hear still

Hey, it’s been a minute, hu? I have like a couple abandoned drunken poems that I started and then couldn’t think of a next line or whatever so I abandoned them, so yeah. that’s whatever. I’m working on personal projects because a long boring story of a thing happened that made me suddenly feel… incredibly discontent with not getting credit for my own work. It’s different if I’m just writing content for a website, and no one is getting credit for it and it’s just credited to the website itself. That’s like… I can live with that. But dude I found an article I ghost wrote for $11 and the person taking credit for it was the VP of Marketing of a huge fucking company. Like she has got to have a fucking 6 figure salary at least and she’s fucking taking credit for my work. Acting like an expert in her field with the help of words I wrote for $11. Bro. Dude. Dude. Bro. For some reason that like… killed my soul guts. SO I’ve been working on two personal projects, one fairly short one novel long. I’m more or less 10% done with both. We’re going on a fucking trip in like 10 days (9 days now I suppose omfg) and I’m like… I’ve got a bunch of shit I needa take care of and get in order before then and I’m getting freaked out about it kinda. But … hopefully I can do it all and it will be okay. I’m not going to think about it anymore right now. I got a lot of exercise today and it was very nice. I went to the gym and then like 20 seconds after I got home my brother texted me and asked if I wanted to go ride razor scooters around the university. I was like… sure, let’s do it. And it was honestly so fun. He brought his dog and his dog ran and we scooted and it’s good exercise, seriously. There were quite a few people around but they were all amused by us and the tiny dog and our scooting around scoot scoot scoot. I kept going ahead and making the dog chase me, thus pulling my brother’s scooter. Ugh, it’s so late and I’m having so many feelings.  I’m currently listening to a pretty weird new album my one of my all time faves, I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. Okay, I promised myself I would do at least some work on my other project, so I’m going to go do that, and then I’m going to try and sleep I suppose. Peace.

stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

gallery forest

I’ve lots of things I should be writing, feel like writing. The Novel(tm) should be taking precedence probably, but… I also want to write a short horror story. (5k to 10k words, so, really… not all that short) but I don’t exactly have a plot for it, I just saw a place was looking for them. May 1st deadline. Could be interesting, could be fun. Also for a while I’ve been wanting to write an informative / funny blog on here about How Not To Die When Riding Your Bike Through A Busy City At Night, but I keep not actually doing it. When I return from such bike rides the shower calls to me and then something else will come up and then suddenly I’m over it for the moment. I want to write long, longwinded, redundant, rambling passages exploring my nature. About my body and its visceral reactions. About how such exchanges go beyond enjoyment, and I come alive to all that it is to be myself. I could devote pages and chapters trying to explain it better, but I don’t know that I would be able to. Unstrung and yet played. A tune that swells and recedes but the heart chords always sing out the same. this too, this too is you. *clears throat* as I was saying, I have a slew of ideas and vague things on my writing plate at the moment, but I seem to be having trouble delving too deeply into any of them. I need to, though. I need to. And I need paying work, preferably the kind without a one month delay. I need that terribly, desperately badly. I mislike having my ONE selling fluids, though it seems needful at this moment. I feel … cowardly for not feeling up to trying it myself. We will have to wait and see, I suppose, how things play out. For now I should swallow down this pink and white capsule, and give myself over to sleep.

auto motives

It’s been an extremely long day. Went back to the junkyard at 10am to pull a strut out of a dead volvo. We ended up pulling two and then picking the one that looked better. We forgot to bring a breaker bar for added – bolt removal – leverage, so we scoured the fucking junkyard until we found a random hollow bar-shaped piece of a truck that worked. From there to a westside pit stop, and then into Rio, for piles and piles of laundry while performing car maintenance. Grease and brake line cleaner and laundry detergent.  Heavy metal clanging to the ground after long minutes of delicate-but-firm rubber mallet pounding. Selecting the delicate cycle and cleaning the lint trap. Soldering severed electrical wires in the brake system, remembering to add a dryer sheet, kneading chemicals like clay to form a polymer and then spreading it over a sprawling crack. And while the adhesive set, a trip to the store. A trip to the store where I scored a new pair of cheap-but-comfortable tennis shoes, along with a few food style supplies. Then pulling piping warm clothes from the dryer, and adding a layer of industrial strength tape over the polymer patch. So strong it pulled at my skin in a way that threatened removal. Finally a shower, and into clean clothes, as the last of my junkyard garb swirled with suds. A quiet hour on the couch with my parents, watching nothing and trying to write and helping my mom with her computer. Four trips to the car to load everything up, and a long drive home. A long drive home with no squeaks or creaks or sputters.

More one more

it won’t make you better just
More
Keep your own word
You
Have seen enough today
And
You’ve been enough today
Fall
Is already licking your heels at
Night
Cool air and breeze streams
Wait
For glow leaves and Halloween
Black
Cats and bats and silken skies
All
Crowd around to terrorize
The
Secret heart you keep up close
It
Spits and sputters all morose
Just
Until it kisses kindling
Then
Forges it’s own beginning