I’ve never felt reluctant to leave a job before, or like I’d miss it. It’s weird. Every day that i have to go do a tour, it feels like the last fucking thing in the world i want to do. I dread it, I’m so over it, but there’s still something about it that i love. Something weird and small and magical about it. being a part of this bizarre, dysfunctional group, doing the most random job ever, it’s cool. It’s special. It’s an elite club and i could explain what it’s like all night, but if you haven’t done it you can’t really know. we know. We’re there together, and we know. It’s also an 11 year old girl walking up front with you, asking you questions and telling you in confidence that she thinks her room is haunted. It’s the look of wonder you see in her eyes and you fed that. You stacked the wood and stoked it. The world is still magical for her and you made it that way. I’m ready to be done, I’m ready for a new chapter, but i think i might miss that.
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
I just emailed my advisor to ask if I actually need to take this creative writing class in order to graduate or not. Looking at my program of study, it really looks like I don’t fucking need it, and if that’s actually the case, I’m going to drop that shit, like… tomorrow… like a hot ass burning ass flaming ass potato. Still, even though I’m pretty sure, I’m going to wait to hear from her before dropping it, just in case, because I really don’t want to ruin everything by being impatient. But yeah, if I can drop it, I’m totally going to drop it. I’ll take that W, and I’ll get on with my life. I have a fucking month long exam to take, that’s basically like another class in and of itself, plus my dissertation and my other exam, just… fuck it man. I’d rather put my creative energies toward making music at this point anyway, and not into trying to please the sensibilities of one particular pretentious old dude.
I’m going to Taos on Tuesday, with my mom and my brother. I really don’t want to, honestly, especially because of how much shit I have to do, and how limited my time feels, but it’s something that my mom really wants, and it’s really the least I can do, considering how much she does for me, and how much she wants to do for me. She’s literally trying to sell this condo so that she can help me with a down payment for a house, so like… the least I can fucking do is go up there with her, and help her take the stuff that she wants to keep, and just… be there for her. It’s the least I can fucking do, and really I’m a selfish, ungrateful asshole for feeling like I don’t want to go. (
but I still feel like I don’t want to go) I don’t want to do the 2 1/2 hour drive twice in two days, I don’t want to sleep on a weird pallet thing in a weird place, I don’ t want to spend one of the only 2 nights this week that I *for sure* don’t have a tour away from home. I don’t want to leave my S.O., ((my fiancee)), for a variety of complex reasons that frankly aren’t the internet’s business. But I’m going to go, because it’s the right thing to do, and I have to live my life, you know? yeah. It’s such a small thing, like really, in the scheme of things, but it sure is stressing me right the fuck out, hardcore stress on stress stressing me the fuck out.
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I should really go the fuck to sleep now. I was supposed to be working on my C.W assignment, but now I’m pretty dang sure I’m guna drop that shit, so I stopped working on it, and I’ll finish it up tomorrow real quick and dirty style if it turns out I can’t drop it. Time for bed. peace.
First day of fall. This time last year i was a ghost apprentice still, but only for another week or so. It was my first semester in grad school. Now it’s my last and I’m getting ready to sacrifice another October to this stupid job. I’m so used to it, it’s been a year, but sometimes it still hits me, how fucking weird it is. Here i am, telling ghost stories to 18 strangers. Performing and public speaking and lecturing somehow all at once. Here i fucking am. I wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Rule Following Pretentious Lady asked me today if i was done with school, because she had heard i was closer, and that i was doing a lot of stuff. I was like… No, it’s my last semester, I’m writing my dissertation and i have to take two fucking comprehensive exams. So they talk about me, that’s true. I have the first little section of my dissertation due in less than a week, that’s true. I had an excellent weekend and i didn’t want it to end, that’s true. I should sleep now. Peace.
