Playlist # ??: the night is mine

  1. Shayfer James: Tiny gods

*chef’s kiss* It’s cool that I exist in a universe where this song also exists. Titular song for this playlist. Summer classes are weird. Decisions are weird. Money is weird. Humanity is fucking weird. And it’s also scary, and unpredictable. And so much of it is just so goddamn stupid. big yikes. But also we make art?? And we love each other?? It’s a lot, honestly.

2. Mother mother – Bottom is a rock

I want to hurry up and finish my stupid typing business so I can go outside and maybe clean our tiny pool, and fill it up and make it all nice again. We’ve been having probably a disproportionate amount of fun with the little $100 10 foot pool that I bought. Like … we can’t freaking go anywhere, and it’s a pretty fun activity, especially at night, in the dark, after a couple glasses of wine. We actually ventured out of the house to the dollar store yesterday and got a bunch of floating things to play with.

3. Chris Garneau – Dirty night clowns

Oh shit, speaking of people making art I totally forgot about the virtual belly dance show that I was going to try and attend as it premiered live.*thumbs up* I can still watch it, it’ll just have to be a little later. But that’s okay. It’s a “summerween” theme, which is cute and on brand for me tbh. (completely forgetting about it is also pretty on brand for me tbh).

4. The brobecks – Le velo pour deux

Well, with that and several other things in mind, I’m going to go ahead and drop this, the fourth and final song of this tiny playlist, and move along to other things. It’s a lovely cloudy evening, but rain would make it better.

Gentian violet

It’s been two months since I was here last. Apparently June 16th was the 7 year anniversary of me having this wordpress, so just for the fuck of it I went through my archive to see what I had written in June for the past 7 years. And basically it just made me feel weird and bad. I was like … lol … have I ever experienced happiness? Like… have I ever? experienced? happiness? Listen okay, I know the deal is that I only really feel compelled to write here as a sort of therapy, a self-soothing coping mechanism. It’s comforting to me in a weird, intangible way. But that means this is basically just a record of all my worst thoughts and experiences. So it’s not that fun to look back through. And it’s not really an accurate representation of my life as a whole. At least … I don’t think it is. I don’t like to think it is. Also there are some drunk and half-drunk poems thrown in, and also wow I really used to write about kinky sex stuff a lot. Like I was real open about talking about that stuff here, in significant detail. Honestly probably at least partially to make myself seem edgy, and different, and interesting. I dunno. I know there was more to it than that, I know it felt … right to write it at the time. And I know I don’t feel compelled to share those elements of myself so publicly anymore. At least not here, not like this.  It feels strange and disembodied to read about some of those exploits. I know they happened but it’s hard for me to imagine them happening to this same body that i’m in right now. Anyway, the world is crazy. That’s for sure. That’s for sure for sure for sure for sure. I’m tired of having dreams where I yell and scream at people to put their fucking masks on, because they’re putting my loved ones in danger by not wearing them. Dreams where we’re in public and I’m desperately trying to herd my loved ones through a crowded area without getting too close to anyone, and people purposely get in our space, and spit at us, and I scream at them but I can’t stop to fucking fight them because I just have to get us out. away. fast. I’m tired. But right now we’re here. And right now I’m out. Peace. Love. Power.

Quarantine

What up? Still here. Hope you guys are too. It’s fucking bitter Stone hard to deal with this right now. That’s true. And how the fuck am I supposed to care about writing a paper about fucking Shakespeare? *some snotty academic person’s voice* “Well, when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the black plague he wrote King Lear, so you should stop complaining and get stuff done.” Okay bitch, first of all? King Lear fucking sucks. Have you read that shit? It’s about a stupid old dude who doesn’t understand the subtleties of language, so he disowns his daughter and fucks up his whole kingdom. It’s boring. It feels like something someone who was really fucking bored wrote, because they wanted to spread their boredom around like rats spread the black plague. Second of all, who the fuck are you to presume to tell anyone else how to deal with a traumatic and unprecedented situation? No one. That’s who.

