Salem light

It’s easy to make your mouth taste like fire
and ice
But they tell me cigarettes aren’t poetic
not really
So instead i run outside into the
late September rain
And i let the plunging shock of cold
steal my breath
As each drop hits like fire
and ice
Against too much skin for the weather
Too much and too little in late September

The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to

I seem to have lost the knack of being able to sleep. For the past month or so I’ve been experiencing the most intense and distressing bout of insomnia that I have ever experienced. Which is saying something… because I have never been known as a great sleeper. But this is something I’ve never experienced before. I fall asleep for just a few seconds and then I’m shocked awake by a massive surge of anxiety and adrenaline. So much that I *have* to get up and walk around for a few minutes before I can even try to lay back down again. And it happens over and over again for several hours before I can eventually actually sleep. There’s no jolt or anything… no haptic jerk like from a nightmare, it’s just… my brain chemically screaming “You Are Awake Now!” at itself over and over again. It’s quite terrible, if I do say so myself. So if you know how to sleep feel free to tell me. But hey, maybe I’ve got it figured out tonight. Maybe taking benadryl and unisom and melatonin will work. Maybe sleepytime EXTRA with valerian root will do it. Maybe watching farrier videos and crunching water softened ice and endlessly bouncing my left leg while I wait for it all to kick in will do the trick. Maybe the level of exhaustion I’ve accumulated will finally be enough. Maybe my sore muscles will be enough. We’ll see.

Besides that mess I don’t know what to talk about. Things are busy and chaotic and I’m tired. I’m trying my best and it’s weird but I’m trying. I have things to do and things to write, and time is a slippery thing. I don’t think I really enjoy drinking tea, or hot beverages in general in the summer I guess. It’s been terribly hot, which isn’t helping me sleep. But it feels cool right now. And I feel tired right now. Peace.

ABD

It’s been almost a year since I’ve actually posted an entry on here. Some day I’ll just … never type in this white box again. I’ve made a few drafts but abandoned them all. Maybe this one will end up actually happening. We’ll see. I don’t really know what to say. A lot of things have happened since last year, and a lot of things haven’t happened, and the world is small and cold and warm and alive. I finished all of my coursework for my doctoral program, and now I just have to do my capstone (it’s like a dissertation basically but slightly different in ways I don’t feel like explaining, but if you wanna get technical I’m ABC not ABD). It’s weird to think that I never have to take another course, and that (assuming everything works out *knock on wood*) this time next year I’ll have a doctorate. We have a puppy now. She’s almost 8 months old. It’s been challenging at times but overall it’s going really well, and I’m proud of her progress and of the work I’ve done with her. It’s summer again. The pool is set up. I’m teaching two classes over the summer. (The pay is bad but at least the work is hard) and hopefully eventually I’ll be able to move on to something better. I should probably start applying for stuff this summer actually. Over the next couple months. I need to decide if I want to submit a proposal for an essay for a book, the proposal is due tomorrow. I probably should just do it. Worst case, I get rejected (lol oh well) best case, I have to write a long, complicated essay, and it gets published in a book. Could be good for me -career-wise-. I need to submit some of my other papers for publication too. Like… right now. Like… seriously as soon as possible. yeah. I could spend some time at this point talking about the difficult feelings i’v been having in relation to myself, and to events of the world, but my laptop is at 15% battery, and instead of doing that I’m going to just fucking not. Instead I’m going to publish this, whatever it is, and go do something else. If there’s anyone still here to read this after my 1 year absence, stay safe. Peace.

New computer, who this?

