talk through

I dunno why it makes me feel better to write through stuff on here, but for some reason it does. My instructor got back with me with notes about the intro/conclusion and outline for my huge ass paper, and she was super encouraging and helpful, and gave me full credit on both even though they were technically like… almost 2 weeks late. So that makes me feel slightly less freaked out about that paper in general,  (but still a little bit freaked out). Also along with these two huge ass papers I have finals for 3 classes in the next few days. lmao. And like… I just feel like I’m getting pulled in a lot of different directions. I have a tour on Saturday night for sure, and prrrobably on Sunday as well. I’m worried about my S.O and want to spend a lot of time focusing on them. {{and doing a variety of things for and to them in general}} I want to get a bunch of stuff and try new stuff. ((I really liked the thing you wrote for me)) I want to get a tiny Christmas tree and decorate it. I *need* to fucking exercise. I just really haven’t been, and it’s really not cool. I need to be doing something active basically every day. I think I’m experiencing… like… a low grade depression. Like I just don’t feel motivated to move, to do stuff. I know that I really fucking need to, but I feel stuck and it fucking sucks. Once again, I’m hoping I’ll be able to shake myself out of it once I get through this patch of school. I’ve also just been letting myself eat stuff, like whatever, and drink a lot and I know that’s A. not fucking cool and B. ultimately makes me feel more depressed. I need to shake myself out of this pattern, it’s gross and I hate it, and it makes me feel gross and hate myself lmao. Anyway, yeah. cool. whatever. I also really wanna do stuff for my animals. The ferret needs more attention / exercise. I want to up-size both of my snake tanks (and I have everything I need to do one, but it’s guna take time) and I want to hook up the beta I impulse bought with a bigger setup as well, even though what he’s got now is technically fine. I have to get alll my fucking paperwork together and sign up for health insurance by the 15th or I’m going to be fucked. lmao. That’s going to be a huge pain and take forever, and I’ll have to go down to the office at least once… but I seriously can’t let that shit slip through the cracks. It’s super important. What else? I dunno. Time is passing really quickly right now, and I should maybe?? try to sleep??? at some point??? But really I should probably do some more work on this paper first, since I literally only have 3 more days to work on it and I probably have tours on 2 of those days. Soooo yeah. okay. peace.

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anx-me, anx-you, anxious

I feel gripped by a sick anxiety. About all of the work I have to do, about what I’m doing with my life in general, about my body, my family, my personal life. A twisting fear about somehow losing the things that are currently going well, and feeling right. Ugh. Maybe I would feel better if I wasn’t procrastinating at 1am. but. there you have it. I’m changed, changing, really a lot. It’s everything. It’s how I carry myself, how people speak to me. I can’t lull myself to sleep with the little submissive fantasies I’ve used for years, to feel calm and safe and drift off. It rubs me all the wrong ways, no longer soothing in the least. Interesting but I suppose not surprising. Maybe I should also have a semi-private journal for thoughts about this budding (growing, thriving) new business, instead of VagueBlogging(tm) about it here, but we’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see.  We talk late into the night, drunk and honest with it, about having a family, and what that would be like. We walk through hypotheticals and agree, again and again, that we could probably be good at it, if we worked as a team, if we really wanted to make it happen. I like thinking about it but it also scares me a bit. A sick anxiety. Maybe I’ll feel better when the next couple weeks pass. Maybe. Hanukkah is next week already, which is toooo soooooon honestly. But I’ll have a bit of time, after the next couple weeks, or at least I should. A small break, to do more freelance stuff, and hopefully have more time to devote to my pressing interests. But that’s future time, and who knows what the hell. (not me, obviously) And now is now and I’ve really gotta fucking work. bye.

Fiance

Tired and wired and overwhelmed. Trying not to let my heart guts hurt over it. Reading the terrible attempts of my peers always makes me feel a little better about my prospects, even though I’m The Procrastinatress of Last Minute Manor. It’s a lot, everything is a lot. But I’m doing it. It’s happening. Tomorrow a dude is coming to look at our fucked up fridge (and hopefully just replace it). I cleaned it all out and it was pretty disgusting. Then I got to take a 100% freezing shower because there was no hot water. Cool. This thing is due by 11pm tomorrow and I plan on having it done a while before that, but we’ll see I guess. Life is crazy and I’m having just…. so many different feelings right now it’s honestly so much to process. I sort of wish I had planned out like… an elaborate proposal, somewhere beautiful. But I suppose a cuddled conversation on the couch followed by some pretty intense sex is not the worst way to do it. (And really, there’s nothing stopping me from still doing something romantic and elaborate at another time if I am so inclined, preferably when I have more money and less on my only-est plate.)  God, there are so many things I want to do. So many things I want to try. I feel keen eyed and capable. Exercising patience and restraint, stopping my hand from cutting through the air, stopping my teeth from cutting through skin. Easy, wait. It doesn’t feel like a suit I’m donning, a persona I’m exemplifying. It feels like me, keen eyed and capable. Mind racing with devious plots and thoughts and uses for knots. I want to see you cry and crawl and beg with my foot on your chest. Your wide-eyes shy away from mine, I burn and burn and exhale a dragon’s breath. I want to mark you everywhere, claim every inch of you. Breathe. Breathe. It’s late and this isn’t what I should be doing now. It’s 2am and these are not the thoughts I should be thinking. But on the other hand, I just came up with a topic for the paper I have to write. So there’s that. Now I need to go write a thesis and maybe start to outline this bitch. Then, if I’m very lucky, I’ll be able to catch a tiny bit of sleep.

