Cold Compress

It’s been a rough few days. ((and longer sort of but that’s not the point of this entry)) I went out and had dinner with my parents and my brother tonight and it was good. They had a gift card for $100 and they didn’t seem to think we would spend it all but I knew we totally would and we did. Being there with them felt good and hopeful and it didn’t hurt that I had a margarita. The outing was needful, I think,  because earlier I was feeling fucked, having some substantial self-destructive urges. Just wanting to hide, and read, and not knowing how to deal with anything. Our last mammalian pet died a couple days ago. Not totally unexpected but still, it was sudden. Rough. Rough emotionally, and rough having to deal with, and arrange, the physical necessities associated with it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, but I felt the need to acknowledge it. And I couldn’t stop working, touring, writing. But I’ve got a couple days now. Not completely free, but semi-free. And I got to have dinner with people that I love. I got to pick up my check.  I got to come home to a very, very nice bit of writing from a person that I love. though I did maybe feel just a little twinge upon seeing the last sentence of the previous entry  I’m grateful to have a little time. Honestly, I could very much use it. I feel worn and drained of my important soul juices. So here’s to trying my best to re-hydrate them. Peace.

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extol

Today is my five year wordpress anniversary. That seems bizarre and impossible, but also sort of not. It’s almost 3am. It smells like rain. I’m working on a paper. I only need to have like 3 pages of it done, and then I can sleep, and finish the other 3-4 pages tomorrow, before 6:40 in the evening, when I have to get ready for a tour. It’s honestly crazy how overwhelmed I can feel sometimes. Like… just… about everything. About the state of everyone I love. About words that I have to put down on a page and words I have to speak out loud to strangers, again. About what’s happening on someone else’s little fucking pocket rectangle. About water, roaches, food, teeth, skin, doctors, the animals in my care, parking, neighbors, clothing, communication, credit cards, electricity, internet, rent, contracts, home repair, cool air, hair, the unstoppable and horrifying march of time, music, gas, car maintenance, fear.

This is a weird list and I don’t know. But I do know that I feel overwhelmed and honestly, pretty lost. Trying to push forward, to do the things I know I need to do, to the best of my abilities, and trying to do right by myself, whatever that means. Trust, as best as I can, my heart and my guts, and let everything else fall away or fall into place. I don’t know. I don’t even know what i’m saying lol. What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what.

I know it’s late, and I’m fucking tired, and in an ideal world I would be asleep in 45 minutes. But this is not that type of world, sadly, and it’s likely that the only way I could make that happen would be to not even get close on my paper length goal here. That’s really not acceptable, so yeah. I guess I’m going to just be awake as long as it takes.

Maybe I should make a playlist, like I used to do back in some old times. It was nice and good and I liked it, and maybe I should bring it back. I’m thinking about it mostly because I’m hearing and thumbing some new music. Also, because maybe it will make me feel a way that I would like to feel? ((lol… how exactly would I even like to feel?))

OooooooooooOOoooooookay. With the help of a couple ideas and a fairly long direct quote, I officially made it past my 3 page goal. Sooooooo yeah. I think it would be in my best interest to let myself go to sleep now, and grab as much sleep as I can manage to get. Hopefully my brain will be cool, and not make that way harder than it should be. Peace.

 

blogfuck

‘Sup kids? It’s 2am. I’m watching / mostly listening to buzzfeed unsolved, and sort of vaguely trying to get a little bit of freelance work done. I have like… one more week before my summer classes start, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. I guess it’s fine. I guess I don’t care. I feel like I haven’t used my time off very well. (Oh, I got all A-s by the way, as far as grades for last semester go, I don’t think I’ve been here since my last frantic post about finishing my project. Straight A-s for two semesters in a row. Sooo that’s pretty cool I guess. if you care about that sort of thing.) I’m sort of working on writing a song actually, but as usual I’m trying to do something pretentious and annoyingly hard. Soooo we’ll see what happens with that. I need to do more. I guess it just doesn’t really feel much like a break?? Because I’m still doing 2 part time jobs?? It’s not exactly like… a relaxing time, I dunno. I should really be doing as many fucking freelance articles as I possibly can, because I’m aboutta be outta money. Although, I have a sort of feeling that I’m going to be doing a lot more tours than I really want to be, because one of the guides just got fired. Like… my favorite guide, the guy who’s tour I modeled a lot of my tour after. Fired for stealing money basically. Soooo that fucking leaves *two* guides, including me, plus two sort of wishy-washy sometimes guides. It’s not fucking enough, especially going into the summer season dude. It’s been busy as fuck. Last season there were 7 guides, including me, and it was still like… not quite enough. So I dunno what the fuck the owner is thinking honestly. I have a leopard gecko now. His name is Gekkeikan, and he’s super cute. He just ate like four or five crickets, so that’s cool. He’s very nervous overall but he’s slowly getting more comfortable with me. He hunted all his crickets while I was watching this time. (it’s super cute, omg). I’m having some snake tank issues and it’s super annoying but I’m trying my best to get that taken care of as well… soooo yeah! Okay! I’m gunna go ahead and head out now I think. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here really at all. I’m tired and I’m going to go do at least one freelance article I guess and yeah. Peace.