Hey there strangers and non strangers. I finally caved and got a new chromebook. My last one could no longer open .docx files … which was extremely inconvenient, and I could no longer update my browser, and it was just overall unfortunate. Also, it got me through my entire masters’ degree, several novels worth of freelance writing, and the first year of my doctoral program. Yeah. it was well past time, and also I got a really good deal on this one and it wasn’t even refurbished or anything. wow. brand new. My fingers are the first to ever type on these keys. That’s cool. That’s nice. That’s special. Like it barely even feels new, because I’m just using it to do the same stuff I was doing before, but it’s all nice and clean and all nice and fresh and twice the RAM of my last one so that’s cool. I can definitely tell, everything is loading a lot faster and that is nice. I should try to go to sleep so I can get up earlier and do more stuff tomorrow, but I’m feeling restless as fuck. I miss walmart being open 24 hours. That was a fun span of time, when I could just go there at any point in the day or night and buy stuff. Now I have to make decisions and do it during the day and things of that nature. I need a couple more things for my wedding outfit and I just fucking hate every tiny aspect of putting clothes on my body for other people to look at. I really just can’t emotionally or mentally or socially deal with it at all. And yet, I have to. I have to do a lot of things. I should run through the ghost stories again. I already started having dreams about that again, which I definitely did not miss, and I didn’t even really realize that they had stopped. But it’s okay. It’s a side effect of another thing that I agreed to do. Both of my arms are really sore and I don’t really know why. I need to do more with them. I need to feed the snakes. I guess I could do that now, with some of my restless energy, but I don’t really want to. I should work on my paper or my other projects. I need to get that shit done, and soon. Real soon. I don’t need to be feeling this stress and pressure about getting it in, if I could actually just get it in. Yeah. This turned a corer, I guess it pretty much always does, which is why I go months without actually publishing an entry here. Whatever. It’s okay. My brain is roiling and writhing, but it’s okay. Or at least hopefully it will be. For now I’m out. This is no longer serving a purpose. I got a new chromebook and it is nice, the end. peace.

Heat from above

Hey, long time no write. I’ve started and abandoned a bunch of entries in the past couple months, but just never saw them through to the end. That’s fine. Sometimes you’re sitting at your desk, looking at someone else’s resignation forms, and you just decide now is the time you’re actually going to publish an entry. Summer is over. My classes started again. I’m still working on getting a teaching gig, but I have at least one month of side-hustle arranged for myself. My classes starting again made me feel a sense of urgency to work on submitting my paper(s) for publication in academic journals. If I wait too long, and someone else writes about this and publishes instead of me, I will be literally so devastated. Soooo yeah. I definitely big time need to get on that. You know, like I said I was going to do over the summer, but then I didn’t do it at all, and instead I straight up chilled for two months. That was definitely a good call that I don’t regret …. definitely. We did have a nice summer though. We had a lot of fun, most of which I’m not going to talk about here. It looks like the conference I’m speaking at is going to be going virtual. This is kinda a bummer because I wanted to actually go somewhere and do something, but at the same time it’s fine, and it’s a lot cheaper, and it feels like less pressure I guess. So it’s okay. Also, for like, safety reasons it’s probably a good call for them to make it virtual. I’m still excited to present though. This is like … a major conference. And my Cool Professor(tm) specifically picked me to be in his panel. Like… why did he pick me? He could have picked anyone. Maybe it’s because he saw me present at that other virtual conference and he thought I did a good job. He told me I did a good job, but like… I already did the thing, what was he gonna say? “Lol that sucked bro.” Naw. I dunno, just seeing the actual conference schedule, and seeing my name printed next to his made it seem Very Real, and it made me think about these things. My presentation better be real fucking good, I totally picked my topic in a hurry when he offered me the spot (I didn’t even have a topic and he offered it to me! Like that’s some faith right there, that I could pull it off) and I haven’t done any further work on it yet, but I will. I still have almost two months. It would be cool if I could get my paper prepped for submitting first, or during I guess. Plus yeah I have classes now and I have to do all that. Plus hopefully I’ll get a tiny teaching gig too. The point is, it suddenly feels like a lot. But that’s okay. I’ll take it one thing at a time and do my best. I honestly love this doctoral program that I’m in. It’s everything I wanted it to be and more than I ever expected. I feel inspired and motivated and challenged and capable and smart. Oh, and also I’m meeting some really amazing also very smart people. In other news a super tiny micro-fiction 100 word horror story I wrote is getting published in an anthology at the end of this month. I’m really excited about that. It’s going to be in a Real Physical Book that I can hold in my hands. (Also in e-book format, but that’s less exciting to me). I want to do more creative writing too. I want to try more shorts like this and just submit stuff all the time. Like why shouldn’t I? What’s the harm? Some disappointment with every rejection, but … like… whatever. You gotta try. I want to work on some new music stuff too. New songs, new sounds, new ideas. I’m overwhelming myself thinking about all of it, honestly. For now, at this almost 2am moment, I’m going to take one more (obsessive) look at a discussion board to make sure no one is trying to take my topic, and then I’m going to try and sleep. Tomorrow is friday. Peace.

