brutal positivity face punch

So out of it that I forgot I had opened my phone to turn off the downstairs light, and instead came here, and then had to go back there and do that and then come back here again. Warlock is a real for real type of business that means business. 

I am surrounded by love and I hope you fucking know, you better fucking know, that I don’t take it for granted. I do not fail to appreciate how fucking peerlessly fortunate it makes me. I know. With every last twitch of my harried heart, I know. 

And I knew i never wanted to take someone else’s name. I knew, for certain, as a world new child, that I would never relinquish that bit of myself. But i’d never thought about how, I could give my name, in love, as a gift

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Leviosa

a feeling of instability is what really gnaws at me. Whether it’s 100% just my perception, or…  not just my perception, it gnaws, and I’m still working on ways to get the jaws to release.

It’s late, I should be in bed if I want to get enough sleep, but I’m not in bed. I’m examining the balloon of feelings inside of my chest. It inflates, at night, when I’m alone. My dad called me earlier, after I texted them to tell them I was doing a tour, to tell me that they were out looking at houses, for me. They are eager to help me achieve this goal, they want to help me, they want to be able to make it happen soon, and my feelings balloon inside my chest.

I’m just … trying. At everything, I’m trying. I want to be good (lol) To myself, as well as to those around me, as well as in general, in the sense of being a good person. I’m just … trying. At everything, I’m trying.

I feel weird and sort of directionless not doing school stuff. Also sort of guilty, like I’m not doing enough. Like I don’t deserve this time, like one little night job a couple days a week isn’t doing enough. I would feel better if I was working more on my personal projects but I haven’t been, so there’s that. I will, okay? I will. I don’t have to write it in order, I just have to write it. I have one more week, as of today, before the semester starts. I want to feel like I deserve this time, Like I earned it. Why can’t I validate myself in this way?

I have to submit my “Intention to graduate” by September 4th. I have to apply for and take the big comprehensive examination not too long after that. I don’t even know what the fuck that’s going to be… or what kind of material it’s going to cover… sooo I need to figure that out soon. I should talk to my advisor / the head of my program. (I should talk to her a lot, and form some sort of actual connection with her so I can use her as a reference)

This shit is long-winded as hell, and I don’t know if it’s useful or not but uuuhhh….. Iiiiiiii wrote it! Fuck, I should totally go to bed. It’s late as fuck. I’m gunna try to do that now. Peace.

 

I hate that little game you had called

(crying lightning) Heywhat’supyouguys? (yes) Back at it again with not knowing what the fuck I’m doing about stuff! Three more days ’till I get my financial aid money in, which is cool. Being a person is fucking rough bro. It’s rough. Really, I need to focus on myself, on improving the things I want to improve about myself. I need to focus on my personal goals, and do the best I can in that sphere, instead of constantly, literally, fucking constantly,  obsessing over things that ultimately aren’t in my control. I can do what I can, I can be honest to myself, I can try my true full best to communicate my thoughts and feelings, but that’s it. It’s fucking unhealthy to constantly, basically almost every single second I’m awake, obsess over shit that’s out of my control. Obsessing over ways I could try to control it? or just… again…playing worst case scenarios in my brain again and again, and then getting upset about them. It’s fucking bullshit. I need to change what I can change, work on being the version of myself that I want to fucking be. I need to hold that in the forefront of my mind, and let other shit go. Let it pass and shift and flow around me, without consuming me. (easier said than done brain bro) yeah, I know. But still. It’s a true fact, and a goal. Ugh. I should go to bed at this point. I honestly barely even know what the fuck I’m talking about any more. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m tired. I need to decide, pretty soon, if I want to go for a PHD or not. Like… it would be cool to have a pretty huge dick, I could be a Real Professor if I had a pretty huge dick, buuut do I want to go to school for that long? to get a pretty huge dick? I dunno. But i need to decide kinda fairly soon. I want to pump myself up with positivity, work on myself and my projects. It’s important.

30

You know how sometimes

The love of your life is snoring

Fully asleep beside you

And you can’t stop thinking about

Pushing a 1.6mm needle

Through the most intimate part

Of their body?

You know how sometimes

One time

You live out your first full day

As a thirty year old person?

You know how sometimes

You don’t want night to come

You don’t want morning to come

Because it will break the bubble

The tender bubble of time

Where you two are all and only

Where questions and trials are held

At bay?

