My only-est plate

I’ve got a lot of stuff on my only-est plate. I’m so fucking exhausted and I really just want to be asleep now, but like I said… stuff. plate. My last entry was suuuuper dark, and I’m kinda sorry about that, but it was for sure how I felt at the time. I’m not 100% sure how this one is going to come across, but oh well lmao. Let’s just get into it.

  • Activities happened last night. The “away mission” and the first part of the night went really well and were very fun, but then it sorta fell apart in a big way. Shit got weird and emotional AF and I ended up talking about shit I wasn’t really planning on talking about. I still feel kinda bad, like I fucked it up and didn’t read the situation right. It felt so big, like so much was riding on it… but… yeah. I dunno. If the S.O is okay, and okay with it than ultimately I am as well, and we can move forward.
  • I managed to bruise the absolute shit out of my palm during said activities. I really don’t bruise easily **at all** so this is like… serious business. It goes all the way up to my fingers. It’s really fucking annoying ’cause it’s my right hand and I use it for literally everything.  It doesn’t show up super well in pics, but here’s proof for posterity.IMG_20171013_005652
  • I have a mid-term that I have to take tomorrow, and I should be studying for it right now instead of writing this shit. I’m kinda nervous about it, I’m not going to lie. It’s a two hour test with essay questions and shit. (open internet tho lol)
  • Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, in October, and I’m a ghost tour guide. It’s going to be absolutely fucking packed, there are already 56 people signed up for the 8pm tour and 45 people signed up for the 10pm tour. I’m guide #2 for both, and I will probably have to do both, and that’s really going to fucking suck. Same deal for Saturday, but fewer people so far.
  • My little brother is the best, and he brought me some absolutely foul tasting “singers saving grace” throat spray to help my voice not get fucked up when I have to talk for 3 hours straight.
  • I have a bunch of other homework due on Sunday, including a weird thing for my film class where I have to watch a (probably super boring) movie and do all kinds of screen shots and write about them and shit. And I’ll *probably* have a tour Sunday as well, unless I get magically super lucky.
  • Oh shit, I’m supposed to memorize a fucking list of Friday the 13th facts before my tour tomorrow. lmfao. awesome.
  • I really need to get my shit together as far as eating better and exercising more is concerned. I want to continue to make progress, and I certainly don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I need to get my shit together in that arena. I’ve been so busy, but I need to make time for it and I need to be mindful, vigilant. It’s really that simple.
  • Today was pretty nice tho. I didn’t do shit, even though I definitely should have. Like a full day of doing nothing, of softness and aftercare. And my love falling asleep on my chest while I held them. Just fully asleep, head on my chest, wrapped in my arms. Safe. Mine. That was honestly the most calm and peaceful and just… content I’ve felt in like… a long time. Too long.
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4th and 5

Hello, hi, hi, hello. It’s midnight, I’m exhausted, I’m trying to do all my homework. Tonight I did my fourth full tour, and my first full tour without the safety net of an experienced guide as my assistant. And it went… really well. It rained, on and off, the whole time. We did the “rain route” for some of the stops, which basically just means standing under awnings whenever possible. Overall it went quite well, I got good reactions and overall enthusiasm. I also netted a total of $28 in tips, a personal best, which I split with my little ninja quiet assistant. I didn’t need to be nervous. I had it down. (I could still stand to practice my intro a bit more tho, really). I did a tour last night as well, and then at like 2am I got an e-mail, (me and literally everyone else who works for this tour company) It was from The Boss Lady, and it was an e-mail congratulating me, for already getting a 5 star review, and it included a copy of the review. It was good, and nice, and I am weirdly embarrassed that she sent it to literally everyone in the company, omg. Everyone was congratulating me today and i was embarrassed, but also, glad really. I need to write up a little bio of myself for the company website, and I hate doing shit like that. I also have to do four fucking discussion board discussions before my tour tomorrow night. I’ve officially completed 3 of my 5 days of tours in a row. I’m tired. I’m so tired. But tonight was good, tonight was alright. I love the rain, and I think it really adds to the overall experience for people. It’s really draining for me to do these. It takes a lot of energy to be so “on” for so long. Just talking and talking and trying to be entertaining, it’s seriously **a lot**. The boss lady kept saying that she always feels really hyped up after she finishes a tour, but I just feel exhausted AF. It takes a lot out of me, for sure. Maybe I’ll get more accustomed to it. But yeah, I did it. Now, I really really gotta get some of this school work taken care of. My life is weird now. weird.