Playlist #53 : Benji’s Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix edition

Hey there lil internet babies. Long time no entry. I’ve actually started sevvvveral entries here and abandoned them all. But yeah, that’s how it goes sometimes. I keep trying to re-cap the end of my semester and my current events but I just keep getting stuck and not wanting to finish talking about it, so maybe we just won’t, okay? Cool. It’s about to be summer vacation, which is a cool good thing. And so I’m gonna stick to songs that have a sort of summer-ish-vibe to me for this playlist. In my own purely subjective opinion, they have a summer-ish-vibe. Ready?

The Neighborhood – Devil’s Advocate

Like that one. See? maybe? yeah. Anyway, I’m trying to write a 100 word scary story. *exactly* 100 words, for a call for submissions. I’ve never done that before. I did a 300 word one a couple weeks ago, and I really wanna do this one too, but so far it’s hard. The 300 word one was pretty hard too, but this is just hard in a different way. It’s real hard to fit beginning middle and end in 100 words in some sort of way that’s compelling and spooky. My goal is to get it done and submitted by Friday tho. I like the challenge even though it’s annoying. It’s like exercising a muscle in a way you’re not used to, and I like that. It’s fun to do some creative writing and just projects for myself because I want to instead of because I have to.

August – Ingellegency

I bought us a new -somewhat bigger and nicer- above ground pool for this summer, speaking of summer. I’m pretty excited about that. It arrives on Monday, but I dunno if I’ll be ready to set it up on Monday, it might take a few more days to get everything in order to set it up. I need to get a cover and all of the chemicals (I probably still have some from last season but I’ll have to check) I feel a little guilty for doing it, honestly, because it wasn’t exactly THE MOST financially sound decision, plus the big ass water bill that’s gonna happen, and just using that much water in general, buuuut … we deserve nice things sometimes. I deserve to spend MY money on nice things that I will enjoy sometimes. And based on how much fun we had in our smaller pool last year, I would make a very educated guess that it will be worth the money. For sure need a cover this time tho.

Goth Babe – End summer

This song has a lyric that I mis-heard, and I really really prefer my mis-heard version to the real version, but that’s okay. It still has The Vibe(tm) I’m looking for for this playlist, despite the title. I’m hoping to get a weed burn done sometime in the next few days, before I try to set up the pool. I would love to get some landscaping going here soon. It’s on my list, okay? It’s definitely on my list. I want rock in some places, natural / native grasses in some places, low water xeroscaping plants, etc. I fucking love the bushes and tree we have in the front yard. There’s a secluded shaded area that’s just beautiful and I know I know I know how much a childhood version of myself would have adored it, and wanted to make a little fort in there.

Half-alive – What’s Wrong

I have a grocery delivery coming tomorrow. We are fully vaccinated and we can go to the store normal styles now, but I’ve still been getting deliveries sometimes. It’s a lot more convenient really, and shopping like this is literally the first time in my life that I have gotten groceries like a real adult, instead of just going to the store basically every day to get whatever stuff we wanted for that meal and that meal alone. It became a necessity to shop like that during Covid and I guess that’s just … something I can do now. It’s weird. I said from the beginning that this shit was changing me forever an I was never going to be the same, and I’m not. I honestly even haven’t begun to unpack how much I’m not. But hey! That’s a topic for another entry where I talk about serious stuff, or maybe it’s a topic for never if I don’t feel like writing about it! The point is, I have a grocery delivery coming and that’s cool and having groceries is nice. Let’s let the Cool Times Summer Jamz continue.

KennyHoopla – How will I rest in peace if I’m buried by a highway?

I do have some serious stuff I have to take care of this summer, but currently at this moment I’m feeling mostly okay about it. I think it could be fun to go camping, and to go to Taos, and those are both reasonable, obtainable things if we decided to do it. Camping is a lot scarier when you’re the adult tho, and if something scary happens you are the one who has to deal with it. I hardly slept at all last time. But, it’s been a long time, and now we have a cool dog who we would bring with us andalsoihaveagunnowthatiwouldalsobringwithus. so I would prrrobably be willing to give it a go. Camping is one of few occasions when I’m not in the mood to watch or read or listen to anything in the horror genre. haha. Wow, time is going really fast. I need to go to bed now. I’ll probably just leave this draft style and pick back up in the morning.