And at the same time I feel sort of weirdly connected to all of humanity in a way I never have before. The closest thing I can compare it to is how I feel about the Olympics. The whole world is looking toward this one thing, at the same time, together. We are all seeing ourselves and each other and we’re all just bopping around trying our fucking best, even though most people’s best is an idiot. It’s like that except not at all like that. It’s scary. It opens a pit in my stomach. It opens up pits in our stomachs. We’re all alone in our little houses, but we’re all here together. I watch my family’s little faces on my little screen. I force myself to feel grounded. I weave and try to do everything I can. I make a scarf, I work on my stupid paint with diamonds. I try to make an old story actually good. I record myself telling stories. I build forts and pet my dog and pet my significant other. I stress the fuck out over grocery lists, and trying and trying and trying to make sure everything gets on there. To make sure everyone gets what they need and they don’t need to go out. Don’t go out. Please don’t go out.

Hypervigilance

Everything falls away. ” You’ve been so smart lately’ my mom tells me. It’s because in a crisis (and this is … A crisis) my brain fires a million miles an hour, a million thoughts per minute. Like if it computes fast enough it can come up with an answer. It can find a solution. And as much as it can it does. It comes up with lots of helpful, thoughtful things. But it makes it near impossible for me to keep focus, and it makes me exhausted. I don’t care. I don’t care. I just want to keep them safe. I want to bring sparks of joy to them. I want to cross sword and shield to protect them. I want to hug them all close to my chest. but i can’t. So instead my mind will run a million miles per hour. Stay safe.

11

Tomorrow (today) is my lil brother’s birthday. So I’m going to see him, and my family, and that’s good. That’s good. I’ll give him the cute Lil present i got him. We’ll go for a walk in the Bosque. Then we’re probably going to meet up at his house in the evening for beer and a scary movie or something. It’s good. I won’t take it for granted. I want to be there for every moment. I’m feeling heartbroken about politics right now. Like literally I’m about to start crying if i think about it too much, or try to talk about it. Feels like watching an explosion in super slow mo, and drawing faces on the smoke. Feels like the end of the era where i called myself a Democrat. If this is what they’re like, I’m not that. Sometimes when the veil lifts there’s just more fucking veils under there. Time to sleep. Time to try and think with some positivity

Playlist #1.618: rites and wrongs and tiktok songs

Back at it again with some suffering! A.K.A. trying to do some assignments now so I can have fun later. It’s kinda hilarious that I have been using the same chromebook since forever, and it’s still kickin’, and I haven’t had a windows or mac computer in like… literal years. I did my entire masters degree on this thing and now I’m working on a doctorate and it’s still working. I got this thing for like $150 or less and it has held uuuup. Alright, time to write some shit about Hamlet. Speaking of ghosts …

Teddy Hyde – sex with a ghost

Speaking of sex, I just caught a Shakespearean sex joke that I never noticed before, so that’s always good. Dude was like “yeah, I’m doing pretty good. If fortune was a woman, I wouldn’t be riding high on her hat, but I’m not under her shoes either. And then hamlet was like … cool, so you’re in the middle? Like… in her privates?

Bryce Fox – horns

My back hurts pretty bad from sitting in this uncomfortable office chair so much recently. It’s like … mad uncomfortable. Anyway, my Hamlet assignment is done and now I just have to do the Macbeth one and then I can be done for tonight. Cool. Okay. Let’s make my brain do the thing.

Phildel – the wolf

I’m going on a weird mission with my family tomorrow morning to get a bunch of firewood. (like… a truckload of firewood.) I’m pretty stoked about having the wood, slightly less stoked about the whole prospect of … waking up early and doing all of it. But it’s worth it, and I’m doing it, and it might be kinda fun, so that’s that.

Mother mother – the stand

Bam. Done. Peace.

