Dudes I’m so tired. (she says, again, for the thousandth time) Hey, shut the fuck up judgmental italics voice, this is a place I often come when I’m tired, so it’s natural that I would mention it… a lot. Anyway, shut the fuck up. (Whatever you say, sleepsy McGee) I swear to god… you need to shut the fuck up. Two of my friends came to see my tour tonight, it was sort of last minute, but it was cool to have them come and see it. It went pretty well overall, but I couldn’t help but feel… extra nervous having them there??? I don’t know why I would feel more nervous around my friends than fucking strangers… buuut oh well I guess. I *think* they liked it, I think they had fun. (Judgmental italics voice is trying to be a dick and tell me that those things aren’t true, that they thought it was dumb and I was dumb… but… judgmental italics voice needs to shut the fuck up). Aw man, I should have given them a button. I meant to, but I just forgot. It’s a lot. everything is a lot. My voice is fucking tired, it hurts and I can tell it’s starting to sound ragged. I really really hope I don’t have to fucking work tomorrow. I could have and maybe should have like… texted The Boss Lady and told her my voice is feeling not awesome and it would be great to have a night to rest it, but like… I hate doing things like that, and apparently I would rather gamble and possibly suffer, because I can’t stand the thought of looking even slightly weak or slightly unreliable. **thumbs up** (#dommeaesthetic) I did get another five star review yesterday tho, and a group asked me to take a picture with them after the tour, which was cute. I just finished all of my school work that is due tomorrow, so hopefully I can have some time to work on other projects. I want to do my big snake tank project, and I want to / really fucking need to get some exercise. I really need to figure out ways to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine, even when I have tours, even when I have school work to do. I need to make time for it, I need to prioritize it. It can be hard to schedule and figure out how to get it done with time to shower and be presentable by 7pm… but I need to get it figured out, because I’m starting to feel real fucking shitty about it. Anyway, yeah. There are lots of other things I want to do as well. (oh shit, it’s suddenly 4am lmao) I want to practice rope work (I’m quite pleased with the little ~appropriate for public wear~ collar and cuff set that I made from para-cord, and I want to try more things) I want to have time to just… be able to think about things I want to try, things I want to orchestrate, if that makes sense. I don’t want to just have to snatch little snippets of thoughts as I’m trying to mostly shut them up and concentrate on whatever piece of work I’m trying to do. The ability to just spend hours thinking about it and planning things out sounds so lovely and luxurious to me right now. I want to look into the viability of corks on needle ends. I want to study knots and boots and ginger roots. I want to hone myself into a fine sharp blade. I want time, time, time.
I’m a unicorn now apparently. I’ve gotten two messages on my *new* tumblr from random dudes in the last two days, trying to talk to me and whatever. Wanting in on this in some strange internet way. “So you’re a domme?” One asks, though the answer would appear fairly obvious, and my answer is true and good. “I’m whatever I choose to make of myself, that included.” Last night was lovely and not long enough. Time holds greater cruelties than ever I could devise. I grow at ease with myself, in a way I find surprising. A growled exhale and there are embers on my breath. My thoughts race and riot, and there’s never enough time for it all, but it’s good. My life is strange but I feel, in a way, more at peace than I have in a long time. *knocks on wood*
I’ve got a lot of stuff on my only-est plate. I’m so fucking exhausted and I really just want to be asleep now, but like I said… stuff. plate. My last entry was suuuuper dark, and I’m kinda sorry about that, but it was for sure how I felt at the time. I’m not 100% sure how this one is going to come across, but oh well lmao. Let’s just get into it.
- Activities happened last night. The “away mission” and the first part of the night went really well and were very fun, but then it sorta fell apart in a big way. Shit got weird and emotional AF and I ended up talking about shit I wasn’t really planning on talking about. I still feel kinda bad, like I fucked it up and didn’t read the situation right. It felt so big, like so much was riding on it… but… yeah. I dunno. If the S.O is okay, and okay with it than ultimately I am as well, and we can move forward.
- I managed to bruise the absolute shit out of my palm during said activities. I really don’t bruise easily **at all** so this is like… serious business. It goes all the way up to my fingers. It’s really fucking annoying ’cause it’s my right hand and I use it for literally everything. It doesn’t show up super well in pics, but here’s proof for posterity.
- I have a mid-term that I have to take tomorrow, and I should be studying for it right now instead of writing this shit. I’m kinda nervous about it, I’m not going to lie. It’s a two hour test with essay questions and shit. (open internet tho lol)
- Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, in October, and I’m a ghost tour guide. It’s going to be absolutely fucking packed, there are already 56 people signed up for the 8pm tour and 45 people signed up for the 10pm tour. I’m guide #2 for both, and I will probably have to do both, and that’s really going to fucking suck. Same deal for Saturday, but fewer people so far.
- My little brother is the best, and he brought me some absolutely foul tasting “singers saving grace” throat spray to help my voice not get fucked up when I have to talk for 3 hours straight.
- I have a bunch of other homework due on Sunday, including a weird thing for my film class where I have to watch a (probably super boring) movie and do all kinds of screen shots and write about them and shit. And I’ll *probably* have a tour Sunday as well, unless I get magically super lucky.
- Oh shit, I’m supposed to memorize a fucking list of Friday the 13th facts before my tour tomorrow. lmfao. awesome.