Hayley Williams – Color me in

Heyooo! It’s the next day, not morning at all, but we’re here again. Trying to work through this 100 word story still. Have I mentioned how hard it is to fit an actual story into 100 words? Because it’s hella hard. I just really have to pare it down to essentials, I can’t keep any of the details I want to keep. What are the bare bones necessary to get this story across? Anything not fully necessary gets cut. I think I’m getting pretty close, I’m circling in on it. For now I’m gonna go to bed, because it’s already later than I wanted it to be. Time, she does move. To be continued again.

Twin XL – Lemonade

It’s Sunday night now. Aboutta be Monday morning. I’m feeling hella stressed but I can’t fully pinpoint exactly why. I guess just … everything, I dunno. It’s okay. I finished my 100 word story and submitted it. I’m kinda proud of myself for that. It’s been nice to work on some creative writing projects, and these short form ones are perfect for my current state of mind, where I don’t feel super capable of working on long projects. (I still might try tho.) I haven’t submitted creative writing anywhere in a long time actually, and I think it’s good for me, even if nothing comes of it. But yeah, we’ll see.

Saint Motel – It’s All Happening

Maybe I’m just feeling kinda bad because I haven’t been taking good care of my body all weekend, and I really need to take better care of my body and it’s really important to me. Yeah. I did get my backyard weed burning taken care of, which is nice. That means we can probably get the pool set up sometime next week, which is fun. Oh shit, I do need to buy a cover for it tho. I should maybe do that like right now. Okay, I bought it. Cool. Hopefully it actually works. I need to do a bunch of raking and some weeding in front and also I should water everything. Also I just took melatonin and brushed by teeth because I’m gonna try to go to bed soon. I guess I’m probably gonna continue this tomorrow. This is such a long playlist compared to the 4-song-playlist-entries I usually make. What a weird and chaotic form of blogging, honestly, but I like it. Anyway, this next one is a big time current radio hit so you can just skip it if you listen to the radio and have already heard it to death. But I don’t and I haven’t yet so I still like it.

AJR – Way Less Sad

Last night (actually at like 5am lmao) I saw what I’m pretty sure was the starlink satellites passing overhead. Either that or it was straight up alien shit. Basically it was a loonnnng line of lights passing overhead one after another in a perfect line. Like at least 50 lights maybe more. And I didn’t know what it was at the time, until I came inside and looked it up, so I was like… slightly trippin’ out like what the actual fuck am I seeing right now?! But it was pretty interesting, and just random and lucky that I happened to go outside just in time to see it. Speaking of which, it’s time for me to go outside right now to take the dog out for her night time business. Then I’m gonna try to sleep. I guess see y’all later, in the way that it won’t be later for you at all, but it will be for me. Yeah. that’s time baby.

Bbno$ & Diamond Pistols – Help Herself

Hey there, it’s Monday night now. I’m going to finish this hella long playlist / entry tonight. Partially because I’m running out of things to say and partially because I’m running out of songs. Both good reasons. It’s aboutta be summer after tomorrow, I killed some weeds and trimmed up some bushes in my front yard so the city doesn’t get up in my business about it. I didn’t do the dishes tho, because unloading and reloading again sounded like … the worst worst thing today. So I guess maybe tomorrow for that. We’ll see. I’m feeling hella burnt out on doing care tasks in general to be honest, and it’s been hard to force myself to do them. It is what it is tho. It’s gonna be super hard for me to stop myself from drinking all the time since it’s aboutta be summer, but it’s like … really important to me that I don’t fucking do that. But I know I know I know I’m going to want to and it’s gonna be hard. So yeah I’m feeling trepidation about that whole situation. It is what it is tho. I have to be in control of myself. I can be in control of myself.

The Neighborhood – Stargazing

We have to take care of some important serious life things over the summer, some of which we should start working on soon, but we will also have time for life, and at this current moment I’m not feeling tooooo stressed about it. Maybe I’ll grill sometime later this week. We still have a decent amount of food money and that would be fun. I want to organize a little date night as well, since I haven’t gotten the chance to do that for a while, and now we can actually at least kinda sorta go places. Also for sure pool setup is happening soon, and we are going to hang out with my brother and his fiancee, and maybe we should invite the whole family over here for a movie night or a grill night or just general chillin’. Also we should hang out with some of our friends that we haven’t seen in a million years like literally since before Covid, and yeah. Those things and more hopefully coming soon. I’m going to end this rambling playlist entry here. Peace.

