Coast

I can hold still for 180 seconds

Flawless stillness for that long at least 

And I’ll teach you games if you’ll

Teach me games

And I’ll learn to play if you’ll

Learn to play

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Mending wall

I worry and worry and worry. It’s heavy on me and I feel like even to write it directly would be a curse, so I won’t. Even still, even still. I just dropped $60 on textbooks, and it’s likely I’ll have to spend more soon. It annoys me when I can’t find e-book versions, (preferably FREE e-book versions) of my textbooks, and I have to have physical copies like some sort of peasant. I’m doing an assignment right now that’s going to be turned in late, but maybe it won’t be a huge deal… I’m not sure. It is whatever it is, I suppose. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing… like… about anything… ever. So far I really haven’t gotten a good start to the semester. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I trust myself to get my shit together. *knocks on wood* We went to the library the other night, and I got 5 books. I’m almost done with one of them (it’s a graphic novel, so no great accomplishment) but it’s been a significant while since I’ve read a physical paper book, and it is nice. I want to do more of it. I had a tour tonight and it went really well. First one I’ve had in over a week, and I need the money so it was good, but as usual I did not want to actually go and do it at all. But, it went really well. One of my best ones really. It was just two people, which is always kinda weird, but more or less weird depending on what they are like. They were both very tall, lovely human specimens. Him with a puerta-rican accent somewhat faded by 9 years in the states, and her with a wide bright smile. I could tell right away they would be a good little audience, and they were. Total believers, which is always a bit more fun for me. It’s easier for me to make them get into it. At one spot they were trying to take pictures after I told them “this is the spot, just last week, where two people both got pictures of a creepy translucent face up in that window” (which is a thing that did happen, but it was like 3 months ago, but like… that doesn’t sound as good from a storytelling standpoint) And as they were trying to take pictures both of their cameras started glitching out, and neither would let them actually take a picture when they were pointed at that spot. They both started freaking out, getting really excited, and I was definitely seeing it happening, and I was hyping it up “wow! that’s so cool! I’ve never seen that happen before! How awesome!” but my skeptical, jaded ass was like... eeeeehhhhh whateva it’s probably nothing internally.  But they had a really good time, and the lady kept saying that I was so good, that I was amazing, and then at the end she asked if she could give me a hug, and I was like LOL sure, and it felt like hugging a majestic giantess.  Alright, it’s time for me to Very Quickly finish up this already late assignment, and send it off to my professor with apologies and a healthy dose of “the instructions were confusing” (which is true) and generally see how that goes. Peace.

Neg eg g 

I feel like I wasn’t as good a person to be around today as I could have been. I’m feeling really gross about my body. Super bad and gross and just… Soooo uncomfortable in my own skin. Horrified at how much of it there is, and here I am, inside it, piloting it, and fucking it up. Or if not actively fucking it up, then certainly not doing nearly enough to maintain it, and that’s still the work of a shitty pilot. What do I need to do to flip that control switch back? I need small solid goals and self controls. I need something. I hate feeling like this. Ugh. Sorry to be this negative. I’m worn out from everything too much to keep it in. And I don’t want to feel bad tho. I want to have a cool fun weekend and do a lot of stuff, and I’m gong to try my very best to make that happen. For this second, I’m going to try and sleep. Peace. 

Mice Hice

We’ve been having mice in the apartment for like the past month. Just caught the 5th one total, and 2nd one today, using a catch and release trap. The one from earlier was the smallest, cutest little shit I’ve ever seen. This one is grown and not nearly so charming, but clever as anything. I feel like an asshole, letting them go in the middle of the night in the freezing cold, so I wait, until the warmest hours of the day, wanting to give them the best possible chance of finding somewhere suitable to stay before cold night again. The tiny one from earlier was content to sit in the trap, eating crumbs and napping until I took him out and freed him. But this big guy was all panic panic slam his head into the trap door. So I moved him to a little bin, that I set up with food and water and hiding paper. I secured it closed and have since been watching his clever but futile escape attempts. It’s 3am, and if I’m going to wait until warmest day he’s going to have to live here for 12 hours. (I can think of worse fates, he could be going to the snakes) 

It’s all a little voice

Giving ghost tours is definitely a weird fucking job. I don’t always know how I feel about it. It’s hard and draining and weird but also pretty cool. And when it goes well it’s really good. Tonight was the biggest group I’ve had in a couple months I think.  14 people all in. And I was excellent. It’s so weird, like, no matter how much I’m not fucking feeling like doing it, no matter what my mood is, no matter how tired or out of it or sad or annoyed or whatever, the second I step out there and start doing it I’m just… On. It’s just going and happening and I’m doing it. Making jokes and building the energy up up up, and just being this tour persona. I was talking to another one of the guides about it a couple weeks ago, he was trying to describe his experience of this same phenomenon to me. “Well… You probably know what I mean.” He says, “I mean, of all the people in the world, if anyone would know, it would probably be you.” And we laugh about it, and it’s a strange sort of comradery. And I just realized, really, that it’s the only job I’ve ever had where I’m not instantly replaceable. Where they couldn’t just get rid of me and have someone new doing my job the next day. It’s months of training and work for a new person, and maybe they could do it, but maybe not. Weird. Okay. It’s almost 3 am so I’m guna let myself sleep for a tiny minute. Peace. 

Post Title

“Share your story here” okay WordPress. Once upon a time it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the 5 articles I promised to deliver. And I really should have been asleep, but I couldn’t fucking sleep, because my brain was awash in thought and ideas and images and full formed games and half formed plans. I start to blame myself. I wasn’t engaging enough. I didn’t inspire enough feeling. And maybe that’s true, and definitely I could always improve, but it’s not fucking useful to berate myself. It’s new still and I’m new at it, still. But I’m good. I have a true spark and flame and flare for it. I found it and it’s mine and I’m finding more of it still. I want to be strong. I want muscles and muscles and it feels good to want that. I have everything I need to forge ahead. I have thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. And they all lived happily ever after, the end.