Playlist # ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wonder if I’ll always remember what it felt like to run around drunk in our new backyard, free and full and unbelieving.  I wonder if I’ll always remember those first few months of painting and cleaning and claiming. Building and breaking and breaking in. I wonder if I’ll always feel a stab of anxiety when I see people not wearing masks, or getting too close. I know this is changing me forever. I wonder what that means.

Grandson – Is this what you wanted?

Caffeine doesn’t do as much as it should. Alcohol doesn’t do as much as it should. Hot sauce still does as much as it should, so that’s nice. Time feels frozen but everything is still moving, everything is still happening. It seems immoral to bring a child into the world right now. We couldn’t even make it 100 years before another fascist regime came to power? Jesus fucking christ.

Sub urban – Cirque

I just want to have a successful little business selling cute jewelry or soaps or candles or quasi-occult trinkets or all of the above. I want to bring in 45k per year. That would be enough to pay everything, maybe travel once a year, maybe get a car that isn’t old enough to drink. Is that too much to ask? 45k for my whole household. In the scheme of things, that’s nothing. In the scale of glutinous billionaire wealth hoarding, that’s one smoke break’s worth of money.  I should be able to have that. I should be able to have that.

Mother mother – In the wings

I’m looking into planting an eco-lawn in part of my back yard. It’s supposed to be no mow (you can but you don’t have to). You aren’t supposed to have to water it at all after it is established, and it supports local biodiversity. could be cool, but I would need to rent real equipment to prep the area and also we are on the very edge of the zone where you can plant this type of grass, so no guarantee it would actually work out. But it wouldn’t be a HUGE financial gamble, and if it worked out it would be pretty great. Our dog would love it so much.

Chris Garneau – Fireflies

Our dog would love another dog so much, but during a global pandemic seems like not a good time to get one. Like … socialization would be a hell of a lot harder when I’m trying to not leave my house or come into contact with any other people if I can help it. I might be able to get them into a daycare or something so they could have other dog socialization, but … I dunno. It would be A Lot. It can wait.

Shayfer James – Mercy down

It’s time for me to be done with this and move on. It’s been raining a lot the past few days and I love it. It’s good. It’s good for my soul. I watch it, or walk in it and let it cover me. Cold and wet in the middle of summer. Yes. This.

rusty quill

awake and alone. Just me and the thoughts in my brain. Just me and the nagging, jagged, clawed thoughts in my brain. But it’s okay. I’m so scared of and for the world right now. It hurts to look. It hurts to open my eyes. It hurts. Protect my family. It’s all I can try to do and it’s all I can care about. Keep them safe. Fuck everyone else. Do what I can to keep their morale up. How’s my morale doing? That’s a question I don’t like to ask. I’m having real bad body issues, we can say that off the jump. When I start thinking shit like …. maybe if I start cutting myself it will make me feel better and I won’t feel like eating so much … that’s not fucking great ideation. That’s. Not. Fucking. Great. Ideation. I know drinking so goddamn much doesn’t help. It’s a Known Fact About Me. The calories from the alcohol alone are enough to fuck up any type of progress I make via exercising. Not to mention the mental effects. But like …. it’s the only thing I want to do. I can’t leave the house, but I can leave my brain for a few hours. I can stop myself from thinking about the grave injuries and injustices of the world. I can stop myself from thinking about my personal fears, my insecurities and indecisions, the what-if, what-will-be, what the fuck would I even say refrain. I can stop myself from thinking about my body. Or at least… I can soften all these thoughts to an extent that makes them seem bearable. And it’s the only thing I want to do. But at the same time … I don’t. You know? Do you …. even … know? Ugh. Okay. Whatever. I’m done with this whole depressing line of thought. Let’s quick list four things that don’t suck, and then close out this whole thing and go the fuck to bed.

1. There’s a dog sleeping under my desk, and she is laying her head on my foot.
2. I’m almost done with my first diamond “painting”.
3.  I love how my house looks with the trim and siding finally painted.
4. I live in a house.