Playlist #52: Dias days

This really is my 52nd playlist on here, or at least the 52nd entry I’ve made with the world “playlist” in the title, because I just did a search and counted them, and didn’t actually go in and check or look for any other extra ones or whatever. But yeah, that’s a lot, and 52 is close enough. I have way too many projects pressing on my mind at once, so I opened this window to waste some time in and also distract myself a little bit and ease some of the pressure maybe sort of maybe I dunno. It might work and it might not. Is Caffeine the only thing that can make me feel motivated to actually do stuff? Probably not but I always get a surge of motivation after I take it, and then it is finite. Pretty annoying honestly. Whatever. It’s okay. In a few minutes here I’m going to go water the front yard, and then once it gets a little darker I’m going to take the dog for a walk. That will help me feel less weird and restless probably.

Barns Courtney – Dopamine

It’s time for me to start applying for jobs again. I gave myself some time because of fucking covid but it’s time again. No guarantee I’ll even be able to get anything good but yeah. whatever. Absolute best case scenario, I could get a fully online adjunct gig and teach just a couple classes.(any more than that and I would be too overwhelmed I think, but I could make it work if I had to). That would legit be the ideal scenario. If I’m going to score the type of job I want to be able to get when I finish my doctorate I need the experience. So yeah, we’ll see. But I already started looking for stuff and found a couple potentially promising looking things. Thing is I don’t exactly have time to apply for shit right now. I probably won’t until I finish out this semester. So that’s just gonna have to be how it is. Who knows, maybe there will be more cool stuff available by then. Or also maybe not but whatever we will see.

Meg Myers – The Underground

I think i might have to replace my chromebook soon, unfortunately. This thing has lasted me forever but it’s just starting to go sooo slow and take sooo long to load stuff and straight up not be able to load some documents if they are too big… which is … bad. Maybe I can overhaul it or something. Also the fucking “T” key is pretty broken and I’ve just been trying to ignore it or whatever. I’ve had this thing for so long, it’s literally insane to think how much stuff I’ve written on this thing. Like an insane amount of stuff. So much freelance writing and so much academic writing and a fair amount of personal writing as well. Tomes of words this thing has produced. Yeah, I dunno. Just another thing I’ll have to deal with I guess. I have really been enjoying my bluetooth headphones. They play very well into my desire to wander around while I’m doing things. I don’t think I can go back to That Wire Life now.

Alice Merton – Vertigo

Just finished my last assignment that is fully technically actually due tomorrow, but I have another big fucking thing that is sort of due tomorrow. Or… I’m supposed to share it to a shared doc for some bullshit peer review fucking absolutely unnecessary bullshit. So yeah, there’s that. I don’t even have the subject for that shit picked out yet. I’ve been looking into it a lot but then I keep going down rabbit holes about shit. Oh wait, I think I just found it. That’s cool. My stupid group members for this stupid fucking thing I don’t wanna do might have to wait ’till like Monday to read my stupid pointless garbage, because I really don’t see myself having that ready to go by tomorrow night. But I did at least just find the thing I needed as -a thing to analyze- so that’s definitely some sort of progress. I can get something done in the semi-near future probably.

Royal and the Serpent – I can’t get high

I’m going to apply to work at the same school one of my cohort friends works at, remote style. How funny and cool would that be if I got in there? Very cool, very good. I need it. yeah. I need to fully re-do my resume again for like the thousandth time in my lifetime. I sure do hate doing that, by the way, lemme tell you. If anything makes my soul shrivel up like a raisin, it’s updating my resume. (I can write resumes for other people no problem tho, no raisining at all). I think I’m going to be done trying to work on this stupid shit I don’t care about now, and maybe go to the store or something. I have some stuff that I actually really do care about that I need to work on too, but I think I have to get this stuff out of the way first, at least in part. Anyway, yeah. whatever. Whatever is definitely one of my most used words on here, along with all incarnations of “fuck”. For sure that is a true fact. yeah, I’m gonna go to the store. Probably gonna just leave this open and add to it as I feel like it later. Also I need caffeine.

