impossible

Late late late late late sleep sleep sleep sleep boy. Things are thick and strange I must must say. Proud of how I set up my snake tank all improv style when shit went bad. She’s sleeping now. Dang I want another snake! But that’s probably a bad decision right now, probably. Even though I’m pro and could take care of one easily. I’m always torn about such things. Feeling guilty about how it will effect people it really won’t effect at all. (Barring some great tragedy, and even then  it’s a small thing in reality (but I’ll still knock on wood)) but even so so so so so so so. I just don’t know you know you know I just don’t know. We went to a play this evening, honestly I almost forgot about it entirely. Remembered only because my mom texted to remind me. But I’m glad I didn’t forget. It was funny and beautiful and an amazing set. So many good jokes and true laughs. Excellent acting happening live before my eyes. The kind of thing that makes me feel astounded and alive. But my boy was and is sick and suffering. Some type of coughing thing. I’m hoping he’ll feel better soon, feeding him medicine and soup. I should try to sleep. Laying here staring at the red red light. Not yet time to sleep, not quite

Closet cousin

My poor fucking hair is so dry and sad still. Trying to condition it and not over wash it as it recovers. In other news… my boyfriend is currently cleaning out the big closet in our hallway, because there is a chance my younger cousin might be fucking sleeping in there for a few days. Because her fiance broke up with her and she cheated on him or something? Idk? And she doesn’t have anywhere to stay I guess… But we live in a Tiny fucking 1br apartment so the best we have to offer is a closet big enough to put a tiny mattress in. And we really fucking hope she finds somewhere else to stay because it would just really suck and goodbye privacy. And like I’m not even *that* close with her really. She is not someone I would ever choose to live with. Like it would totally fucking suck and I hope it doesn’t happen. But this closet was way overdue for a cleaning anyway, so at least that’s happening apparently. I should get up and help, instead of laying here in my towel compulsively touching my dry hair. Ok. Yeah. Here I go.

Hot roots

I tried to dye my hair the other day and it came out sooo fucking stupid and my roots were waaaaayyy lighter than the rest of it and it looked fucking terrible with a goddamn stripe down the middle of my head. Soooo I ended up dying it twice more before getting it acceptable. But now it’s wicked sad and dry. I did a deep conditioning treatment but I’m probably gonna do another one soon. But seriously I was full ready to damage the shit out of it before walking around looking like the offspring of a skunk that fucked a clown. It was a monstrosity all around. I went on a walk this evening and it was cool and lightly raining. Beautiful clouds and trees and sounds. But then when I was almost home I had a mildly embarrassing encounter. So I’ll probably dwell on that for a week or so. (It might haunt me forever! 🙂 there’s just no way to know! 🙂 ) hide hide hide hide. I want to be my snake. Hide inside a log, curl up on a warm spot and sleep for a few days. Until my old skin just sloughs off. Until my old skin sloughs right off. Until my old skin all sloughs off.

Studying pressure

Momentum means next to nothing when the car you’re trying to push weighs almost 4,000 pounds, and you have to make it over a little incline. It is all pushing and put your back into it and feel the bumper bite into your leg bones. But you do it somehow, and mostly on your own. It might impress the neighbor who comes running to help too late. He might tell you you are strong. And you demure and give credit to a low center of gravity and exercises you mastered over ten years ago. At just fifteen, your biggest concern is if you’ll make the team. (You will, my hopeless warrior, you will. On sheer determination more than skill.)

Q&A

Q: guess who’s drunk and still writing articles?
A: it’s me, it’s me, it’s definitely me

Q: guess who has no idea what they’re writing about?
A: it’s me, it’s me, it’s definitely me

Q: guess who’s guna turn it in to their editor without even fucking proofreading it?
A: it’s me, it’s me, it’s definitely me

Q: guess who’s so fucking confident in their writing and bullshitting abilities that they aren’t the slightest bit worried anyone will even notice anything is off?
A: it’s me, it’s me, it’s definitely me

Q: guess who’s drinking a huge bottle of water with fiber powder in it because they think that might help negate any hangover effects?
A: that would be me as well, obviously

Q: guess who fucking sucks at making rational life choices?
A: I dunno, who could it possibly fucking be?

Q: guess who feels way lost and aimless and weird about life in general?
A: I have no idea! Who is this mystery person?

Q: guess who’s been feeling wicked self destructive and having a tough time dealing with it in ways they won’t rage at themselves over later and fucking mad regret later?
A: ummm… I have no idea? Is it that kid Tom that I saw riding his bike to the store the other day? It’s probably him, right?

Q: guess who has keys and light and words just right, who breathes and sees and smiles before a fight?
A: it’s me, it’s me, it’s definitely me

Things i

Should be doing:
*writing these fucking 6 more articles that are due on Friday
*did I mention working on these articles?
*did I mention they’re due on Friday?

