Tag Archives: ideas.

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brutal positivity face punch

So out of it that I forgot I had opened my phone to turn off the downstairs light, and instead came here, and then had to go back there and do that and then come back here again. Warlock is a real for real type of business that means business. 

I am surrounded by love and I hope you fucking know, you better fucking know, that I don’t take it for granted. I do not fail to appreciate how fucking peerlessly fortunate it makes me. I know. With every last twitch of my harried heart, I know. 

And I knew i never wanted to take someone else’s name. I knew, for certain, as a world new child, that I would never relinquish that bit of myself. But i’d never thought about how, I could give my name, in love, as a gift

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I hate that little game you had called

(crying lightning) Heywhat’supyouguys? (yes) Back at it again with not knowing what the fuck I’m doing about stuff! Three more days ’till I get my financial aid money in, which is cool. Being a person is fucking rough bro. It’s rough. Really, I need to focus on myself, on improving the things I want to improve about myself. I need to focus on my personal goals, and do the best I can in that sphere, instead of constantly, literally, fucking constantly,  obsessing over things that ultimately aren’t in my control. I can do what I can, I can be honest to myself, I can try my true full best to communicate my thoughts and feelings, but that’s it. It’s fucking unhealthy to constantly, basically almost every single second I’m awake, obsess over shit that’s out of my control. Obsessing over ways I could try to control it? or just… again…playing worst case scenarios in my brain again and again, and then getting upset about them. It’s fucking bullshit. I need to change what I can change, work on being the version of myself that I want to fucking be. I need to hold that in the forefront of my mind, and let other shit go. Let it pass and shift and flow around me, without consuming me. (easier said than done brain bro) yeah, I know. But still. It’s a true fact, and a goal. Ugh. I should go to bed at this point. I honestly barely even know what the fuck I’m talking about any more. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m tired. I need to decide, pretty soon, if I want to go for a PHD or not. Like… it would be cool to have a pretty huge dick, I could be a Real Professor if I had a pretty huge dick, buuut do I want to go to school for that long? to get a pretty huge dick? I dunno. But i need to decide kinda fairly soon. I want to pump myself up with positivity, work on myself and my projects. It’s important.

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massage

One paper done and submitted. One left to go, due tomorrow. (but I have a tour tomorrow night so I have to finish it before that) And this one is for my super annoying picky as fuck professor who likes to give me shit and fuck with my grades over tiny little formatting errors, while simultaneously praising my mastery of the material. *sarcastic thumbs up emoji* So I’m sort of more nervous about this one than I was about the longer one because basically this paper is prrrobably going to decide whether I get an A or B in the class. That shit makes me nervous. I have a lot of feelings. Like… dude. Feelings all up in this fucking piece. The skin around my eyes feels sore and raw. It’s very distracting when your brain plays worst case scenarios on an endless loop in the background of all of your thoughts constantly forever. It makes it really hard to get shit done, honestly. Also, fuck Tennessee Williams, honestly. I fucking know that being alive is a horrifying experience, and that the illusions we cling to can never truly save us from that sense of quiet desperation that we harbor in our dark hearts. I fucking know, okay? It’s like… obvious. I never, ever, for any reason, ever in my life, need to read, or see, a whole ass depressing ass play about it. Why couldn’t you write some shit about finding joy in the crevasses, or cautious optimism, or the way the terrible wonder of the universe can suddenly hit you, fully, when you’re driving down a city street as the sun goes down, and the street light in front of you turns yellow, replacing the sun for the span of three breaths just as it slips below the mountains. And you almost want to pull over, because you just feel it all welling up inside of you, the liquid light of a billion exploded stars singing in your blood, but you have a place to be, so you just turn your music up a little louder and sing your favorite line. Or like… he coulda written about some cute ass dogs or something.

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Garnet

I don’t know how some people seem to be able to do this sort of thing effortlessly. Just… Different I guess. The key, everyone says, is communication, and I’m fucking bad at it. I’m having so much fucking trouble with it. I’m thinking about the past and decisions I made and things I felt comfortable with, even reveled in to some extent, But the past weaves itself a veil. It obstructs and diffuses and selectively occludes, so it’s impossible to know what it’s true form was. This makes it less helpful to me. I fall far far too easily into a nihilistic state. Nothing matters and everything is for nothing so why should I even care, or try, or anything? It’s fucked. And I need to find ways out of it. I need to speak my truth but also…  I Feel my truth shifting like muscle under skin with every breath I take. How can I feel so fucking certain about something one moment and completely differently 10 minutes later? It’s paralyzing. I’m locked in my mind and failing to properly care for my body. Hoping these thoughts will settle but they’re taking their sweet fucking time and I can’t keep waiting. I just have to communicate what I feel, as best I can, and continue to communicate how it shifts, as it shifts. I don’t want to live here anymore. Maybe we shouldn’t have signed the lease. This place feels like it’s suffocating me. I can’t afford anything better but honestly maybe any change would be better. I don’t fucking know. That suffocating feeling could just be symptomatic of my other feelings. Logically, I know living in a different apartment won’t change any of the particulars of my situation. But my lizard brain feels otherwise. My lizard brain has too damn much to say these days. Being a domme changes things for me as well. I’m still learning and growing in that regard. I feel more possessive than ever, but… Less vulnerable. It’s probably perverse and unhealthy of me to feel glad knowing how upset you were at the thought of losing me. (and it raises yet another thought I wish I could stop having) Still, the look of relief on your face when I told you that leaving wasn’t my intention was… Something. It was something. 