garden

I’m suddenly feeling super overwhelmed again. I was feeling chill for a couple days but now I’m dying lmao. tight. tight. I just finished my homework assignment that’s due in 2 hours, and turned it in. I feel kinda sick, anxiety styles. I have tomorrow night off, but then I work for the next 5 fucking nights. That…… really sucks yo. It’s too fucking much. It’s honestly, seriously, too fucking much. I feel overwhelmed, and like I’m not a good enough ghost guide, and I need a ton of practice, and maybe really I’ll never be good enough, and maybe I don’t even really want to do this??? like… why am I even doing this?? It’s stressing me the fuck out?? And I reeeeallllyyy don’t wanna work for 5 nights straight. Also I have a 1,500 word essay about some shit I 100% haven’t read due on Friday, and 3 discussion board discussions from one class due Sunday, and a 400+ word discussion from another class due Sunday, and two assignments form my 4th class due Monday. … And I work Thurs, fri, sat, sun, and mon night. At least two of those nights are for sure *my* tours, and fucking two more of them might turn out to be, because one of the other guides just got fired, which I think was a fucking stupid ass move, because this is literally going to be the busiest month of the year, and they hired me so they could have an **extra** person, but now they’re basically back to square one except now they have someone suuuuuper inexperienced (me) Instead of someone with over a year of experience. Cool. Awesome. Awesome. Cool. Fuck. I need to practice my intro yo. I need to practice everything. I should probably stay up all night and get my homework done, right??? That would be the smart move, because I seriously fucking need **one** full day off, where I don’t have to do anything and I can maybe hopefully de-stress myself, or like… I dunno. Shit’s guna be unfortunate. It already feels unfortunate. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing lmao. I should do more work now. peace.

Stay whelmed

Holy shit you guys. I’m suddenly feeling soooooooo fucking overwhelmed. Let’s make a list of ALL THE THINGS I have to do and also things that are happening.

  • 5 freelance articles due by Monday, I’m trying to knock out some (if not all) of those tonight
  • Another client keeps bugging me about that weird side project, that I really don’t have time to do, but they are threatening to exclude people who don’t do more from the next part of the project
  • Weekly assignments due Sunday/Monday in two classes
  • I tried to take the weekly quiz for a class and the internet briefly died after I finished the second question and the quiz was automatically submitted so I got a fucking 2/10. I e-mailed the professor and hopefully he will be cool and let me re-take it, but who fucking knows.
  • I have an ACTUAL FUCKING PAPER due on Sunday, that requires 3 sources and a works cited and all of that shit. LMAO fuck.
  • I’m scheduled for a tour on Saturday night and there is a high probability that I will have to do one tomorrow night as well.
  • I need to work on getting all the stories down… like… within the next few days.
  • My fucking drivers license will be officially expired tomorrow, so I gotta make it down to the MVD and deal with that shit.
  • I’m having issues dealing with a financial aid thing that I’m trying to get and they are being difficult difficult lemon difficult.

So yeah, I’m like… feeling super fucking overwhelmed. Also I’m pretty sure my period is about to start in the next few days, which is definitely definitely not helping me feel stable and calm. I’m having emotions and thinking about personal life shit and it’s all too much man. I’m trying really hard not to freak the fuck out tbh. I’m even feeling some bullshit self destructive urges which hasn’t happened in a while. I need to chill out and I need to fucking work. So that’s what I’m going to try to do right now, for the next few hours. I might update this or I might not, we’ll see. peace.