Am doing:
*waiting forever for my frozen computer to restart
*writing this on my phone
*looking at tumblr
*being tired
*listening to Pandora

Want to do:
*be asleep
*read dumb mindless stuff
*bad stuff to myself
*keep my shit together so I don’t actually do it
*write cool songs
*be done writing these fucking articles

Playlist 36: songs for saturdays

Whenever I’m writing articles I feel like making a playlist. It’s been forever since I’ve done one, but now seems like as good a time as any to bust one out. I’m here listening to music with some studio quality huge ass headphones, since I forgot my earbuds. Soooo… might as well go for it right? Don’t think I’ll post it till Saturday tho. Here are some fun songs with good beats and no serious feels, which is exactly what I need for having a fun summer Saturday. I wish everyone (myself included) a good weekend.

1. Tokyo Police Club – Bambi (Mad cute)

2. Blood Diamonds – Phone Sex (Feat. Grimes) (Weird, not even 100% sure I like it. Gets interesting around 1:30)

3. Purity Ring – Fineshrine (I’ve been getting into purity ring. lyrics, sounds, just yeah.)

4. Miike Snow – Plastic Jungle (Niice as always Miike Snow)

5. Big Data – Dangerous (Oliver Remix) (I dig this remix more than the original for some reason)

Lances for free

Sometimes I feel kinda bad about the work I do, because it’s just such gross consumerism / capitalist bullshit. Like really. Like really really there is no need for this shit. I’m writing bullshit articles that no one really fucking needs, that are nothing but thinly veiled advertisements trying to entice people into buying shit in a way that’s supposed to seem helpful and friendly but literally the only point is to try and sell shit. And like… no one fucking needs these articles. No one needs 800 word articles about how to wash specific brands of hoodies. Like are you shitting me? But you know? I make about $20 an hour writing this absolute bullshit, pulling up way more words than it fucking needs to describe how to wash a fucking hoodie or how to use some type of lotion or what the fuck ever. So like… How can I complain really? It’s secretly amazing. Whatever. I just slightly feel like I’m using my writing abilities for evil maybe? I dunno. Ultimately, I gotta watch out for #1. Ugh. Don’t listen to me. I’m fucking exhausted. I only slept 4 hours last night and I slept none-too-fucking-great the night before that either. Soooooo I’m wicked tired. Wicked fucking tired. Don’t really wanna be here, but I feel obligated to, you know? Because of how much stuff my parents do for me all the time. Fuck, I’m tired. I need to finish at least one article today, because I have 11 fucking more due by next Friday… which is kind of a lot yo. And this format is harder to write than the top 10 articles, because I actually have to come up with a fucking format myself, and organize the whole thing, instead of just doing 5 minutes of research and basically filling out a form. -shrugs for a thousand years-

On forging steel

****elongated sigh**** Freakin’ tired. Slept poorly last night because of pain and discomfort and other things I guess. Whatever. It is what it is what it is what it is it is. Didn’t feel exactly ~fantastic~ today, but I went to the gym anyway, because I needed to. Because it’s an outlet, and it’s actually a fairly constructive one. And I knew, I knew I knew that if I didn’t go things would start to get quite bad for me soon. This, at least, I’ve learned. When I’m tired and sweaty and weak and finished I feel good. I feel (absolved) better. I’m planning to go tomorrow as well. Push myself a little further hopefully. Afterward cold showers on my burning body. To temper me like a blade. Hard and sharp and flexible enough to avoid breaking.

The Amazing Eavesdropper(TM)

Hey, hi, hi, hey. I successfully made it through my birthday. It was actually not bad at all. I went to my parents house and we just hung out for a long time and went to lunch and it was easy and everyone was happy and overall it was a very nice experience. My new age has settled over me, and I suppose I’m okay with it. Or at least getting there. We went to a play last night (part of my birthday present from my parents, along with another play in like a month, and the phone that I want when I can get an upgrade in like two months. I think I’ve convinced my mom to take my old phone, and **finally** join the modern -smartphone having- world.) The play was okay, it could have been 30 minutes shorter and 30% funnier… and it would have been amazing. I’m pretty much over forever and ever really truly incredibly over dramas about people cheating on each other and getting cheated on and yeah. Snoozles. One funny thing was the three old people sitting behind us could not fucking figure out that some parts of the play were like… plays within the play. They literally had no idea what was happening 90% of the time and I felt bad and kinda wanted to explain it to them but didn’t want to bust into their conversation and reveal my true identity as The Amazing Eavesdropper(TM). My parents still don’t know I have a snake lol. I should suck it up and just tell them I’m a MAJOR FUCKING ADULT they have to deal with my pet-having decisions. Speaking of my snake, she’s awesome and I held her for a long time last night, and I let her go on the bed to explore and check it out, but she ended up just hugging my leg and staying all close to me and it was the cutest shit ever. I’m ridiculously attached to her tbh. In less cool news, today I started bLeEdInG in that special fucking monthly way, and I feel a little bit terrible. I could tell last night it was probably going to happen. Even though this break isn’t *my* break exactly, I’m treating it like it is. This time is mine and I’m going to read and chill and enjoy it as much as I can… because when it ends I’m really going to need to take care of shit.