Current standing

Hi. I’m here. It’s been a minute, but I’m here. Things are happening and I don’t know how much of it I actually want to talk about, but I guess I’ll just go for it. Maybe I’ll do a bullet list.
🍃 I had a phone interview for a random job giving historical /ghost tours. I think it went well. I’m going on a tour on Sunday and then talking to her again. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, whateva.
🌷 I applied for grad school again. Different program, different school, all online. Haven’t heard back yet. Really fucking hope I get in. Haven’t really told people about it, cuz last time I told everyone, and then I didn’t get in and it sucked to have to tell them all about my failure lol. So, I guess we’ll see. If I get it, nice. If not, Fuck.
🌹 my *idol* replied to my comment today. (Technically yesterday now) and I died lol. It had me feeling some type of way all day long. I’m not getting into specifics of who or what, or what my comment was, but she said “that’s all I could ever ask for” h-h-holyshit. Wow. I almost didn’t even wrote the stupid comment cuz of lack of confidence reasons, but I’m very glad I did. It’s all relevant, it’s all related
🌾 I currently have absolutely no money and a shit ton of shit to pay, including my whole ass month’s rent, 3 cc bills within the next 4 days, and a phone bill. I am currently fucked, and freaked out about all of that. Fucked. Freaked. Getting into grad school could save me here too… Because financial aid. But nothing is certain and I’m fucking scared.
🍀 I’m pulling for the best all around, for me and for those I love so painfully well.  I’ll do what I can, for them and myself and the whole damn earth.

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

OoOOooooOOooooOooo

Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.

 

 

 

The 22nd-ing

Feeling fucking bad yo. Dejected as fuck. Guilty, worried. If I spend literally $0 I’ll have exactly $4 less than I need to pay the last credit card bill of the month. Maybe I can scrounge for some fucking change. Maybe one of you 288 people wanna hook it up for me. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad!I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I applied for 6 (or possibly 7 I honestly don’t remember) freelance jobs on upwork today, and I’m going to try for more tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything back yet. Haven’t been too keen to take new assignments via that website cuz they take a fucking 20% cut now but… I’ll take anything at this point. Maybe one of you 288 people want to hire me to write something. I can write fucking anything. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. A dude in his 40s hit on me at the store today. Like… Pretty aggressively. Like… Followed me down two separate aisles trying to engage me despite my super clear non-interest / actively trying to get away. He finally said “we should exchange numbers” and I said “I don’t want to do that. Peace.” And continued walking away and he finally left me alone. I was not in a good state to have to deal with that. Like honestly it wasn’t even that big of a deal but I was already feeling worn, sad, weak and vulnerable and it kinda fucked me up. Like… Tearing up in the car, slightly shaking status. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it out loud when I got home so here we fucking are. Yeah. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Tomorrow brings more applying and applying myself. Also my dad’s birthday is Saturday and I need to figure out how to get him something with my $-4. Hit me up if you wanna make a charitable donation or commission me to write literally anything. (That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!)

longwindedworkrambles(part2)

  • 11done4togo Brain thoughts, brain thoughts do me a sold and go faster. please. fucking hook it up bro. I’ve got four more things to write and I’m exhausted and it’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m chewing a piece of energy gum and doing everything today. 11 guides done and it will be 15 and if everything works out the way I want it to work out I’ll have made $600 in 3 days by like 5 or 6pm tomorrow that is. yeah. Basically, I need to kill these last four, queue up five more, try my best to pass the fuck out immediately, sleep for (hopefully) six hours, wake up and write those five things I claimed before their 12 hour time limit expires. and yeah, that’s basically my plan. I’ve been writing them two at a time because it seems to go faster and it gives my brain a little more to do? or like, if I’m stuck on one I can just go work on the other one for a minute and then I’ll figure out whatever it is I need to say on the other one. yeah. let’s go.
  • 13done2togo. Brain is rushslow caffeinedead. Beat beat beat but the words still come too slow. Push them all out, please, please, please. The queue is starting to dwindle but god, but god, I don’t want to have to grab them all quite yet. I’ve got two and I want I want I want a little more time to grab the others. Please, please. aaanyhooo… I should get back to work now.
  • 15done0togo. Brain fucking pulled it off dude. hellz yeah. Now I’ve really really really goooottta try n sleep for a few hrs. prolly gunna not post this now and just continue it tomorrow or whatever. peace.