*update* 1:50am. Wrote all 5 freelance articles. Didn’t do any of the weird side project but might spend a few minutes knocking some out before I go to bed. My plan is to *hopefully* *knocks on wood* get that quiz sorted tomorrow and finish everything else for that class and go deal with my drivers’ license. Then I’ll have Saturday before my tour and Sunday before Kansas midnight to do the paper. The shit that’s due on Monday I’ll do on Monday before Kansas midnight. That’s my plan. That’s the plan. We’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see. Okay, night. *Update again* lmao I forgot to figure out when I’m going to make time to write out / memorize / practice all my ghost stories. Lmao. I guess I’ll just have to cram that in somewhere. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. Okay, peace for realz

:-* 

Is this a place I’ve been in a dream? Do I dream now? No. Painfully clearly no. A strange and jarring alarm will sound in just a half hour. I’ve slept only an hour, but finished three assignments. It’s strange again to be a student. It’s strange again. A good day. Visits with friends and family. All of them want to see me. All of them want to see me perform. I am less afraid to disappoint than I was just yesterday. It’s all building and bubbling and coming together. Two days off after tomorrow. The note was very nice. A good surprise for me and only me and love. It’s stupid probably, but sometimes it bothers me to think that maybe there are people out there in the world wishing that I was out of the picture. Wondering in their little secret hearts what could be if I was. I imagine I feel the phantoms of their negative thoughts about me, fluttering like moth wings, alighting on my shoulders and leaving a powder fine residue behind. I dunno. Ten minutes and ten seconds now until a warp core collapse. I’m at the point in my new piercing’s healing process where I have to start disregarding the prescribed aftercare. I know what works for my body. I know what sort of aftercare I need. 

worklate template

Things I’m currently doing:

-Writing two freelance articles simultaneously

– Doing a weird side project for another client that I have to do in order to be in the running for a supposedly ongoing writing project later

– Trying to find online versions of my grad school textbooks

-Trying to work out my grad school schedule for the week and what I have due and when

– Feeling generally overwhelmed about fucking everything lololololololololololol

I also really need to practice my fucking ghost stops, but like… when?? lol. I hate doing it here. I can’t do it right now while the S.O is trying to fucking sleep. My brother said that I could do it on your walks, just like… do it while we walk. I think that’s a good idea and I want to try that, but it isn’t enough. I need more practice than that. I want to have it all down perfectly so it isn’t a thing I have to think about or worry about any more at all. That’s the goal. Wait, hold on *does a side project thing* okay, so yeah. I’m overwhelmed lol. It’s suddenly just… a lot. Honestly?? I would prrrobably consider dropping out of the ghost tour thing, even though I do like it, and do think I’ll be good at it, except that like… everyone in my life thinks it’s the coolest shit ever, and wants to come see me do it, so like… I would feel pretty dumb if I just said J/K Dudes! I gave up because it was hard and I was busy! Like… that’s not really my style, so I’m going to stick it out, and do my best, and practice. Hold on, I have to go write an article about bike tires or some shit. Okay, I wrote one about bike tires and one about phone cases. Now I’m gunna do a little of the weird side project. Oh, and also I forgot I have money in my upwork account that I should for sure transfer to my bank. Okay, done with that. Now I’m guna write about money handling equipment and plastic modular food storage units. Also, I apparently stabbed under the nail bed of one of my nails, which is a thing I haven’t done in quite some time and thought I was basically over doing, buuut there ya go. Soooo I guess I should clip my nails or something or whatever. Okay, finished writing both of those and did another round of the weird side work. That leaves just one more article for this little unit of time. I should probably do it right now. But also, it’s 1am and I’m guna have to wake up (albeit briefly) at 3:45 … so like… ugh. Actually, whatever. fuck it. Let’s write it. It’s guna be about bike lights and reflectors. Let’s just kill it and be done. Also, I got a new car stereo today, I’d definitely like to get that put in soon so I can have music in my car again. I miss having music in my car. Ok, I gotta go write. Okay, fucking done with that. Gunna do one more super quick round of weird side work, and then I’m heading to bed, to lay down for two hours. Tight. tight. t-t-t-t-tight. Shit’s weird man.

 

Tourture

Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop.  Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P.