Weathers – C’est la vie

*several days later* what’s up? I’m back and I’m still working on this playlist in the background of my life. I need to be transcribing some really old -Victorian era- documents right now, and seeing if I can find any genealogical information about the authors, but I got onto ancestry and immediately started hyperfixating on doing research about a different Victorian era person for a different project. For a second there I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to find her, because I just had her last name and first initials and no birth or death dates. But then I found her brother (pro tip it’s a lot easier to find info about victorian era dudes than it is ladies) and from there I found her father, and from there I found her. Now I know her full name and her date of birth and I can find so much more. Oh shit, there’s her baptism record, and it looks like she was married twice?! once when she was really young and once when she was really old. That’s super interesting I’ll have to look into that later. Oh and there’s her date of death and her will probate date. Haha holy shit I really need to switch gears here, but ima add this stuff to her tree first and go back to look at it more in depth later. There was another person researching her (in 2014, in passing, as part of something else they were working on) and they couldn’t verify if certain things were written by her, and that’s because they had the completely wrong first name for her. There’s your problem yo. I’ve got first and middle and hella historical documents to back it up and it took me like 30 minutes. I am good at research and I like doing it, is the point. Okay, moving on.

Oliver Tree – Let me down (feat. blink 182)

Alright, here we go. 3 victorian children. Let’s see if we can find them. Child #1: full name and date of birth acquired. Child #2: full name and date of birth acquired. Child #3: full name and date of birth acquired. Yes. Sweet. So far so good. Currently hearing some noises in the front yard that are probably just the wind, but are sorta creeping me out. Maybe it’s one of the victorian children haunting me because I’m writing about them. Also I just remembered that I left the recycling bin out by the curb, so I’m going to go deal with both of those things. If I return to type another sentence after this one, you will know that I didn’t get killed by whatever is making that noise. Good news! I didn’t get murdered by the ghost of a victorian child! Gotta just be the wind, it’s hella windy out. Also, if you ever wanna feel like you’re making the loudest sound in the known universe that must surely be waking up all of your neighbors, I recommend rolling your recycling bin back up your driveway at midnight on a weekday. But I digress… Maybe I should make some sleepy time tea for myself too, and drink it while I work on this research a little more, and then go to bed. that sounds nice. I’m going to do it.

Mother Mother – I’ve got love

I did it. It’s not actually THE “sleepytime tea”, because apparently celestial seasonings is like … a cult or something? Also their sleepytime tea doesn’t even have lavender or passionflower. This is Numi “sweet slumber” and I’m having it with cashew milk and a tiny bit of honey and it’s delicious. I really like tea, why don’t I have more teas and drink tea more often? Good question. Victorian child #1: found her baptism record. Found a census from when she was 45. She became a schoolmistress and was unmarried. Good for her! Way to go! Victorian child #2: found her baptism record. Looks like she also became a schoolmistress, and then … emigrated to Canda? Good for her! Way to go! Victorian child #3: can’t find a birth or baptism record so far but I did find her marriage record. Married some dude when she was 38. that’s pretty dang late to get married in those days. Good for her! Way to go! I’m going to do more research on all of this tomorrow. For now I’m going to be done and put myself to bed.

Gus Dapperton – Bluebird

I’m definitely tired. The combination of tea and general sleepyness is for sure working on me. I’m going to go to bed now. It’s already later than I wanted it to be when I went to bed, but I’m trying my best and I have a lot of stuff I need to get done, so it is what it is, you know? yeah. At least I’ll have something to show in class tomorrow evening. That’s cool and good. I’m gonna go ahead and publish this post, it’s already helllla long and rambling and it’s been sitting here taking up space on my already crowded row of tabs for several days now. Have a good night. Peace.

Melatonin moments

Will i have time to finish writing this post before the melatonin i took takes me out? Maybe. Maybe if i stop correcting any of the swipe mistakes my phone makes and just leave it and if you can understand what I’m saying, cool, and if it gets distorted beyond recognition, also cool. Let’s do it okay? Starting now. Hi. I really need to sleep i have a bunch of stuff i need to do tomorrow so he I’m already stressed out and worried about my partner and yeah i dunno it feels all heavy. I’m just trying to be there best supportive parson i can be, but also get my own things done and yeah. I dunno I’m just tired but it’s ok I’ll deal. My parents might get a dog soon. I got they can, my mom really wants one and i think my dad secretly really does too. I also want a puppy to round out our little family but I’m trying to be patient and just keep it happen. I student had a lot of painful to do. (Lmao that was indecipherable but I’m just gonna move on. Cool my phone got indecipherable but like not over sucks) i have a lot of projects due suddenly. Bullshit that over class wants to make me do a bunch of drafts and per review for my final paper. Literally i don’t need any of that at all you’re just eating my time and stressing me out. Let me weird the thing I’m trying to be a doctor not a high school senior who needs to learn about the writing process. Make new do group work and shit. No thanks though Hanks. This is definitely going well and not a mistake to post. Quality content only on this blog. The melatonin is kicking. I should let it kick. Guess it’s easy to make it to the end of your post if there end is just whenever the fuck you feel like not writing anymore. Our faces. Quality content. Peace.