~~the next day~~



  • 5 in the queue one done. I feel like I’m fucking dying. I’m so fucking tired and I can’t think and I have to just fucking think because the time is not stopping  not slowing down. The time is just going and going and I fucking hate it so much. I don’t even know what the fuck to do with myself. I hate this. I feel so fucking wrecked and just like… I can’t stop thinking about the $85 of bills I have due in 7 days and have absolutely no fucking way of paying. Like I’m trying to fucking work and get my shit done but I keep obsessively thinking about that shit and feeling horrible about it. **thumbs up** After I’m done with all of this fucking work (it’s all due in 3 hrs so … I have to be done by then) I’m going to take pictures of all this shit and try to put it on e-bay, which I know is going to be a difficult and taxing task on its own. After I finish these I will have made $620… which is exactly $380 less than I need to pay all of my bills in a month. That’s not including any food or any extras or any other fucking being alive money. Basically, I’m having a fucking breakdown about my life right now and feeling horrible and trying to somehow fucking concentrate on this bullshit.
  • 4 in queue two done. coffee kicked in a little bit. Just trying to numb myself and concentrate and bounce my fucking knee all over the place and listen to music but just let it wash over me, and bounce my knee, and numb myself out and write. why do i feel like my heart is breaking right now
  • 2 in queue four done. don’t know if I’ll have time for both of them but I’ll try. Cutting it close and cutting it closer. No more time to waste here.
  • 0 in queue six done. cut it close. less than 20 minutes left on that last one. Brain still is the dead. Heart is beat beating because of caffeine now tho. Hands a bit shake shake because of no food yet. Soul weary. Soul worried. Maybe feeling slightly relieved, I dunno. I need more. This turned out weird and bad but I’m guna publish it anyway because fuck it.

wedding writing live blog

Started off today with 10 wedding guides to write, I now currently have 9. 9 to do in 6 hours. Does that shit sound overwhelming to me? Why yes, yes it kinda fucking does. Does that shit sound doable to me? Why yes, yes it fucking does. It’s all just what it is, you know? I honestly just mostly wish it was a much much much much larger batch of work. This is just… not enough. Not nearly enough. $200 that I can have in a fucking month. Not even close to enough. Even still, even still, I need to do it and I’m going to do it, and I just really hope that another batch comes close on its heels. It’s happened before, we’ll see.

  • 8 to go, 5 hours and 10 minutes. I got it I got it I got it I got it. I just gotta keep fucking going and not stop for anything really and just keep fucking going and it’ll be fine maybe maybe hopefull I fucking hope so but we’ll see haha yeah, awesome. awesome. Here we go. here we go.
  • 3 down 7 to go. Time is going really fast and sorta freaking me out, but I think it will probably be okay. I think. I dunno. I needa keep concentrating.
  • 4/6 split. I was really hoping my parents would go to taos this week and I would watch the house/dogs for them and they would pay me some type of money to do it and that would have been rad because I currently own slightly less than $20 and I have like $100 worth of bills due in 9 days… but… it seems like that isn’t going to happen. sooooo yeah.  **general panicked screaming**
  • 5/5. halfway there. 38 minutes ahead of my ultimate ~write continually or you’re fucked~ deadline. that’s … not great. this is guna be cutting it close bro.
  • 6/4 split. 33 minutes of grace time. fuck. ugh. whateva. ugh. whateva. dodging copyscape with simple word phrases, because we can’t have me plagiarizing from other things that I literally wrote, now can we?
  • 7/3. 29 minutes of grace. **slight panic** … it’ll probably be fine it’ll probably probably probably be fine.
  • 8/2, 21 graceful grace minutes. I’m feeling pretty calm about it now actually, because that should be enough. Only two more. I’m so fucking ready to be done writing stuff.
  • 9/1 , 8 fucking gr8ce minutes. lololololololololololololololololol cool. cool. co co co co co co co co cool.
  • 10/0. fucking 6 minutes left on that grace period clock. Talk about cutting that shit close bro. bro. bro. bro. close bro. freakin’ close bro. Okay, I’m done now and I’m going to go fucking eat something or whatever because I’ve been working forever and doing nothing else and drinking coffee and now I’m super hungry and pretty shaky. yeah. peace.