I’ve been feeling pretty decent overall for the past couple weeks, focused and kinda sorta content, in my way. But I’m suddenly feeling less calm and confident, less sure and focused, more stressed, depressed, jealous, irritated and just fucking angry. Probably hormones are involved but it’s also just … feelings. This assignment is stressing me the fuck out, which isn’t helping anything. Not knowing whether or not I have a tour tomorrow night is also not fucking useful. I want time, and affection, and to have this assignment finished. My bro is going to Mexico tomorrow, for like three days, for his best friend’s wedding. Hopefully he will have a chill, fun time. We hung out with our parents for a little while yesterday, running errands and moving furniture and it was nice. My brain is starting to cook on this assignment, some ideas are starting to form. As I’ve told myself again and again, I need to focus on controlling what I can control. I need to focus on myself, and my goals. I need to make decisions that will further those goals. That is what I need to focus my mind on, instead of obsessing about things that aren’t in my hands. Right now, I need to make my brain focus on this particular task. I need to craft three possible ideas, and pick my favorite, and seal my fate. I applied for graduation. Now I just have to do the work. Peace.
One paper done and submitted. One left to go, due tomorrow. (but I have a tour tomorrow night so I have to finish it before that) And this one is for my super annoying picky as fuck professor who likes to give me shit and fuck with my grades over tiny little formatting errors, while simultaneously praising my mastery of the material. *sarcastic thumbs up emoji* So I’m sort of more nervous about this one than I was about the longer one because basically this paper is prrrobably going to decide whether I get an A or B in the class. That shit makes me nervous. I have a lot of feelings. Like… dude. Feelings all up in this fucking piece. The skin around my eyes feels sore and raw. It’s very distracting when your brain plays worst case scenarios on an endless loop in the background of all of your thoughts constantly forever. It makes it really hard to get shit done, honestly. Also, fuck Tennessee Williams, honestly. I fucking know that being alive is a horrifying experience, and that the illusions we cling to can never truly save us from that sense of quiet desperation that we harbor in our dark hearts. I fucking know, okay? It’s like… obvious. I never, ever, for any reason, ever in my life, need to read, or see, a whole ass depressing ass play about it. Why couldn’t you write some shit about finding joy in the crevasses, or cautious optimism, or the way the terrible wonder of the universe can suddenly hit you, fully, when you’re driving down a city street as the sun goes down, and the street light in front of you turns yellow, replacing the sun for the span of three breaths just as it slips below the mountains. And you almost want to pull over, because you just feel it all welling up inside of you, the liquid light of a billion exploded stars singing in your blood, but you have a place to be, so you just turn your music up a little louder and sing your favorite line. Or like… he coulda written about some cute ass dogs or something.
It’s been a rough few days. ((and longer sort of but that’s not the point of this entry)) I went out and had dinner with my parents and my brother tonight and it was good. They had a gift card for $100 and they didn’t seem to think we would spend it all but I knew we totally would and we did. Being there with them felt good and hopeful and it didn’t hurt that I had a margarita. The outing was needful, I think, because earlier I was feeling fucked, having some substantial self-destructive urges. Just wanting to hide, and read, and not knowing how to deal with anything. Our last mammalian pet died a couple days ago. Not totally unexpected but still, it was sudden. Rough. Rough emotionally, and rough having to deal with, and arrange, the physical necessities associated with it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, but I felt the need to acknowledge it. And I couldn’t stop working, touring, writing. But I’ve got a couple days now. Not completely free, but semi-free. And I got to have dinner with people that I love. I got to pick up my check. I got to come home to a very, very nice bit of writing from a person that I love.
though I did maybe feel just a little twinge upon seeing the last sentence of the previous entry I’m grateful to have a little time. Honestly, I could very much use it. I feel worn and drained of my important soul juices. So here’s to trying my best to re-hydrate them. Peace.
Today is my five year wordpress anniversary. That seems bizarre and impossible, but also sort of not. It’s almost 3am. It smells like rain. I’m working on a paper. I only need to have like 3 pages of it done, and then I can sleep, and finish the other 3-4 pages tomorrow, before 6:40 in the evening, when I have to get ready for a tour. It’s honestly crazy how overwhelmed I can feel sometimes. Like… just… about everything. About the state of everyone I love. About words that I have to put down on a page and words I have to speak out loud to strangers, again. About what’s happening on someone else’s little fucking pocket rectangle. About water, roaches, food, teeth, skin, doctors, the animals in my care, parking, neighbors, clothing, communication, credit cards, electricity, internet, rent, contracts, home repair, cool air, hair, the unstoppable and horrifying march of time, music, gas, car maintenance, fear.
This is a weird list and I don’t know. But I do know that I feel overwhelmed and honestly, pretty lost. Trying to push forward, to do the things I know I need to do, to the best of my abilities, and trying to do right by myself, whatever that means. Trust, as best as I can, my heart and my guts, and let everything else fall away or fall into place. I don’t know. I don’t even know what i’m saying lol. What the fuck do I know? Nothing, that’s what.