efficacy day

I can’t believe over 400 people follow me on here. Lmao. I literally just whine and complain and use this as my -public-but-private-anonymous-diary. Like I don’t even have a proper profile picture, and I never insert featured images, I barely use punctuation, and my entries are all one long paragraph. No themes, no point, just stream of consciousness bullshit. So … I guess… Thanks. I hope you’re having a good time. I’m feeling insanely restless right now. Skipping through a million songs because none of them are the right one but also I don’t know what the right one is. My brain won’t stop producing terribly terrible thoughts and I would love it if it could just chill. Today is vaccine efficacy day. That’s exciting. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still going to be careful, obviously, but we can start doing some things again, and we can feel safer than we have in like a literal full year. There’s a lot of stuff I really should do, like make doctor and dentist appointments that I’ve been putting off. And I fully intend to do those things, soon. But honestly I’m going to give myself a little bit of time to just … acclimate, you know? Give myself a chance to take a few breaths. yeah. I think we are going to host a get together with my family on Friday evening to celebrate actually being able to hang out in a semi-normal capacity. That should be cool, but also at the same time it feels stressful to me for a little slew of reasons. The fact that my period started today is definitely one of the contributing factors of me feeling restless and weird. I dunno. Maybe I should take my dog for a midnight walk. Maybe I shouldn’t do that because it’s not really a great idea. Or maybe I *should* do that because it is a good idea. wow. very thought provoking argument there. Maybe I should get some champagne (pronounced sham-paggin) to bust open with my family. That would probably be fun. Do you think it’s possible to figure out a healthy mental and physical relationship with food and eating and nutrition? Because I don’t think I’ve ever had that ever once in my life since i’ve become a sentient being, and it seems like a really cool thing to have. It seems like something I would love to have. I want to find some sort of exercise-physical-activity-something that I absolutely fucking fall in love with. I’ve never had that either. The closest was when I played soccer as a literal child / teenager, but even that… I don’t really love it. That seems like something really cool to have as well. For now, right now, I think I’m legit going to take my dog for a midnight walk. Also I will check the mail. I ordered some slap masks, which is something I’ve thought was really cool for like … the whole pandemic, because I always take masks with me on my wrist on walks and stuff, just in case I run into people and need to wear one, but they are just made of two layer fabric and we’ve been using medical grade 4 or 5 layer shit, no fabric. But now that we’re *vaccinated* I feel comfortable using one, at least for walks and stuff, but still probably not for actually going into actual places. Still, yeah. it’s cool. Ugh. I kinda wanna take a shower too. I feel gross and weird and too much. I have an assignment I need to finish by Saturday and I was going to try and work on it more tonight but uuuuuggghhhhhh bro. I’ll try to get some of it done tomorrow. yeah. I’m done with this now. peace.

drugs hugs and lightning bugs

Sometimes the main ingredient for a good Monday night is really wanting to give someone else a good Monday night. Scenic walks and video games and spontaneous sex can also help. I need to go to bed. I’m messing up my own goals of sleeping a more normal schedule and being more productive during the daytime hours. But I do that sometimes, I guess. The day after tomorrow, actually technically tomorrow, the 31st, is the day that our covid vaccines should be at full efficacy. Tomorrow is the first day in literally over a year that I can hug my family. Fuck. Isn’t that fucking something. I’m so glad we got to get vaccinated as soon as we did. So fucking fortunate in so many ways. yeah. My mind is racing right now which is really not helping me get into the mood for sleeping. I’m starting to get really excited about the final paper I have to write for the class I like. I know that’s such a weird thing to get excited about, but it’s really cool, I promise. It’s more fully unique research. Also there is a conference call for papers that would literally be perfect for this, but I think it’s an In Real Life conference in another state, and I dunno if I wanna fuck with that really. But also, maybe I do want to fuck with that. Maybe I do. I’m also excited because I started writing little pieces of two new songs, and I want to work on that, and work on a bunch of other stuff, and not the stuff I have to do. But right now the stuff I have to do is to get my ass to bed. Yeah. for real. I think ima need to take a melatonin. okay. peace.