- I really need to get my shit together as far as eating better and exercising more is concerned. I want to continue to make progress, and I certainly don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I need to get my shit together in that arena. I’ve been so busy, but I need to make time for it and I need to be mindful, vigilant. It’s really that simple.
- Today was pretty nice tho. I didn’t do shit, even though I definitely should have. Like a full day of doing nothing, of softness and aftercare. And my love falling asleep on my chest while I held them. Just fully asleep, head on my chest, wrapped in my arms. Safe. Mine. That was honestly the most calm and peaceful and just… content I’ve felt in like… a long time. Too long.
Hello, hi, hi, hello. It’s midnight, I’m exhausted, I’m trying to do all my homework. Tonight I did my fourth full tour, and my first full tour without the safety net of an experienced guide as my assistant. And it went… really well. It rained, on and off, the whole time. We did the “rain route” for some of the stops, which basically just means standing under awnings whenever possible. Overall it went quite well, I got good reactions and overall enthusiasm. I also netted a total of $28 in tips, a personal best, which I split with my little ninja quiet assistant. I didn’t need to be nervous. I had it down. (I could still stand to practice my intro a bit more tho, really). I did a tour last night as well, and then at like 2am I got an e-mail, (me and literally everyone else who works for this tour company) It was from The Boss Lady, and it was an e-mail congratulating me, for already getting a 5 star review, and it included a copy of the review. It was good, and nice, and I am weirdly embarrassed that she sent it to literally everyone in the company, omg. Everyone was congratulating me today and i was embarrassed, but also, glad really. I need to write up a little bio of myself for the company website, and I hate doing shit like that. I also have to do four fucking discussion board discussions before my tour tomorrow night. I’ve officially completed 3 of my 5 days of tours in a row. I’m tired. I’m so tired. But tonight was good, tonight was alright. I love the rain, and I think it really adds to the overall experience for people. It’s really draining for me to do these. It takes a lot of energy to be so “on” for so long. Just talking and talking and trying to be entertaining, it’s seriously **a lot**. The boss lady kept saying that she always feels really hyped up after she finishes a tour, but I just feel exhausted AF. It takes a lot out of me, for sure. Maybe I’ll get more accustomed to it. But yeah, I did it. Now, I really really gotta get some of this school work taken care of. My life is weird now. weird.
Fall falls and it’s safe
Fall falls and I’m safe
From prying eyes and long sleeve lies
I’m mine I’m mine I’m mine I’m mine
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine
I’m mine I’m only always mine
I’m fine I’m always fucking fine
It’s a funhouse dream
A gunpowder ream
Smudged haunting words
That fresh cut sting
I’m drowning in the sound or
Maybe I’m just fucking drowning
In my stagnant feeling brain
In my fleshy fleshy flesh
In cowardice and denial
In my lack of self control
Tomorrow and tomorrow
Is such bullshit it’s
Such a fucking cop out
Today is it
Today is fucking it
I promise on my bloody heart
I fucking promise on my ghost
I won’t magically be better tomorrow
Today is it
Today is really really it
Holy shit you guys. I’m suddenly feeling soooooooo fucking overwhelmed. Let’s make a list of ALL THE THINGS I have to do and also things that are happening.
- 5 freelance articles due by Monday, I’m trying to knock out some (if not all) of those tonight
- Another client keeps bugging me about that weird side project, that I really don’t have time to do, but they are threatening to exclude people who don’t do more from the next part of the project
- Weekly assignments due Sunday/Monday in two classes
- I tried to take the weekly quiz for a class and the internet briefly died after I finished the second question and the quiz was automatically submitted so I got a fucking 2/10. I e-mailed the professor and hopefully he will be cool and let me re-take it, but who fucking knows.
- I have an ACTUAL FUCKING PAPER due on Sunday, that requires 3 sources and a works cited and all of that shit. LMAO fuck.
- I’m scheduled for a tour on Saturday night and there is a high probability that I will have to do one tomorrow night as well.
- I need to work on getting all the stories down… like… within the next few days.
- My fucking drivers license will be officially expired tomorrow, so I gotta make it down to the MVD and deal with that shit.
- I’m having issues dealing with a financial aid thing that I’m trying to get and they are being difficult difficult lemon difficult.
So yeah, I’m like… feeling super fucking overwhelmed. Also I’m pretty sure my period is about to start in the next few days, which is definitely definitely not helping me feel stable and calm. I’m having emotions and thinking about personal life shit and it’s all too much man. I’m trying really hard not to freak the fuck out tbh. I’m even feeling some bullshit self destructive urges which hasn’t happened in a while. I need to chill out and I need to fucking work. So that’s what I’m going to try to do right now, for the next few hours. I might update this or I might not, we’ll see. peace.
*update* 1:50am. Wrote all 5 freelance articles. Didn’t do any of the weird side project but might spend a few minutes knocking some out before I go to bed. My plan is to *hopefully* *knocks on wood* get that quiz sorted tomorrow and finish everything else for that class and go deal with my drivers’ license. Then I’ll have Saturday before my tour and Sunday before Kansas midnight to do the paper. The shit that’s due on Monday I’ll do on Monday before Kansas midnight. That’s my plan. That’s the plan. We’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see. Okay, night. *Update again* lmao I forgot to figure out when I’m going to make time to write out / memorize / practice all my ghost stories. Lmao. I guess I’ll just have to cram that in somewhere. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. Okay, peace for realz