I know it’s late, and I’m fucking tired, and in an ideal world I would be asleep in 45 minutes. But this is not that type of world, sadly, and it’s likely that the only way I could make that happen would be to not even get close on my paper length goal here. That’s really not acceptable, so yeah. I guess I’m going to just be awake as long as it takes.
Maybe I should make a playlist, like I used to do back in some old times. It was nice and good and I liked it, and maybe I should bring it back. I’m thinking about it mostly because I’m hearing and thumbing some new music. Also, because maybe it will make me feel a way that I would like to feel? ((lol… how exactly would I even like to feel?))
OooooooooooOOoooooookay. With the help of a couple ideas and a fairly long direct quote, I officially made it past my 3 page goal. Sooooooo yeah. I think it would be in my best interest to let myself go to sleep now, and grab as much sleep as I can manage to get. Hopefully my brain will be cool, and not make that way harder than it should be. Peace.
‘Sup kids? It’s 2am. I’m watching / mostly listening to buzzfeed unsolved, and sort of vaguely trying to get a little bit of freelance work done. I have like… one more week before my summer classes start, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. I guess it’s fine. I guess I don’t care. I feel like I haven’t used my time off very well. (Oh, I got all A-s by the way, as far as grades for last semester go, I don’t think I’ve been here since my last frantic post about finishing my project. Straight A-s for two semesters in a row. Sooo that’s pretty cool I guess. if you care about that sort of thing.) I’m sort of working on writing a song actually, but as usual I’m trying to do something pretentious and annoyingly hard. Soooo we’ll see what happens with that. I need to do more. I guess it just doesn’t really feel much like a break?? Because I’m still doing 2 part time jobs?? It’s not exactly like… a relaxing time, I dunno. I should really be doing as many fucking freelance articles as I possibly can, because I’m aboutta be outta money. Although, I have a sort of feeling that I’m going to be doing a lot more tours than I really want to be, because one of the guides just got fired. Like… my favorite guide, the guy who’s tour I modeled a lot of my tour after. Fired for stealing money basically. Soooo that fucking leaves *two* guides, including me, plus two sort of wishy-washy sometimes guides. It’s not fucking enough, especially going into the summer season dude. It’s been busy as fuck. Last season there were 7 guides, including me, and it was still like… not quite enough. So I dunno what the fuck the owner is thinking honestly. I have a leopard gecko now. His name is Gekkeikan, and he’s super cute. He just ate like four or five crickets, so that’s cool. He’s very nervous overall but he’s slowly getting more comfortable with me. He hunted all his crickets while I was watching this time. (it’s super cute, omg). I’m having some snake tank issues and it’s super annoying but I’m trying my best to get that taken care of as well… soooo yeah! Okay! I’m gunna go ahead and head out now I think. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here really at all. I’m tired and I’m going to go do at least one freelance article I guess and yeah. Peace.
Hi. I’m still here, more or less. I’ve felt like I’ll somehow curse my life by writing on here, which is silly I guess, but *knocks on wood about it* Anyway, yeah. It’s a busy time. My eyes are tired from being open for so long and I really need to fucking exercise and I should probably consume a vegetable sometime in the relatively near future. Maybe actually get some groceries so I have some type of food in the house. Whatever. whatever. dude, I’m tired. Just one question set and three freelance articles to go, for today. 15 pages from two classes, 12 pages from another, and 25 pages from another = a total of 67 fucking pages of papers that I have to write in the next 1.25 months. Holy fucking shit dude. Holy Fucking Shit. Dude. That’s not to mention the 10 minute presentation I have to somehow?? make?? and the regular weekly work that is still happening. The discussions and reading questions and article summaries. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah! cool, cool, co co co co co co coool! Grad school was a Fun and Good idea! My summer financial aid better come thru, so I can split up my last 4 classes over summer and fall, and only have to take 1 other class while I write my dissertation, instead of taking 3 other classes while writing my dissertation. But, ultimately, we’ll see. We’ll see we’ll see we’ll see. I just want to practice knots and ties and have my body worshiped while I casually sip wine. Jeeze. Why is all of this happening instead? Alright, it’s time for me to do more work. I’m out. peace.