. Oh shit, looks like I can do pre-enrollment basically whenever. Maybe I will do that soon style. Anyway, yeah. cool. I should go upstairs and like try to sleep now or what the fuck ever. Okay, peace.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye