Ask and ye shall receive? Maybe? I don’t know. But I do know that I was talking about how desperately I wanted to get a covid vaccine in my last entry, and I’m here today, and I have the absolute pleasure of saying this is the day after I received my first dose. It happened in a whirlwind. I always knew it would. Tuesday night we got the news that we might have the opportunity to get appointments for the next day. I was in my class, and I immediately stopped paying attention to that, and started doing everything in my (admittedly limited) power to get my family those appointments. And we did it. We got them. It was so sudden that it was hard to believe, after 11 months of waiting and carefulness and never leaving the house. “I’ll believe it when I feel the needle go into my arm.” I told the family group chat. But I believed it when my brother went, the first of us, early in the afternoon. He gave us the play-by-play of his experience from getting in line to getting the shot, so we knew what to expect. (“you should double mask, there are a lot of people”). I believed it when my mom went next, her appointed time just a half hour before mine, and I could see her at the very front of the line when it was time for me to join at the back. We could see each other in the slanted-security mirrors hung on the ceiling over the pharmacy. She waved and our eyes crinkled in twin smiles that bridged the four masks and dozen-or-so people between us. I believed in when the harried pharmacy worker who was sprinting around and doing enough jobs for several people confirmed that my name was on the list, crossing it out with pink highlighter. I believed it when I felt the needle go into my arm. My partner went last, a half hour after me, and we watched each other in the mirror as well. I was, of course, a professional slanted-mirror-people-watcher by then. “Anyone having any side effects?” My dad asked in the group chat later in the evening. “I have a slightly sore arm, but it’s like … My favorite sore arm of all time lol” I replied. And they all agreed, with varying degrees of soreness and unanimous amounts of relief. Later later, long after the group chat had gone to sleep, my partner and I were sitting in bed together. The light was gentle-soft, the TV was quiet in the background, my partner was carefully rubbing some aspercreme onto my favorite sore arm of all time. As it was happening I could feel my brain moving that moment into my long term memory. My permanent storage. “Good.” I thought. “yes, remember this.”
I like to experiment and try new things that will effect my brain, to see how they will effect my brain. I’m braver than my brother in this regard, but I guess probably more foolish as well. Most of the ways I’m brave are also sort of foolish, really, when I think about it. But I’m not afraid of anything but humans anymore. If ghosts were real they’d have accepted one of my invitations by now. If demons are real I’ve been seeing them since I was a child, and they never hurt me. Not really. If aliens are real there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it, so what’s the use in wondering. Oh, and I’m not afraid of public speaking either. I’m speaking at a conference in just over two weeks now, actually. I think I have to get my slideshow sent in earlier than that even. Haha yeah I really fucking need to actually start working on it. It’s fine, it’s fine. I already have all of the information I need (compiled in a 35 page paper), and I already have a slideshow that I can take at least some things from. But still, I do need to start working on it. I will. I will. It’s important to me. Unfortunately, I also have a lot of stuff to do that isn’t important to me at all, but that I’m still obligated to do. God, can you imagine how good of a writer I would be if I had spent all the time I spent writing shit I didn’t care about actually writing things I cared about?! Probably pretty damn great, honestly. But that’s the problem, you know? yeah. Also I should probably do the dishes, they’re starting to smell. There is an optional zoom poetry reading going on tomorrow night as well, for the whole DA program. I’m not scheduled to read anything this time, but I basically have the material ready to go whenever, so that’s cool. I’m definitely going to attend, because my friend from my class (who is like 50, and hella gay, and has like 6 published novels, and is basically the coolest person ever and I really want to be real life friends with her and not just class friends) is reading, and she asked me specifically if I was going to go and when I answered “I think so” she said “I’m reading, so you better be there” So yeah okay I’m definitely going to be there. I just have to remember, and make time for it, and all of that stuff and yeah. Since I’m clearly not getting any more work done tonight, I should go to bed now. It’s getting late and it would be a good call to just get some sleep and do more work tomorrow. Yes. Smart. Good. I can do it, it’s okay. I can do it. It’s okay. Stay safe. peace.
valerianblue 