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sitting on the floor

Tired. Sad. Zillowing. I’m tired of living here. I’m so fucking tired of living here. A dumb part of my brain wants to tell me that moving will magically fix all of my problems. I full know that’s not fucking true… but moving still sounds good. This place feels like quicksand. Drunkenly crying and sort of going hysterical is maybe cathartic? But also sort of not. Also sort of not. I feel pretty lonely, in the way that I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about the stuff I’m feeling. No one I want to tell, anyway. No one I feel comfortable asking for opinions or advice. No one I think would really understand. I’m so fucking tired. I finished a section of my stupid paint with diamonds thing. It’s taking forever and people say doing it makes them feel relaxed but it really makes me feel sorta anxious. Ugh. I should do work, or maybe try to sleep, but that all sounds bad. Instead I’ll maybe just read a little bit. Reading often makes me feel better. Today I went to the library and got 3 books from 3 of my favorite authors, so that’s pretty nice. I just want to forget my problems and throw myself into a two day scene. I want a new harness and this $150 toy I stumbled across earlier today. I want to go on a date to see the new jurassic world movie, and make out in the theater and feel like a stupid fucking teenager.

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still your roil

“I’m still yours” those words, I want, but for me it feels more complicated than that. Covetous, I swing wildly back and forth between something resembling chill acceptance, and a sick sweat slicked anxiety liberally coated in anger. Waking with a sense of unease, but hazy unsure at first exactly why, and then it finds me. oh. Such a seemingly small thing to leave such a stone in my chest. You could do the same you know, if you wanted. Find a plaything, or two, or six. I could, certainly. In all my life I’ve never been more widely desired than I am right now. I’ve made myself into a unicorn. Easily, I could round up a half dozen virtual lovers by day’s end, all begging for my favor (and they would … beg) but truly the idea holds little appeal. Instead, for now, I’ll lay here, and try my best to still my roiling thoughts enough to catch a few more hours sleep. 

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404

For the freelance project I’m working on right now, my editor’s last name is “Reeder”, which I think is a pretty cool / hilarious name for an editor to have. I have to write one more article before I can go to sleep. I’ve already done three. Hold on, I’m gunna grab a topic. Mkay, got one. My eyelid has been twitching on and off all day and it’s really annoying. I should get bananas and then eat a banana. I ended up getting a new (annoyingly expensive) tub for my snake today, a bit smaller than the super huge one I tried to give her which doesn’t seem to be working out very well, but still over 3 feet long, significantly bigger than her old one. So yeah, maybe if I’m **super lucky** I’ll be able to get that set up tomorrow. It has a lot of vertical space, so I should add some branches or something for her to mess with in there. I would really like to get it set up tomorrow because A. I don’t think she’s very happy in the setup I have her in right now, and B. It’s taking up a huge amount of space in the living room. I also want to get Gekkeikan The Gecko’s eco earth substrate set up, since I just have him on paper towels right now, which is Technically Okay, but I want something better for him. I dyed the ends of my hair blue and it’s pretty cool. It’s supposed to last 10 washes but I feel like it’ll probably last more like … two?? at best?? Who knows tho. Shit, I should probably take the trash out. Like… right now. But I don’t want toooooooo. Also it’s 3:10 and I should go the fuck to sleep soon, if I have any vague hope of getting anywhere close to enough sleep. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares and there’s just …. a lot of real stuff and I don’t want to talk about it. So instead I’m going to ramble on about nothings. My next snake project after I get all of this taken care of is to hopefully double the size of the corn snake tank. Also I want to make this gecko tank look really cool since it’s in the living room. I want it to be display tank style, but nice looking hides and stuff are super expensive, and he doesn’t fucking care at all what his hides look like sooooooo … ya know…. Welp, it’s 404 am, and I’m done with my last guide and I’m going the fuck to sleep right now. bye.

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blogfuck

‘Sup kids? It’s 2am. I’m watching / mostly listening to buzzfeed unsolved, and sort of vaguely trying to get a little bit of freelance work done. I have like… one more week before my summer classes start, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. I guess it’s fine. I guess I don’t care. I feel like I haven’t used my time off very well. (Oh, I got all A-s by the way, as far as grades for last semester go, I don’t think I’ve been here since my last frantic post about finishing my project. Straight A-s for two semesters in a row. Sooo that’s pretty cool I guess. if you care about that sort of thing.) I’m sort of working on writing a song actually, but as usual I’m trying to do something pretentious and annoyingly hard. Soooo we’ll see what happens with that. I need to do more. I guess it just doesn’t really feel much like a break?? Because I’m still doing 2 part time jobs?? It’s not exactly like… a relaxing time, I dunno. I should really be doing as many fucking freelance articles as I possibly can, because I’m aboutta be outta money. Although, I have a sort of feeling that I’m going to be doing a lot more tours than I really want to be, because one of the guides just got fired. Like… my favorite guide, the guy who’s tour I modeled a lot of my tour after. Fired for stealing money basically. Soooo that fucking leaves *two* guides, including me, plus two sort of wishy-washy sometimes guides. It’s not fucking enough, especially going into the summer season dude. It’s been busy as fuck. Last season there were 7 guides, including me, and it was still like… not quite enough. So I dunno what the fuck the owner is thinking honestly. I have a leopard gecko now. His name is Gekkeikan, and he’s super cute. He just ate like four or five crickets, so that’s cool. He’s very nervous overall but he’s slowly getting more comfortable with me. He hunted all his crickets while I was watching this time. (it’s super cute, omg). I’m having some snake tank issues and it’s super annoying but I’m trying my best to get that taken care of as well… soooo yeah! Okay! I’m gunna go ahead and head out now I think. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here really at all. I’m tired and I’m going to go do at least one freelance article I guess and yeah. Peace.