Candle

Hi. I’m still here, more or less. I’ve felt like I’ll somehow curse my life by writing on here, which is silly I guess, but *knocks on wood about it* Anyway, yeah. It’s a busy time. My eyes are tired from being open for so long and I really need to fucking exercise and I should probably consume a vegetable sometime in the relatively near future. Maybe actually get some groceries so I have some type of food in the house. Whatever. whatever. dude, I’m tired. Just one question set and three freelance articles to go, for today. 15 pages from two classes, 12 pages from another, and 25 pages from another = a total of 67 fucking pages of papers that I have to write in the next 1.25 months. Holy fucking shit dude. Holy Fucking Shit. Dude. That’s not to mention the 10 minute presentation I have to somehow?? make?? and the regular weekly work that is still happening. The discussions and reading questions and article summaries. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah! cool, cool, co co co co co co coool! Grad school was a Fun and Good idea! My summer financial aid better come thru, so I can split up my last 4 classes over summer and fall, and only have to take 1 other class while I write my dissertation, instead of taking 3 other classes while writing my dissertation. But, ultimately, we’ll see. We’ll see we’ll see we’ll see. I just want to practice knots and ties and have my body worshiped while I casually sip wine. Jeeze. Why is all of this happening instead? Alright, it’s time for me to do more work. I’m out. peace.

Mending wall

I worry and worry and worry. It’s heavy on me and I feel like even to write it directly would be a curse, so I won’t. Even still, even still. I just dropped $60 on textbooks, and it’s likely I’ll have to spend more soon. It annoys me when I can’t find e-book versions, (preferably FREE e-book versions) of my textbooks, and I have to have physical copies like some sort of peasant. I’m doing an assignment right now that’s going to be turned in late, but maybe it won’t be a huge deal… I’m not sure. It is whatever it is, I suppose. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing… like… about anything… ever. So far I really haven’t gotten a good start to the semester. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I trust myself to get my shit together. *knocks on wood* We went to the library the other night, and I got 5 books. I’m almost done with one of them (it’s a graphic novel, so no great accomplishment) but it’s been a significant while since I’ve read a physical paper book, and it is nice. I want to do more of it. I had a tour tonight and it went really well. First one I’ve had in over a week, and I need the money so it was good, but as usual I did not want to actually go and do it at all. But, it went really well. One of my best ones really. It was just two people, which is always kinda weird, but more or less weird depending on what they are like. They were both very tall, lovely human specimens. Him with a puerta-rican accent somewhat faded by 9 years in the states, and her with a wide bright smile. I could tell right away they would be a good little audience, and they were. Total believers, which is always a bit more fun for me. It’s easier for me to make them get into it. At one spot they were trying to take pictures after I told them “this is the spot, just last week, where two people both got pictures of a creepy translucent face up in that window” (which is a thing that did happen, but it was like 3 months ago, but like… that doesn’t sound as good from a storytelling standpoint) And as they were trying to take pictures both of their cameras started glitching out, and neither would let them actually take a picture when they were pointed at that spot. They both started freaking out, getting really excited, and I was definitely seeing it happening, and I was hyping it up “wow! that’s so cool! I’ve never seen that happen before! How awesome!” but my skeptical, jaded ass was like... eeeeehhhhh whateva it’s probably nothing internally.  But they had a really good time, and the lady kept saying that I was so good, that I was amazing, and then at the end she asked if she could give me a hug, and I was like LOL sure, and it felt like hugging a majestic giantess.  Alright, it’s time for me to Very Quickly finish up this already late assignment, and send it off to my professor with apologies and a healthy dose of “the instructions were confusing” (which is true) and generally see how that goes. Peace.

It’s all a little voice

Giving ghost tours is definitely a weird fucking job. I don’t always know how I feel about it. It’s hard and draining and weird but also pretty cool. And when it goes well it’s really good. Tonight was the biggest group I’ve had in a couple months I think.  14 people all in. And I was excellent. It’s so weird, like, no matter how much I’m not fucking feeling like doing it, no matter what my mood is, no matter how tired or out of it or sad or annoyed or whatever, the second I step out there and start doing it I’m just… On. It’s just going and happening and I’m doing it. Making jokes and building the energy up up up, and just being this tour persona. I was talking to another one of the guides about it a couple weeks ago, he was trying to describe his experience of this same phenomenon to me. “Well… You probably know what I mean.” He says, “I mean, of all the people in the world, if anyone would know, it would probably be you.” And we laugh about it, and it’s a strange sort of comradery. And I just realized, really, that it’s the only job I’ve ever had where I’m not instantly replaceable. Where they couldn’t just get rid of me and have someone new doing my job the next day. It’s months of training and work for a new person, and maybe they could do it, but maybe not. Weird. Okay. It’s almost 3 am so I’m guna let myself sleep for a tiny minute. Peace. 

Post Title

“Share your story here” okay WordPress. Once upon a time it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the 5 articles I promised to deliver. And I really should have been asleep, but I couldn’t fucking sleep, because my brain was awash in thought and ideas and images and full formed games and half formed plans. I start to blame myself. I wasn’t engaging enough. I didn’t inspire enough feeling. And maybe that’s true, and definitely I could always improve, but it’s not fucking useful to berate myself. It’s new still and I’m new at it, still. But I’m good. I have a true spark and flame and flare for it. I found it and it’s mine and I’m finding more of it still. I want to be strong. I want muscles and muscles and it feels good to want that. I have everything I need to forge ahead. I have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. And they all lived happily ever after, the end.