Heyoooooo

my left ear is congested and has been for a few days and it’s driving me insane. Like earlier I almost had a panic attack about it. Like… that feeling of (relatively slight) pressure just started freaking me the fuck out and my brain was like “you can’t breathe! you’re drowning or something! You’re gunna die!” And I was like … what?? I’m definitely not?? And my brain was like YES. YOU. ARE. So that’s cool. *thumbs up emoji* Seems like my kindle is basically dead forever. That’s honestly fine, because I haven’t used it in like a year, at least, but I’m currently reading a library e-book, and my loan is about to expire, and I was hoping to trap it on the kindle and shut the wifi off so they couldn’t suck it back until I was done with it. Buuuut that’s okay. Somehow I’m on episode 18 of the magnus archives podcast, I haven’t really been listening to it tho. It’s just on in the background of my headphones when I’m alone here at night, in the office. Well, I’m not really alone. There’s a dog laying on a dog bed about four feet away from me. I like that, a lot. She’s snoring. I’m glad she’s here. I have another quiz tomorrow and I’m trying to actually study for it, because the last one didn’t go that well. But it’s hard and I’m annoyed. I think ima take a melatonin and try to actually fucking sleep a reasonable style amount. It’s gunna be okay. I’m gonna finish all of my work, no worries, and I’ll figure everything else out, I promise. I’ll make sure everything gets taken care of in a timely and easy as possible manner (i promise). It’s gunna be okay. It’s a leap year, which I think is good luck. An extra day in the shortest month. More bang for my buck on my February mortgage. Time for me to sleep. peace.

Evolution

Just took a linguistics quiz, and that shit was haaarrrrrrd lol. I thought I would be able to just breeze through it but I, in fact, could not. Maybe I *can’t* just breeze the fuck through my doctoral program like I’ve breezed through basically all the classes I’ve ever taken in my life* (*except for math). Maybe I’ll actually have to *gasps* study.  Still, it’s honestly really nice to be taking a class that has quizzes and exams and that don’t require me to write thousand-page papers. (oh wait, I just remembered that I actually had to write a 6 page paper for this class like a week ago lollll) Anyway, I’m going to see The Used on Friday night. One of my all time emo faves, and I’ve never gotten to see them live before* (*I’m pretty sure. Like … 96% sure) And I’m actually pretty stoked about it, now that I’m in a space where I can let myself feel emotions about myself as an individual. Right now I’m going through and listening to some of their newer stuff, that I’m not as familiar with, so I can be ready. Anyway, it’s making me feel a little like my teenage self, except in a sort of pleasantly nostalgic way, and not a scary / depressing way. So yeah, hopefully it’ll be fun. I haven’t been to this type of a show in a long time, and it’s good for me, catharsis styles. *morphs into that one 60 year old dude in the mosh pit with a backbrace* I have a bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow, and instead of trying to stay up and do it all right now, and then ending up getting another Terrible, Broken Night’s Sleep(tm), I’m going to try and actually let myself sleep. Peace.

v-day

My heart hurts. A really sad thing happened today(yesterday) and my heart hurts. I spent three hours with my parents, trying to make them feel better, trying to be good and strong. But it’s fucking sad. They’re sad and I’m sad for them, and for myself.

We have a dog now. it’s good. She just came to see me, maybe because I was crying, maybe because she has to pee. I should check. But we’re keeping her, everyone knows now, I think my parents were at least a little bit happy to hear me talking about it, and I feel like it’s the right decision. But right now my heart hurts so it’s hard for me to feel any of the right things. And tomorrow is valentine’s day, a 3 day weekend even. I just want to have fun, and be a good partner, but my heart hurts.

What’s up doc

I started my doctoral program. I feel like I should be more excited but i can’t feel it. Some of it is going to be pretty hard, but i should be able to handle it, and then like… I’ll have a doctorate. Maybe I’ll feel better about the whole thing when my financial aid disburses and i can afford to be a person and pay my several late credit card bills. Right now i just feel stressed, and pretty sad, and I’m just trying to be a strong pillar of support. A rock and a walking stick and a soft lap to lay in. A good partner, a good daughter, a good caretaker for a street dog whose future i have to decide. And i guess a good student as well. I’m an adult with a mortgage and when i break an egg yolk i don’t cRy about it.