29

Today is my last day to be in my 20s. Holy shit. I honestly have no idea how to mentally… deal with that. Like… age is just a number, or whatever, but it’s a number that affects me. Numbers have meanings and it’s a meaningful number. I feel like I should do something special with this day, mourn or celebrate, destroy or create, but I don’t have any plans (or any money lol) and I might have to do a tour in the night time. I find it un-fucking-believable, in a way, that I’m actually this old. It doesn’t feel real. Honestly? I’m afraid. That’s the real truth of what I’m feeling. I’m afraid. Afraid to be 30, afraid that where I’m at in life right now isn’t good enough, afraid for the future. Three decades, I’ll have been alive. It’s so little and so much, how is it both? It’s happening and happening either way, so I need to find a way to make peace with it. I’m trying to come up with a fun activity to do on my actual birthday. It’s as much about my family as it is about me, really, and I want to make it fun for them. (I don’t want them to know that I’m afraid) I want to fill my heart with love, so that those I love can feel it radiating from the core of my being. If my body is a temple, I want only to become the master of my own domain. One way or another. It’s time for me to go to bed. Peace. See you on the other side.

shinju

This is my time. 20 days and nights before my next semester starts. I’m trying to use the time to work on some of my personal projects. Personal projects meaning some of my music stuff, meaning some of my personal writing projects, one I really want to edit, and think I can make a lot better, and one I should just fucking suck it up and write. Also ropework. I want to practice some ropework. (and I have been) I kinda wish I had a mannequin or something to practice on, because some stuff isn’t practical to practice on yourself. (but also I don’t have room in my house for literally anything so I don’t actually want one) I’m going through crash restraint and just watching literally every tutorial in order. So far it’s 90% shit I know but I’ve picked up a couple useful tips and it feels like…. a more rounded education, I guess you could say. I’m pleasantly surprised to find that a lot of little things that apparently needed explanation are things that I just did instinctively. (there are also some things that seem obvious but that I never thought of). I also kinda want to work on my stupid paint with diamonds thing, but have you ever had like… an activity or a project get tainted because something that made you feel shitty happened around the time you were doing it? And then like… you just sort of have a weird, negative, disconcerting feeling about it afterward?  even though it’s 100% super unrelated to the thing that made you feel bad? Idk.

My birthday is in less than a week and I sorta don’t want it to happen because I am Horrified At The Prospect of Aging, but at the same time I’m slightly looking forward to it? and I’m determined to make it as good as I can. I’m wild tired of not having a good time on my birthday. I should let myself celebrate, for reals. I want to have fun with my family, and radiate my love for them. I’m looking forward to having some uninterrupted time with my S.O. I want to lay plans and follow them through.

I don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like and that gives me anxiety. Everything gives me anxiety lately. Earlier I found out that one of my fave youtube couples broke up, and I was like… actually genuinely sad about it. Like literal strangers to me, from the internet. But I’ve followed them for almost two years and I have feelings about it I guess. Everything gives me feelings lately.

It’s 2am now. I should go to sleep. I’m fucking tired. My eyes hurt. I don’t know what decisions I should make about lots of different stuff, and I want to give myself permission to be okay with that, for just a little while. But I don’t know if that’s actually possible. I don’t know if that even makes sense. I want to give myself permission to just fucking live, to do my best, to exist in the moment and to not fucking hound myself constantly. I want to let myself live. Let myself exist, here. Let myself turn 30.

As the churl learns

I’m tired and my thoughts feel somehow both sluggish and flittering, so I’m guna shoot some bullets your way.

  • I finished my summer semester. I got my grades today. My  4.0 overall GPA still stands.
  • I’m relieved, I’m a little bit proud of myself. I want to feel thrilled, I want to celebrate, but uuuhh
  • ???????????????????????
  • I just started my period today and everything hurts and I’m fucking exhausted
  • I just got back from a tour with a bunch of high school kids and everything hurts and I’m exhausted.
  • My emotions are swinging wild, i’m sure hormones are a factor
  • My next semester doesn’t start ’till August 20th, so I’ve got a decent chunk of time
  • Unfortunately I don’t get my financial aid ’til the 15th, so I’m going to be poor as fuck for basically all my free time, which is super annoying.
  • My brother is going to put in his 30 days notice tomorrow and I’m happy for him but I’m also sad, and envious. It’s okay.
  • Peace