rope

I should be doing homework, but I’m not, and that’s like… whateva, ya know? I have lots of stuff and it’s all whateva. Next week is apparently fall break? I guess? and I think I’ll be able to hopefully catch up on some shit. Yeah, whateva. I’ll do some shit tomorrow. Ummmmm yeah. okay. Today was pretty productive overall, and I spent some time with my family. It was good. I’m fucking obsessed with rope stuff right now. Like there are so many fucking ties I want to try right now that I’m sort of overwhelmed with it. I don’t even know where to start or what I should try next. I did some practice last night and it was really good. I’m thinking maybe a full torso diamond tie, even though I know that could only be worn for a short amount of time, or like a full body ladder, but that could probably be worn for even less time lol. I just want to learn a bunch of shit, honestly. I’m like way too pre-occupied with it. I want to learn all the basic and intermediate knots and all the possible combos really, haha, dude. Like I don’t think I can really express how pre-occupied with it I am, but there’s just so much. It’s hard to know where to start, what to try next. yeah. okay. okay. yeah. I’m currently waiting for my nail polish to dry so I can go upstairs, go to bed or whatever. I dunno. I wonder if I’m actually going to have a tour tomorrow or not. It’s weird. If I don’t have one I should for sure for sure go to the gym. I need to be getting more exercise. Also I need to take everyone to the zoo or aquarium still lol. HaaaaaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaaa! I should for sure figure out what the fuck is going on about both of the 15 page papers that I have!!! I should!! For sure!! fucking deal with that. I have to come up with whole ass topics for both of them basically. I have ideas for one but fucking goose egg for the other one. My nail polish needs to hurry the fuck up and dry. It’s the “#christmasdomme” polish that the S.O picked out for me. Ugh. I’m feeling so hype and manic right now and thinking about too much stuff. I need to make more fucking money. I need to figure out when to sign up for more classes, grad school style. Oh shit, looks like I can do pre-enrollment basically whenever. Maybe I will do that soon style. Anyway, yeah. cool. I should go upstairs and like try to sleep now or what the fuck ever. Okay, peace.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye

better work

Dudes I’m so tired. (she says, again, for the thousandth time) Hey, shut the fuck up judgmental italics voice, this is a place I often come when I’m tired, so it’s natural that I would mention it… a lot. Anyway, shut the fuck up. (Whatever you say, sleepsy McGee) I swear to god… you need to shut the fuck up. Two of my friends came to see my tour tonight, it was sort of last minute, but it was cool to have them come and see it. It went pretty well overall, but I couldn’t help but feel… extra nervous having them there??? I don’t know why I would feel more nervous around my friends than fucking strangers… buuut oh well I guess. I *think* they liked it, I think they had fun. (Judgmental italics voice is trying to be a dick and tell me that those things aren’t true, that they thought it was dumb and I was dumb… but… judgmental italics voice needs to shut the fuck up). Aw man, I should have given them a button. I meant to, but I just forgot. It’s a lot. everything is a lot. My voice is fucking tired, it hurts and I can tell it’s starting to sound ragged. I really really hope I don’t have to fucking work tomorrow. I could have and maybe should have like… texted The Boss Lady and told her my voice is feeling not awesome and it would be great to have a night to rest it, but like… I hate doing things like that, and apparently I would rather gamble and possibly suffer, because I can’t stand the thought of looking even slightly weak or slightly unreliable. **thumbs up** (#dommeaesthetic) I did get another five star review yesterday tho, and a group asked me to take a picture with them after the tour, which was cute. I just finished all of my school work that is due tomorrow, so hopefully I can have some time to work on other projects. I want to do my big snake tank project, and I want to / really fucking need to get some exercise. I really need to figure out ways to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine, even when I have tours, even when I have school work to do. I need to make time for it, I need to prioritize it. It can be hard to schedule and figure out how to get it done with time to shower and be presentable by 7pm… but I need to get it figured out, because I’m starting to feel real fucking shitty about it. Anyway, yeah. There are lots of other things I want to do as well. (oh shit, it’s suddenly 4am lmao) I want to practice rope work (I’m quite pleased with the little ~appropriate for public wear~ collar and cuff set that I made from para-cord, and I want to try more things) I want to have time to just… be able to think about things I want to try, things I want to orchestrate, if that makes sense. I don’t want to just have to snatch little snippets of thoughts as I’m trying to mostly shut them up and concentrate on whatever piece of work I’m trying to do. The ability to just spend hours thinking about it and planning things out sounds so lovely and luxurious to me right now. I want to look into the viability of corks on needle ends. I want to study knots and boots and ginger roots. I want to hone myself into a fine sharp blade. I want time, time, time.

yes

I’m a unicorn now apparently. I’ve gotten two messages on my *new* tumblr from random dudes in the last two days, trying to talk to me and whatever. Wanting in on this in some strange internet way. “So you’re a domme?” One asks, though the answer would appear fairly obvious, and my answer is true and good. “I’m whatever I choose to make of myself, that included.” Last night was lovely and not long enough. Time holds greater cruelties than ever I could devise. I grow at ease with myself, in a way I find surprising. A growled exhale and there are embers on my breath. My thoughts race and riot, and there’s never enough time for it all, but it’s good. My life is strange but I feel, in a way, more at peace than I have in a long time. *knocks on wood*